That is an option, but I think it’s only one glass
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@Hoggirl — you are a wonderful DIL—your MIL is lucky!
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My father was a very controlling husband, a true control freak. I know my mom would always be trying to invite him to things at times where it was just women, even the family. Not all the time if I was part of it, (I learned to push back and since I was his beloved daughter he always acquiesced to me), but if not he would be broody and moody with her, and make her pay with his attitude. That is how Bob is when they are alone i bet and that is why she keeps trying to include him in everything.
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There is a lot of Bob’s behavior that I feel I have seen from friends of mine.
Older friends.
I had a neighbor who went on a girl’s trip a couple of hours away. We went to a garden tour. Things went late, we visited this woman’s daughter. I’m pretty sure she tried to call her husband. He was so mad! I don’t think he talked to her for weeks. No more girls trips. She really wanted to but at the last minute, she couldn’t go. She would say yes, but then would cancel.
She told a story of her husband checking the mileage on her car. She seemed to think it was cute.
Bob really reminds me of this husband.
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I suspect you are ALL going to have to perfect a direct way of saying “I want to have lunch with you by yourself” (your H) or “Let’s keep it to us” (you and your SIL) or “Grandma, I’d love to spend time with you alone since I’m only going to be back for a few days” (your kid).
Otherwise, I foresee an endless round of Bob being grumpy as he’s dragged to family events; your MIL forced to put a happy face on a gloomy table, and the rest of the family feeling like chumps.
There is NOTHING wrong with a married woman (your MIL) having her own activities and outings and interests and friends. And if you don’t start off their marriage by supporting her in this, you will be saddened to learn how quickly her hometown friends drop off the planet. I have seen this dynamic many, many times- not only with widows, but with divorcees and their second husbands. It’s always pitched as “George really wants to get to know my friends” so you feel lousy saying no. But George shows up in a foul mood- making it clear he’d rather be at home in sweat pants or no pants watching the game, and then everyone leaves vowing “not doing this again”.
If your MIL now gets a manicure with a girlfriend, or visits some eclectic crafts gallery and then eats ice cream sundaes for lunch, or they go to hear a concert at the library’s “Liszt at lunch”, all of these activities will get examined under the lens of “Will Bob be happy doing this”. And a month into the marriage the answer will likely be no, and your MIL’s social isolation will begin.
So establish your boundary right now. She asked if it was a ladies event and the answer is yes.
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Well, for the families she, it’s good to remember Bob is 86 and women usually live longer. If he’s going to be a PITA for everyone, it most likely will be short lived and hopefully.
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This whole,thing with Bob does seem rushed to me…but I do have a few thoughts.
- Some women are not the self directed ones and actually prefer to have husbands who take the lead. My own MIL only did social things that FIL was involved in. She hasn’t ever gone out to lunch or gone shopping with friends that anyone can recall (including her kids). She never went out with her kids without FIL when FIL was alive. It was just the way things were. And my FIL was one of the nicest people I have ever met!
- While I think this whole Bob situation is rushed, these two people are both adults who are making their own decisions. And they aren’t getting any younger…so maybe that is some of the hurry here.
- @Hoggirl I think it’s great that MIL has family where both of these houses are for now. If there are “issues” down the road, you will be there for MIL, and that matters.
- I hope the prenup gets done!
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I’ll also add that some of us actually prefer our spouse’s company to nearly anyone else, not because we aren’t self directed, but we actually did marry our BFF. Not that it sounds like this is Bob and hoggirl’s MIL, but I felt compelled to comment.
That said, I see my girlfriends plenty for hikes, girls weekend, lunches, etc…. But H is my ride or die and we are lucky we love to do the same things with no grumpiness ; )
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I agree with the sentiments that some women are happy with their spouse taking the lead, some women are on the same page as their husband re: outings and interests, married their best friend, etc.
BUT- MIL is moving to Bob’s turf. And not just a nice condo in a development with there are diverse people of all ages to hang out with. An already established community with an ex-wife and who knows what other baggage lurking. And geographic distance to the old friends, where MIL can no longer jump in her car and have a quick visit when/if she finds communal living stifling.
So sure- it would be great if MIL allowed Bob to make the social arrangements AND they were usually the kind of activities she enjoyed with people she liked. But she’s a widow. Presumably she’s had time to figure out how to call a friend and make plans. Presumably she already knows what she likes to do– and doesn’t need her “new best friend” orchestrating every single interaction.
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To me there’s a difference between wanting to do things with your husband, which is great. But when it’s to forestall an argument or the silent treatment, that’s a whole different issue
We don’t know if it’s the former or the latter
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Sometimes married women feel guilt about doing things on their own even if the husband is perfectly nice about it. My sister said, “I’m not abandoning my husband,” when the sisters were all going to run for ice cream together. My BIL is really not a controlling guy. She mellowed a bit since then, but it’s not like that was early in the marriage - they had several kids already. I think the rest of us sisters ribbed her so much (“in Massachusetts, spousal abandonment starts at 18 months not 18 mintues”) that she started participating.
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I have been reading all along but haven’t commented. I understand your concerns about Bob, but it does sound like the decision has been made. At this point I would be making an effort to celebrate this marriage- it seems like sil is set against it and I’m feeling a little sorry for MIL. The future is always uncertain, but at their age even more so. Bob may turn out to be a controlling ass, he also may drop dead in 6 months. If it was my mil I would be planning a way to celebrate the wedding in whatever way makes sense for them- family luncheon with Bob’s kids? Life is short, try and find the joy in it if you can-
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I think @Hoggirl is doing an admirable job of being positive
Others of us, not so much…
I think the thing the hog family wants now is for the prenup to be signed. I don’t see that as a sign of not being supportive
Also what is said on a private forum are things we’d like to say but don’t express to our loved ones. I know that I do that
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“Hog family” made me chuckle.
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I hope that the pre-nup gets signed!
As for all the other comments…. I am no fan of Bob’s. And I also understand how everyone was glad for MIL’s freedom from her previous husband’s control.
I wonder too at MIL’s role in her fate at this point. She is giving the control - through guilt, obligation, kindness, fear if confrontation, who knows what - willingly. It may be dysfunctional, but some part of it works for her. She may feel like the bond with a husband will be more powerful that the bond with girlfriends. Or that it’s better protection against loneliness. For all of us looking in, the view is quite different from the one she’s seeing looking out from inside. It takes 2 to tango.
I have seen in myself and others how these patterns evolve, not always for the best. And as always, am in awe of how @Hoggirl is navigating all this.
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I think most of this crowd and don’t want to speak for @Hoggirl’s family - would be ok if MIL moves in with him, shares her home with him, travels with him, calls him her partner or beau or boyfriend, and heck have sex out in the backyard if they want to - JUST DON’T MARRY HIM SO FAST and create financial complications. No need for either of them to be lonely.
I just wish a wedding certificate wasn’t on the table.
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Except that it is– and so all we can do is to encourage OP to support her husband if he has to play hardball to the get the prenup signed. Hopefully with enough “reflection and contemplation” time for MIL to understand what’s at stake.
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I’ll move on to “celebrating the marriage” once that pre-nup is signed.
I think @Hoggirl is doing an admirable job of navigating all this, with multiple family members.
I am happy her MIL has a family that cares about her and is at least paying attention. So many by the age of MIL really don’t.
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I think there is a difference between, “accepting,” and, “celebrating.” I do agree that my sil has been openly harsh in her criticisms of Bob to mil. I have tried to remain fairly neutral with mil, though I have obviously expressed concern to her about how fast things are moving for such big life changes. “Celebrating,” would be a stretch for me because I feel like this is a huge mistake.
And, honestly, as much as I think she should do the pre-nup, that’s not even the biggest issue for me. I am fearful for her emotional well-being. I am afraid that she is going to be lonely and isolated and wind up with a broken heart and many regrets. I certainly hope that I am wrong.
As far as getting together with his kids - I gotta be honest. With mil and Bob both being 86, I just don’t feel the need to become The Brady Bunch. My guess is that his kids feel the same - they aren’t reaching out to us about a celebratory luncheon after the courthouse nuptials either.
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Your honesty is appreciated and I think I’d feel totally the same way. 
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