I have no idea why I felt the need to make up a fake name! 
. I kinda like it though
“Bob’s you uncle”? Good to have a fake name. 
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In my family, the name “Bob” is always our go-to generic name for things. Like that random lizard in the backyard? We call him Bob. 
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Sil stoppped by mil’s yesterday. Informant friend was also there. She lives three houses down from mil. Mil reluctantly shared with sil that Bob was coming to visit. I got the idea that sil was kind of fishing. Sil said she would not be stopping by mil’s during his time there, but mil said she wanted her to meet him. Sil called and told dh and me all this last night but wasn’t supposed to as mil said she would tell me herself today.Told her she didn’t want sil telling me. Thus far, mil has not told me of Bob’s visit.
Bob has now decided he is driving down which makes things easier if it doesn’t go well. There are no direct flights from here to where mil lives (it’s just not that far), so I guess it was too spendy.
Sil and friend were there three hours, and mil was not on her phone at all. Sil thinks she’s cooling her jets some. I think she’s being more nonchalant so sil won’t react, but idk.
Informant friend has also been doing some recon, and we are getting conflicting info about wife #4’s health situation. We had heard mild dementia but informant friend’s informant said wife #4 is having physical challenges and that Bob can’t, “handle,”that. I have a friend whose in-laws are neighbors of Bob and wife #4 and they say mild dementia. But they don’t really know them. Our whole state is one giant small town!
Ugh. I had one friend whose mom was a widow for ten years before remarrying. This friend’s gyno suggested she tell her mom about Aquaglide because the gyno had seen and repaired several vajayjay tears in older women who had abstained from relations and then decided to renew them after many years. How does one have these conversations about that and STDs? I don’t even know what, if anything, they are going to be doing behind closed doors. I really don’t want to know!
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You do NOT have this conversation with MIL.
Your MIL has friends, neighbors, presumably knows how to use the public library, and has read a newspaper in the last 20 years, correct? She knows what an STD is. She lived through AIDS and if she watches network TV has seen ads for every HIV treatment currently on the market. And since she does NOT have dementia, she can find out what she needs to know to stay healthy regardless of what twists and turns her relationship takes.
“Mom, do you need me to pick up your statins while I’m at the pharmacy today?” is perfectly fine. Anything that is remotely related to her intimate life- nope. I have seen this spin out of control very, very quickly. You bring the subject up- you become the confidante you do NOT want to be!!!
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My FIL died 25 years ago when MIL was probably 72. She met a wonderful man whose wife had died a couple of years before after a grueling illness. He was a compassionate intelligent man – well-known medical researcher on pediatric diseases. They decided not to marry but just to live together. This avoided a potentially difficult prenup conversation, and she had more assets (e.g., three houses) so the question would have been how to draft a complex arrangement.
They had a really nice 15 year relationship and he was a gem of a human being.
But the choice not to marry led to more complexity and some bad feelings when he began to decline and knew, as a doctor, that he was dying. His kids were still, in principle, responsible for him but my MIL was taking care of him. He didn’t want to worry them and always told them he was doing pretty well when he could not dress or feed himself, but that meant 90 yo MIL was overwhelmed. They needed to hire someone to take care of him and his sons did not want to do it and kept insisting it was really to take care of her. Left some bad feelings at the end.
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Friend of mine (much older than me) ended up GF to man with a wife who had dementia. He would not divorce his wife and very upfront about it. She was basically a caregiver to the wife until her death. Then they broke up. I can’t say he was totally using her–I think they each got something out of the relationship.
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It sounds like she had many, many good years with her nonmarital partner and things got difficult at the end. Fortunately there were resources to hire help when his kids wouldn’t step up.
Not my family but sounds like a good experience for her on balance.
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Spencer Tracey? He wouldn’t divorce his wife to marry Katherine Hepburn.
I knew of a situation very similar to the one @gouf78 described. The man was Catholic and he really did not want to divorce but his wife was in assisted living for many years and he sought a companion. His kids were fine with it.
I would never be the gf to someone who was married. I sure wouldn’t be the gf to someone who was married AND take care of their ailing wife! Why?!?!
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It’s possible that problems would have existed even if they had married… especially if they kept money separate (as is often the case with retiree marriages).
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@Hoggirl -I wouldn’t do that either. Just saying it happens.
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Exactly. She was very happy with him.
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He was married close to 50 years and wouldn’t leave his wife. She had bad dementia but was in relatively decent health at the time and lived at home. Hard situation all around.
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Okay, so we’re only three sleeps away from Bob’s arrival!
Mil has now invited sil, Friend C, and Friend C’s husband to Happy Hour on Thursday at her home to meet Bob. Before it was only going to be sil who met him. Friend C is also going on the girls Temecula trip from my other post about in-laws/out-laws. I can hardly wait to hear what sil and Friend C think!
The only new development I know at this point is Bob told mil that the gossip going around his CCRC was that he dumped wife #4 when she couldn’t get around anymore. I’m not sure why he told mil that (sympathy?). If you recall, according to him she filed. We are still not clear on what type/s of health issues (physical and/or dementia) she has. Also per him (I think I mentioned this before) her three kids never wanted her to marry him in the first place. They’ve been married around 7.5 years. And, all that makes me wonder how mil would be received if she reciprocated and came up here to visit him at his CCRC.
My pastor’s parents live in the same place in the same type of housing as he does. What a bummer that gossiping is a sin ‘cause I’d love to know what they’ve heard. 
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@Hoggirl , can i tell you how excited I was to see you’d updated this thread?? Next best thing to gossip…
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I hear you. I’m way too fixated on this.
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I’m curious how this is going to go.
I am wary that your mil is inviting multiple guests to meet a man she is thinking about being romantically involved with but hasn’t met in person with that in mind.
It seems very jumping the gun so to speak.
I’d also be wary that this is love bombing. Since it sounds to me that your late fil might have had some narcissistic tendencies, I wonder that your mil is susceptible to that type of person.
Although I think everyone is entitled to do what they want, all of this has me feeling in a way where I’m wondering…
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I don’t disagree.
I will reiterate she has met him. Remember, they grew up together and were in the same graduating high school class. Even went out some, though Bob was not her high school sweetheart. I do not know the last time she saw him in real life. He was not in the most recent class reunion photos from three years ago.
While I think she does miss fil, I know she has not missed having to attend to his every need. I’m so glad she hired a housekeeper after he died - he had been too cheap for that. She doesn’t cook much for herself anymore either. Fil never liked to go out to eat and expected dinner every night. She goes out more and picks up lots of prepared meals from a catering place. I do know she dislikes having to deal with house issues that arise. Fil always handled those. And, that’s kind of the problem with Bob - his living situation is such that he won’t have any of those needs. So, he isn’t going to create much, “work,” for her. He can mostly just be a companion. The CCRC takes care of everything other than personal laundry. And, she won’t have to worry about home repairs/maintenance either.
I do worry she is likely susceptible to love bombing. I had wondered if he’d show up with flowers or send some before his arrival. If he’ll open doors and pull out chairs and exhibit traditional gentlemanly behaviors. If he’ll be tender and hold her hand, etc. Idk if fil did those in the beginning or not. He certainly never did any of them that I observed as long as I knew him. In fact, the only time I saw fil touch mil tenderly in the 32 years I knew him was at her father’s funeral when he put his arm around her. I never saw him hug her or give her a little kiss or anything. So, if this guy is remotely demonstratively affectionate in any way, she may eat that up.
It just all seems so rushed. Thats the 
for me
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