<p>You made a big assumption. I fully understand why a man’s toys and hobbies are very important to him. Believe me I have a husband who has certain toys and hobbies and I get why he likes them and that they are important to him. For some men, these are the most important thing of all to them and their top priority.</p>
<p>That really isn’t the issue. The issue is one, if the couple can afford to spend X dollars on a pleasurable toy or hobby that is very important to one spouse for the use of one spouse or not, and if there is some semblance that money is used equitably and not just for one spouse’s interests. There are lots of things I want too in terms of possessions or expensive experiences but I don’t get to do them as I know we do not have the money for that purpose and just for myself. I don’t put myself above the needs of the family. This has nothing to do with understanding why sports cars, hunting, golf clubs, motorcycles, guy vacations, expensive guitars, etc. mean a lot to some men. Believe me, there are things women would like to have or do too but may be less inclined to think they are entitled to do them without the spouse’s input and if the money wasn’t there to spend it on just one person but was needed by the couple or family.</p>
<p>I have a friend who worked a hard, dangerous job and supported his family. On the weekends he did part time jobs and used some of the money for his hobbies. </p>
<p>So if money is the issue Mr HCP might agree to put the money from his extra work towards the bike and then pay off the rest by additional jobs in the future. </p>
<p>I suspect money it not the issue. It sounds more like jeolously and control.</p>
<p>My H and I do not have a perfect marriage, we probably argue more than necessary sometimes. We came from 2 very different background and different spending habits. When we are arguing about any issue, the bottom line gets down to who is the issue more important to. It´s not as much as of who is right or wrong. The only reason it still matters is we still want to stay married. If staying married is not our desire, then to be right would be more important.</p>
<p>My H is usually very easy going, and would let me do what I want. But every once a while when he gets that look in his eyes, then I know it´s better to let it go. We can´t always understand why something is important to someone, and sometimes it is irrational, but just because we can´t necessary understand it doesn´t make it any less valid to the other person.</p>
<p>Jym, not at all. I’m saying that based on personal experience, part of the process when you’re thinking about leaving a marriage is assessing your prospects. For me that just meant some self assessment and paying more attention to my interactions with men in general. I do know some women (and men) who’ve had someone waiting in the wings, it’s hardly unusual, but that was not what I was implying.</p>
<p>It makes sense that you view it from your perspective and experience, Redroses. I am saying I hadn’t gleaned from the OP’s posts, as you had, that she already had one foot out the door and that the issue wasn’t really about the bike. We all have that tendency to project onto others what we have experienced. I’ve never been separated/divorced so I don’t have that perspective.</p>
<p>*I can only speak to my own case, but I never thought to look around and size up my prospects until I had one foot firmly out the door. *</p>
<p>I don’t think you already have to be separated to know that the members of the opposite sex find you attractive. Many men let women know that - married or not.</p>
It can also be a huge deal for many MEN, in terms of not wanting to date someone TALLER than they are. I have a couple of inches on H, which he mostly doesn’t mind, but he doesn’t really like it if I wear high heels when we go out together.</p>
<p>Have you discussed getting a nicer car instead of the bike? Maybe he assumes that nice cars are totally out of the question. If you offered to let him have $25 to upgrade his car, and you kept $25 for your own use, would that be a decent compromise?</p>
<p>I really don’t see getting divorced over this. Good heavens, think about what some couples go through due to illness, tragedy, etc. Having to bend on the bike isn’t such a big deal IMO.</p>
<p>(H’s 2 brothers both have big bikes. One drives it to work and takes his daughter for rides, one goes on rides with the Harley club that he and his wife socialize with).</p>
<p>notrichenough, I interpret this comment from the OP as her saying that construction contracting would be too risky of a second career (in her opinion) for husband.</p>
<p>I’m a kid, so I know nothing about such issues, but I’m interested in this. Do you think that that partners should be up-front with each other (before the marriage) about what these deal breakers are? Or can they change at any time?</p>
<p>I guess the reason I’m curious is that it seems like what you advocate is a permanent veto that each partner can have over anything the other partner chooses to do. It doesn’t seem like the OP specified to her husband long ago that motorcycles were unacceptable to her (though I could be mistaken about this.)</p>
<p>I think it’s been established that this is about more than a bike. It’s about respect and listening to and understanding each other in a marriage. About differering needs, about compromise, about not compromising yourself anymore.</p>
<p>I liked Oldfort’s post 204, it very much describes my marriage. Not the argueing part really, but the dynamic between H and myself. My H is usually very easy going, but every once in awhile he gets really adamant about something. To me, it may seem unimportant or irrational. But since it’s so important to him, I just shrug my shoulders and ‘smile and nod’</p>
<p>I’m a kid, so I know nothing about such issues, but I’m interested in this. Do you think that that partners should be up-front with each other (before the marriage) about what these deal breakers are? Or can they change at any time?</p>
<p>Sometimes certain issues don’t even come up before marriage because no one anticipates them. </p>
<p>I would never have thought to say to my then-fiance that if he just quits his job and becomes a coach potato that that would be a deal breaker - because that would have been so not him. </p>
<p>My h knew that I wanted kids so if he hadn’t, he knew that would have been a deal-breaker.</p>
<p>Of course, for many (including me) infidelity would be a deal breaker.</p>
<p>tetra, deal breakers do change. Here is an example, I have friend who was born and raised in the US. She married a man from another country. They met in the US and he was working in the US. They agreed to marry and live in the US forever. Well, after about 12 years of marriage, he got the itch to move back to his home country. His parents lived in that home country and he is an only child. She is also an only child with parents in the US. At that point they had 2 small children. They renegotiated things and did relocate for a number of years. Now they have moved back to the US. The spouse from the US never saw this coming as she thought it had been worked out. Similar sitations like this one can also arise due to new job offers. Also, if one looks back at the post by jym, one can see how other deal breakers can arise (if one spouse becomes addicted to gambling, alcohol, or drugs), one partner cheats on the other, and so on. Even looking at what this OP posted, one can see how different views about life, money, saving vs. spending, who works and who stays home, etc. can create deal breakers.</p>
<p>Bottom line is with such a high divorce rate in this country, there are many people that experience deal breakers, and many who do not know how to resolve conflicts well.</p>
<p>tetrahedron-
If there are strongly held convictions that are important that partners agree upon, this should, IMO, be addressed in a relationship before it becomes serious. This might include religious convictions, decisions about wanting kids, etc. It is a bad idea, IMO, to go into a relationship/marriage thinking you can “change” the other person. If there are some things that a person is not flexible on, this is important to address.</p>
<p>My H’s “midlife crisis” toy was a convertible. Yes, we needed another car, and we found one that met all needs ( reasonably priced, had a back seat for the occasional times we needed to fit 3-4 ppl in it) and good safety/reliability. Unfortunately it spun out on a patch of ice. He was ok-- the car was not. He is currently driving younger s’s car while s is in school. And the car had depreciated more than we’d expected. Didn’t get as much for it as we’d have liked, so will think carefully about the next vehicle. That said-- he loved his little convertible. Maybe this would be a better compromise-- something the OP and her H can share together?</p>
<p>I agree with martina- this is about mutual respect and understanding both partner’s feelings. OP said DH has had a history of impulsive and at times reckless spending. She did a good job getting him to delay gratification and wait for the proper time to buy the real estate investment, and it worked out. She sounds like she has a good fiscal head on her shoulders, and DH needs to grow up a bit. JMO</p>
<p>…and to take another point of view, DH feels that he has done enough extra side jobs to contribute to their nest egg, he is not getting any younger, he wants to enjoy the fruits of some of his labor because he can’t take it with him when he dies (we are all wishing him a good long long life btw), he may feel that in another decade or so he won’t be able to sit on a bike comfortably, he was a responsible father and husband for years and now he’d like to reward himself knowing that nobody is going to suffer/starve if he spends a few thousand on a dream that he has had for years.</p>
<p>That is her side of the story. I’d expect another take from the other side. Many issues are rarely what one person claims them to be nor are all the facts. Also hindsight is remarkably 20-20.</p>
<p>OP said that this was a new whim, not something he’d longed for for years. Sounds like an impulsive “wanna have/gotta have” purchase, not something he’s been saving up for for years. I vote for a convertible :)</p>
<p>Like I tell my wife everything I am thinking about wanting over the next 20 years. No man is that dumb. Why ask for an argument now over something way down the road.</p>