Opinions on Marital Money Conflict

Parent Cafe
481

<p>thanks to OP again. OP, please post how you are dealing with your situation.</p>

<p>lots of opinions, this is the first time ever that I vented out my feelings, it feels good, even though anonymous. I feel lots of CC support. thank you.</p>

<p>sylvan8798: kids are ours, DH loves them, no doubt about that. I just got used to saying “my kids” because I feel I’m raising them myself, with intermittent help from dad. no, no, no – niece is not his child…although it seems that way… it is more of a family manipulation than anything else.</p>

<p>mom2- niece’s mom is just happy to get all the help. she is grateful for the help, but does not speak to me (along with MIL and SIL) because everyone on that side of the family knows I am against this whole setup of magnanimous one-way giving.</p>

<p>jym626, yes, as of right now, there seems to be no end, DH is contemplating what is the ‘good amount’ to be provided for the probably impending wedding after a phone call from SIL.
Yes, niece’s mom never married, is self-employed and does good, but MIL thinks that’s not enough for girl.</p>

<p>munchkin, no, he does not like to discuss money much, other than to say I have to manage with the regular pay check. Its up to me to save for college, spend for needed items, pay bills etc. No college funds for kids, I was hoping to set aside once niece is done. But in the recent months I am setting a small amount aside for each kid. We do not qualify for financial need but cannot pay for college outright so the best bet for the oldest is merit based aid. bright kid, hopefully will get some.</p>

<p>intparent, thanks for posting what you went through i understand your situation very well, i think you are handling it well.</p>

<p>Treetopleaf, “girl” - the niece - she grew up accepting this as normal, so I guess she does not think much about it, however, I do not know, now that she is an adult, maybe she understands some of my pain.</p>

<p>Iglooo, thanks for mentioning the word ‘alienation’ - sometimes i feel lonely and helpless. But my kids always get me out of it.</p>

<p>northeastmom, yes, there is not much accomplished if I walk away. and the fact of the matter is, we do love each other, eventhough DH’s actions says he weighs their words more, it is just an unwieldy situation.</p>

482

<p>I totally understand, sylvan. My H travels for work, and in his current position it is worse than ever. He is occasionally in town for the week (as in this past week) but most often its maybe a day and a half a weekend, if that. I hate it, but its his job, and it is what he wanted to do and I supported it. He will rethink this after at least a year in this job, as it is grating on both of us.</p>

<p>When the kids were small he had a job that required a lot of international travel. He would at times be gone 3 weeks out of the month, and I worked fulltime. We had childcare help. When our younger s’s 2nd grade teacher commented to us that she could tell by our s’s change in demeanor when DH was out of town, he looked for a different position in the company with less travel, and I stopped working on Fridays so I had more time to do chores on Fridays and had more time with the boys and their activities on the weekend.</p>

<p>When my mom was ill, before she died, we travelled back and forth 1000 mi away a lot. After she died (6 1/2 yrs ago) my dad fell apart, and he’s really never recovered. I manage things long distance, and we go up frequently to deal with things (my bro does nothing). The first year after my mom died I spent probably half my time dealing with her estate stuff, my dad’s fragile status, and I flew up and back every few weeks. My DH held down the fort at home with our younger s. There are some things you do because they are the right and decent thing to do for your family. But there is a limit.</p>

<p>** I just saw phone30’s latest post. If your DH is seriously considering footing the bill for a wedding AND your SIL has a good job AND your niece is imminently employable, it is time for what we in the south call a “come to Jesus” meeting with your DH. Its high time you sit him down and read him the riot act. That is simply outrageous. He footed the niece’s college and there is no college fund for any of your 3 kids? This is simply unacceptable!!</p>

483

<p>Maybe you should just tell him you’re going to go and get a job so you’ll be able to pay for your kid’s education, and he’ll have to figure out how he can help out with the child care. Maybe you should just get the job first and then tell him “these are the hours we’ll need to figure out how to cover.”</p>

<p>Maybe you should get some therapy, honestly. Becuase his problems are not your problem, but your problems ARE.</p>

484

<p>I agree that the question of how much time to spend at the office and working is a decision that is made between a husband and wife. If normal conversation doesn’t lead to an agreement and it’s a serious issue, then working out the question with third party professionals, such as a financial planner or family therapy is called for. </p>

<p>Anonymous internet boards, where one person presents one side of the story and asks for opinions from anonymous people unfamiliar with the family, are really not beneficial for either the husband or wife. Anybody can portray their issue with them being right and the spouse being wrong by leaving out details or information that are not constructive to his or her side. There are always two sides to every story.</p>

485

<p>just to be clear, whenever i say SIL, it is DH’s sister, not niece mom.</p>

486

<p>I am with jym on this one. If your H was responsible for your niece, why didn’t he claim her on his tax return. Why is he treating her differently than your own kids? I would be some of my niece and nephew’s guardian if anything should happen to my brother or sister. But the understanding is I would treat them as if I would treat my own kids. The deal with my own kids is when they are out of college then they are off my pay roll. Whether we pay for their weddings or not is optional.</p>

<p>It takes two to tango. I assume phone30 is fine with the situation or it wouldn’t have gone on for 14 years.</p>

487

<p>Au contraire, BOTW. Surely you see that the OPs can get quite varying input even with a one-sided presentation. Many people go to individual therapy, not couples therapy, and present their perspective of the situation. This is still very therapeutic, as is "venting’ on an anonymous forum. Many posters have commented how they have been helped and seen different perspectives, and thought about things differently after receiving feedback here.</p>

488

<p>phone30,
Who has the good job-- the widow or another sister?? OR both? If there is another sibling, is she not expected to help out? Does the widow have family too? Why dont they help? I agree with oldfort- if the child is like a guardian, they should be treated like one of your kids, not BETTER than your kids!</p>

489

<p>"I assume phone30 is fine with the situation or it wouldn’t have gone on for 14 years. "</p>

<p>Believe me, I have thought my brains out all these years a way to better this - every which way had serious repercussions either financially or just emotionally, to the kids. There is no right answer or a clean solution, every avenue is dark and unpredictable. The only reason this went on so long was I always thought the graduation of niece would end this, and I believed that paying for her college was the right thing to do at the time. What I do not agree is this monetary help going on and on with no end in sight. maybe it is going to stop after the wedding? I can only hope.</p>

490

<p>Sorry, but I think you are pipe-dreaming, phone30. The funds should stop NOW. You have THREE kids to think about. A husband and her MOTHER can pay for a wedding. ENOUGH!!!</p>

491

<p>I’ve been following this thread and finally feel compelled to post.</p>

<p>phone30, have you talked to dh about the fact that your kids have no college fund because of his overly generous support of the niece? I mean, does he really get it?</p>

<p>I am so hurt on your behalf. My dh for years was overly, IMO, beholden to his family. It took some therapy and me putting my foot down to change that.</p>

492

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<p>Just to make it clear, because it seems like there may be some confusion, phone30’s H just started the second job last year, he hasn’t been doing this for 14 years. She does admit she agreed to help pay for the niece’s expenses and her college education. </p>

<p>What IS unconscionable is the fact that phone30 has been totally kept in the dark. She does not know how much the H makes in his second job or what is in the niece’s account. Perhaps his intention is even to keep working this way to provide the funds for his own kids’ college. Phone30 has no way of knowing this, since he refuses to tell her.</p>

<p>The money itself is the least of her issues with her H.</p>

493

<p>roshke, yes, DH did start second job only last year to accumulate a considerable sum of money for niece. Until then, all monetary support came from regular pay check. yes, it is humiliating for me that he wont tell me how much is in there… i guess i’ll know when tax time comes?
well, now i am looking for parttime work so that can be of some help.</p>

494

<p>Only you can decide if the marriage is worth this kind of treatment. I couldn’t bear it, personally. Have y’all considered couple’s counseling?</p>

495

<p>^^^ DH has no time for counseling. Since DH is not home that much, translates to I have no time for a lot of things. I have considered counseling in the past, but rethinking now seriously about it. I will make a few calls this week so I can find someone that I can go for counseling during the day when kids are in school.</p>

496

<p>niece’s mom is just happy to get all the help. she is grateful for the help, but does not speak to me (along with MIL and SIL) because everyone on that side of the family knows I am against this whole setup of magnanimous one-way giving.</p>

<p>How nervy of this family to be in such united support for something that is so divisive between a husband and wife. They don’t give a crap about your marriage, yet they care oh-so-much for the widow’s family. </p>

<p>What about HER family? What are THEY doing for their widowed daughter/sister???</p>

497

<p>*For some couples, an arrangement of this sort is what actually works. DH is a workaholic, and has been for as long as I have known him. Because of our rental units, he is gone from the house 80+ hours a week, week in and week out (he also has a full time job).</p>

<p>He leaves around 7:30 am and returns after 10:30 pm most weekdays. I don’t start to worry until after 1 am. He usually puts in 8-10 hours on Saturday as well. On top of that he is the scoutmaster for DS troop, so is gone one weekend a month for camping trips, and during the school year 1 night a week for scout meetings. *</p>

<p>That is a very different situation because ALL of the fruits of your H’s extra working go towards your family …not someone else. Your children are not being denied the financial benefits to your H’s work. </p>

<p>My H works a lot of overtime as well. BUT ALL OF THE overtime money goes to US…not some relative for 14+ years!!! If something happened to Phone’s husband, who would take care of her and the kids? Their savings isn’t what it should be because what should have been savings has been (forced) going to another family!</p>

498

<p>phone30-
Your DH listens to strong, demanding women. You need to be more like them. And as for therapy-- you are making excuses for him. He darned well BETTER make time for it- .He is clearly showing you and your kids that you are relatively unimportant. He sacrifices your relationship and time with you for the niece and demanding relatives. He needs to quit the second job, turn off the $$ pipeline and focus on you and your family. Time for you to insist.</p>

499

<p>phone30, do you ever get angry with him? lol I’m sure you do. I mean, do you ever show him your anger? What would happen if you said you were leaving him unless things changed (if that’s even on your radar)? I’m just curious as to how he would react …</p>

<p>ETA: One again, cross-posted w/jym.</p>

500

<p>I don’t even think, at this point in time, you ought to be thinking about him and therapy. You need to go to therapy. YOU. Alone. And you need to get some assertiveness training. I’m so releived to hear you are looking for a job, I can’t state it strongly enough. It will change the dynamics way more than you think, but you need to be ready for it.</p>