<p>But maybe he’s happy b/c he spends frivolously and she is unhappy b/c she is the one managing the funds…</p>
<p>btw-- I just chatted with a cc’er who hadn’t seen this thread. She asked what it was about-- I gave a cliff notes version. When I mentioned the “feel the wind” line (paraphrasing-- don’t recall the specific line), she said, and I quote: “Oh for the love of God…feel the wind? Sit in front of a fan. LOTS cheaper than a harley”. LOL</p>
<p>excellent post dmd77</p>
<p>I gotta go with northeastmom in #217 – the husband is thinking he’s worked hard and deserves something fun. Even though the wife feels she has worked harder than the husband, it doesn’t mean the husband hasn’t worked hard. The wife would probably never spend anywhere close to $25,000 on something for herself because that’s the way she is (not a bad thing) so there will never be any catching up for her. And now there’s so much anger in the relationship that the wife can never just enjoy the husband’s enjoyment. My husband left today for a golf trip in Ireland with 19 other guys. The trip cost about 1/2 a semester of my oldest son’s tuition (how I measure everything these days). He goes on a big trip like that every other year and I’m not even going to add up how much he’s spent on those trips. I’m very excited for him. He’s going to have a great time, he works hard and he deserves it. I get to do fun stuff too but I would never spend that much on a trip, but it just doesn’t matter.</p>
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<p>That’s one way of looking at it. Or, it could be that she has made more of the financial and personal sacrifices because she cares more and is more conservative by nature.</p>
<p>HCP, maybe you both need to consult with an accountant who can figure out all the work hours that you and your H put in and create fair discretionary accounts for the two of you. This would take into account your bonus, hours spent with the kids so spouse can work/play, even the extra stress of an unpleasant job, etc. – and put a $ value on it. That way there is a sense of fairness and accountability, not to mention autonomy.</p>
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Excellent point! I can say in my marriage, that’s often been the problem. It took me years to forgive him and to allow myself to be openly envious. For us, it’s worked out well for me to say “I am feeling really envious of the fact that you had seven weeks off this summer and I had two days.” Hubby is a very understanding guy and he responds to straight-up honesty even if it’s not pretty. His answer to that was to acknowledge that my feelings were reasonable, to express his frustration that the situation couldn’t be changed, and ask if there was anything he could do to help – even if he couldn’t fix the situation. My answer after a lot of thought was that he should do some of the bigger household chores this summer that had been neglected, to take responsibility for supervising my son’s practice on one of his instruments, and to pick me up at the express bus whenever possible to shorten my commute. He has been gracious about all of it and I feel heard and respected. I have this weird need (I know this is weird) for him to not ***** and complain about aspects of his life that are better than mine. For example, it drives me insane when he complains about getting to work or picking up our son when he’s sick at school. He commutes five minutes and could walk. He passes the school on the way to work. I commute at least 1 1/2 hours each way (and often much more) and do not have the option of picking up the child. So my husband understands that as much as it can annoy him to have to deal with a sick kid, it’s much more of a bigger deal to me that I can’t. So he doesn’t do it. I guess my point is that maybe the OP should think if there is anything her husband could do to meet her half way, whether he would meet her half way, and if on balance letting him do his thing would be better or worse than going to war.</p>
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<p>That’s the way it is with my husband and myself. When he has discretionary money he doesn’t spend it, ever. It gets added to his personal account that contains all the discretionary money he has ever received, (that would be gift money). We could have all the money in the world and he still wouldn’t spend any of it.</p>
<p>I know that the OP probably has worked harder than her husband and doesn’t spend as much as he does. But he never asked her to do this, so there isn’t much point in being mad at him for choices that she made.</p>
<p>Thanks to the OP for bringing up this type of conflict. This is something I can relate to and I really appreciate the responses that look at the problem from a few angles I had not considered.</p>
<p>I think the lesson learned here is that if your wife won’t allow you to spend the money you make working instead of fishing, you might as well go fishing instead! </p>
<p>Seriously folks, turn the tables the other way. Working Mom makes items to sell at Christmas bazaar. She spends the fall making items in her free time, sells them, and nets $1000. She wants to buy a nice necklace or set of fancy earrings. They’re absolutely useless but she likes them and she thinks she earned it.</p>
<p>Husband says he is opposed, they need to save for retirement and therefore all of the bazaar money goes into their retirement account. He points out that she used the family car to drive the things to the bazaar (which has a cost), she used the family sewing machine, and he had to babysit the kids while she sewed and that she wasn’t getting her full set of chores done. </p>
<p>Sound fair? Absolutely not…the extra money she made by spending free time sewing and selling things rather than watching tv is her money to spend.</p>
<p>(Edit: Fathers don’t “babysit” kids but I put it in there to make it the dude sound like a rather crass husband.)</p>
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As opposed to educate the kids? Sharing something with his wife?</p>
<p>I’m so glad that my husband shares my priorities. He does work a second job, by his own choice, for the sole purpose of paying our kids’ college tuition. I work a lot of overtime for the same reason. It’s good to have the same priorities.</p>
<p>Whenever I make extra money, I don’t think of it as for myself. It is money for us and for whatever is needed. If there were extra money beyond what the family or couple needs, then I’d hope that each of us got to do some things we wanted to do.</p>
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I totally agree. I think of time as the currency for enjoyment and money as the currency to provide for needs. If I were going to splurge on something, it would be a day off with my husband or spending time with him in some way. I can’t imagine an object on which I would even desire to spend $25,000</p>
<p>The amount matters. Depending on the family budget, a few hundred dollars may not matter and can be disposed of without a mutual agreement. $25K is a lot of money for many falilies as is in OP’s family. That kind of money should be spent with mutual understanding.</p>
<p>At some point we need a thread to weigh the pros and cons of saving for the future (college, retirement, caring for a disabled relative) vs. spending freely today because you may get hit by a truck tomorrow.</p>
<p>While this touches on the OP’s issues, I think that there are other things going on in her situation.</p>
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<p>And I think that’s a great point. In my family, I consider our day jobs as the money that we use for necessities and to save for future needs like the one you listed. The extra money from outside gigs is the money we have to spend freely because we may get hit by a truck tomorrow.</p>
<p>If a person uses vacation time to do a second job, he or she is really going above and beyond what is normal and typical. He or she is entitled to use at least some of that money on himself or herself (assuming the family financial obligations are being taken care of by the regular jobs).</p>
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<p>I can name a few that you’d spend $25,000 on…a house, a car, and a baby (raising it, not buying it on the black market) to name three.</p>
<p>I didn’t mean a necessity like a home because I think we’ve got to live somewhere! and I have to tell you, that babies cost a lot more than $25,000, which is why I wouldn’t want an extravagant obect.</p>
<p>*I look at what HotChiliPepper wrote and all I can think is that she’s deeply unhappy. She worries a lot and seems to have little in her life that gives her pleasure.</p>
<p>Her husband, OTOH, seems to enjoy himself a lot.</p>
<p>How much of her anger and resentment is because he’s happy and she’s not? *</p>
<p>Well of course! But, that’s missing the point. A CHILD is always happy when he doesn’t have to worry about money and enjoys the finer things in life. </p>
<p>And I would guess that another reason the H is happy because deep down he knows that he doesn’t have to worry about money because he knows his wife will prevent things from getting out of hand. So, he gets to act like a silly child.</p>
<p>HotChiliPepper is not happy because she always has to be the “responsible adult” putting the brakes on crazy spending. No wonder she worries. </p>
<p>I still think they both need to figure out some MOMO money (money of my own) that each can spend (or save for a bigger purchase) without the other’s permission.</p>
<p>HotChiliPepper, would the Harley bother you as much if your husband decided to save up for it over a period of time and you were aware of his plan?</p>
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<p>Great thought … I’m pretty much a geek so I’ve thought this through pretty deeply. Mom3togo and I have 9 major financial goals
<p>When we first got together we saved about 1/3rd of our income towards these goals with a minimal spent on “have fun now” bucket. Eventually I created a spreadsheet tracking our cash flow until we’re 100. The spreadsheet showed me we were doing a great job working towards these goals and would be fine at retirement and would probably even be able to switch to more fulfilling jobs (which pay less) near retirement if we want to. It also showed that we were “over saving”; that we were be frugal now when the kids are home and that when they are gone we will have more than enough bucks to live on. Essentially I figured out a level of “fun” that was sustainable through our lives … part of my “mid-life crisis” was getting much more focussed on having fun with our kids. For me this was a real epithany … for Mom3togo not so much. For me I was saving to achieve our goals … for Mom3togo she saves because she has to … so we have the same struggle has the OP to some degree.</p>
<p>PS - For many middle class and upper middle class families I do not always buy the CC convential wisdom about never spending or delaying retirement savings to pay for college … for a lot of these families I bet their cash flow will look pretty good by the time they are 60 or so and they will actually end up overfunding their retirement account … for families in this situation they may well have more slack when they are 45-60 then they believe for fun or for paying for college.</p>
<p>I think Hotchilipepper should buy herself a horse.</p>