Might not really know. He has a house/villa and she could end up in 400-500 square feet in a bedroom/bath situation waiting for who knows how long to get something larger.
My aunt was in an independent living facility for 20 years. She had a nice apartment–not big–one bedroom but had a very nice living room and small kitchen area (just a microwave/refrigerator). Balcony and a pleasant view. But her apartment was one of the larger ones.
Other residents had much smaller area and (to me at least) I’d be nuts. She thought the same. Many of her friends could hardly move in their apartments which was okay if you were in decent health and a minimalist at heart because you could go to common spaces–but start adding walker/wheel chair, other medical equipment and it felt like you were trapped. If you’re ill you cant leave. No room to socialize.
She might not get a true sense of what it would be like if she ended up in smaller living quarters (good point, @gouf78 ) but she would get a sense of what it would be like sharing quarters with Bob, what the social situation was like (re: pro Bob vs. Pro Bob’s ex) and how people respond to her as well as if she is suited to this sort of living situation in general.
I got the impression that previously, she just visited for a few days. An extended stay would help, but also make an effort to do the things @twoinanddone suggested in their earlier post.
I think there is a difference perhaps between the stay she had previously- which was more of a “first time visit” as opposed to a stay where the question is “how do I fit in here socially and physically in the space - and with Bob!
Agree. What’s a weekend like when Bob wants to have brunch in the dining room with his cronies and MIL wants to go out with a few of her new buddies to try a restaurant that’s just opened? What happens on Wednesday when Bob has a dentist appointment and he wants MIL to go with him- and she wants to try out the politics club instead? What happens Friday morning when she wants to get her hair done and read a magazine but Bob wants them to do something as a couple?
My parents had friends (in small town Wisconsin) who LOVED NYC. so they moved there. Turned out what they really liked was NYC on an expense account - going to restaurants, the theater, Yankees games, museums, art shows, lots of movie theaters (we only had 2 in our town) when someone else was paying for it all.
I think they lasted about a year. It just wasn’t as much fun when you had to pay for it all.
I hope MIL can spend some time and get a better picture of life at the CRCC when she’s not on vacation there.
I think one of the reasons Bob went outside of his orbit is to find someone who will be with him and do things with him
My friend that I’ve mentioned. After years, she’s found a group of people to do things with. But they are done when her partner doesn’t have plans for them. Her first priority is to him. It’s all about him and she fits her life in around his needs. I personally think that’s a bit of a generational thing for certain women as I know more than one who defers to what her partner wants and he’s the one who makes the decisions.
I have a friend a little older than me who will not make a plan for dinner with a bunch of friends unless she can arrange an “outing” of some kind for her H that evening. This is a man who traveled the world on his own when he was working; independent, successful, etc. And apparently he can’t fix himself a sandwich while his wife is out for a few hours?
She wants to make lunch plans. Well- the rest of us are still working, and lunch is usually a yogurt at the desk, or a quick walk around the block drinking a smoothie. We don’t want to insult her– but none of us are prepared to become camp counselors and figure out whose husband can arrange something fun for a particular evening.
So yeah- good for MIL and Bob to get on the same page re: independent socializing!!!
I”m 76 – older than most of you here – and that is absolutely positively not the case for me and DH. It used to be, and then I just decided that his social life was not my job – or my problem. I do a lot without him, including traveling, and he does less, but still some, on his own.
My H is in his early 80s and fine with me going activities without him. He will “fend for himself” at home, connect with one of his friends, or just hang out and wait until I bring him home some food—whichever he feels like.
I also am fine with him going out with others. Unless he really wants me to join him, I am fine with doing my own thing.
My BIL (just turned 70) hates going home to an empty home. It doesn’t bother me, my H or my sister (or our kids).
It does seem that Bob wants her to himself and not socializing from what I pieced together so far from @Hoggirl. Since MIL seems somewhat social (having friends and SIL and so ), needing to always plan social life around Bob seems restrictive.
Reiterating that I’m not talking about ALL women but I have met more than one who defers to what her partner wants. I know some who don’t. But I’ve found that it’s more prevalent in women who are at least 15 years older than I am. I’m in my mid-60’s. I have lots of friends who are at least 15 years older and I’ve found some differences than when I’m with friends who are my age. Just an observation that isn’t everyone I meet or am friends with
I’m thinking this may be my last post. I feel that in pointing out why someone might act a certain way and that there are differences in generations, that I might be upsetting some.
I wish @Hoggirl luck in navigating this situation.
I agree with you @deb922 . It definitely SEEMS like Bob wants someone who will be his nurse and be there for him (like him not wanting MIL to leave when he was ill with pneumonia or go to tea on board the boat or in UK). I also definitely wish @Hoggirl the best in dealing with this very challenging situation.
MIL will have no problem filling extra time. She has family in town, if she gets bored. It will be interesting to see Bob’s attitude on outings together vs solo.
Okay. The house is titled in mil’s name, but there is a beneficiary deed that automatically puts it into her trust after she passes. That avoids probate.
@twoinanddone - that is an excellent suggestion! And, one that I would feel comfortable making.
Her first visit to the CCRC was five nights. I had looked at the calendar then, and there really wasn’t much going on there during that time. She was at the CCRC four nights before the sailing, and four nights after returning from their trip. I have no idea what they did the four days before they left. The four days after, Bob was sick.
I have looked at the calendar for next week, and there are MANY activities/outings that week that would interest her. It is still TBD if she will come back with him or not. She has a car repair issue going on that might preclude that.
My intel is that Bob does NOTHING social at the CCRC except occasionally having a drink with guys. He has given one lecture. There was an article about him in one of the CCRC magazines about a year and a half ago. In it he described himself as a recluse and described wife #4 as being more involved.
@HImom - I do think Bob kinda wants her to himself.
@abasket I think this is a great post. It’s much different being a visitor versus making a life somewhere. Will she make her own life and involve herself in her interests or will Bob want her all to himself. Also how welcoming will the community of women be to a newcomer. Is the community mainly made up of women and men who have been in the surrounding community for many years and relationships already formed. When my late Aunt went to a very nice continuing care community she said the dining room felt like being back in junior high where the popular girls sat together gossiping.
One positive is that while MIL will be leaving her home and friends she at least has family in the new location.
That’s the vibe I and a man I greatly respect have of the CCRC where my folks moved to. Mom is shy and by the time they moved, dad was pretty reserved too. The CCRC didn’t really do much to help draw out the residents and there seemed to be a lot of cliques. If you are shy or reserved, you’re on your own.
I agree that it would be good for MIL to spend 2-3 weeks there, trying some of the activities. Surely her car can wait or be handled by others. This is her future! She needs to find out how she’d fit in (or not) and if she will mesh with any of the current social structure in the 400+ person community. If you can encourage her to have a real trial of the place for several weeks, she’d get a better sense of the place.
I just get the feeling that MIL isn’t comfortable pushing for what she wants (high tea on the ship as an example). Bob wants her there. He will balk when she says she wants to give it a trial run. She knows that will not make him happy and she’ll get pushback, so she won’t go there.
My own mother was a doormat of a wife, sounds like MIL was the same with her deceased husband. Very subservient. That’s hard to change.
@deb922 , don’t leave. I always enjoy your insightful and considerate posts. Of course the older generation of women are different. Of course, there are always exceptions to any range of people or age.
I’m not sure who was arguing your viewpoint, but I guess we have to add the caveat “generally” to everything we write. Geez.
ok, yes….generally the older generation is more subservient. We were raised in a different era, no? I see the marriages of our children even being different.
