I also hate the idea of mil not having any support, but I agree it is not your job. If her children won’t go (and I personally think they should) it puts you in an awkward position if you were to go. I think I would put it all back on them.
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FWIW, no one from either side went to my FIL’s second wedding. My H told his dad that if he insisted on getting re-married after such a sort time, it would be better if they eloped and avoided all the family drama since so many people were opposed to the time line/rush.
I can see where they could have felt unsupported but thankfully our absence didn’t impact our relationship with either FIL or step MIL.
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Maybe after 31 years Bob is actually the better choice of husband for her.
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I understand this sentiment but I would personally have a hard time doing this in person, my MIL sitting right across the table from me.
I would just say what you mean “I’m conflicted about coming (since other family members aren’t invited), so I’m going to say no”.
This is her MIL, not an acquaintance! If they are at the courthouse IT IS HAPPENING. I imagine she is already pretty clear how you/you all feel - but yet, if she still asks, she is really wanting someone to be there - for whatever reason. Being there isn’t giving a stamp of approval - it’s supporting someone you care about. (This comment not directed at Maine!)
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Every family is different. This is merely my opinion…
I feel a bit sorry for MIL. This wedding is going to happen whether others, including her immediate family, agree or approve of it. Not being there seems like an unsupportive stance. This is MIL’s special day (to her) and I think family should be there for such an occasion, out of love, not an indication of approval (which she obviously does not need).
I DO think it would be odd for just Hoggirl to go. I would rally hubby (MIL’s son) to take a half-day personal day at work as this event is in your city, encourage SIL to attend, and together be there for MIL in simply sharing her special day.
IF MIL actually asks Hoggirl directly to attend, Hoggirl can ask her to extend that invitation to hubby and SIL and then the three of you try to coordinate.
As a more minor point, Bob will see that MIL’s family is there for her and if they are not there, then he could badmouth her family for not being there to her.
They are getting married whether you support the decision or not, so I’d hope that MIL’s family can move forward and be there for MIL. You have been there for her in making sure her best interests are met financially, even if you can’t stop the rush to marriage.
If this were your kid and they were marrying someone you didn’t approve of or some other aspect of the marriage was not something you support, wouldn’t. you (not you personally, but all immediate family) attend?
To me, this is an occasion that family should be there for one another, even if not truly supporting the decision that was made by that family member. Acceptance is not the same as approval or endorsement.
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I agree. Bob isn’t a convicted felon (or so we hope). He’s just someone you guys don’t like (but MIL does). And he’s from a generation where, honestly, a lot of men behaved the way he does. He might have been someone you like a lot more if he were 20-30 years younger. I am sure some of my ingrained behaviors would be different if I were my kids’ generation. I would try to extend grace if possible and be there for MIL—if nothing else to show her and Bob that her family is there for her , in case she ends up being isolated and embarrassed to reach out.
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I would also encourage you to go and to try to get your SIL and husband to go as well. The more Bob sees she has family supporting her the better. Also if your MIL feels supported the more likely she is to let you know if things start going sideways.
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@Hoggirl you might ask yourself why you were moved to invite your MIL to a sweet intimate occasion like going out for tea together but why you wouldn’t be there for her for a big life occasion (no matter your viewpoint, this IS a big life occasion!)
I would say the same to other members of the family who would be there to help her finances or during a health crisis or to buy a special occasion outfit….but will not find an hour or two for this event in her life.
Not trying to be judging at all - just pointing out some things as an outsider (with limited info!)
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Adding on that my grandfather re-married in his late 70s after being a widower for a few years. None of us really liked his new wife that much —her personality wasn’t what we would have chosen either for ourselves or for him— but they were smitten and they had a fairly large wedding with the entire extended family (60-70 people).
We all went, although I had to excuse myself at one point because I was in tears when thinking about my grandmother, whom I loved very much.
I know that there are financial issues at stake with your MIL (that weren’t with my grandfather) that are complicating issues, but it sounds like they are moving forwards with the pre-nup and even if they don’t, your family not being there at the wedding may give Bob ammunition against you which would think would be the last thing you guys want.
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As I am also a complete outsider, I have been hesitant to weigh in regarding this fascinating Bob and MIL story.
I think my extended family has had significantly more dysfunction over the years with some rifts that will probably never be bridged.
There have been several situations when I am tempted to distance from my M or MIL because they are doing something that I do not agree with. But my DH and I continue to make an effort to be part of their lives and support them (though at times letting them know we do not agree with their decisions)
One big reason is that we want to set an example for our own kids. Even though our elderly parents can be difficult, we can set boundaries and still be a family.
Very soon, we will be those elderly parents. I truly hope I will not be a PITA, but there are no guarantees. I told my kids, I will do my best and so should they.
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I think this is a very important point
I may be tempted but in the end, it’s easier to be gracious in a way I think is sometimes not the way in our current climate.
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I agree to be honest with MIL that you feel is you are the only one invited and not H or SIL or even son, there will be hard feelings especially with SIL and you don’t want that. Tell her to invite everyone (all 3 other people). If your H can’t go at 2 pm, maybe he can go at 9 am or 4 pm.
You have done everything you can to make this situation financially safe for MIL. Can’t change anything now but could hurt MIL. Just be honest and tell her why you won’t attend. Now if she asks SIL and SIL won’t go, then I think you are off the hook and can attend without guilt. Make your son go with you.
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Interesting discussion. My thoughts, which have changed somewhat since I read others’ thoughts, are to say that you’ll only go if she also invites other family members - h, s, sil at least, whether they go or not. And that you want to be clear that you’re going so that she has a family member there if she’s going through with it anyway, but that you have reservations about how quickly she has made the decision. I agree with the thinking that if she invites and no one shows up it will be an excuse for Bob to further isolate her. Maybe you can make the “I’m watching you” gesture to Bob when her back is turned. I’m also thinking that Bob wanted her to move in so quickly because he wants to show ex-wives and probably others how desirable he is. Will Bob have anyone there?
No. I can’t think of a worse way to start off any relationship you might develop with Bob.
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I know that by us the court limits the number of guests allowed due to space limitations and the number of weddings they perform. This could also factor into who they can invite.
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Was there mention in this thread (long ago) of a possible reception in MIL’s home town?
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Just to clarify - mil was married to fil for 58 years. I just knew them as husband and wife for that lesser number of years.
My hope (when this relationship first came to light) was that Bob might actually, “cherish,” mil in a way that I never witnessed fil doing. That’s not to say fil didn’t cherish her - I just never saw any behavior on his part that indicated he did.
I’ve had limited time around mil and Bob as a couple, but, unfortunately, I’m witnessing the same kind of, “taking,” and control that I saw with fil.
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Yes. Initially, mil wanted to have a ceremony at her home in her town officiated by a former pastor and attended by family and friends. I think as the proverbial handwriting on the wall (the concern about this relationship its accompanying speed) revealed itself, she backed off from that idea. She asked sil directly if she should have a ceremony or just do something with the two of them. Sil told mil she should do the latter.
It is highly possible she won’t ask anyone. Regardless, I have appreciated this discussion I do think my stance will be that I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to go unless dh and siL also go. I KNOW sil will not make the trip to attend Honestly, if she doesn’t go, I don’t think dh should go if sil doesn’t as it would only perpetuate the black sheep/golden child divide. I am thinking if she asks me, I may ask whether or not she has invited sil and dh. I know the answer will be, “No.”
I have NO idea if Bob’s son and his wife will go to the courthouse or not.
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On a MUCH lighter note – @hoggirl, if you play Spelling Bee on the NYT Games app – 6 of today’s 7 letters spells: Hoggirl!! But..alas…it wasn’t a valid word. 
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