I read “look elsewhere” as looking for a new love interest!
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I agree that Bob has a lot invested in the CCRC and that it doesn’t make sense for him to leave, both financially and care-wise.
I have wondered how often and for how long MIL can visit the CCRC. Maybe that’s a question dh can ask if they meet with the CCRC about her potentially moving in. I can see that it wouldn’t permit MIL to stay for extended periods of time.
The December deadline – deadline for what exactly? For a commitment from your MIL to get married and move?
I think that you’ve answered this, but can she afford to do the buy-in at the CCRC without selling her house? If so, I wonder whether SIL could move into MIL’s house, if she goes to the CCRC. Maybe that would make SIL feel better about her mom moving and would keep the house in the family. I’m feeling pretty sympathetic to SIL, at this point.
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We don’t know about extended visits at the CCRC.
Sil has her own paid-for house 1.5 miles away from mil. Mil’s HOA allows for NO rentals and requires owner occupancy.
Not sure about the end of the year deadline. All speculation. Mil just keeps on saying that.
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Will the HOA allow it to sit empty?
Bob is hoping to ring in the new year with a wedding. 
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I think that he wants to get married that month to get a tax break!
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If SIL living at MIL’s house (and maybe rent her own) were an appealing option, could MIL be allowed to have family living there? Or crazy idea if things move forward… add her name to the deed?
Unless SIL really wants MIL’s house - at all - I don’t know why this would be a good suggestion. IMO would create even more angst for SIL - like she is the disposable one!
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That’s what I was thinking. If the HOA won’t let her rent and won’t let it sit empty then selling it or adding sister to the deed are options. Means the house is still there for MIL to return and a place to stay when she visits friends. I don’t think anyone wants her to sell it outright, correct? But you don’t want it sitting empty and unused and fall into disrepair.
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At the other end of many of our lives, I suspect more than a few of us probably struggled with long-distance relationships. Should I follow my partner? The relationship won’t advance if I don’t but my job and family are here, and what dynamic might I be establishing if I do this? Or alternatively, do I turn down a great job offer because my current love interest isn’t prepared to move? The issues may be different for retirees, but MIL’S stress is certainly understandable.
If there’s anything good about SIL’s behavior, it’s that MIL knows where SIL stands She can decide if or how much that will impact her decision, but she doesn’t have to wonder if she would be upset.
And once again, your DH is being a clearness committee of one for MIL. Ultimately, there’s much to weigh here - as there was way back when in deciding whether to relocate for a long-distance relationship. I feel for her as she tries to figure it all out.
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Yes, and not really sure how long it can be insured if vacant. Maybe considered a vacation home. Though, keeping it would allow her to hold onto more of her furnishings longer. She is going to have to get rid of a lot if she moves.
she could add sil’s sin to the deed, I suppose
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Yes, and not really sure how long it can be insured if vacant. Maybe considered a vacation home. Though, keeping it would allow her to hold onto more of her furnishings longer. She is going to have to get rid of a lot if she moves.
I wonder if she’s completely thought that aspect through, or if there’s been some rose colored glasses on regarding that immense part of this.
Bob lives in a furnished home in his unit. How (or would they) merge their households…? How would she feel when it comes time to get rid of 75-90% her belongings?
Would Bob’s unit feel like “home” to her if/when she’s no longer a visitor?
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I gotta admit, this thread feels gripping, like not wanting to miss a chapter or episode. Sorta like a cross between a soap opera and Golden Bachelor(ette), not that I watch either of those!
Perhaps you can gently ask MIL something to the effect that you have heard her reference the “end of the year” quite a bit and you are wondering what she means by that, like if it is some sort of deadline, and how so. Maybe it will be revealed as to whether that is her own choice or one imposed by Bob. It is a legitmate question without sharing your perspective, but just saying you are trying to understand what she keeps referring to.
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Then don’t move. Here’s my “mom advice”.
Work on the other end of the equation for a change. There’s probably an even better 'Bob" in her own town if she got out and socialized. This “Bob” was easy since he came to her but she can just as easily look around to find another.
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Remarriage where couple reside in former residence of one of them can be complicated. I’ve heard that counselors often advise it is better to start in a new place together. (Perhaps my father and his 2nd wife should have done that. There has been a lot of angst over her resentment about his control/decisions for his pre-existing house…. and his resentment over her meager financial contribution.) Obviously a new starting place can’t happen in this situation, but if MIL moves in certainly it will always feel like “Bob’s place”.
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Vacant homes develop many problems and lose value while vacant. It is very challenging for many to leave behind and/or discard a lifetime of “stuff.”. Paying to store the “stuff” isn’t cheap either and stuff in storage ages, especially if the location doesn’t have proper a/c and other protections.
One of the toughest parts of selling H’s old family home was him deciding what to keep vs trash and saying final farewell to the home. He had lived there over 30 years.
Personally I was very relieved he sorted through so he could keep things he valued. None of us would have known what he cared for as it is all “stuff” to us.
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I asked that this morning. She claims her idea, but idk. 
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I was informed hi my attorney that the title of a house should always include another person‘s name or be put into the Trust.
Personally, I’m happy when SO visits, but I’m not ready to leave my friends, doctors and my familiarity city
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As a 77-year-old, I beg to disagree. Men die younger and are sicker earlier–just demographics.
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Agree. There are two “upscale” type CCRC’s in my town. The gender ratio in both is around 25% male, 75% female and virtually all of the men move in with a wife.
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