She told Friend L she was enjoying the s&x. Better than with her late dh.
I bet you’re sorry you asked now! 
They are great questions. She hasn’t articulated anything overly specific. Says he is smart. That is objectively true. He has a PhD in chemistry. Research professor for 40+ years. I think if I actually cited the main thing he worked on and was known for y’all could probably sleuth out his identity.
I have been wondering if things would be accelerated after the trip. She had stated end of the year for a decision even before they traveled. Stated there would not be a proposal on the trip. Which indicates to me it had been discussed. I think some of her delay is for, “appearances.” So she doesn’t seem irrational. His divorce was final June 5th.
I think Bob’s sickness and subpar days are really going to give her pause, however. We all feel a bit guilty being happy that Bob is ill, but if it makes her more thoughtful in her decision-making, that’s a good thing.
I agree that very few envision being a nurse when seeking a partner. I’m happy to be one because H & I have been together nearly 40 years and we’ve always been there for one another. Someone I hardly know—not so much.
Being a nurse to an ill, grumpy person is not “fun,” especially when there’s no end date in sight and is not a future I’d look forward to.
I would be concerned if I were you too @MaineLonghorn — the lady friend seems quite persistent.
But you’ve had the gift of time and he got to earn his chits since early in your marriage. MIL here is starting in the 9th inning and Bob hasn’t shown her ANYTHING about whether he’d care for MIL if she was the first to need help. These people are mid 80’s. It is not IF, but WHEN at this point.
My friend with the 102 year old MIL just took her to the ER this morning. Her home healthcare workers are saying she needs more help on a daily basis. No illness, no symptoms, just older. Does Bob want to do that kind of care?
If I were the MIL, I’d rather use the CCRC buy in money to travel with Bob for one week a month and stay in my home the other 3 weeks. They could do cruises to Alaska, to Spain, to the Panama Canal. How fun. Always on a honeymoon.
I do think you could arrange a car service for transportation between the two homes on a regular basis. A college kid happy to earn an extra $100 to drive her up, or someone who regularly makes the trip.
I do hope she sticks to her plan to not do anything till the end of the year.
I think but am no longer certain, that there is no available room at the CCRC.
MIL can buy in because there’s space available. With Bob. Without being able to share space with Bob, there would be a multiple year waitlist. But she has to buy in, that’s a requirement to residing with Bob.
The best option would have been to reside at the CCRC, get to know Bob and the other residents to see if this is some place she would like to live. No room though.
This is a common issue. Which is why my mom moved from her other independent living place to the one near my sibling. It was a new facility, very nice and had available places.
A extended family member, looked at a place when it was just built, liked it but didn’t want to commit to moving at that point. When they were ready, no space available. When it got to a point that they really needed to move, they had to find another location. Not one they really wanted to go to.
Our intel says he has. Not confirmed, but wife #4 had a TKR. Went to the skilled nursing section ant the CCRC and did some brief rehab there. Obviously not back to 100 %, but they were ready to release her back to their home in independent living. Allegedly, Bob told her he couldn’t (wouldn’t??) take care of her that’s when she filed for divorce.
Bob claims that is not true.
In theory, mil shouldn’t ever be responsible for 24/7 care. Bob should be able to move from independent living to AL and then to skilled nursing or memory care. That is part of the CCRC deal. Some interim care by mil, of course. And she should be willing to do that. And he for her.
I think both of them are too selfish for even that
Well, we knew that Bob had to have SOMETHING going for him to attract all these wives.
Honest to God, I can’t imagine being in my mid-80s and starting over with a new sex partner. But, hey, good for MIL, I guess. I’m beginning to feel like that as long as she is protected financially (and Bob doesn’t give her an STI) then maybe this will be fine. 
She seems to know what she’s getting herself into. Do you think so @Hoggirl?
Uh, y’all asked him directly about this?
And I don’t fault them for not wanting to spend the last healthy years of their lives caring for someone they’ve been dating/married to for just a year. I don’t want to do that!
I really think it is different if you’ve been married for a long time. I have a friend whose husband is a little older than her. Well, he had a stroke about 4 years ago and was immediately out of work (he was a hairdresser so no more cutting). She’s doing it all now - housework, earning an income, taking care of him. She doesn’t have much help. Another friend married a guy 20 years older than her. Life was good when she was 40 and he was 60, but now they are 68 an 88, and he’s grouchy, just wants to move to Florida to be near his grandchildren. She’s still working! She comes out to visit occasionally but he doesn’t come as he doesn’t want to travel except to see his children and grandchildren.
Both couples have 25 to 35 year marriages, so lots of time to prepare for the ups and downs of marriage. MIL and Bob aren’t even to the 6 month point yet. I think they are being overly optimistic that two 84 year olds are going to beat the odds and both be healthy for another 10 years and not need skilled nursing care, are going to be cruising around and dancing at the CCRC all the time.
I know, I know, I’m preaching to the choir as we ALL feel MIL has blinders on and just wants to be with Bob and not recognize the many risks, mostly financial, she’s putting herself in. Again, hope she waited till the end of the year to make any big changes.
Friend L is the one who heard this from her intel. She told mil. Mil asked Bob. Bob denied.
She might now after dealing with his being sick. Previously, she’s been, as sil has characterizes it, living in her own Hallmark movie.
I do not think Bob will accept that. If she doesn’t commit by the end of the year, I think he will give her an ultimatum.
Well, really, that says it all.
Bob seems so all or nothing. He cannot be happy with seeing each other on and off OR enjoying a sexual relationship and travel OR keeping some independence for both of them while still having companionship.
An ultimatum? At 80 something years old? That’s all I would need to know.
That is my speculation.
When we first learned of Bob Mother’s Day weekend she said, “Bob has a problem. Bob likes to be married.”
Read the fine print on the community paperwork and then read it again.
It’s a myth that there will always be a bed when someone needs a higher level of care. If they are full they are full and you will be waiting for someone to transfer to a rehab center, nursing home, or die.
It’s a myth that your costs are locked in. If someone has a hospitalization…even for something minor…and was exposed to C-diff while in the hospital (very common among hospital patients) the facility can refuse to allow the resident back to their own apartment unless the family provides care… either at their own expense, or a family member moving in .
It’s a myth that “we take care of everything”. Someone needs actual Rehab ( not just half an hour a day of PT) you will be looking for a rehab placement, which could be a two hour drive away. The hospital social workers can tell you the horror stories.
So… don’t be so sure that mil won’t be functioning as a CNA at some point. Or vice versa. Talk to people who have had parents in this facility…what are the actual facts around “we guarantee you a room when you need step up care”.
And you don’t know how great the facility will be in the future. A new company can buy it up and the cost cutting measures start. No way to tell what the future will bring.
Or Bob likes to be taken care of?
Maybe it isn’t that Bob likes to be married so much as “Bob can’t stand being single”.