I am estranged from one brother and I’m a nice person (he’s a jerk). I’m fine with another brother but some of the other siblings aren’t so hot on him. Big family, lots of personalities, can’t all get along all the time.
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I dunno—there were 7 of us siblings. Most of the time we got along fairly well. We have never been “estranged” thus far, but we can feel closer and further apart at different points in time. We invariably pull together. I’m pretty close to my 2 of my sisters, less close to the 3rd sister. I’m medium close to both of my brothers and was closest to the one who died recently.
Of course there are reasons for family estrangements—physical distance CAN play a role, certainly.
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Need advice.
As I wrote upthread, I am taking mil to afternoon tea on Sunday. I’m hopeful that the majority of the conversation will NOT be about Bob. But, I will be letting her take the lead on that.
I am somewhat concerned that she may ask me to meet them at the courthouse when they marry. I don’t want to do that. There are many reasons, but my biggest fear is being cast as the, “good,” daughter-in-law, but dh’s sister being cast as the, “bad,” daughter. Sil has been far more vocal than I about her displeasure with this relationship. That’s reasonable - she has more standing than I - it’s her mother. I have tried to be neutral to mil. However, neither dh nor I are in favor of this marriage. Mil has made her decision, and there is nothing we can do about that, but I’m not signing up to be a witness or bridesmaid. Dh will not go - he works - can’t get off, etc, etc. I have no such, “excuse.” If there is any silver lining to this situation, it is that sil and I have become much closer through it. I do not want to undermine that.
Mil may not ask me to be present for the nuptials at all, but if she does, what should I say?
Additionally, by the time of the courthouse marriage, ds will be here with us for Thanksgiving week. Idk If mil would ask him to be present or not. He gets to make his own decision, but I’m wondering if I should give him a heads-up that this is a possibility, so he can have time to think about what he wants to do.
Thanks in advance, tribe.
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Because you have grown closer to SIL, I’d ask her. Tell her that you and MIL are going to tea Sunday and you are afraid that she will ask you to attend the wedding. Say that you aren’t keen on going and that her brother can’t. What do you think, SIL? And then see what she says and go from there.
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The possibility about my being asked to, “attend,” has been discussed on the group text with sil, Friend L, and Friend C. Sil already knows I am taking mil to afternoon tea on Sunday.
Friend L said I should just say, “No. Our family does not endorse this marriage.” This just seems incredibly harsh, but Friend L never minces words. Sil didn’t voice an opinion on what to say if it comes up at tea.
I may have to resort to the Phoebe line:
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“I won’t be available, I hope your day goes smoothly”
“I’m sorry, I won’t be available, I hope your day goes smoothly.”
- Leading with “I’m sorry” or not is a personal choice there; some see it just as a softened start up, others see it as an actual apology and wouldn’t say it unless they were actually sorry.
- “I hope your day goes smoothly” also doesn’t imply that you are a fan of the marriage, nor does it imply you disapprove, either. It’s a neutral statement on its face that helps put finality on your statement.
Editing to add:
I think it’s a good idea to give your son a heads up so he can think about what he would and wouldn’t want to do. He may have made “prior commitments” with his short time in town, and hopes she has a nice day. Even if the commitment is just “I’m committed to not going.”
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You may want to make some family plans now that will conflict with being in attendance at the courthouse!
While it may feel more honest to say that you can’t be there because you don’t approve, it is kinder to have a conflict, even of your own making. And rope your son into those plans.
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OK, I’m just going to say what’s on my mind …
I hate the thought of your MIL without any family or friends at the ceremony. I think your presence is about supporting your MIL rather than her decision. I wouldn’t want my mom to be alone in the same circumstance and feeling further isolated. If she asks at tea, I would say that I have reservations about how quickly this has all moved and the fact that Bob hasn’t signed a prenup, but that if she would like a little support at the ceremony then I will attend. This would be contingent on it being OK with your dh and that the prenup is signed.
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This is really good
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He may want to go. Idk.
She may ask no one. Again, idk.
I’m trying to be prepared, just in case.
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I hear you. I feel kind of guilty and selfish about not wanting to go. It is somewhat about not wanting to take sides. Dh would not go even if he could - he just has a convenient excuse.
Also, and this may sound weird, but in the entire 31 years I was around mil and fil, I never once saw them kiss each other. Apparently, when mil went on that ladies card-playing retreat, per Friend L, mil and Bob were all, “kissy-face,” when she was picked up and they were saying good-bye. Not sure I’m ready to see mil and Bob being kissy-face 
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Right away my thought is that I would say “I’m touched that you would ask me - but I’m not comfortable being there/being invited of SIL is not” - I’m hoping for the best for you but I don’t want to put any fences up with the rest of the family”.
I agree with @Youdon_tsay that I hate for her to not have family there. But also she is not really choosing to have family there. Another day, another time maybe your H would attend? Or would he not under any circumstance? And if he wouldn’t doesn’t that make it sort of odd that he wiLL not go -but you would??
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Agreed. She’s going through with it. How sad if no one is there for her.
And if the marriage does go sour, she may be reluctant to reach out for help or support if no one was there for her.
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It’s too bad you can’t say, I’ll come, but only because I hope you come to your senses at the last minute and I’ll help you get away. But it doesn’t seem like MIL has had any interest in any family member getting involved in this relationship so she may well not ask. The quickie courthouse ceremony sounds like just a legal step they want to get over with.
You could say something to the effect, I appreciate the invitation, but I would feel uncomfortable without Husband or SIL or Bob’s children also there.
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I hate things like this! It’s good you are planning ahead. I’d make plans with DS that day and that’s your excuse. Make sure he’s on board. But I believe you mentioned he’s close to his grandmother, so he might want to go. I’d call him today and work that out.
On second thought, having no one attend might give Bob fuel to turn her against all of you. She knows none of you are happy, so bring there is only showing her you love her, not that you are happy about it all. Maybe you should reach out to SIL and talk to her about this. If she asks, then maybe you, SIL and DS go. Maybe a group text between the 3 of you today.
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I agree with several of the suggestions. I especially agree that if you can find a way to support MIL and be there if invited, it would be nice.
I really like this, “I’m touched that you would ask me - but I’m not comfortable being there/being invited of SIL is not” - I’m hoping for the best for you but I don’t want to put any fences up with the rest of the family”. Because you are right not to build fences between your SIL or MIL.
Can I add that you are an amazing DIL!!! And I bet a very kind and thoughtful person in general.
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On a silly note, here were my college roommate’s suggestions. She googled, “bad excuses,” and found these:
My horoscope that said I shouldn’t leave the house that day
I have to be home for the cable guy
I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some time to recharge
I am teaching my parrot to sing Adele’s hit song “Someone Like You.”
I am trying to be less popular
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People decline wedding invitations all the time…even close family members. And they usually don’t need to provide an excuse for doing so.
I realize @Hoggirl is in the same town, but it’s a holiday weekend, and having plans that were made long before this (sort of last minute) invitation is extended is very possible.
“I’m sorry not to be able to attend. We have had plans for the whole holiday weekend for months.” And there is no need to elaborate.
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I was thinking something similar to @abasket. I would not go unless SIL was invited also. I do think it would be nice for her to have some support that day. So… if you’re both invited, I think it would be a gesture of love to make time to attend. That doesn’t mean I think it’s “bad” if you don’t go. I would leave it up to your son if he wants to attend, if invited. You do have the late request from her on your side.
I don’t think you’re interested in doing this, but another option would be to say you can’t make it to the courthouse, but think it would be nice to have a lunch/dinner/tea/whatever with the couple AND the family sometime soon.
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I shared this before, I think. I say, “I’m sorry, I have a conflict,” meaning, “I’m conflicted about coming, so I’m going to say no.” 
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