<p>
Why, because he might not make as much money?</p>
<p>He is not a slave. He is entitled to pursue whatever career makes him happy. Money isn’t everything.</p>
<p>The “obligations” are self-imposed, and largely seem to be in the future - private grade school and future college. Maybe she needs to re-evaluate her priorities. If it means public school or the state flagship instead of a pricey private school - is that an unreasonable trade-off if it lets them be happier?</p>
<p>*That is her side of the story. I’d expect another take from the other side. Many issues are rarely what one person claims them to be nor are all the facts. Also hindsight is remarkably 20-20. *</p>
<p>Oh…I can imagine what he’d say…My wife is a nut about saving. She worries too much. She’s too thrifty…blah blah blah…</p>
<p>(Of course he would be conveniently ignoring that they’re living in the more expensive home that he wanted and that they have children to put thru college.)</p>
<p>I thought I gave a decent POV of the other side in post #217.</p>
<p>*Why, because he might not make as much money?</p>
<p>He is not a slave. He is entitled to pursue whatever career makes him happy. Money isn’t everything.*</p>
<p>He’s not entitled to go to a lower-paying career while still spending as if he’s earning the old salary. That is probably the concern.</p>
<p>
or maybe you prefer to redirect your arguing here on cc? ;)</p>
<p>
So the words you would put in the husband’s mouth are “blah blah blah”?</p>
<p>That’s pretty dismissive and disrespectful. Not to mention obnoxious.</p>
<p>But I guess since you’ve already made up your mind about this, it is ok to denigrate.</p>
<p>When you and your husband have a disagreement, is that what you hear coming out of his mouth, too?</p>
<p>Sometimes people change their minds/ways, so all “dealbreakers” are written in stone. When they married, two friends were in agreement that they did not want to have kids; after quite a few years, the wife changed her mind and wanted to have a child. (They are now divorced and both are childless and she is well past child-bearing age.) When another friend married, neither she nor her husband wanted to have kids; after 12 years, they changed their minds, and now (at age 52 for her; age 62 for him) they have three children in elementary school.</p>
<p>Oops! I meant to say “all dealbreakers AREN’T written in stone.”</p>
<p>And I agree with you, notrichenough.</p>
<p>When I married, I did not sign over all my career and leisure time choices to my husband. He has supported me in my (relatively few) wild hare ideas; and likewise I have supported him. As someone else posted earlier, we are partners who are committed to each other’s happiness and our family’s well-being.</p>
<p>That being said, I firmly believe that you have to have some fun along life’s journey (although that doesn’t mean you can blow every cent you have). It’s the same as taking a family trip somewhere; if you’re miserable the whole time you’re traveling there together, the odds are not good that you are going to really have fun together once you get there. Festering resentments truly can poison and kill a marriage. And OP, I can guarantee that even if you think you should get credit for the growth of your family’s nest egg, your H will get half of it to use as he chooses if you decide to divorce.</p>
<p>wow, notrichenough, that was a bit strong. Ouch.</p>
<p><<<< having visions of the peanuts cartoon character “speaking” with that muted trumpet “waa waa waa” sound >>></p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I describe my husband as saying “blah blah blah”. It’s a joke. He talks a lot, that is what it refers to.</p>
<p>“or maybe you prefer to redirect your arguing here on cc?”</p>
<p>I have been a debater since I learned to talk. When I was still a kid my mother called me the hair-splitter because I would argue pretty much anything with her. She expected me to be a lawyer. My dad did not speak so I rarely argued with him.</p>
<p>But I do save most debating for these and the sports boards and keep it limited at home. Plus we agree pretty much anyway. I’d say are biggest potential disagreeemnt is where to live in retirement.I like Virginia and she is less convinced. We may just rent here and there for a few years. That could be fun too. Or we might just end up living in an RV and hitting several places a year.</p>
<p>On one hand, I empathize with the OP’s financial conservatism and desire for security. I’ve always been frugal and pretty risk-adverse. On the other hand, I’ve experienced the death of several friends and relatives who always postponed fun activities or highly desired purchases out of a sense of obligation to others or guilt over spending on themselves. Dh and I are trying to reach a happier medium ourselves. We spent over three decades being prudent, doing for others and denying ourselves. Now we both have medical problems that make some of our dreams unlikely to ever be realized. On top of that, we suffered a huge loss on the sale of our last house (it was a case of had to) and dh’s deferred compensation is now worth about 15% of what it was a few years ago. We’re trying to be more realistic in assessing what we truly need for retirement and to then give ourselves permission to splurge a bit. If there was something that my dh had his heart set on, I’d encourage him to buy it as long as our needs were covered. But I’d only be looking at our own needs, and not at the possibility of helping our adult children (even more than we have) or supporting siblings. We’ve done that, perhaps too much, and it’s past time for us to enjoy some of the fruits of our labors.</p>
<p>In the OP’s case, part of the financial worry is due to expecting to have to care for her sister. I’m wondering why her parents have not made provisions for their daughter’s care instead of relying on the OP to take on their obligation. Couldn’t they have bought life insurance on both of them to cover anticipated expenses for their daughter? It’s enough to shoulder the burden, even for a loved one, of providing physical care (with or without home care nurses) but to expect their daughter and son-in-law to help pay for her needs, possibly for decades, doesn’t seem right to me.</p>
<p>Others have already made the suggestions, but I’ll add my $.02 that marriage counseling and meeting with a financial planner are absolutely necessary if the OP’s marriage is to not just survive but to be worth sustaining. I’d make getting dh’s agreement to attend both, with an open mind, my hill to die on.</p>
<p>Many of these posts don’t seem like a debate, barrons, they seem like unnecessarily confrontational inflammatory arguments. JMO</p>
<p>Silpat,
Sorry to hear that health and economy have been unkind to you and your family. But that said, having been careful with your funds and savings, you are able to weather the financial blow to your dh’s deferred compensation. To me the happy medium is enjoying life, hobbies, vacations, etc within one’s budget and with sensitivity to the feelings/needs of ones family members. That dear BIL that I mention oh so frequently spends like a fiend on stuff he feels he simply cannot live without, and has not made adequate plans for the future from a financial standpoint. So he is doing the reverse of what you have done-- ie giving in constantly to the pleasures he feels he wants/needs with little thought to the fact that he has not put away savings for the future. If he cannot provide for himself or his family, that should not be my problem or my burden, and there have been many, many threads on cc about moocher relatives.</p>
<p>As for the disabled dau-- we dont know when she was disabled (birth complication, injury, etc) so we don’t know if there is some big insurance/litigation settlement to take care of her from an accident or if this was congenital and therefor, unfortunately, she may be uninsurable so parents would have had a tough time finding any kind of long term insurance plan to take her on. We are also assuming it is a physical disability. Surely they purchased life insurance on themselves, but who knows if it is term insurance, universal or whole life, so dk how much the policies will be worth, or if they have a term date.</p>
<p>Like you, we tend to be the pig in the 3 little pigs who built his house out of bricks. </p>
<p>Agree that help with communication and financial management is imperative.</p>
<p>Speaking of “blah, blah, blah, . . .”<br>
That is what a lot of men hear when their wives complain about or argue against something. Especially after 20+ years. Especially if you (like me) tend to be cautious about money, taking risks, etc. and have lots of opportunities disagree with your more impulsive or spendthrift spouse. </p>
<p>OP–I suggest you write your H a note. That might help him “hear” how serious you are about this.</p>
<p>btw my dealbreaker is a beard. If he grows one, I’ll divorce him. Infidelity? Not so sure.</p>
<p>Rush “Color of Right”</p>
<p>I don’t have an explanation
For another lonely night
I just feel this sense of mission
And the sense of what is right</p>
<p>Take it easy on me now
I’d be there if I could
I’m so full of what is right
I can’t see what is good</p>
<p>It’s a hopeless situation
Lie awake for half the night
You’re not sure what’s going on here
But you’re sure it isn’t right</p>
<p>Make it easy on yourself
There’s nothing more you can do
You’re so full of what is right
You can’t see what is true</p>
<p>A quality of justice
A quantity of light
A particle of mercy
Makes the color of right</p>
<p>Gravity and distance
Change the passage of light
Gravity and distance
Change the color of right</p>
<p>^^^^^I think these lyrics sum up why H and I never argue to the point of who is right.</p>
<p>Atomom. Interesting that a beard would be a dealbreaker! My husband has had a beard for the entire time I have know him(about 35 years). It is quite handsome on him although neither of our sons seem interested in growing a beard. Can’t imagine husband without a beard.</p>
<p>**MISQUOTE of my words: **<br>
I can imagine what he’d say…blah blah blah…
So the words you would put in the husband’s mouth are “blah blah blah”?</p>
<p>**Notrichenough quote: **<br>
That’s pretty dismissive and disrespectful. Not to mention obnoxious.</p>
<p>But I guess since you’ve already made up your mind about this, it is ok to denigrate.</p>
<p>When you and your husband have a disagreement, is that what you hear coming out of his mouth, too? </p>
<p>**My response: **</p>
<p>It’s very **dishonest **of you to chop up my quote to make it look like I wrote something different. The blah, blah, blah was at the end of a list and therefore was shorthand way of saying, “that’s why I should be able to buy this Harley and she should get over it and not be so cheap.”</p>
<p>You ought to be ashamed of yourself for being so misleading…not to mention obnoxious. </p>
<p>Here is my actual quote …</p>
<p>*Oh…I can imagine what he’d say…My wife is a nut about saving. She worries too much. She’s too thrifty…blah blah blah…</p>
<p>(Of course he would be conveniently ignoring that they’re living in the more expensive home that he wanted and that they have children to put thru college.) *</p>
<p>Wow, sixteen pages. Would someone please wake me when the thread hits twenty?</p>
<p>Eleven years ago, I would have said “no way, not no how” when my husband said he wanted a motorcycle. I would have kicked and screamed and tossed a fit and put my foot down and said “me or the bike.”</p>
<p>Eleven years ago, my husband was diagnosed–at age 41–with non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Stage 4. Prognosis then was 4 to 7 years. Things like arguing about a motorcycle became a whole lot less important. Five years ago, he got his motorcycle. He took lessons. So did the kids. He got them motorcycles too. (They’ve since been sold, as the kids didn’t like it as much as he’d hoped.) </p>
<p>I look at what HotChiliPepper wrote and all I can think is that she’s deeply unhappy. She worries a lot and seems to have little in her life that gives her pleasure.</p>
<p>Her husband, OTOH, seems to enjoy himself a lot. </p>
<p>How much of her anger and resentment is because he’s happy and she’s not?</p>