I’m coming from left field, but has MIL and you met bob’s children? Where do they live? Employment? I’m hoping meeting them will provide some insight. Bob has met with MIL’s adult children, what are his like? Are they self- sufficient, do they get along with Bob? How do they feel about his getting married?
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Bob has two adult children. A son, who is my dh’s age who lives 30 minutes away, and a daughter who is twelve years younger who lives in Georgia.
It’s clear that Bob has some involvement with his son. He did the initial trip to and from mil’s town with Bob to pick mil up and bring her back to Bob’s (and our) town. I know mil and Bob and have been to Bob’s son’s house twice. We have not met him. I do know he has a heart condition of some type and is on disability. He also has Alpha Gal. He has been married to his second wife for two and a half years. Bob and his son share a passion for the same hobby, so I know they have that in common.
The daughter is rarely mentioned. She has a PhD in biology and teaches at some state university in Georgia. Bob says she comes up to our state twice a year. I don’t get the sense that they have a close relationship, but I am speculating.
Remember, Bob’s first wife (the mother of their two children) also lives at the CCRC. So, I kind of wonder if the daughter visits the mom, but maybe perhaps sees Bob obligatory and briefly when she comes to our state to visit. Again, speculation on my part.
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When I read about Bob’s kids, I think of them as young but they are in their 60s and, gee, have their own busy lives. Daughter (maybe only in her 50’s) may not have the vacation time to travel to visit her parents all the time if she’s still teaching full time. Or her mother may visit her.
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We are now on the way home from our vacation. Mil and Bob returned to the CCRC/our town on Tuesday.
Before they left sil went over to mil’s house to set up the light timers. She said Bob said he could have done it, but he’d left his reading glasses at the CCRC. Anyway, she said he followed her/them from room to room. Sil felt he clearly did not want her alone with mil. When he did go take two cans out to recycle sil had this very quick convo with mil:
Sil: Are you sure you want to do this?
Mil: Yes
Sil: He’s very controlling.
Mil: I don’t think so.
Sil: He does not want me here.
Mil: Oh, yes, he does.
That was it.
They plan to marry three weeks from Monday. Dh is going to have a conversation with mil in the next couple of days re: the status of the pre-nup. They are in the CCRC town for two more weeks. The perfect time for Bob to meet with his attorney and go over the pre-nup and get it signed. Dh is prepared to mince no words re: the necessity of getting this done and what it says about Bob and his intentions if he is unwilling to do this. He is also prepared to have a conversation with Bob.
I am really starting to wonder if Wife #4 was running low on money. Bob has told mil wife #4 will run out of money. She’ll have to pay $2,300 per month for a studio v the $1,500 per month she was paying as the second person being married to Bob and living with him in the home. Since he would have then been on the hook for the full $7,200 per month in fees, did he then start looking for a new, “nurse with a purse”???
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Haven’t posted a single word about this situation as yet, but I gotta say, getting serious creepy vibes about ol’ Bob. MIL seems like she’s living in the clouds and cannot see what’s right in front of her.
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I just hope MIL wakes up after the holidays and is content. That whatever are his shortcomings she can be ok with them. Cause this is moving forward!
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I am so relieved that dh is prepared to have a talk with Bob.
I do hope this marriage won’t happen if that pre-nup isn’t signed, but she sounds determined to move forward. I don’t think that she will put the brakes on now. She would be way too embarrassed to change course. I think about the things my aging parents dug in on, such as not driving, and this marriage feels much the same.
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If I recall correctly, Bob had said he was amenable to a prenup. If he does not sign one, I truly hope that is a red flag to MIL.
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Bob did have a prenup with wife #4. We could see that from what is public re: their divorce. Now, how that was constructed, who initiated that, whether he had independent counsel, etc is unknown.
But, he may have been more amenable to that if wife #4 had less than he does/did when they married. So, idk if he’s amenable to it with mil or not.
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OK, maybe I misunderstood a long while back that he agreed to having a prenup and was aware that MIL was having one drawn up. It is not a surprise in any case.
Idk if Bob ever, “agreed,” per se’. We were just encouraged that he had one with wife #4.
It isn’t a surprise to him. He was in mil’s town when she and sil went to see mil’s attorney He, of course, did not attend that meeting. When they returned from that, mil told Bob her atty needed the name of his atty. Per sil he was annoyed by that. “This isn’t that urgent. What we need to be focused on is getting her buy-in done to the CCRC.” He did call his atty (while sil was at mil’s house) to see if he, “did,” pre-nups.
It’s ALL very red-flaggish. I don’t think he cares if they get married or not. She’s done the buy-in now. I think she is the one who wants to get married/is romanticizing that notion. BUT, he may want to marry, too, as another mechanism for control.
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I think it’s just going to tick her off. I think Bob has only perceived sil as the, “threat,” to his scheming.
If dh is direct and tells her an unwillingness by Bob to sign the pre-nup just indicates that he is primarily after her money, she won’t care for that. Same if he tells her he needs Bob’s number to have a conversation with him. He will talk to mil first. Hopefully, she will tell him that Bob has an appointment with his attorney on such-and-such date, and it won’t have to come to that.
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He is a scoundrel to the nth degree.
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I know that dh will be tactful. There’s a way to say that he’s after her money without saying he’s after her money. I don’t even know that he’s after ALL her money, just perhaps enough to bail him out of his own financial situation – if there even is one – but I’m inclined to believe that he’s feeling a bit of a squeeze as he hasn’t been forthcoming about his own finances. The trip on the Queen Mary was a love-bombing technique designed to make MIL feel special and to make it look like he has money.
You know what it reminde ms of, almost a little too on the nose? Remember the Titanic? How Rose’s family had fallen on hard times but was on board putting on a show so that she could trap the rich guy? Titanic/Queen Mary. Potato/Potahto.
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Bob is not a nice guy. He’s a butthead. He’s self absorbed. He doesn’t really care about your MIL. She’s the replacement wife in a now long line of wives that he’s burned through. He wants a caretaker, somebody to tend to him, make his meals, dote on him, tell him how amazing he is, and do what he says.
He will isolate her at the CCRC. She will have to get his permission to do anything social. And he won’t want to do social things unless it’s something about him (like him giving a lecture at the CCRC on whatever his favorite topic is).
Your MIL is making a horrible choice in pushing a marriage. You guys have all voiced your concerns and done what you can. But she’s an adult and can make her own decisions so there’s not much more you can do.
If she proceeds to marry him without a prenup, if she dies first, he will get everything she owns. Say goodbye to any family mementos or related items. It’s so frustrating.
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On a lighter note…
Remember how mil said the one thing she wanted to do on her Transatlantic crossing was go to afternoon tea one time? And, they didn’t go?
Well, I am taking her to an afternoon tea a week from tomorrow. It’s at a lovely restaurant, and they only do it every other month. So there, Bob
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Hoping Bob doesn’t learn about it and find a way to scuttle it! (Note the nautical allusion.)
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Mil did ask if it was a, “ladies’ event.”
My reply was, “Not necessarily, but dh ain’t going 
”
I then added that my intent was for it to be the two of us as a girlie outing, but if that didn’t work for her, no biggie. Not sure if she was simply seeking clarification or if Bob was trying to horn in.
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@Hoggirl It might be too late at that point, but if you’re one-on-one with her, who knows where the conversation might meander.
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When we went to a tea recently, there was prosecco. Hope that is the case here, perhaps MIL info will flow more.
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