Is MIL’s cost of $43,000/yr more or is it less than her current housing cost?
I do not live in a retirement community. I live in a small one bedroom rental apartment and my rent per year is more than that!
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We are not 100% clear on the fees. Remember, dh wasn’t invited to the financial meeting at the CCRC
Mil is under the impression that if she marries Bob, their combined fees in the home he is in will be $7,200 per month. Idk if he has to pay that much now or not. We are unclear if fees are based per person or per unit. Heck, we aren’t sure they won’t be MORE than $7,200 per month if she does this.
But, based on what she believes, she would pay a buy-in amount for the smallest unit they have (which is $109,000) and has also said she will pay half of the $7,200 which is $3,600 per month for her portion which is $43,200 per year. The total is $86,400. The fees in independent living only include one meal per day valued at $10.50 per person.
The current buy-in for the type of housing Bob has is around $450,000. He’s lived there over 20 years, so I’m sure the buy-in amount he and wife #3 paid was substantially less.
Regardless, my mil pays far less than $3,600 per month now for her living expenses. Her home is paid off, but even with insurance, real estate taxes, electric, a cleaner, and a yard service it’s definitely less.
Now, what she does get (as do we) is peace of mind that she has herself situated for any care she might need for the rest of her life. And, she gets Bob. Whether or not that is a win or not is unknown.
We are also unclear if he predeceases her if she has to pony up an additional $340k to remain in the home. As opposed to moving to the studio apartment that her own $109k would get her. She could definitely do that, but she wouldn’t want to live in a 500 sq ft studio.
Believe me, it bugs the 
out of me that we don’t know these financial details. Remember, she has told dh he can go to future financial meetings. My dh will not call them and just ask generic questions because he wants to see if she really will do as she promised and engage him in the process in the future.
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$43,000 is more than what she pays now. Her home is paid for. Even with a housekeeper and a yard service (she has both of those now), utilities and real estate taxes.
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A roof over her head and one meal a day- gotcha. But do you know if her deal would include free transportation (the van service, which often does several runs a day in the area- doctor, dentist, library, etc.), cleaning, all the activities, etc? It’s easy to dismiss those- but if someone were to try and replicate that on their own, the costs escalate pretty quickly. And could she rent out a function room for big family events?
I think you meant more here. The $43k she would pay is more than what she’s paying now.
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Yes, it includes those. She is still driving, but they do have vans that run residents places.
I’m not saying it isn’t a good, “value,” even if she does wind up spending more than she does now. She can afford it. She can afford to kick in another $340k and pay $7,200 per month IF that’s what it looks like if he predeceases her.
The question is, is it, “worth,” it? Given what she will be giving up and what she gets in return. It’s obviously so much more than the financial piece.
I think Bob wants a nurse with a purse.
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Yikes. Yes. I edited it to fix/make it clearer. Hopefully! 
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Are the people you know in their 80’s? I don’t begrudge anyone a relationship that is safe and fulfilling. But there are also some common sense rules and like others have said, this feels quite out of the norm.
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H and his buddies are in their 80s. So far, only one that we know of is casually dating his next door neighbor. Both had spouses die years ago. The others who are single are doing their own thing and seem content.
My BIL (widower) in late 70s is casually dating but as far as we know not serious about any of the women, though perhaps one or more would like it to be more serious.
The speed at which this is moving and the things MIL appears ready to give up (friendships, medical professionals, home) just seem a bit rapid. It doesn’t appear that Bob compromises or tries to do things that she’s stated she wants—tea and friendships.
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I rarely disagree with @blossom, but this is a really rosy depiction and, IMO, doesn’t really match what’s happening here. Bob isn’t road tested; in car parlance I’d call Bob a beater! And he doesn’t sound flexible at all, kids or no kids. The shared history is that they went to HS together 70 years ago. I do agree that he will be unoriginal in his gift choices as he has proven to be unoriginal already, taking MIL on the same cruise that he took his four wives. Although I could be wrong about that and all the cruises were with just the last two or three.
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My dad worked two full-time jobs (his whole adult life), and took good care of my mother who was debilitated after removal of a brain tumor when she was 55. She died seven years later and my dad just hated being alone. After six months alone, he put out the word and found my stepmother almost immediately (friend of friend) and they married a few months later. Neither were perfect older adults (who is???) but they had a very happy marriage for 23 years.
My dad was barely 60 when mom died but his life was so, so much better with a partner. The mil in question is much older and, imho, deserves to enjoy the rest of her life or however long the partnership lasts. She is comfortable financially, apparently has all or almost all of her marbles, and, IMHO, should do what makes her happy while being careful to preserve her relationship with her family.
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I agree completely.
But there is no doubt in my mind that the relationship between mil and sil will be significantly strained if mil marries Bob.
Because sil is so adamantly opposed and dh is more neutral, I fear a resurrection of the black sheep/golden child tension.
As an in-law/out-law, I am more on the periphery of this. I’ve said before that mil is in my circus, but she isn’t my monkey. However, I’m afraid the entire Big Top may collapse 
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You know , I wonder if this would be a totally different story if the guy on the line was someone who seemed to have better intentions, history and less aggressiveness than Bob.
I don’t know if any of this is such a big problem (that it seems to be) of the suitor in question is not Bob.
Sorry Bob! 
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Maybe, but I still think we’d be concerned about the speed of the relationship. Why race to the altar?? With anybody
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I always try to put myself in the poster’s shoes. For me, it’s All About Bob. I would feel differently if Bob wasn’t a serial monogamist who was checking out MIL before his FOURTH divorce.
I’m kind of sympathetic to the idea that, you know, none of us knows how much time we have left so why not give love another go at 87. It’s the love-bombing aspect of Bob that makes me wary and MIL uprooting and moving into the same CCRC as the ex-wives. The positive is that the CCRC is where her ds lives so she’ll still have support.
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I am not endorsing. I am posting about a phenomenon I have observed. In many cases, this “road tested” strategy is a terrible one. The woman ends up with a guy who has substance issues (the reason why the last wife left), gambling issues (why he is so eager to find someone to move in with him, contribute, so he doesn’t lose his house), or is just an unpleasant old codger.
The women think they are getting someone who knows how to be a loving husband and a supportive companion. What she’ll end up getting? Who knows. But a recently reviewed and executed estate plan AND a rock solid prenup will protect her and her kids financially, (plus a well thought out advanced care directive, POA) even if it can’t protect her emotionally.
I don’t know Bob in this scenario. But I’ve known plenty of Jims and Georges and Henrys. Even the worst of them don’t seem to stay single very long- the actuarial tables tell the story.
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We arrived last night.
Sil came over for a while before the four of us went out to dinner. The whole dynamic between mil and sil seems very…”whiplashy” to me. Sil would bring up Bob or mil potentially making the move to the CCRC. Then the topic would change. Then she’d bring it up again. The mood shifted back and forth all evening between being tense and perfectly pleasant. It was exhausting.
After sil went home, I excused myself to wash my face and get ready for bed. Dh was able to have a conversation with mil without sil or me around. I could only hear bits and pieces, but I will say that the overarching difference between my dh and sil in communicating with mil is their TONE. Sil is almost lecturing. Her questions, though excellent, tend to come rapidly. She isn’t really asking to learn - she’s waiting to refute. She is dismissive of mil’s answers either because she disagrees with them or simply doesn’t like them. Dh is much better at practicing the pause, keeping his volume down, and speaking more slowly and calmly in his responses to her. I honestly attribute a lot of the differences in communication styles to their professional backgrounds. Sil was a fourth grade teacher, while dh is a corporate guy. Not dissing teachers at all!!! But, in a fourth grade classroom, the teacher DOES know more/best.
I did not go back into the living room after getting ready for bed. I wanted dh and mil to have their own space.
It seems mil may ride back up with Bob to the CCRC at the end of next week. Dh definitely proposed more of a dating situation with their visiting each other and traveling together. Suggested Bob move here. Mil said he has too much invested in the CCRC. I wouldn’t give up a known LT care situation if I were Bob either, so his moving here really isn’t an option. I heard mil bring up the end of the year reference for a decision again. My suspicion is that Bob has put that out there as an acceptable timeline for him to wait for mil to make a decision. Or she may have asked for that, and he agreed. I do not know.
I think mil very much wants to be with Bob but not have to give up her life in her town. Those two things seem to be irreconcilable in her mind, and think she is very stressed.
I awakened early. My personal plan is to not bring up Bob at all unless mil does.