My aunt said the same thing. Friends sit together and the dining room was practically assigned seating because of resident routine. It could be difficult to make friends at meal times.
Hoggirl–you gonna be available to keep MIL ? lol
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Mil will not be, “kept,” here with dh and me for any extended period of time. Temporarily, sure. But if things fall apart with Bob, we will find her a new place to live.
I do think it’s very junior high out there. I think Bob avoids socializing much because he has ex-wives living there. Supposedly, wife #3 was quite social and he was social with her. She is the one who died. I am pretty sure they lived there before wife #1 and her current husband moved in. But, now both #1 and #4 are there. Perhaps particularly laying low because of how recent the divorce from #4 is. She is apparently well-liked. I assume there is some level of civility with #1 since she is the mother of their children. But, maybe not.
Mil was under the impression (not sure why) that the dining hall was completely closed on Sundays. I knew they had a Sunday brunch. I just said, “Really? I have an older friend whose mom lived out there, and I know she would go have brunch with her. Now that was several years ago, so maybe it’s changed.” Knowing full well it had not. The dining hours are posted on the website. So, idk if Bob told her they aren’t open on Sundays to keep her out of the dining room or what. My understanding is that the Sunday brunch is kind of a popular thing. I know Bob tends to eat more in the Bistro than the dining room.
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@deb922: It was me who took exception to your generalization about older women. I apologize for being defensive – I hate being grouped into a category that I don’t feel represents me. Please don’t leave this thread!!
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I think in MIL’s case, there’s more to this than just possibly being in a relationship/marriage with Bob. It is a move to a new area. It is a change from a single-family home to a retirement community setting. That’s why I love the idea of her having a trial run for at least 10 days where she participates in meals, some of the activities (including some without Bob), etc. I think on top of all that for anyone making this big change is that a couple of his ex-wives live in this fairly small community and the social implications with that in the dining and events she may attend.
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Some CCRC have guest accommodations that can be reserved for out of town guests…of course for a cost…but folks who own there. Perhaps this could be researched…and if possible, might be the middle ground for MILs next visit.
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I did this once. I took my mom to San Diego to visit her sister who was staying in a CCRC. We were able to get a room and stay there (to be honest I was really uncomfortable with it but it worked out good for my mom and her sister, which was most important). In the end I’m not even sure they charged us.
But based on what we know and how they have already shared “space” - between their homes and the cruise/vacation, I don’t know that Bob (or MIL) would go for this arrangement for one of her visits. But a good suggestion none the less!
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Yes, the CCRC that Bob lives in offers a guest suite. But no way, no how would that happen.
I’m pretty sure they started having, “relations,” his very first visit to see her in her town.
So if MIL stays in Bob’s place for a couple of weeks or so, she’d have plenty of time to consider and discuss what she’d like to change and move and discard to allow room for her own furniture and possessions. (It doesn’t feel like Bob would be happy with such a discussion.) An extended road test! This would be in addition to feeling out the social climate and opportunities.
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Would they allow a visitor to participate in activities without the resident?
My MIL is a strong person but she does in many circumstances defer to what my FIL wants. FIL on the other hand is interested in making his wife happy so does do activities that wouldn’t be his first choice.
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That’s called having a relationship of mutual respect.
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Great question! Bob should get on board and do things with her. Though, I think doing some things without him would be good as well.
@Marilyn - she plans to be up here a full week if she comes next week.
Sil is suggesting that if mil comes next week that might be a good time for dh to meet with her and the financial people so we can get clarity on some of our questions. I suggested to sil she come here, stay with us, and attend as well if that happens, but she doesn’t want to. I would like any financial meeting with dh to be sans Bob, but I don’t know if he or mil would, “allow, that.
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I think your H gets to insist that the “boring” meeting to review his mom’s finance be just the two of them. Period, non-negotiable. And if he won’t do it, you’ll need to show up just so you can keep Bob in line.
There is not a single story of scams, financial fraud, undue influence, etc. with an elderly person that I’ve ever heard of that didn’t start with “He’s just sitting in”. Or “she’s only here for moral support and to take notes- my memory is so bad these days”. Except for my elderly MIL’s identity theft, but that’s another good reason not to have Bob in the room while your H reviews her Advanced Care Directive, trust documents, and financial picture.
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I suggest DH talk to mom ahead of time, IF Bob is going to be at financial meeting, verifying that MIL is OK if DH is a little “heavy handed” if necessary at the financial meeting. I doubt she will be, but she will hopefully be fine if her son speaks up on her behalf.
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I think including Bob in any financial meeting right now would be a mistake. He has only been dating MIL for a few months!
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And if he gets to see hers, she should definitely get to see his financial advisor/be aware of his financial situation.
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- I agree
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@Hoggirl – Your H can also limit the “financial” conversation to just what it will cost to buy in to the CCRC and what the monthly charge will be and not get into the details about her entire estate and assets. Your H and MIL should discuss beforehand the very limited scope of any meeting that Bob is in attendance as none of the rest is any of his business at this time.
The finer details are no one’s business but MIL and your H and whomever MIL wants to know.
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Unfortunately, he went with her to the first financial meeting she had at the CCRC. Back in July. At least I assume he did. Remember, she didn’t share this was happening. We knew because friend L knew. Therefore, there is no way to know what she has already said in front of him. My fear has been she was, “braggy,” about her net worth. She has said, “He has plenty of money.” But, we have NO idea what she is basing that on. He just bought a new car. Was that financed? Paid for with cash? Is he spending through his resources to give the appearance that he is financially sound? Is he having to dip into savings to pay his monthly CCRC fees? Will mil wind up having to pay more than half of the fees because he spends through all his savings?? What is his current monthly income with SS? Does he have other retirement income? I mean, who knows?
And, you know what? His adult kids may be worried that mil is a big ol’ gold digger. I mean, that’s fair. He did have a prenup with Wife #4. That is somewhat reassuring.
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That was a meeting with a paid employee of the CCRC whose job it is to sell the place to anyone who they think can possibly afford to live there.
I don’t think Bob is gullible enough to believe that your MIL was sitting on an up to date spreadsheet detailing her assets, market performance, etc. right?
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I love coming back on cc and seeing that this thread has taken off. Like, what’s going on???
i know you’ve said MIL is your monkey but not your circus and that you and dh have been trying to not insinuate yourselves too much. Commendable. But I’m wondering whether dh needs to start insinuating himself a bit more. Your MIL is used to overbearing FIL and now has overbearing Bob. She is used to having a man be in charge. Can dh be that man for now?
I say this because my mom would often call me in to be the heavy. She always wanted me to get involved – although she never said it that plainly – because she knew that I could accomplish what she wanted done. And she would always say, “But be nice!” lol She was afraid that clearly stating what we wanted, if it was in direct conflict with a salesman/doctor/whoever, was “being mean.” But she still called me in to get it done!
Would your dh be comfortable telling his mom that he wants the two of them to meet with the CCRC people alone? She clearly trusts and respects your dh. I bet she’d be a bit flattered that her son was so forceful about looking out for her interests.
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