@Hoggirl Glad you didn’t end up being put on the spot about being asked to come to the courthouse, because even though I think it would be nice if MIL’s family was with her that day, it didn’t seem workable if her daughter and son were not going to attend.
I think it was lovely of you to reach out and spend time with her today. It sounds like it was a weird get together though. Perhaps as you have said, MIL enjoyed the whole courting ritual, but now is dealing with all the logistics of moving and now the prenup, etc. and it’s a lot. I wish she could have just dated Bob, though I know the visitation issue where he lives was limited but she could have moved in without rushing into marriage. But it is what it is. I just hope she doesn’t become isolated from her family or friends. It’s nice that you and your husband live nearby. It is odd MIL hasn’t told her siblings of her marriage. Maybe today’s awkwardness is due, in part, that she knows none of you truly approve. Sorry the mood was not positive.
Through all of this, I thought the main thing is if this makes MIL happy, that’s all that matters. But it doesn’t sound like she is that happy at the moment. Hope it goes well.
Thank goodness you are off the hook! That worked out. Why do you think your proximity is an inconvenience to them? Is it because she knows she”ll get flack from Bob from being with you and DH? Do you think that was the issue yesterday, or maybe she’s having 2nd thoughts, but feels she’s dug herself in too deep? It’s one thing to be tired, another to act like she doesn’t want to even be there. Typically when tired, a person is thankful for a break and to be treated out. Her attitude suggests it’s more than being just tired.
I think her attitude at the holidays will be indicative of how her relationship with her family is going to be going forward.
Because she cannot leave us behind/walk away from us. This decision creates physical (as well as figurative) distance between everything in her past except us. She is literally walking away from that life - her friends, family, church, clubs, card groups, and home by a distance of three hours. But, she’s now five minutes from us. So, she doesn’t get that physical divide from us. I don’t know that she wants to, but she isn’t, “escaping,” us. It’s been 30+ years since we lived in the same town as she does.
I feel like much of this is an attempt to, “escape,” though I’m not sure why.
Ah, I see. I still think she’s frightened of death, and this is a mental diversion. Leaving behind everything probably isn’t her intention in that respect, it’s just the collateral damage in forging something new.
Maybe look at it through a different lens- she’s not “escaping” the things you’ve cited, she’s trying on a new identity, persona, lifestyle, etc. while she still has the chance (is mobile, cognitively with-it, still has the social skills to make new friends). I think that perspective may help you relate to her in the next few weeks.
It’s all well and good to say that she’s been a successful widow- has friends, home which she can afford, activities, etc. But perhaps from her point of view, her widowhood has not been the raging success you think it’s been. And now she’s facing a constantly critical daughter, long time friends who seem more interested in preserving the status quo than in her personal happiness, etc. And it’s exhausting.
It could be that she was exhausted. Everything is overwhelming. Help she got in the past, is gone. She can’t figure out how to forward her mail or register to vote. In the past, I’m sure her daughter helped with those things.
It’s overwhelming to move, it’s exhausting and it only gets harder the older you are.
Maybe she’s running away and although you have been trying to be nonjudgmental, she knows your husband wants the prenup signed. One more task added to a long list of things that need done.
Right now. Also now that she’s moved in, Bob may not be as helpful as he once was, he’s tired also. The love bombing is waning. Reality is here.
Running away only works in the short time. Tedious work of every day always returns. Just like returning from vacation.
I also wouldn’t discount her feeling the weight of her decisions. At a certain point in life, many options feel irreversible. She’s not going to buy another house and fill it. This path with Bob has a few different destinations, but regardless of which, she no doubt feels that the time spent with him – Including the time spent tensely with family- is not going to be given to her again. False starts earlier in life have consequences but also time for mulligans.
This is profound. Especially the piece about the love-bombing coming to an end. If the payoff to the complexity and exhaustion of doing a move was going to be 24/7 romance, now that the more realistic “life with Bob” is becoming clear, it requires a somewhat depressing calculus for your MIL.
Same for my parents, married for 64 years. I was born 17 months after they married. Never saw them kissing each other, nor do I remember them kissing my brothers or me.
Sad (to me). You too, @twoinanddone. My parents were affectionate toward each other and to my brothers. My dad was to me, mom less so. It was very important to me as a parent to show physical affection to my daughter as she grew up.
Off topic perhaps but it’s an interesting insight as to how each of us may perceive “love bombing”. I also come from a family who always shows affection. It makes me wonder how MIL grew up.
I don’t use the term “love bombing” to mean affection. It’s quickly being over-the-top in demonstrations of “love” in order to manipulate, consciously or subconsciously, the person. Bob is a love bomber.
Maybe MIL really appreciates the physical feeling of affection. It’s something I miss, living alone and seeing family including daughter infrequently. Of course I get hugs hello and goodbye from friends but it’s not a regular thing.
I can fully understand the appeal to MIL of being in a relationship. In that respect, I’m happy for her. Not that into rushing into marriage as quickly as she has, but I get the appeal of having a partner.
Bob has signed the pre-nup and provided a balance sheet. I don’t exactly think it complies with Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, but it is somewhat reassuring and aligns with what we expected.
Mil has about 2.5x the amount of assets Bob does. I imagine he has to take out more than his RMD amount to support his lifestyle, but given his age (86 in 12 days), it’ll probably be fine as long as he doesn’t go crazy spending down his retirement account. No debt. Credit card used for convenience and paid off monthly, which is what mil does.
Of course, the pre-nup does nothing to prevent mil from changing her will, signing over her assets to Bob, etc. But, we assume he would prefer whatever he has remaining at the time of his death to go to his own adult children. She has expressed the same.
The dumb thing is that they plan to go to the clerk’s office to apply for the license and get married the same day. That is allowed in Arkansas, but my internet research has shown that it is best if they schedule an appointment with an officiant ahead of time. No idea if they know this. Given Bob’s track record, he should know this, but I’m assuming wives 3 and 4 handled all those logistics.