I get it.
I need a Venn diagram to explain our logistics
It’s complicated and never easy
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I’d just plan on the 3 of you—your H, your S, and you. If Bob & MIL want to be included, you can just add another dish or they can bring something. Pretty much any turkey will serve a lot more than 3 people or you can add a ham or some lamb or salmon or something else.
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but be mentally prepared for them to invite you to CCRC TG dinner also! (I personally hate institutional food)…. would she want to “show off” how amazing her new digs are ?!?
(just throwing you a curve ball so you can prep an answer and not be caught wrong-footed.)
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If I plan and am ready to have my home cooked meal, I’d have my meal there and politely decline and invitations to change. Of course, YMMV.
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I’d find it hard to not ask about marriage. But if you do, it will have to be upbeat to get her to respond. Not fake, but a more positive tone, no judgement. She may fib a bit, but if she doesn’t, you may be able to extract something
You: “You must be really excited about this change and that’s it’s finally here!”
MIL: yes!
You: “ so what’s next, are you still planning on getting married by the end on the year like you said or what?” (Ask that open ended so she can’t just say yes or no)
Regarding TG, just plan on the 3 of you. Make enough for 5 people which is easy and then just wait. This is where I’d let DH lead. Ask him if he’s planning on inviting his Mom. Are you able to fully express your feelings with him, in regards to hoping his family invites them?
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I think the issue for @Hoggirl is her son.
If they know the plans, he can fly into one city and out of another.
If they plan on 3, then mil and sil decide to have thanksgiving 3 hours away, flights are out of city 1 which is a 6 hour round trip.
For those who have children flying in for holidays, but you dont know the plans, it’s so hard. It’s not like you can change flights the weekend before.
Option 3, go to son’s city, proactively changing the narrative so you dont have to think about the logistics of others. Not ideal but a thought
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This is absolutely it. Our ds. He is the only one who potentially has to fly anywhere. At least now that he is closer he can drive. When he was in CA he always had to fly. But even now with driving it’s 9 hours each way and puts miles on his car.
No one else in the family has to fly so they don’t think about it. Doesn’t occur to them.
If we wind up needing to be mil’s town for TG we will do a down and back in one day. It’s not that bad. I’ve already told mil I’m not staying in her house with Bob there. He’s not my husband’s father. He is a virtual stranger to me. Maybe at some point I would do that, but not this year.
Edit: and ds likes to come here for holidays to see the high school friends who still live in the area. We went to him in CA for TG two of his college years. I’m not opposed to traveling to him for holidays in general, but I just traveled to him last weekend.
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Then you get to draw a line in the sand.
Friendly email– “Hi guys, Little Georgie had to buy his Thanksgiving flights this week before they all sell out. So he’s coming to us for three days over that weekend and will be spending time with his childhood friends during his downtime. We’re having T-giving dinner at our place at X pm on Thursday, please let me know by November 3 if you’ll be joining us for the meal. I know we’re all torn trying to be in multiple places at the same time, so just give a heads up if you’ve already made other plans”.
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That’s the hard part. Trying to be flexible without being flexible. It’s absolutely right that your son wants to come “home” and see friends. Not be at the whims of people who don’t need to decide until the last moment
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I like that wording, but I’m NOT inviting all these people to my house for TG. But, yes, basically I’m saying that the three of us are having TG here. I’ve already told sil that. She and her ds can go to her deceased husband’s family gathering or they can do their own TG with friends. She’s fine with either of those. Historically, TG was our holiday to spend with mil and fil without sil and her family because TG was the holiday sil spent with her husband’s family. The combination of fil dying, Covid, sil’s husband dying, and now the presence of Bob has changed the dynamics.
i couldn’t care less if we are all together for TG or not. I do want ds to get to see his grandmother. But, now that she has a place here, she should be able to accommodate that. He’ll be here for a week. Since she and Bob are allegedly alternating locations, they can choose to spend some of that week up here.
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I’d just let mIL know the dates your S will be in town and ask when they could spend some time together.
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So tell everybody else that your DS Is spending Thanksgiving at your house. Have him fly into and out of your local airport. If they all want to see him, they can come to you.
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Had lunch with mil. I’m exhausted.
Sounds like she only plans to keep her house for a few months. Mil: “Next thing I need to decide is when to sell my house.” Me: “I’m confused. I thought you were keeping the house?” Mil: “For a while. I don’t think I’ll sell it before the end of the year.” 
Me: “What are you thinking? Mil: “Maybe spring.”
Me: “What have decided about getting married or not?” Mil: “I think we’ll get married. We don’t think we have to, but we both kind of think we should.” ??? Me: “When would this be? Before the end of the year?” Mil: “Probably.”
Me: “Don’t you worry you’ll miss your friends and neighbors?” Mil: “Yes, but they can come visit me.” I do not see that happening.
We did have some holiday talk. That is yet to be decided. She did say at one point: “We have them outnumbered here. We can have them come here.” My sil and her ds are NOT going to do that. She did lament that if she sells her house, dh, ds, and I can’t stay with her at Christmas. I reminded her that I’m not going to stay in her house if Bob is there anyway. That I’m not comfortable doing that. She doesn’t get it and doesn’t like it. I’ve spent maybe six hours with this guy. I told her I’m not going to run around her house in my pj’s with wet hair. That it took me years to get comfortable doing that around my fil. Mil: “We don’t have years.” 
Edit: She did say she would tell us she was getting married, she did say she intends to do the pre-nup, and she did say they would just get married at the courthouse - no ceremony
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Wow, she really opened up to you. Lots of news was revealed!
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Just gotta say @Hoggirl that you have so much more patience and thoughtfulness with your MIL than I could ever muster. Kudos to you!
I think I would have done the 
many weeks ago. I have so much empathy for my elderly patients, but somehow my mom and to some extent my MIL trigger an aversion reaction in me. Especially around the holidays when I am so protective of precious time with my adult kids and DH.
Raising a glass to you and hoping you are enjoying a well deserved cocktail.
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LOL at this.
First, your statement that you can’t run around a house in your pj’s and wet hair. I have to say, SO southern girl. I’d do it and I don’t know Bob at all. I don’t care what he’d think about my wet hair. I probably looked worse than you ever would walking out of the Y after swimming today. I don’t try to impress anyone. (I admit there are a lot of reasons I wouldn’t want to stay with 85 year old Bob, but they have to do with HIS bodily noises and smells, not mine)
Second, she’s acknowledging they have little time left. I’m beginning to think she knows what’s what and wants to spend her final years acting like a teenager.
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Oh my, the way she’s speeding through all this…she’s in la la land. 
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Guilty, as charged 
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Well, if she cleans out her house and sells it, there will be less for your H and your SisIL to have to do down the road. It sounds like she’s really committing to this CCRC and relationship. I truly hope it works well for her.
It’s great that you were able to get information and she feels safe confiding in you. You’re a wonderful DIL. I’m not convinced people would want to sleep at MIL’s place with Bob the stranger anyway, so not much of a loss selling the house. It’s easier to sell shortly after she moves out than if it sits vacant awhile and things deteriorate & she should get a better price.
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Mil also talked about Bob and her taking another cruise. Perhaps in February. Sil and I have decided that they should perhaps take a cruise over Christmas
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