My mother wants someone to tell her what to do so that she can complain and blame when it doesn’t go the way she wants.
Super fun! 
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I can totally relate :(.
I realized too late that in my mom’s case it was actually paralyzing anxiety. She simply COULD NOT make a decision on many things. (I’m talking “Which restaurant, the Asian food or seafood?” kind of decision, nothing “life altering.”) But there were so many cases where she complained no matter what - “Well I would have picked seafood, but since you wanted Asian we went there” kind of stuff. It was really tough because I was trying to be kind, but her not choosing/complaining was hard to deal with.
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Haha, I posted a whole rant about my mom’s anxiety on parents helping parents.
it’s very difficult
It may have been why I voiced some frustration with this topic yesterday, it’s me not you!
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Yeah, sorry I did the lol emoji, but I was thinking how you have to laugh to keep from crying
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The lol emoji is exactly how I’m feeling!
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Actually it’s becoming the other way around. Not your monkey but definitely your circus.
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That seems reasonable. But… in these situations, I’ve heard skepticism about whether each person would really reveal all of his/her assets. Some things are pretty easy to hide, especially if the asset has no yearly evidence on tax returns.
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It’s pretty easy to get a letter from a brokerage or financial institution stating the client MIL has at least $xxx,xxx in its institution. We did that in connection with real estate offers.
More info is on a need to know basis. The CCRC and Bob have no need to know more than that, plus MIL has assets that can provide a stream of income of $y,yyy per month. The institution where she holds funds could provide such a letter as well (no source of specific funds should be required,) just “MIL has sufficient assets to generate a monthly dispersal of $y,yyy over her lifetime.” No one needs more info than that right now. @Hoggirl’s H can keep things as concise as possible and not disclose more than absolutely essential in the meeting.
To get the price of immediate annuity to guarantee $y,yyy income you can look at a site like Immediateannuities.com or similar.
If Bob is present at that meeting and that’s all he sees, so what? There is really no need for anything more to be presented to the CCRC or him at this point. I’d keep further financial info under wraps as privacy is best until there is a good reason to disclose more. Keeping the info under wraps protects MIL from undue pressure of CCRC and Bob.
When the time comes, monthly dispersals can come from an annuity, social security, pension, bond ladder, sale of equities or other assets (real estate), dividends, RMDs, rental income or whatever in any combo. It’s no one’s business as long as MIL can pay.
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If need be, the CPA or tax preparer for MIL could write letter about MIL’s disbursements. We were able to print a letter about having assets of $xxx,xxx on our Schwab website. It was very easy and broker recommend we do that or have our bank write a letter. For one offer we did have bank write a letter (Schwab was easier—no need to speak to anyone).
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lol. Dh is her CPA and tax preparer
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Your H can sign an affidavit saying that “MIL has sufficient assets to have a disbursement of $y,yyy for the rest of her life.” That will be sufficient. I am not sure that brokerages will do that as easily as it takes some calculation to figure that out and isn’t as straight-forward as just checking the balance to say, yes, MIL has $xxx,xxxx.
Since your H is a CPA, he can just write a letter on business letterhead saying the statement above. That should be adequate. That’s all CCRC cares about anyway.
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One thing I’m not worried about about Bob is his being a giggalo after her money. His ex wives are right there so not pressing charges for fraud or stealing money, and he’s admitted to having a pre-nup for at least one previous marriage and is willing to do it again. I don’t think he even gets a big financial benefit to her moving in with him, except if they split the monthly fee his may go down a little (2 people aren’t double the cost of 1 person, but he doesn’t get 1/2 off).
I’m not saying not to get as much financial stuff settled up front, but it’s not the same as if MIL met him on the cruise and he wants to move in with her or borrow money or has a cousin who is the King of an African country with great investment deals available. I think the financial risks are pretty open, that she’ll have to pay $100grand to the CCRC to move in with the risk of only living a few years, having to pay the monthly fees whether or not she likes the activities, and of course all the up front costs of moving, selling her house, changing all her doctors and DL and other things she may get for free where she lives now.
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@Hoggirl — one thing to have your H ask about is whether MIL or estate gets any $$$ back if she moves out or dies. Some places return a portion of the deposit while others don’t. It is just nice for your MIL to understand for estate purposes.
When my parents both died, the estate got back 90% of the $x,xxx,xxx deposit, which was a hefty amount. Folks who bought in after my folks get a smaller % back to their estate—80 or 85%. Even divided among many descendants, it can be a pretty significant amount.
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Huh?
The ex-wives may not have had money in their own name (or much of it) when they got married. So nothing to steal, and signing a prenup with someone who is not bringing assets into the marriage is a lovely symbol of your devotion while not protecting anyone. Everyone loves signing a prenup when there’s no actual money on the table.
Discounting financial motivations is how scammers get away with it. And you also have no idea if either of the ex-wives is currently exploring her legal options in order to sue Bob. No idea whatsoever.
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After witnessing her aunt and uncle’s acrimonious divorce that went on for 2 years.
My daughter signed a prenup. First marriage, no real issues. Just a belief that things have to be better than that.
Neither kid had divorced parents either.
They were in their mid 30’s. My daughter was the one who always said she would have a prenup.
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One other line of inquiry is what happens if the couple need different levels of care. One is fine in independent living while the other needs skilled nursing, assisted living, memory care, nursing home or whatever. Does the couple split up? Can they remain together and have additional help? What are options & costs? What if couple disagrees about what to do?
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My son and DIL have one also. They were mid-20s when they married.
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We mentioned it to S but I don’t think he and DIL got a pre-nup, even though S had a LOT of assets and I have no idea what assets DIL had/has. Both agree mostly about money and S spends more (while he also makes more).
It was posted above that only marriage #2 was a short term marriage, that the others lasted longer, and the most recent one was ~7 years I think. The divorce hasn’t been going on for years for#4 to recover assets that were taken. I don’t know if they entered the CCRC as a couple or each paid their own way in, but Bob isn’t making money on MIL moving in except for the monthly fees -OR- if he gets MIL’s refund (if any) if she dies before him but after moving into the CCRC.
I just meant I didn’t think Bob was one of the scam artists who seek out singles on cruises or moves to town, marries, and then takes off. Bob’s been in the state since HS. Maybe he has houses in other states or countries and will try to take MIL’s money and leave town. That info would be out in the community since 2 exes live there.
I’m not on Team Bob, as I do think he wants/needs a wife to take care of him and doesn’t want to change in any way to be supportive of MIL’s interests. He wants her to move to him, he wants her to do his activities, he wants, wants wants. I might be wrong but if he wanted her money, he’d move to her house and get on that deed.
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It’s interesting that @Hoggirl has already stated that neither MIL nor Bob want to be the nurse—both want to BE nursed.. I wonder how that will play out.
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