Whether she’s pays 20 or 50% isn’t really the issue anyway. It’s just one of the many side issues. Oh well, I’m glad SIL was able to speak with the attorney and at least raise issues. I’m hoping MIL is happy with whatever ends up happening and things will go as well as possible.
3 Likes
Mil wouldn’t be the first woman who was set on marriage and her partner wasn’t as set… Maybe that is is the magical thinking
In this case if Bob slow rolls marriage, that’s one of the best ideas he’s had throughout this entire relationship.
Maybe he could give her an engagement ring and tell her as soon as she gets pregnant, they are going to get married 
12 Likes
I’m not sure I’ve read all the new posts, but them slow rolling marriage could be good in another sense too. IIRC, she can get money back from the CCRC within 2 years? SO, if she buys in, and they don’t get married but spend significant time together, she can get her money back if she/they decide it’s not going to work - is that correct? I like that idea…
2 Likes
To an extent, yes. And, it’s five years. They take 10% right away as non-refundable. Then a declining balance of the total of 1.5% per month. They charge you three months worth of fees if you leave, but idk how that would work with Bob and her having that, “internal,” agreement to pay half each. I’d stiff him - lol.
Not marrying him would make things more straight-forward to extricate herself from him should she change her mind.
I just don’t want him to be lying to her about future marriage such that she’s duped into moving forward if he never intends to follow through.
7 Likes
I doubt he’s lying to her.
In his head, he’s doing what he does…. “getting married”. And if the current plan means MIL has time to see what actually BEING married to him is like- it’s all good, no? She hasn’t sold her house, her friends aren’t going to forget about her if she’s gone for a few months, she can afford the hit to her assets if she changes her mind and has to waive the deposit.
Yeah, tax consequences to liquidating enough assets to come up with the buy in. But not consequential to her net worth in the long run, right? And if it means avoiding being married to a guy who… let’s just say is not attuned to MIL’s needs and feelings- probably worth the “penalty”.
6 Likes
I agree that you may have to take the wins, hope for the best for the losses!
I’m glad to see this has become a little bit of a family affair (no pun intended!) with both your H and SIL having some assistance to MIL in the game - and of course, your support too.
3 Likes
I think Bob likes being married, so he still intends to marry your MIL. But I think delaying wedding plans and first moving in and spending more time together, and experiencing life at this new place (for MIL) is a win before getting married. If it doesn’t work out later, she can move out and lose some money, but not all of it, and it would be easier than divorce.
I also think that Bob not being in a rush for the prenup but getting the CCRC thing ironed out first is not a problem because he has agreed to having a prenup before getting married. He likely is eager to get the CCRC thing worked out, as you have mentioned that MIL is nearing the total number of days permitted to be a visitor/stay there.
2 Likes
From what I’ve read of MIL, I would guess that she would not move out once she’s moved in, because that would be “admitting” that she was wrong about this situation. 
I wish she would just slow herself down on buying in and moving, and get to know the man better and think things through. This forced rushed timeline is juicing her magical thinking about the entire affair (and she’s got big blinders on as well).
8 Likes
This has been one of sil’s biggest concerns all along. The pridefulness and focus on appearances certainly seems strong among The Silent Generation.
I think Bob is leveraging the 30-day limit for visits to his advantage. I think Bob leverages everything to his advantage, unfortunately.
5 Likes
The 30 day limit is also interesting- I could understand limiting #of days per month but gosh, you would want your residents to be maintaining family and friend relationships so 30 and done seems rigid. Was that 30 annually?
Just a guess. This might be coming from the local landlord tenant laws. If someone stays longer than 30 continuous days, they could be considered a tenant with rights and legal protections.
2 Likes
Yes, it is 30 days annually. But, I think that’s per guest. In other words, a son could have 30 days, a daughter could have 30 days, etc.
Dh said in the meeting they said they aren’t militant about policing the 7 days at a time/30 days per year. The example given was, “If your grandkids come and stay nine days around Thanksgiving because that’s the amount of time off they have, that’s fine.” But, I suppose they don’t want people abusing the system.
However, at this point, the idea of mil co-habitating with or marrying Bob is known to the CCRC staff. So, I’m assuming they will be more observant. I re-added. She’s been up here 21 nights in total. Think they are coming back Monday or Tuesday, and then planning to stay around ten days to two weeks. So, she’s about to me pushing it and has now met twice with them about buying in.
1 Like
I kinda doubt it. This really isn’t set up as a lease. Even if it were, ours is a landlord- (not tenant-) friendly state.
In fact, I find the CCRC contract to be rather vague. My suspicion is that is intentional. This place has been operational for at least 35 years. It’s set up as a non-profit.
On the one hand, yes, and there are all the practical/legal/financial considerations (and possible fallout). On the other hand, they’re 86! Time is not on their side. They’ve spent a lot of time together in the past few months, going to high school together gives her familiarity with his background, and the sex is good, per her report. So maybe some magical thinking is okay. She may be fully aware of Bob’s difficult qualities, and the tradeoffs are worth it for her.
3 Likes
Ya’ know, you’re right. They’re 86. Let them have their fun.
1 Like
15% of me feels that way. The rest feels like you can have sex and a relationship without the complications of marriage.
14 Likes
I personally don’t get why high school 70 years ago has any bearing on being a factor in knowing/trusting him.
9 Likes
I think this way of thinking is kind of from another time. Your family went to church with his family or they belonged to the same club so surely he’s just like us and is great. Being of a certain pedigree was enough back in the day.
1 Like
It’s interesting - I’m not the same age range as mil but a few people I went to HS and college with got together with a high school/college classmate they’d dated - after a midlife divorce (kids with first spouse grown).
In those instances the couples married and now seem happy (as per Facebook!).
I wonder if seeing someone from HS decades later brings you back to those days of youth and the emotions from that time?
2 Likes
Maybe that’s part of my dismay … I can’t imagine EVER getting back with my HS boyfriend! 
8 Likes