This reminds me of an acquaintance and her SO who were together for decades, but never got married. She received significant widow benefits because her husband was a veteran, and she would have lost them if she remarried.
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That was part of the story. He’d worked for the state as an accountant (or something like that) and as a police/fire chief for the town. She’d worked for the town clerk for many years so got some kind of pension. He was also older so had a WWI pension and mustard gas payments. When they retired they signed over some of the payments to the state for their mentally handicapped daughter who lived in a group home. Not sure what the BF had but he was older so could have had a war pension too.
They were troubled by the ‘living in sin’ part, and did eventually get married, but it was a financial thing.
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My aunt never remarried after my uncle died, though she had several long term BFs after him. It never seemed to stand in her way. She had a full and active life and enjoyed each of the BFs sequentially—1st the one right after my uncle’s death. After the BF died, she started dating a former neighbor who was a widower. After a while, she moved on to a relationship with another man. She saw no reason to remarry and never did. She was able to travel—with them or by herself or with other friends and seemed quite happy and satisfied.
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My parents (who are in their early 80s) would not allow my fiancé and I to stay together at their house “because you aren’t married.” Mind you, this is when I was 28 years old, and we were also living together for over a year at that point.
Fast forward to this year, and when my 20 year old son and his girlfriend were going to join my folks and I for Thanksgiving, my folks casually said: so have you thought about what rooms to put people in? We’re thinking they could stay in the guest house, then they could have their own space.
I was so stunned it took me a moment to reply; stammering, I said: “I hadn’t really thought about it yet, and…” then my dad interjected and said: “they’re 20 and in college, so I’m sure they’re sleeping together.” And then my mom laughed!
You could have knocked me over with a feather.
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I am guessing that many of that generation view “living in sin” as a thing for young and/or never marrieds. It’s tied more to sexual “purity.”
Once someone has been married and, ah, no longer pure, I feel like that generation is not as concerned about living together. Just my two cents.
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My DH and I visited his parents for a long weekend (and announced our engagement later that weekend). I’d met them once before. We were not allowed to share a room so he shared a bedroom with his brother and I had the sofa bed in the living room. I was super uncomfortable on the sofa bed so I was allowed to share a room with the brother (two twin beds) while DH moved into the sofa bed.
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My parents were very opposed to us living with any of our significant others but didn’t voice any thoughts about any of the grandkids living with their SOs. I think they mellowed once they finished raising us and just figured the grandkids were figuring things out. Only one of my siblings openly lived with her BF before she married him.
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My parents and my inlaws were very opposed to non-marrieds sharing a room (and my inlaws were in serious denial when my BIL would travel with his gf and were obviously sharing a room but they assumed that the “girls” were sharing and the “boys” were sharing).
Lo and behold, my children and their partners have stayed over together at both houses with nary a peep. To be fair, my mother died before any of this happened, and she might have been the holdout.
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So you could share a bedroom with the brother but not your BF?? SMH.
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Yup!!!
I adored my in-laws. I just thought this was funny.
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My wife and I were in our mid-30s, engaged, and living together and got the same treatment!
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Yes, we were already living together as well. And we got married three months later, so no more uncomfortable sofa beds for either of us!!
We weren’t allowed to share beds with any boyfriends, but it had more to do with space than ethics. All beds except the master bedroom were twins or even bunkbeds, there were sofas (and you usually had a dog watching or sharing), there were blow up mattresses on floors. There was no hanky panky going on, even if it was a spouse or if you were living together.
The was true even for my 80 year old aunt and her boyfriend. When they visited, they got assigned a twin bed somewhere. My mother (who was raised by this aunt) said “she wouldn’t allow it in her house, I’m not allowing it in mine” (but it was really a space issue).
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@Hoggirl — from your silence, I’m hoping this means all is going fairly smoothly for you and your loved ones at this time. You all certainly deserve a break from the drama.
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Oh, thanks.
My dh had a fishing trip with his high school buddies this weekend, so I hopped on a plane to go visit our son. It’s been GREAT to have a little getaway. Though we’ve had some discussions about his grandmother, it certainly hasn’t dominated our conversation. So, yes - a nice break from the drama!
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Mil is writing her check for the buy-in this morning. Said in the group text she was about to be an official neighbor to dh and me. Sil did not respond directly to that. I simply posted a meme of Mr. Rogers saying, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”’
She and I are going to lunch and perhaps doing some shopping tomorrow.
Trying to decide if I’m going to ask about marriage. Thoughts? As a refresher: Mil previously told me that if she moved forward with a buy-in that she and Bob would get married. When I asked why, she replied, “Because of my upbringing.” She also told sil and Friends L & C that she and Bob were getting married, “sooner rather than later.” Also recall that after her pre-nup meeting with sil and the attorney that Bob seemed a bit flustered because he said the more pressing issue was getting the buy-in done at the CCRC. We just don’t know if one or the other of them is getting cold feet about getting married. It seems like a natural question to ask given what she has told us.
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If I may…
I wouldn’t use the words wedding or marriage at all. If she plans to marry Bob sooner rather than later- she’ll tell you (or wait until it’s a done deal). So I’d go with the friendly but intentionally vague “what else is on the to-do list before you move here- and are there things we can help with? You already know H is working to make sure that the finances and taxes are where they need to be- what else needs to happen? And would you like me to review the contract with the facility just to make sure there aren’t any provisions that could be more expensive or inconvenient for you than you are anticipating?”
If she’s getting cold feet about marrying him— terrific. Don’t make it hard for her to sit with her cold feet for a bit!
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Well, remember, she isn’t exactly moving here as she is keeping her house in her town.
But, I do like the open-ended, “What’s next on your to-do list?” very much. They have been filling in gaps of needed items at his home here.
edit: she needs to tell somebody before because that pre-nup needs to be executed.
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My first thought is that I would use the buy-in and her neighbor status as an opening to just talk about the facility. How do you feel about owning TWO properties now?
Stick with me here …. and then I’d transition to the facility more generically. I’d say that I’m finding it interesting that the facility let’s unmarried people buy in … couldn’t there be a possibility of abuse? Like what if two friends wanted to buy in together to save expenses? MIL, you mentioned before about once the buy-in is done you’d get married. Is that still the plan? Do you have a timeline? I know ds would love to be here if you do so I’d love a heads up if that’s still happening (my parents would do anything for my kids!). Do you feel any pressure from the facility to get married, or now that the big financial move is made is an actual marriage less of a must-do quickly?
That’s a lot of questions, but they can be spaced out, lol. I think y’all know that I’m a former journalist so I ask A LOT of questions!
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Agree on the logistics of the pre-nup.
But I’d hate for her to feel like she’s being backed into a corner and HAS to marry Bob just because she’s buying in, signing contracts, etc. She may not be at the stage of “backing out”- but I think it’s telling that she’s not asking her friends to go dress shopping with her, asking them “should we have an informal brunch in a restaurant to celebrate the wedding, or should we do something a little more festive?” I assume that word would have gotten back to you if that was her mindset. And given how social she seems to be…. it would be out of type for them to get married and then head to Home Depot for a new doormat, right? With no celebration at all?