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[QUOTE=babyontheway]
Working Mom makes items to sell at Christmas bazaar. She spends the fall making items in her free time, sells them, and nets $1000. She wants to buy a nice necklace or set of fancy earrings. They’re absolutely useless but she likes them and she thinks she earned it.[\QUOTE]</p>
<p>BOTW - I’m curious, you used the term Working Mom. What if she wasn’t a working mom. What if she were a stay-at-home-mom making and selling some little items? What say you?</p>
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<p>It doesn’t make any difference except a SAHM’s only income would be from the bazaars and that wasn’t the hypothetical situation I was trying to create. </p>
<p>I doubt that a SAHM would give the bazaar proceeds to her husband so he could go buy a new elk bugle or scope for his hunting rifle. I think she’d want to keep it for Christmas gifts for friends, something extra for the kids, or jewelry for herself. </p>
<p>It’s really the exact opposite of the OPs situation. She wants him to use his earnings from taking on the home remodeling project and give her the money for her to use as she feels fit. Since she feels she is thrifty and saves the money, she considers it reasonable. The husband sees that the money disappears because he can’t use it for anything. If he doesn’t get any (usable) money from his efforts, he is essentially working for free which really defeats the purpose of working. </p>
<p>Financially speaking, the OP is correct - save the money for a rainy day. From a personal standpoint, we all want to enjoy the fruits of our labor. The OP really needs to let the husband benefit from the energy he is putting into the remodeling project if she really wants him to run the project. It’s hard work and he deserves some benefit from it.</p>
<p>At my workplace we have a lot of overtime opportunity but a lot of married guys don’t want to work the weekend. Is it possible that their wives don’t let them use the money they earn, so they don’t see the purpose of working on Sunday instead of watching the football game? Very possible.</p>
<p>OP has stated that her husband has spent more than necessary for years. I really don’t get the sense that he’s suffering.</p>
<p>The bottom line seems to be respect and empathy for a spouse’s position. OP has gone along with her husband spending when she would like to save, but the $25k is just too much. It’s an unhappy place to be in a marriage, and this is why it’s bothering OP so much. As others have said, they need perspective from an outside party here… a financial counselor to resolve the money issues and a marriage counselor to resolve the partnership issues.</p>
<p>Over our nearly 30 year marriage, DH is closer to the grasshopper and I am closer to the ant. Our general income pays the bills and we live carefully, but in good years we can make a substantial bonus.</p>
<p>At first I wanted all of that squirreled away for the future, but after Oct 1987 and the recession of the early 90s, I realised the money could disappear from those investment values quite easily, too.</p>
<p>I think that the priority we have made education was a product of those investment losses, I can put it in the market or I can invest in my kids and no one can take their education away from them.</p>
<p>In that same vein, I also realised I needed to lighten up a bit and we began a save one, spend one for our bonuses. (before those tuition austerity years!) We did not get bonus every year, but had a great run in the 90s and both enjoyed some toys and some investments.</p>
<p>But I always feel we could/should save more for retirement!</p>
<p>If we had thought to set up a MOMO account 20-20 years ago, I suspect mine would still have a good deal of the money in it and that would feel good to me. I would spend it on something important enough and I would enjoy having it there. He would use his more frequently.</p>
<p>I am also dealing with the fun vs savings in that we had a cancer scare this year and there is a bit of the “better do it whilst you can” attitude around here! Plus my Dad died and he never spent money on anything, but that did not help him, he should have had a bit more fun and I plan to have a bit more fun myself between those two big events this year.</p>
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<p>The husband sees that the money disappears because he can’t use it for anything.</p>
<p>I had to quote this twice because I couldn’t believe what I was reading. So, helping to pay for childrens’ schools, saving for real estate investments, retirement, etc. doesn’t count? He is not working “for free”. He is working to help support his family, which is what grown-ups do.</p>
<p>Anyway, OP – whatever you decide to do, you are clearly the clear thinker of the family and you will probably end up fine. Your husband, on the other hand… He sounds a bit like a child. I would bet cash money that if he knew how close you are to throwing in the towel, he would change his tune pretty quickly. In his heart of hearts, he probably realizes that it’s your common sense and know-how that has saved his ass. People like him need a straight man (or woman).</p>
<p>So many long term issues. Even with good incomes, money is so often at root of problem. OP has acquiesced so often, husband probably surprised she’s stomping her feet at this point of time.</p>
<p>On practical side, I’d let hubby keep any money he earns rehabbing the house. If he adds to value of house, then he should be given a portion of the proceeds. If he receives $20,000 from both, gives him some cash to buy a used bike. Wife should earmark her share in private account. Someday she may want to shift jobs, or know she has a fund for her sister. Perhaps she could add to husband’s life insurance policy, if he is a new fan of bikes.</p>
<p>The men I know who love bikes and/or boats have had them all their adult lives. When the yen starts later in life, I’d be encouraging them to buy used or lease or rent.</p>
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Well, she might if it were a gift she wanted to buy him. But the reason I asked is that as before xaniakids came along I had worked or gone to school since I was 18. I worked hard to get a professional career, which I gave up after the kids. After XS and XD, I have worked mostly part time, and sometimes I am pretty much unemployed. Even when I work I make far less than xaniadad. Some years my gross doesn’t even cover our income tax :(. Since H is the one who earns the major amount of the money, it’s hard for me to see it as “mine”. It’s ours, it pays for the family stuff, but I find it very hard to spend it on unnecessary things for myself. When I had a full salary of my own, I found it much easier. </p>
<p>Anyways, several years ago, I decided I wanted a nicer watch. Not a Rolex, but one with little diamonds around the face, a piece of jewelry. I found some I liked for $300-$400. I decided that if I could save the $ by collecting pocket change from the laundry, bypassing the candy isle and throwing some change in the jar, etc., that maybe after awhile I would save enough painlessly to feel ok with buying the watch.</p>
<p>Time went by, and change would accumulate, then kids would need bus fare, or money for a movie, or we were tired and wanted to order pizza, and I would raid the savings jar. It never managed to garner more than $60-70. After 2 years of attempting to save enough, DH (unaware of the savings/watch plan) was plying the xaniakids for ideas on birthday gifts for xaniamom, and DD mentioned the watch, so he got it for my birthday that year. I felt ok about that.</p>
<p>I guess my point is that how we feel about money can be very complicated. OP and her H have different approaches and different feelings about theirs. I really think that if she felt that SHE could improve on her situation, she would be more open to what HE wants. </p>
<p>OP - you say you are not “allowed” to change jobs unless you make the same money. What if you just calmly inform H that you are making a change, and it may involve getting paid less? What’s the worst that could happen? It’s your work life - not his.</p>
<p>ETA: Lest posters get the wrong idea, it’s not like we’re poor.</p>
<p>NewHope33 says “Wow, sixteen pages. Would someone please wake me when the thread hits twenty?”</p>
<p>Time to wake up…lol</p>
<p>Has everyone figure out this has nothing to do with the motorcycle yet? OP has a agreed to compromise for H to have a less expensive motorcycle. This is simply a power struggle between two people who have different opinons what the other deserves. You can always flip a coin. Because in the moment that coin is in the air, you know what the right choice is.</p>
<p>I’m a SAHM with an expensive hobby who has turned it into a small, not very profitable business. All the proceeds of the business, so far, have gone back into more equipment. It has never occurred to me or my husband that I use that money for our family. There is some cash available which I suppose we could use if we needed it but I just hold on to it for future purchases. I could make the business profitable if I worked a lot harder and didn’t have a penchant for collecting bigger and better stuff. I feel like I’m contributing to the family because if my business wasn’t paying for my equipment, then it would be coming out of family income although I would certainly never have gone as high-end as I have.</p>
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<p>This quote from the HPC opens a new window into the dynamics here. Perhaps what he really wants IS a motorcycle, just a junker one to try out. But he knows that what ever he says he wants will be discussed down to much less then his desire. So he has learned to ask big, so the compromise will be much closer to what he really wants. It sounds like HPC feels the need to control the funding and finds it hard to say yes to even a reasonable request without a full inquiry and examination and diminishing of desire. </p>
<p>While I understand the reluctance to spend 25K on a motorcycle, I find it sad that your husband, a man who works hard, clearly loves you, knows that he can not just ask for a beater bike. By your own admission if he had come to you with a plan to buy a used bike for $5000 he would have had to “brow beat” you into agreeing to that purchase. </p>
<p>Yes it does sound like he is manipulating you, much like an adolescent would manipulate a parent. BUT it sounds like you treat him like a child. It takes two to create a bad dynamic and there is always fault on both sides. It is always easier to see the fault on the other side, but real progress can not be made until you see the fault on your own side.</p>
<p>Am curious-- have you read this whole thread, collegeshopping? Sorry to be blunt, but your post sounds overly simplistic. Also, those who have posted recently about having earned money with their own side business are not talking about spending an exhorbitant amount of money (they are talking hundreds, not thousands) on something that is also inherently dangerous. And they haven’t described a lifetime of fiscal carelessness.</p>
<p>If the OP’s H had been fiscally responsible all their married life and had talked for years of longing for a bike, and suddenly there was an opportunity for him to realize the dream he’d been pining for, maybe I’d have a different view (though again I HATE BIKES). And maybe if the thing he wanted was $5k, not $25k, I’d have a different view. But just because he is acting like a kid who wants something he doesn’t need (and probably in the next few months there will be something new on his “gotta have-cant live without” list) doesn’t mean he should get it just b/c he wants it. We teach our kids not to be spendthrifts. Parents should be good role models. I agree with the last paragraph in mousegray’s post #285. The DH may be a great guy, but by wife’s report, has no financial sense. The harley sounds like but one more example of this, and she is finally putting her foot down. Good for her.</p>
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<p>See jym that’s the problem here. We only have the wife’s side of the issue. She has painted him in the worst light possible, but even with that, he doesn’t sound that bad. He wanted a bigger home in a better neighborhood. They could afford it and they got it. They did not go bankrupt, they did not go into foreclosure. He wanted better schools for his kids and they got it. He wanted to put their investment funds into something that he could combine with his passion. It worked for them. Where is the fiscal irresponsiblity? They are financially secure, well as much as any of us can be. I cannot say good for her without hearing the husband side, this story is just too lopsided.</p>
<p>I think there are much deeper issues in the OP’s life and marriage and I think money is her way of dealing with those issues. And to be quite honest, I don’t think it is a very healthy way of dealing.</p>
<p>To be honest, I think its presumptuous and a bit condescending to make assumptions about “deeper issues in the OP’s life and money is her way of dealing with it”- especially on the heels of saying you can’t see both sides of the issue. Her DH isn’t posting on cc, in part perhaps b/c the OP said he’s not participated in the college search process.</p>
<p>The OP is mad-- understandably. She should post on the “say it here” thread. On these threads of COURSE we only get one side of the story. Your perspective is that she is somehow damaged. Mine is different. Surely if the OP’s DH posted here he’d rationalize away his latest “gotta have”. Maybe the OP is a hard nose b/c she has to be. Give her the benefit of the doubt.</p>
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I rarely if ever quote entire posts, it’s redundant. I edit them down to the part that is relevant to the point I am trying to make.</p>
<p>It’s abundantly clear you have nothing but disdain for the OP’s husband, I don’t need to misleadingly quote you to establish that. A few posts back you called him a “silly child.” How condescending is that? And there are plenty more examples.</p>
<p>Yet, what do you (or any of us) really know of this situation? Do you know the two people involved? Have you been there through the 20 years of their marriage? Do you know for a fact what his spending has actually been over the years?</p>
<p>The fact is, the only thing we know is what the OP has told us. She brings her own baggage and issues to the table. So why do you assume that the story as she tells it it is the one and only truth?</p>
<p>You (and a number of others on this thread) have thrown the OP’s husband under the bus, knowing only one side of the story. It’s one thing to have an opinion about the OP’s issue, but the continuous character assassination is unjustified.</p>
<p>And it bugs me.</p>
<p>But calling posters " dismissive and disrespectful… obnoxious… and denigrate others"
is ok? :rolleyes:</p>
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Let’s look three posts back at your post:
So calling someone presumptuous and condescending is ok, but dismissive and disrespectful is not. Got it.</p>
<p>Yup. Exactly-- I said it (making the derogatory assumptions) was presumptuous and condescending-- I didnt call her presumptuous and condescending. And I wasnt calling her out on it-- or telling her what she thought and how she felt as you were. Enough said.</p>
<p>“… what else do you need?”</p>
<p>I think OP needs some rest somehow. H is fine and he loves your parents more than you do, so he’s part of the family. He’s not perfect, but he’s happy and keep him that way. If he’s not sensitive enough to make you happy too, let he be the happy ‘child’.</p>
<p>Awwkk-Graawwk … yawn. OK, I’m up. PLEASE shut off that Barry Manilow.</p>
<p>Hey I don’t know about you guys, but all the married people I know have flaws and shortcomings. They all have wonderful qualities too, obviously. Without the combination we would have no marriages … and no threads like this one. </p>
<p>Even if we take every comment/complaint as absolute truth, it matters not if the OP and her husband can’t agree on a compromise that works for both of them. Toward that end, I wish them both the best.</p>