This isn’t directed at abasket. They are 86 and I know at 88, my dad’s logic is not what it used to be! (Luckily his judgement still seems to be good.)
I feel like a lot of older folks are kind of like teenagers - logic, judgement, etc.
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I saw that MIL signed the prenup. Did I miss that BOB signed it too?
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Bob did sign it.
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Yes, my dad is certainly acting like a teenager at this point.
His patient advocate said that people tend to regress in emotional age as they get older.
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My dad regressed emotionally as he got older and more confused—he got angry when confused. Mom stayed steady and calm and loving to the end. We were lucky with her.
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Our Thanksgiving meal out was meh. The food was outstanding! But, the company not so much. Everything felt stilted and awkward.
Bob is almost a non-factor in such a setting because he can’t hear. A table of five is hard. We were seated at a table that would have accommodated at least 8 if not 10, so we were very spread out. Large, loud group next to us did not help, but even after they left, he couldn’t hear much.
One thing I noticed (that is a HUGE pet peeve of mine) was how dismissive/condescending he was to the waitstaff. Never said, “thank you,” and at one point just pointed to an empty plate and waved his hand in a, “be gone with this,” motion. Not, “Would you please mind clearing this?” Not a fan.
I think the overall sentiment is that we feel like we are just never going to feel comfortable around him 
I initiated their joining us for Thanksgiving. I will not do that for Christmas - mil can bring it up. They were actually late arriving at the restaurant, because his son and his second wife had dropped by. They were meeting the first wife (the mom) and her husband for the Thanksgiving meal at the CCRC. Remember, wives #1 (the mother of their two children) and #4 whom he divorced in June BOTH live at the CCRC. So, they had stopped by Bob and mil’s before meeting the mom for lunch. Maybe Bob and mil will spend Christmas with the son. I know the daughter who lives in GA was not coming for TG or Christmas.
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I just feel bad about this – that the family’s dislike of Bob is extending to not wanting to invite MIL (and her new husband) to Christmas, etc. He is hard of hearing (which he can’t help) and treats waitstaff poorly (which is not nice but is probably partially due to his age and the times in which he was raised – and it’s not a crime, it’s just not how you would behave).
He’s not your “people”, but in dismissing him because of things like this, you run the risk of helping to isolate your mil – which I thought was something you were worried about.
We all have family members who aren’t our peeps. I am hoping that you and yours can look past some of this so that your mil knows you are still on her side.
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Sorry it didn’t go better. Perhaps there will be a holiday where Bob wants to do dinner at CCRC with kids and their mother… let your MIL hang with her clan.
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I don’t excuse treating the waitstaff poorly due to age and times he lived in. My parents would be in their early 90’s now ( they have been gone since 2017 and 2019) and they never treated people that way. It’s rude and there is no excuse for that. FWIW , my mom was also hard of hearing. My in laws did not behave like that either ( both hard of hearing).
I think Bob is just a *******. I would not go out of my way to be around him. I would make an effort to spend time with MIL without him if possible.
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I agree 
. There are many, many so very kind elderly people. In fact we might say that elderly people might have better manners than people of today! If someone acts that way, that is a choice and perhaps a personality trait. Regardless, it’s negative.
I think it’s ok for @Hoggirl and her family to have some “grieving” time over what it life moving forward with the MIL and life for MIL. Many of us certainly might feel that way about our own family member - like one of our children - if they choose a partner that is not what we hoped so to speak.
You might think that Bob would be trying especially hard to fit in, be liked, be a part of MIL’s family. @Hoggirl and her family have tried to do that with Bob over the last several months on different occasions. But that doesn’t seem to be in Bob’s nature either.
He is what he is. And it’s ok to feel dismayed to a degree.
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I agree.
Just because somebody reaches a certain milestone age doesn’t give them the right to be rude, especially to people working in the service industry.
My spouse’s grandma never spoke to wait staff that way. She was an amazing lady, always kind, always asked with a “please.”
Bob was rude.
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The elders I respected were always VERY polite to waitstaff and other service personnel. It’s “you catch more flies with honey,” plus they were genuinely nice people. I’m sorry the Bob does not treat waitstaff kindly and always feel it reflects poorly on the person who is unkind.
I hope you and your loved ones are able to maintain a good relationship with MIL.
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I have 100% hearing in one ear, and ZERO percent hearing in the other. Since I no longer have stereo hearing, I have trouble pulling voices out of crowds and therefore have a very hard time hearing in noisy restaurants.
That said, I think I am nice to the wait staff. It has nothing to do with one’s hearing.
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I agree he’s rude. I agree that’s not the way most (hopefuly none) of us would behave. I agree there are many kind elderly people.
I just don’t think it’s so egregious that it’s worth running the risk of further isolating mil.
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Many people I know have poor or limited hearing, including my spouse. All are nice to waitstaff. My folks, especially mom have always been very nice to waitstaff and always get great service.
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I don’t know if you have hearing aids, but mine have a special “restaurant” setting to help isolate nearby voices from the surrounding hub-bub, in case something like that might help.
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I believe @Hoggirl said she was going to let MIL take the lead on the next holiday…because @Hoggirl and husband did the inviting for Thanksgiving. I think that is very reasonable.
And @hoggirl can still reach out to her MIL for lunch or shopping outings. And she can encourage her DH to see his mother also. None of that is isolating.
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@MMRose - I personally do feel that how people treat others, especially in service jobs to be indicative of a persons character. And there have been other things here which convince me that he is not a particularly nice person.
Your opinion may differ.
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I agree with you. He is not a nice person and he is rude – and this may be indicative of how he is/will treat MIL.
But I don’t think that his behavior is so awful that it’s worth going “low contact” with an elderly relative who is at risk of being isolated. In fact, I think because he is rude and not nice, it is all the more reason to increase time with her/them so as to keep an eye on things. If he was totally peachy and treated her amazingly, then it would be a lot easier to “trust the process”.
But I’ve said this already, so I will close with just hoping this all works out and I won’t plan on re-entering the discussion on this point.
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You’re right – I was maybe reading too much into this. I just personally don’t expect people in their 80’s to take the initiative for hosting family gatherings when the next generation is nearby. But I can definitely see how I could be incorrect about this.