Opinions on Marital Money Conflict

Parent Cafe
341

<p>no need for me to go to your <a href=“http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fat_man_bike.jpg[/url]”>http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fat_man_bike.jpg&lt;/a&gt;, jym, the url tells me all i need to know. and believe me i look nothing like you (or whoever it is in that pic - your man/woman, husband/wife, brother/sister, or ?) but hey i’m real sorry now that i crossed your path. anybody with more than 6500 cc posts is either real educated or has too much time on their hands. either way i’ll keep well clear from now on and just go for a ride.</p>

342

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<p>Why would she be in charge of depositing the money into his account here? This is treating him like a child, and that’s already the problem (that he thinks like one).</p>

343

<p>Who is to decide how much is enough for someone else?!! We don’t know their lifestyle, what relatives they may need to help, what their medical expenses will be or where they want to retire.</p>

<p>$100k is s lot to some and peanuts to others.</p>

<p>What is key here is how this couple plans to lIve the rest of their lives. What they have agreed on.</p>

<p>If we accept the OPs account, DH probably plans to live with the finer things without a realistic plan to make it happen.</p>

344

<p>My quote: More to the point…the saving grace has been that the wife doesn’t spend like he does. You can’t spend a dollar twice. If there’s only X amount of discretionary money after bills and savings, and he’s spending most of X, then their finances are sound because she’s not spending similarly.</p>

<p>babyontheway quote: What you are saying is that she married the wrong man and needs to find a different man who has a different outlook on finances that her current man</p>

<p>huh…that’s reading too much between the lines. </p>

<p>I am not saying that she “married the wrong man.” He sounds like he has some really good qualities.</p>

<p>In several of my posts I have clearly stated that I don’t think their money issues are a deal-breaker (heck, it’s not like he runs up gambling debts.) I have said that their problems could be solved with 2 third party people…a therapist who does family history intakes and a financial planner. </p>

<p>*plus an additional $2k to $4k monthly in social security. *</p>

<p>No one can depend on social security. And if one spouse dies long before the other, half of SS goes away.</p>

<p>*There is nothing wrong with overfunding retirement unless you are making too large of sacrifice today. *</p>

<p>it could be argued that any “sacrificing” that is being done is also due to the pricier home and pricey schools that the H wanted.</p>

345

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<p>That would be because she sounds like she is in charge of their finances.</p>

<p>It’s not treating him like a child. It’s a method of budgeting and a way to give spouses that disagree on money full control over a portion of their income. It allows the two people to spend their money each as they see fit. </p>

<p>It’s called the three checkbook system, and it can save marriages.</p>

346

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<p>I believe most financial planners suggest including social security into your retirement plan. I know mine does and if you have one, he probably would suggest the same thing to you.</p>

<p>If your spouse dies, you qualify for survivor’s benefits. You don’t automatically lose half of your social security just because your husband dies.</p>

<p>Social security is not going away. At current projections, social security will only be able to pay out 75% of the projected benefits. If you are conservative, you can include this number in your financial projections. Including any amount much less than 75% is being unnecessarily conservative.</p>

347

<p>To JYM626</p>

<p>“Am curious-- have you read this whole thread, collegeshopping? Sorry to be blunt, but your post sounds overly simplistic.”</p>

<p>Of course I read the whole thread. And had you read the whole thread you would have seen that I first posted on post # 106 with a fairly detailed, not so simplistic reponse. So I guess the real question would be, “I am curious JYM626, have you read this whole thread?”</p>

<p>I guess I am fortunate to be married to man who has the same goals in life as I do. To be secure in our lives (financially and emotionally), to let us each live our individual lives so that we are fulfilled and that fulfillment spills over into a very happy marriage. Anyone here has the right to be anti 25K this or anti 25K that, or anti motorcycle, or anti what ever. But when partners start controlling each other so that it is their way or the highway (on the Harley of course…lol) then something has to change. Maybe not everyone in the world may make decisions on a flip of coin, but H and I have done just that. Simplistic…sure. Effective…yes. Not everything has to be so darn complicated.</p>

348

<p>Lots of thoughts here, but I guess the first thing that comes to mind is that he should easily be able to find a Harley for far less than $25,000.</p>

349

<p>collegehopping, I assume you think the OP is saying my way or the highway but likewise, one could interpret her husband saying my way or the highway. It just seems that some mutual decision making would be better or some compromises (maybe he gets a less expensive motorcycle).</p>

350

<p>collegeshopping-
Apologies that I have not memorized your posts from 2 days ago, and 200 posts ago. This thread has moved quickly. But did look back and saw your poem again. Does that count? My question to you was sincere-- not snarky (now my comments to barrons and a few other characters posting here… thats another story, LOL). I think several posters have done the OP a disservice, and have been somewhat dismissive to her. JMO. To reduce it to a power struggle resolved by a flip of the coin seems to minimize many of the issues she has addressed. Again, JMO.</p>

<p>And toodleoo-- YAY!!! If your post # 341 is a promise, you’ve made my day! You pop into the thread, tell everyone to “stop already”, and propose a passive-aggressive response (50K to spend on 2 harleys), and you are offended? Thats actually pretty funny (and so was the link I attached). If you don’t like the thread, no need to participate in it. And I don’t really give a flip what your setting w are set to. I was trying to be helpful in telling you how to get more posts per page. I won’t make that mistake again. Good luck to your dau. Hope she finds a job.</p>

351

<p>SoozieVT…oh I don’t think that at all. I think they both have their heels dug in and like I said a few pages back it is a good old fashioned power struggle. The OP has clearly stated she does not have a problem with him having a motorcycle. Her issue is with the cost. I get that, I really, really do. But men are interesting creatures. Call it pen*s envy or what ever you want to call it, but I assure you her husband does not want to ride up to a motorcycle hang out and have junker bike. It is simply not how men, and especially men that keep score and “enjoy the finer things in life” as OP admits her husband does. Her suggesting a “lesser bike” is as good as a NO in his world. So in his world it is black and white. Either that bike or no bike. For her, she can’t see why a compromise cannot be in order. From OP’s self description of her own husband, compromise has never come easily. Why would it be different this time? But that lack of compromise is at times a celebrated trait (like when he will not compromise on the quality of his renovation work) So to him he can’t equalize the injustice of it all. (He’s injustice…btw…I am not taking sides) I believe the OP does not feel that she matters in this relationship as is evident by the fact that she feels trapped in her job. It has a very parent/child feel to it (like it was pointed out by another poster) Wife is in the parent role and feels she has to be the leader, husband is the child and is controlled as one. If I felt trapped in my job (I would be in trouble since I we own the company…lol) I know my husband would put my mental health over all else. So back to what I have said all along. This is not about the motorcycle or the money. It is about the OP not feeling valued and their collective failures to properly communicate their wishes, dreams, desires and fears.</p>

352

<p>@jym626 – I didn’t think there was a way to respond to toodleooo’s posts but you succeeded admirably with your picture. I’m still laughing at the thought of it. Many thanks.</p>

353

<p>Thanks, pea!! I aim to please :D</p>

354

<p>Here is what I would suggest to the OP:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Sit down with a financial planner to figure out a realistic budget. Decide how much you should set aside for retirement, college savings, rainy day fund, and the like. Be sure to ask the planner if he would recommend including the pension and social security payments in your plan. Put no more than necessary in retirement.</p></li>
<li><p>Decide how much longer you and your husband would like to work.</p></li>
<li><p>If you have money left over after your obligations, decide if you want a less stressful job that pays less. Plan your budget based on your new estimated income, and start looking for a job right away.</p></li>
<li><p>Then after figuring your new income and your new amounts you need to set aside for the future, decide how much is a reasonable spending budget for you and your husband. Setup two checking accounts for spending money. One is for you (which will likely grow) and one for your husband (which will likely be near zero most of the month). Have automatic payments transferred into each account monthly.</p></li>
<li><p>And certainly, if you husband wants something extra and is willing to do extra work for it, by all means have that income directed into his spending account. This is assuming your other financial obligations are met. Then in the future, let him manage the money that is in his account and let him spend it the way he wants.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>As far as the motorcycle…tell him that the first step is to get the project finished. Right now it’s too early to count your chickens because the eggs haven’t hatched.</p>

355

<p>^^^^best advice of all the posts so far…imo.</p>

356

<p>I like babyontheway’s suggestions in post 354.</p>

<p>collegeshopping…while the husband may not be used to compromising, he should. :slight_smile: I’m not sure that the wife is the controlling one here. She may be the responsible one. But if the husband makes unilateral decisions without discussing with his wife or taking her views into consideration or being fair about how much of the discretionary funds can be for his wants and how many for hers and to make sure the necessities are covered first, then in many ways, he is more controlling.</p>

<p>Also, we do not truly know if for the husband, it is expensive Harley or no bike. And I get that’s what some men like but it doesn’t make it right to have to get “the best” if the couple needs some funds for other things or also to make sure wife can do some things she wants as well. It’s one thing to want the best and another to be able to afford the best. Just because the hubby wants one of the most expensive bikes, doesn’t make it right.</p>

357

<p>Good points soozie. </p>

<p>Separate issue-- unfortunately Social security is a sexist institution. If the wife dies, the H does not get her benefit. It goes away.</p>

358

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<p>I don’t think so. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/10084.pdf[/url]”>http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/10084.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>“Your widow or widower may be able to receive full benefits at full retirement age.”</p>

359

<p>pea,
These were eye-openers too! I have sympathy for these guys. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.societyofrobots.com/images/mechanics_suspension_fat_motorcycle.jpg[/url]”>http://www.societyofrobots.com/images/mechanics_suspension_fat_motorcycle.jpg&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Random/super-fat-man-on-a-scooter.jpg[/url]”>http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Random/super-fat-man-on-a-scooter.jpg&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

360

<p>Jym626,</p>

<p>Fat jokes are inappropriate and not relevant to the thread. </p>

<p>It’s not nice to make fun of people because of their weight any more than it’s not nice to make fun of someone for being mentally handicapped.</p>