DH and I were going to a floor hockey tournament and we stayed overnight in a hotel that was hosting what seemed to be a Christian premarital counseling weekend/encounter.
We were already married a couple of years and also Jewish, and in fact the reason we were staying over was so as not to drive on shabbat. It was a strange environment to be adjacent to
ETA - strange because of its orthogonality to our lives, not for them where I assume it was exactly as expected! One thing I remember is they seemed to be trying to convince couples to have babies. We were mid-infertility-struggle so that was uncomfortable. (For some reason, the lessons were in the public areas.)
For our retreat, our engaged couples event was the only thing for the weekend and the property was owned by the church I believe. It was lovely, scenic, and lush, and removed the city and suburb. I’m sorry you had to be around where you were struggling with fertility and the sessions were encouraging babies. That would indeed be uncomfortable. I don’t recall much discussion about babies and procreating, but it was many decades ago.
Couples definitely did not spend the nights in the same room in the Roman Catholic pre-marriage weekend that I attended. We would meet our fiancés in private rooms during the day to discuss the answers to the questions presented to us earlier in the day and answered (in writing) separately. At night, the women went to sleep in a sort of dormitory in one wing of the building. The men did the same in another wing. It was only for 2 nights so no one thought it was any big deal.
On a related but different tack—DH and I got married while in grad school, so not a lot of money.
For our honeymoon, we took a lengthy do-it-yourself motorcycle trip around Europe and to save on costs we stayed in youth hostels a lot. Some had family rooms which we could share because we were married but …some didn’t. So we spent several nights of our honeymoon with me in the girls’ dormitory and him in the guys’. Not ideal…but we laugh about it now.
It would be awesome if Bob & MIL would agree to the Quaker committee approach, marriage counseling retreat, or anything similar. No idea that could/would happen, but seems like there would be a lot for them to discover about each other to decide what would work and would NOT work. It’s awesome that @Hoggirl has been so diplomatic and non-judgmental to help MIL start thinking for herself about what the future might look like. This is definitely a tough thing for anyone to figure out, especially when they’re being “love bombed” and enjoy the attention but are now getting a slight taste of what an ill or “sub-par” partner might be like.
Here’s an article that might help keep lines of communication open and help MIL make choices that will work well for her.
I think Bob pushing her to stay is just a giant red flag. I’m glad she is resisting that.
You know, maybe it’s a good thing that her daughter is visibly unhappy. Yes, it may aggravate your MIL, but it also may give her pause. I don’t feel great about Bob.
Along those same lines, I still worry about Dad’s Lady Friend. She keeps hinting about marriage. I’m afraid in his declining cognitive state, he might give in. She’s very nice, but I still have a funny feeling about her.
I love this Amish idea, but there is no way mil would do that. Or any kind of pre-marital retreat or counseling for that matter. And, goodness, Bob doesn’t need any coaching on marriage - he’s been married four times!!
I agree that if mil wants to move to a CCRC she should. Independently of Bob. I agree.
I really think this, “caretaking,” through whatever Bob has going on has been eye-opening. Mil is NOT a caretaker. This is NOTHING compared to what could potentially happen in the future. Marriage means in sickness and in health.
It was honestly a blessing fil dropped dead. He would not have been a good patient and mil would not have been a good caretaker.
A lot of people you’d think would make lousy caretakers manage to rise to the occasion when it’s a spouse of 50+ years, there are children they’ve raised together, grandchildren they adore. So the caretaking of the “original” spouse is often less of an issue than one might think.
But to go from Cruise Companion to nurse-- that never seems to work out. The couple bonds over golf and pickleball-- they have a terrific social life- and then wham- someone is ordering medical supplies online and interviewing LPN’s for the night shift.
It’s great that your H has visibility into your MIL’s finances. Being a loving companion is one thing- paying for 24/7 care is quite another.
remind me- where are his kids and what’s their financial status (if you can gauge that?)
And where the only shared history is “Wasn’t it fun having High Tea in London that time?”
I hope my spouse stays healthy for a very long time. But when I remember how incredible he was to my parents during their illnesses, how he took care of me through my own various illnesses, emergency surgery, etc, how he’s been there for our kids through medical ups and downs-- it would be hard to begrudge him.
@Hoggirl, I seem to recall you saying your late FIL was controlling, much like Bob. When you spend many years with that environment, it can feel comforting to jump into it again, even if it’s not healthy.
My concern is that MIL finds Bob familiar because he IS controlling. Unfortunately, I think she’s going to marry him. I’ll be surprised if she waits until the end of the year, since Bob is really pressuring her.
