I’m not surprised either but different reason. He, too, doesn’t have a whole lot of time to find the right fish in the sea. Like MIL, he enjoys companionship rather than a solitary life. Not saying anything at all here about whether he and MIL are suitable partners.
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IMO, Bob has to have a person. Any person will do. Fungible to him.
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Wife #4 took her things when she moved out. Mil can take some of her things. The second bedroom needs furniture. Mil’s dining room set is nicer than what he has - she’d take hers. But, I don’t think she realizes that culling stuff will be hard. She doesn’t have an inordinate amount, but she isn’t a minimalist either.
But, after living there 25 years or so, yes - I am guessing this is very much going to feel (at least to Bob) like his house.
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What if MIL were to move in with Bob and pay for incremental costs (not half) and keep her current house. If it works out after few years then she could sale her house,mid it doesn’t work out then she would have a place to move back to.
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I just want to reiterate that there are obstacles for mil to keep her home:
It cannot be rented.
It must be owner-occupied.
Having it vacant most (nearly all) of the time does not seem wise.
Even if a home is empty, there are costs.
My sil already has her own paid off house. Mil could add my nephew (sil’s only son) to the deed, and he and his roommate could move in there and live. I am not sure if this is something they want to do. That could potentially cause, “fairness,” problems to our son. Not that mil has to be fair - she doesn’t.
@Hoggirl — in order for her to sell, it sounds like there would have to be a lot of cleaning out of current house, so IF she decides to go to CCRC with Bob, there will be some time and effort involved. This will likely involve the home being vacant for some time anyway unless she adds someone to add to the lease (very controlling HOA)
Hopefully Bob is well now if he’s traveling and going to meet MIL’s sibs.
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Does she have a Trust? If not, she can add your son and the other young man.
She just has a revocable trust.
Real property is generally not placed in trust in our state, if memory serves me correctly. I should remember why, but I don’t.
EDIT: hmmmm. Maybe her house was retitled in the trust after my fil died since there would no longer be joint tenancy with rights of survivorship. We had all her documents re-done after he passed away. I imagine whatever was, “best,” at the time was done. It’s probably a good idea to revisit all of that. It will have to be done if she marries Bob.
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I wonder if Bob would agree to a pre-nup.
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In many/most states you can look up an address on the county treasurer’s website and find who owns a property and how the property is titled.
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I think he will be fine with a pre-nup. We can see from the wife#4 divorce documents that they had one.
We are honestly most concerned about mil relocating and then being unhappy. Whether because of Bob or just from missing her friends and the familiarity of her current town which is three hours away. We (and Bob) will initially be it for her if she relocates. We are not sure how the friend-making will go at the CCRC with two ex-wives living there.
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Was just thinking of this. Thanks!
A good point. Gossip doesn’t stop amongst us when we get older. This thread a case in point! 
. Unsure how many “open arms” there will be at the CRCC with ex wives in the circle - and depending on what the general feelings are about Bob there.
People may be very friendly and welcoming! It’s hard to say. Maybe she can get a feel for that on her visits there.
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I am sure she won’t be the only newcomer–at least not for long.
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But she is not just a newcomer. She is a newcomer in the presence of 2 ex wives and a man who has had a revolving door somewhat of women! Guess it also depends how big the CRCC is - maybe it’s easy to blend in.
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In my experience, there will be a “Team Bob” and a “Team ex-wives”. No divorce is one-sided, and certainly folks in their 70’s and 80’s have seen enough to realize that.
The folks who don’t make friends in these situations? The ones with cognitive abilities intact but severe mobility issues (other residents are impatient with the wheelchair situation) or the ones with impaired cognition (if MIL can’t play gin rummy, won’t attend a lecture on “Gaugin in Tahiti” given by a docent from a museum, doesn’t want to take the van to attend a concert) are the ones who don’t make friends. Your MIL sounds like a hoot!
Time to call that church lady and finally get the scoop!
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My experience with the retirement housing world is limited, but a little is recent. I play bridge at a place that has many levels of care, but no townhouses or houses (all apartments). The woman who invited me is entirely self sufficient, drives, and is fairly new to the community (less than a year); I think she’s about 75-78 years old. Anyway, she set up this bridge group and one person is already a problem. She’s very grouchy, swears under her breath, doesn’t like playing with me (I’m a beginner). The others are lovely. So now we have to have ‘intervention’ for the grouch. They have a social worker type person who deals with conflicts, and I’m beginning to understand there are conflicts.
There are tons of activities. There is a bus to stores and outside things. There is a dining room (and the kids who are the servers are so nice to everyone). There are a LOT of wheelchairs in the dining room as others go out to eat but these people are rather ‘stuck’ there.
I think I’d be happy there (although a little on the young side) because I wouldn’t have to BE there all the time. Many stores and my YMCA are walkable from there. But it would be very different. This company has 6 or 7 facilities in the Denver area and I’ve been to one of the other ones (a friend works at corporate, and often schedules our meetings in them). It is gorgeous! Looks like a ski resort. Has a theater and restaurants, convenience store, and I think it does have townhouses outside the main building. I also think the people are younger and healthier. It is much bigger than the one I play at, but nothing like Leisure World or The Villages. It is not like you are just a homeowner in an HOA.
All that to say, I think some of them are pretty contained and if you don’t like the people, you are going to be miserable. The whole point of living in the CCRC is to build community and that might be difficult for MIL if the exes are there with their already formed groups. Bob will have a group too, but MIL might be limited in forming a group (her interests, her needs) if she wants to.
Does Bob do the activities she likes? Book club, crafts, walking, pickleball? We know he doesn’t ‘do’ tea, but could she do any of those things without him? Is his group just a bunch of guys who like to watch sports or play pool or smoke cigars?
Maybe she should spend a week or two trying to break into the community. Encourage her to pretend she lives there, to join a card group, to do 3 things a day without Bob, even if it is just to go to the grocery store on the bus or take a walk. Go to church. Start making lists of doctors and dentists on her medicare plan and how difficult it would be to arrange to be a patient.
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Excellent advice!
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I like that idea of her spending ten days there and trying out all those things, to get a sense of what it would be like to live there long-term.
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