I really don’t think there is any underlying issues that Bob is nefarious because there’s no room for the car.
I think he’s 86, he’s tired, he doesn’t want to get rid of his stuff because that means work.
If mil wants to put up with this, then that’s her choice. She’s going to have to make choices if her house sells but at some point, she needs to figure it out. And if that means having an estate sale and not having her stuff at the CCRC, then that’s the answer.
It doesn’t sound like her kids are willing at this point to enable this behavior that the “newlyweds” are delaying making decisions because they are acting like 14 years olds.
What was the saying, when you over preform, it encourages others to underperform? Bob and mil are underperforming, I guess that it’s good that her kids aren’t making it easier for them.
Good report from sil this morning. She said much was accomplished and mil told Bob he needed to get off his behind and clean out the garage at the CCRC. Everything except mil’s clothes and lower kitchen cabinets was gone through - mil will have to do those herself. Dh got through all of mil’s paperwork and shredded tons.
Sil negotiated the table for herself and a barrister bookcase mil planned on taking to the CCRC for nephew. Sil ended up with the ring. The monkey prints are coming back with dh and mil on this trip as in the china. Mil had to forego the second large suitcase. Dh had her put clothes in garbage bags so they could be squished in among other things. My dh is an excellent car packer!
I hope they all feel like they accomplished this as a team - and I hope Bob gets a movin though it doesn’t sound like clothes and china will take too much room !
Some people regress as they age - their logic goes a bit, the reasoning, their cognitive abilities, etc. We’ve all read (on this thread and other places in life) that they can act like teenagers in love. And I think that is about where their brains are. MIL is in luuv. She is giddy and happy and not thinking much past that point.
I get that SIL is hurt and after reading 1862 posts over these past months, I don’t recall if SIL actually spoke rationally and lovingly to her mom about it.
I get her concerns, her worry, and her frustration. But as our parents age, often the role reversal process happens and you gotta cut them some slack - sometimes their thought process and actions just don’t make sense.
If SIL stayed in that town for her mom, that decision was on her.
I don’t like Bob, but I hope I would be there for my mom because I would still want her in my life, I would want to keep an eye out on her, and I would want to be there for her when she needed something. And…I would want her to be happy. Maybe Bob’s not for me, but hopefully he is for SIL’s mom/hoggirl’s MIL.
Treat the situation like you would with your kids - you may not like the partner they chose but slap a smile on your face and be kind to that partner, otherwise you may lose your kid.
Excellent! (I had a laugh thinking about “teen regression” topic since I was one of those college kids who packed clothing in garbage bags - it was more efficient for travel, and there was no need to store luggage in dorm room.)
@Hoggirl , I’m sure we visited this thought before but I don’t remember…would SIL ever consider a move to your town? To be closer to her mom (and you and H).
Sounds like a win all around! And I think it’s poignant that MIL wants her china. I know so many women at that age who used to do the whole china/crystal/flatware thing when they entertained who get to the point where they are using paper plates exclusively. It’s a great decision if it means they are still engaging with people, having a fun brunch or evening. But it’s sad if it means they’ve just given up and would rather reheat a frozen meal and throw everything out at the end of it.
Your MIL sounds like she’s got a lot of life left in her!!!
No, I don’t think so. She has never lived in this area of the state. She is very involved in volunteering in her town, has several friends there or close by, and her son is about to move from his town (only 30 minutes away) to her town.
Wedding ring: I asked dh whether or not mil was wearing a wedding ring. Initially he said not that he noticed. But, later said she was mL, but it was very thin. Presumably why didn’t initially notice. I have a very standard-sized gold wedding band for the late 80s/early 90s that I wear next to my engagement ring. He said her band was about 1/3 of the width of mine - which would be quite thin.
Mil said they wanted simple BUT also said Bob had a pendant made for her out of a ring of a former wife??? I am kind of assuming the ring of the wife who died, but idk???
Mil is not much of a wearer of anything other than costume jewelry. I will for sure be looking for this, “new,” bauble when we go over there for dinner a week from tomorrow.
Totally agree on the earlier marriage jewelry. I suggested my DIL could have the parts or a the whole of the ring my ex gave me, and she had zero interest.
I know you don’t get much value on trading in, but this pendant was apparently made at the same jewelry store where they bought their wedding bands. So, trade whatever it was in and put it toward the next ring that’s a little, “ick,” too, but better. At least I think so!
It makes me wonder if Bob asked if she wanted this or just decided it was a good idea??
It does make me question Bob’s taste and sensibilities ever more. Sadly, we’d love something that makes us care about Bob and make us think he cares about MIL other than as purse and current crush.
It may be that they are both feeling like it was the right economical choice, but I think I would just say, “I just choose something that costs less $$!” Their game to play of course….. but it feels like SO LITTLE in this relationship is from or for MIL. His furniture, his place, his trip he planned, his garage full of stuff, etc….
Oh. My. Gosh. That’s so tacky. And…I can’t quite figure out how to say it…comes across almost as a little, maybe, disrespectful? Disrespectful to the former wife + disrespectful to the new one. Makes it seem like MIL just happens to be the new flavor of the month.
Sounds like they are probably past the point of being able to fully avail themselves of this service, but Caring Transitions (if you have one near you), can put your furniture in a CAD unit at your CCRC so you can visualize and then figure out what to bring and leave behind (which would facilitate that discussion with Bob), they can organize the move, they can do an auction of everything of any value, and they can dispose of everything that’s left. Yes, you’ll probably have a few more dollars in your pocket if you do it yourself, but they are also plugged in to second-hand booksellers and folks who will give you better prices than Replacements. And they make it easy bc they have done it all a million times. It takes a lot of energy (physical and emotional) to go through a whole household of stuff, and sometimes it’s easier to pay someone to run the process for you.
Will also add that the quality of Caring Transitions varies by locale as it is so much about the people doing the work.
I just looked - there is a franchise in one of our areas but not in the other. It lists areas served. The destination (the CCRC) isn’t in the areas served. Are they for more local moves?
His furniture, his place, his trip he planned, his garage full of stuff, etc….