Maybe instead of a focus on the judgement (and how irresponsible it all is!) make you statements more about how it makes you all feel.
“I could not focus on my meeting because i was so concerned that we hadn’t heard from you for hours”
“I felt helpless not hearing from you - my concern was that you were in a ditch and both injured!”
“Going out for dinner when you’re sick puts others at the restaurant at risk for getting sick too - I sure would feel awful if I made others sick!”
But the truth is, I think you are in for more of this in the future. They are on their magical carpet ride and aren’t asking for additional passengers.
My MIL was like this, too. Ignored suggestions, advice, etc from her daughter but if her son made the suggestion, it was “Oh that’s a good idea! I’ll do that.”
My husband’s aunts are like this too. They both didn’t have kids so my H and his sister are the surrogates. Sister-in-law would say something and would be totally ignored. H would say the exact same thing and they did it. Highly highly annoying!!!
My MIL listens to my husband…and he isn’t the only man. But he is the eldest son, and he also doesn’t venture his opinions often. So when he does, everyone (including his siblings) listens.
Yeah, like when my dad said he was going to leave the UT National Championship ring to his grandson rather than me. ?!? The kid didn’t even go to UT, and I got my BS and MS there, and started going to games when I was 4! I was so pissed. I know it’s because I’m not male. I actually spoke up and Dad apologized. He said, “How about this? I will leave you the ring, but when you die it will go to Grandson.” Whatever. I still wonder if Dad would have encouraged me to go into engineering if he had had a son.
Occasionally I ask DH to make a phone call to resolve problems with businesses - I know they’re more likely to listen to him. Ugh.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is to take the gender out of conversations. I have two daughters and one son and all three of them can be on the phone or in person and steer a conversation with confidence, facts and respect.
I also would not hesitate to call someone (even a relative) out on their gender favoritism.
That said, for the immediate future, it’s probably somewhat important that @Hoggirl husband - the son of the MIL in discussion - develops somewhat of a relationship with Bob - maybe if Bob trusts him a bit, the lines of communication/info will be better.
You can and should teach a dd or ds to steer a conversation with confidence, facts and respect. What we are talking about are people who won’t hear a woman’s confidence, facts and respect as they do a man’s.
OP- I think the time has come for a threeway– you, your H, and your SIL.
It concerns me that the drama (including the latest- the flu, the driving, the lack of phone calls to check in) is yet another way that MIL could become isolated from her family in the coming months. THAT’S what’s dangerous- not a person eating in a restaurant with the flu (dumb, irresponsible, but if your MIL felt well enough to go out, it probably wasn’t dangerous to HER). Is it irritating that she doesn’t listen to SIL? Yes. Is it dangerous? Not really. And yes, you’re all miffed that she’s bucked the longstanding habit in your family of checking in before a trip or a long drive, but really- there are plenty of families where that is NOT the norm, and plenty of elderly people who come and go without a check-in. So call her inconsiderate here— but keep some perspective.
What will be dangerous is if Bob succeeds in isolating her. The friends are going to be of limited help moving forward. So it’s you guys. Things that you say or do that Bob can pounce on as evidence that “I’m the only one who cares about you” or “your kids are overbearing– we can have our own life without them” is the danger here.
And you need her cooperation on a couple of key elements. Finishing the prenups. Making sure her insurance company knows that her house is going to be unoccupied for the winter/spring and she needs to make sure her current policy reflects that. I know “snowbirds” in the Northeast who did not do that and it’s a costly mistake. Making sure she’s hired the vendors to maintain gutters, heating system, plumbing/sewers, attic and roof in her absence. Etc. All the dumb and stressful stuff. She’s not a teenager running off with her college boyfriend- she’s a property owner and presumably she wants to protect what took her and your FIL decades to achieve financially.
Get your SIL on board. Focus on the important stuff and NOT the “my feelings are hurt when you don’t call me back”. Keep the “we are her loving family” narrative front and center with her, with Bob, and with the employees of the assisted living facility (yes, they are very important and can either be allies or opponents).
Wouldn’t that be the point of teaching all genders to present that way? For it to be a reciprocal courtesy? That’s how I meant it.
We can easily say “well, that’s the way they learned and acted in their lifetime so that’s the way it’s going to be (that a man’s point of view/opinion wins) “. We can also (try to) challenge this frame of mine whether we are dealing with someone no matter their age. My mom in her 80s still had some life long changes of mind/opinion. Everyone’s different. We can only try.
I agree with getting the three of you on the same page. MIL needs to hear a united front.
I also agree with not focusing on hurt feelings. I disagree a bit with @blossom in that, sure, a check-in isn’t the norm with plenty of families, but we’re not talking about other families. We are talking about this family and its “normal.” It’s the deviation from long-accepted behavior that is my concern. I would say to MIL “This is something we’ve always done so we were worried when we didn’t hear from you. Help me reframe my expectations …. Is that something you no longer want to do?” See what she says. We know she wasn’t feeling well so maybe she forgot and it was all too much for her to handle. But if she wants a different arrangement, then that’s good to know and you’ll have to live with it.
I mean, let’s face it. She’s getting older and may be losing her judgment all on her own. We don’t know that this has a whole lot to do with Bob, other than being the catalyst. When an elderly person is taken out of their regular surroundings, all kinds of deficiencies present themselves. Workarounds they had in their old homes are no longer there. I don’t think anything is gained by blaming all of this on Bob. Not saying you are, but if she feels that way she will dig in and Bob will get defensive.
This is an excellent point and is worth holding onto throughout all of this. Even people who aren’t older can screw up without their regular routine, and Bob is disrupting that. (Thinking about all the times traveling with friends when phones, passports, personal items, etc have been misplaced or lost.)
Yes! I think it is so important for everyone who can to try to put any hurt feelings aside and focus on making sure MIL knows she is loved and supported – without her feeling anyone is being overbearing. I’m sure that’s a very fine line to walk, but I think it will be important in the long run (and maybe the short run too).
I wonder if there’s nothing nefarious about not checking in than Bob doesn’t do it, maybe he made a comment, not a mean one but just a comment that he doesn’t think to check in with his kids.
I promise that it would never occur to my husband to check in, heck he barely does it with me and that’s only when I got very irritated with him.
We don’t know, mil may have interpreted a comment as something she shouldn’t do, so she hasn’t. She may be changing how she does things as she has Bob now.
Not that I feel that are making decisions that are good. Lots of head shaking decisions!
I remember being influenced by a boyfriend when the relationship was new.
As far as gender norms, they are hopefully changing. My daughter is a project manager. She is happy to be firm with contractors. And if they aren’t willing to accept her authority, she won’t hire them again. Don’t mess with her!
In my own family, we have a pattern of strong females, my mil for instance doesn’t listen to my husband either. Her neighbor on the other hand…. She listens to her suggestions. lol!
Hmmm since symptoms started Friday and she got Rx Monday, that’s >48 hours and may be less effective. Getting antibiotics for a flu makes little sense unless she also has bacterial infection.
Note the current flu strain going around isn’t a fabulous match for the flu shot - there was a late drift in the genes - but it should still help in keeping the infection (relatively) mild. But flu is no joke at 86.
Yes, especially if the senior has other health conditions, sometimes antibiotics are given to help avoid secondary infections. Those of us with lung conditions are often given antibiotics with ANY infection, just for that reason.