I think I shared that sil asked for some mother-daughter time Sunday week ago. The day before she and Bob came back to our/the CCRC town. Mil asked if Bob could tag along. Sil said, “No. that’s not what mother-daughter time means.” During that conversation, mil asked if there should be a ceremony with family and friends or if they should just do something with the two of them. Sil said, “Something with just the two of you.”
I think mil thought a wedding at her home would be fun. I think she has come to the realization that there is not much enthusiasm for that from family and friends.
Although I’d probably be the last person to encourage them getting married I’d think twice on totally raining on her parade. If she’s happy to get married then it should be celebrated. Hopefully she’ll stay happy. She’s been cautioned but at some point the kids have to let their parents go (opposite of the usual advice here on CC).
Sil has rained on mil’s parade from the get-go. I have tried to be a bit more impartial.
Thankfully, one of my mantras is, “People should have what they want,” so mil won’t be surprised if I say that to her. However, we have no plans to bend over backwards to attend a ceremony. If it works out for us to do so, I think dh would go. But, we wouldn’t rearrange plans to attend. My dh has to take the lead on that. She needs to be prepared that if she chooses to have a celebration, she may not have the robust attendance that she wants.
I have had great success with some variation of “Why do you suppose your friends aren’t more excited for you?” (leave out the family; that’s a different can of worms). I’ve used it with new relationships (where EVERYONE hates the new BF/GF; a new job which sounds like a terrible fit AND a repeat of every toxic culture the person ever “chose” to hate; the contemplated new house which is for sure a money pit and most likely something the friend just cannot afford).
I think it’s ok to leave her a little uncomfortable right now. Even if she says ‘they’re not excited because they’re jealous” or “they’re not excited because they’re such stick in the muds that they don’t even realize what they’re missing” or some variation of “it’s not Bob, it’s them”, you’ve put her in the awkward space of having to ask herself “Is he a jerk or are my friends of many decades the jerks?”
I’m going to disagree with “kids have to let their parents go.”
I have some friends who are all about giving their elderly parents agency. And, to a point, that’s fine. But when they start to falter – be that physically or emotionally or mentally — I think the kids absolutely can choose to be more hands on. Roles are indeed reversed. Once the elderly need help to the point of disrupting the kids’ lives to compensate for all the ways in which the elderly are no longer competent, I think adult kids absolutely get some say in how things proceed. It’s not like being a helicopter parent to an adult child and trying to go to their job interviews; it’s like being the parents of an 18mo and making sure that they don’t wander into the street.
I’m not saying that’s happening here. MIL sounds pretty with it. But I wanted to disagree with the idea that adult children should always let their elderly parents manage everything with no oversight. And if a person hasn’t had to deal with faltering elderly parents so haven’t seen firsthand how this can go awry, then count your blessings.
Which is why at some point the kids have to let go. MIL sounds with it and should be allowed the agency to live her life. She appears to be of sound body, mind and has the financial ability to do what she wants.
I’ve seen it up-close both ways (parents AND inlaws).
I can’t say that one way leads to better outcomes than the other. Yes, a parent who is beginning to have diminished judgment can make some financial mistakes. But a loving adult child can make mistakes as well- how many people do we all know who got caught selling in a down market because the parent needed the cash for assisted living, modifying the house, or just daily nursing care? A parent with less decision-making capability may insist on staying in the house when a move is the right call- or perhaps it’s not. Hindsight is 20/20. The rest of us just slog through it (and it is a slog- unless a healthy elderly parent drops dead playing pickle ball after a 10 mile hike, most people have a long and arduous and expensive and sad and stressful decline) and hope for the best.
I think it is a done deal now and everyone should get on the ‘happy wagon’ and just go with it. You’re there if she needs to get out of things down the road, but why not just be happy for/with her now? She’s committed, so just go on with it. She’s not asking you for money or help moving, so enjoy that she’ll be closer to you for half the time for lunches and movie dates. Help her (if she needs it) to find emergency doctors and dentists in your area even if she’s keeping her current docs in her hometown. Help her find activities in your town if she’s interested (craft classes, sewing store)
Set up a weekly/by-weekly lunch or dinner, monthly shopping trip, maybe a monthly trip to her town with just you so she can see SIL. At this point it is just about the fun.
Part of me wonders if the advice we give parents who are sending kids off to college or BS wouldn’t be good here – set up a standing date. If you and MIL are now neighbors, and honestly @Hoggirl , she’s probably feeling lucky for that – plan a weekly grocery store run, lunch, walk, – or whatever works! It’ll give her a chance to tell you what is going on real-time, so she never needs to pick up the phone or feel embarrassed that she needs to pick up the phone or wonder if what she’s going through merits a phone call. The tension of the Bob relationship is likely to make her question whether she can vent to family, even, or especially if, she needs to.
I’m for the open-ended question of “what’s on that punch list now?” And asking how you can help, which relates to the above. I am, of course, being presumptuous about the availability of your time and your appetite for spending it this way. But I do like the idea of keeping all of this framed as an open invitation to beingan ear.
Is it bad that I’m secretly hoping Bob’s son and his wife who live 30-40 minutes away from us will invite them so I don’t have to? Of course the challenge is knowing whether mil and Bob will be here or in her town for that holiday. We have not historically all had TG together. Sil and her son always did TG with her now-deceased husband’s family. They still can do that. We were all together last year, I think because it was our first year to be back in dh’s home state after six years in Florida.
After fil died, sil was emphatic - “You HAVE to take Mom for TG.” Mil flew to Florida for two years and then Covid happened. It’s kind of been a mish-mash since then. But, in the past, TG has kind of been on us.
I know it’s seven weeks away, and I am the one who annoys everyone in the family because I am the over-planner. However, our ds may be flying. He’s the only family member out of state. He’d definitely fly into our town because he’ll take whole week off, but should he book his return flight back out if our town or mil’s? He cannot wait until two weeks out to book flights. He might drive.
I guess I should just plan on the three of us here for TG and realize I may need to include mil and Bob. Ds has not yet met him. I’m selfish because I don’t want to host him.
Perhaps you could investigate local restaurants - that way you can be together if no other option but don’t have to host. And likely seating can be flexible if you need to change the number on the reservation.
I want to cook Thanksgiving dinner for dh and ds. We used to always go out when we belonged to a country club that had a great TG buffet, but we are no longer members there.
My guess would be adding people at restaurants isn’t as flexible as one would think. Especially going from three to five people. That is a different size of table. I really don’t want to go out anyway.
I’d just plan it for the 3 of you at your house, especially bc you don’t mind cooking. If it grows, so be it.
Fwiw, I will always plan around my DS – getting time in that relationship is a top priority. It drives the rest of my family a bit nuts, but it totally works for my soul.
Haha, I did a whole post last year on the complexity of logistics for our family holidays.
That was just for our immediate family, I can’t even try to figure out parents in this mess.
It was a spectacularly messy trip! I did not want to go through that this year so my husband and I are going on a trip over thanksgiving
Doesn’t mean that Christmas this year didn’t take my keen negotiation skills! It’s maybe been figured out but the reluctant travelers still have time to bail.
Obviously, we have no control over whether she does that or not. As I’ve said all along, we can give her solid advice, but we can’t force her to take it.
Bob may not be willing to provide the needed balance sheet that is called for in the pre-nup. He may tell mil he won’t marry her unless he does NOT have to sign it. We know he had a pre-nup with his most recent wife (because we can see it referenced in some of the divorce records that are public), but we don’t know who initiated that process. We also have reason to believe that Bob had more resources than wife #4. Pretty sure mil has more resources than he does.
The pre-nup requires both of them to provide balance sheets (that are incorporated by reference into the pre-nup) and attest that they have sought independent counsel away from the other. Each attorney has to sign as well.
Time will tell, but I do keep checking the marriage license info.
It’s not really a, “come and go,” situation other than for Bob and mil. Sil and her son and other extended family members or friends who sometimes join for TG all live three hours away in mil’s town. If we are all together, we are in mil’s town because that’s where everyone else is.
I’ve no idea if they will be in our (Bob’s) town for TG or mil’s. I’m sure she doesn’t either. She isn’t one to think ahead like that. None of them are - they don’t have to because they are all in-state. We nee to plan if ds is going to fly. If he weren’t coming to the state, I wouldn’t be thinking about it at all.
Do what you want for TG. If you want them all, ask them all with firm times. If they say no, you are still doing what you want to do (eating at your house).
It won’t be ALL of our family. I cannot sleep all of them. Sil, her ds, and other extended family/friends will not come up here and stay in hotels. My sil does NOT want to spend TG (or any other holiday) with Bob. If mil and Bob are here (in our/Bob’s town - well now mil’s, too) instead of the town where mil’s house is, I will invite them to TG. But, I’m not bringing up the issue. I will plan for the three of us and see how things unfold.
Sil said, “No. that’s not what mother-daughter time means.” During that conversation, mil asked if there should be a ceremony with family and friends or if they should just do something with the two of them. Sil said, “Something with just the two of you.”