We are headed to mil’s town tomorrow. Returning Sunday. Bob is arriving at her house on Monday. He has requested to meet mil’s siblings. Three remain. So, that is happening next Wednesday. Going out to lunch. Sil was invited as well, but declined. The eldest brother (92 years old) and his wife may or may not go. If they don’t, mil & Bob will drive to their home so he can meet them.
My nephew (sil’s only son) has an upcoming birthday. It’s on a weekday, but they are celebrating on Saturday the 13th. Going out to dinner and then returning to sil’s house for cake and champagne. Sil sent a text to mil and Friend C with rough plans. Mil replied, “Sounds great. Hope Bob is invited as he will be here.” Sil checked with my nephew, and he said that was okay, though not excited about it. Sil replied to mil, “I guess that will be okay.” So, sil acquiesced. I mean really - what else can she say?
Not that mil is obligated to share her plans, but technically dh and I know nothing of Bob’s (clearly week-long) visit as mil has not mentioned him to US since she returned to her town after their trip. When we arrive tomorrow, I plan to say, “Gosh, mil. You haven’t said anything about Bob since the trip? Did he recover from his pneumonia? What is the current status in your relationship? Do you have plans to see him again!”
Maybe it’s a generational thing, but the part I bolded above irritates me. Your MIL could have just said (directly, not beat-around-the bush passive-aggressive style), “Sounds great. Bob will be in town from XX to YY date. Would it be ok if he joined us?”
…because how in the world would SIL & Nephew know that Bob is going to be in town unless MIL said something to them ahead of time. What the heck.
I’m giving the MIL some grace here. I think the generational thing is NOT assuming that every invitation comes with an automatic “plus one” (which is something that is slowly driving me nuts about the younger folks these days.) So perhaps she’s just trying to find a graceful way to make sure that it’s not a problem bringing him.
I guess the automatic assumptions about “plus ones” isn’t what is driving me crazy, it’s the lack of understanding that some events just don’t lend themselves to extra guests- it’s not a judgement call on your BF of three months who you consider to be “practically my husband”.
Nephew is in a school play. The auditorium size means that every kid in the play gets 6 tickets period. If you need more tickets, beg or borrow from a kid who doesn’t have much family– except that those parents have likely already promised those tickets to family friends who are “like an aunt and uncle”. So the parents carefully dole out the tickets to the only people in the world who think that watching the kid pretend to be a dolphin for an hour is fun. And then the loving Aunt gets pissed when she discovers that her “we’re almost engaged” is not included. And it includes a tirade about which family member got to bring a “casual BF” to Xmas, who showed up on New Year’s Eve with a co-worker who was recently divorced, why am I the only one who has to explain my choice of life partner, etc.
When did we all assume that we’d get to control the guest list at every event we’re invited to?
MIL doesn’t want to step on toes. I think that’s lovely.
Mil *had* to inform sil that Bob was going to be in town on Friday the 12th, because she, sil, Friend L, and Friend C had planned to go out for a girly lunch out that day. Mil told sil she could not go to that because Bob would be in town. But she didn’t tell sil when he was arriving or leaving. So, all sil knew was that he was in town on Friday. Mil later told friend L or Friend C he was arriving Monday. One of them told sil that. In the past he’s only stayed four or five nights. They chose the birthday celebration date based on what worked for my working nephew. I imagine sil thought Bob would be heading home on Saturday morning based on other visits.
I agree 100% that it’s passive-aggressive. Because she doesn’t really even ask if he can join them.
@Youdon_tsay - I only know that Bob is visiting her next week because mil told sil who told me. And, honestly? I bet the only reason she told sil he was coming at all was because she had to bow out of their lunch. Edit - oops! Sil told me about meeting the sibs because mil invited her to attend as well. I have heard absolutely nothing about Bob from mil in 12 days.
Or that she wants the straight up truth from the only people in her life she knows have no skin in the game or other “vested interests”. Her kids will or will not inherit what is or is not left. Her kids will have some responsibility for her as she ages. One kid already manages her finances, and the other has more hands on responsibility for looking after her.
Her siblings will give her the honest truth. Doesn’t come out of their pocket, doesn’t impact them personally. If they think he’s a jerk, they’ll tell her. And their late brother-in-law was not also their dad so they’ve got some “non-freudian” perspective as well.
I have to say @Hoggirl that this situation is so out of the norm. I think you and your sil are doing well under the circumstances.
In my mind, I thought this was a high school acquaintance that mil had interacted with during the numerous school reunions. The fact that Bob didn’t go to the reunions and then reached out to mil boggles the mind.
And that she wanted to reconnect with him. After finding out all of his past relationships and that he was getting divorced.
If my friend did that, I would be questioning their sanity. You are doing what? With this guy you knew in high school? He’s been married how many times? The opaqueness of it all makes it even more difficult.
Anyways, I think under the circumstances, everyone is doing a great job dealing with the crazy! It’s crazy town!
I know a lot of widows and I don’t think the situation is crazy.
Some make it clear One and Done. They were married, they love their kids, they don’t want another spouse, another set of complications, they like their life the way it is.
Some are eager to “get out there”. They try creating an online profile; they join activities rumored to have a lot of men (Classic Car enthusiasts, bridge, tailgating at even minor league sports events).
Some don’t want to “get out there” but they’d love the companionship and the excitement of a new relationship, someone who wants to be doing things and traveling, but they don’t really want to be meeting strangers and learning how to date at this stage of their lives.
Seems like MIL is category 3, and I think she’s neither crazy nor unique. I know a lot of women like her. Sometimes they marry the widower of a close friend. Sometimes they reconnect with someone they knew a long time ago. Sometimes they start dating their retired endodontist (“he knows me from the inside out” which is very cringey). It’s a guy who is semi-road tested (very important that he’s been married before, whether once, twice or more), already has kids so understands the need to be flexible on holidays etc., either has enough money for a nice life or at least pretends he does, and there is at least some shared history so it doesn’t always feel like a blind date or a “meat market”. She doesn’t have to worry “does he know what to do on my birthday?” since he’ll likely buy her the same scarf he bought his late wife and make reservations at the same restaurant, and won’t be casting about to do something original and ridiculous. With any luck, the nice Talbots sales lady who picked out all the things he bought the last wife is still working in the store….
I don’t disagree. I know that there is a subset of older women who want companionship and it feels rather desperate for lack of another word.
I guess any of these situations would feel the same to the children and their spouses of the woman who is embarking on a new romance.
It still feels to the people involved that it’s crazy. I would think that for them, things feel out of control. Your parent who has always been this stabilizing person is now doing things you never imagined.
That was my thoughts. How strange and out of control it feels for the family. How I would feel. How I would feel if this was a friend of mine, not my mother or mil.
I’m with blossom….I don’t think it is all that crazy for an elderly person to want the companionship and had an easier way to finding it outside of active dating, etc. I shared early on in this thread that my 99 year old FIL remarried about a year or two ago to a woman who before she was widowed was friendly with my FIL and my MIL before my MIL died. They already knew one another.
While I certainly know older people who have coupled up “quickly” after being widowed, all of them remained in their community and retained and nurtured all of their other relationships.
This situation is ringing alarm bells for many, as MIL appears to be jumping into severing her ties with her community and her people, and her life. The isolation and distancing from her community (and the financial commitment) at the suggestion of this man is really the question at hand.
(If he truly loves her, and she is not just “the next wife,” I’m somewhat curious as to whether or not there was a discussion about him moving to her town.)
I met a friend for drinks the other day. She’s in her late 70’s, divorced for decades. Went back to her old home town for a funeral last year and ran into her high school toxic romance (not the ex-husband). I don’t know the details but apparently she had pined for him for years? Anyway, he started emailing her after they met. But she has no interest because, as she put it, he’s OLD!! Not so hot anymore, I gather.
Friend L has posed that question. He could certainly live more cheaply (from a standpoint of cash flow on monthly expenses) if he did that. However, he has already, “invested,” via his buy-in with wife #3 in the CCRC, and he is set up for life there since he can progress from independent to AL, to memory care, to skilled nursing (as needed). He and his children don’t have to worry about suddenly needing to find any of those types of places for him. He won’t move. If he can’t convince mil to move up here (which will save him $43k per year since she’s said she’d pay half the fees), he’ll look start looking elsewhere
Where I live, 43K is not nearly enough to pay for a place as nice as this one sounds. So even if you take the most cynical view, MIL is still getting something besides Bob for her money. Costs vary tremendously across the country, but in many places MIL’s fee is really a bargain.
The thing is that MIL (or whomever) has to put up with Bob as part of the “bargain” and Bob can and has been shown quite good at finding a new partner in a short time, so all of this factors in.
I agree that in HI, you could never get much for $43,000/yr, plus buy in. My folks paid a boatload more.
We don’t know. This CCRC never kicks anyone out, but if you can’t afford your fees for the size/type of unit you have, they will move you down to something smaller.