<p>The first year after my mom died I spent probably half my time dealing with her estate stuff, my dad’s fragile status, and I flew up and back every few weeks. My DH held down the fort at home with our younger s. There are some things you do because they are the right and decent thing to do for your family. But there is a limit.</p>
<p>Same here…my dad’s health declined this year and he died last month. I spent a lot of time in Calif this year and am going back on Wednesday to further help my elderly widowed mom. </p>
<p>H holds down the fort while I’m gone…but there is a limit. We don’t have children at home now and it’s only for short amounts of time…not everyday for years on end!!!</p>
<p>*it is time for what we in the south call a “come to Jesus” meeting with your DH. *</p>
<p>I have thought my brains out all these years a way to better this - every which way had serious repercussions either financially or just emotionally, to the kids.</p>
<p>This sounds odd…what do you mean by that?</p>
<p>Also…before he was working the second job, what funds was he using to support this niece? funds from his only job or something else?</p>
<p>*Your DH listens to strong, demanding women. You need to be more like them. *</p>
<p>There’s a lot of truth to this…He “obeys” them because he knows he’ll catch $hit from them if he doesn’t.</p>
<p>She needs therapy before she can even HAVE a “come to jesus moment” with her husband, who needs to have a come to jesus moment with his Mama, in the worst way.</p>
<p>Wow, there sure is a lot of helplessness in your posts. Why are you putting up with this? Do you really think your only options are “hope”, humiliation, and guessing? I’m sorry to dump on you but the only way out for you is an attitude adjustment, probably through therapy. It sounds like there are two king-sized martyrs in your family.</p>
<p>Expecting anyone who has accepted unfair conditions for a long time to change is asking a lot. We train people to treat us the way they do. </p>
<p>When she saw what her DH was doing years ago, phone30 needed to step in and start college funds for all 4 children and insist they be treated equally.</p>
<p>When someone says all options are dark and accepts the status quo, no one will change one iota. I truly don’t understand why so many women don’t assert their power in their relationships, smart, capable, wonderful women who accept this as their lot in life and quietly seethe.</p>
<p>Wow-- isn’t it a little early in the morning to start hurling mud, edad? </p>
<p>Am not confrontational (unlike your last 2 posts in this thread, which were clearly meant to be confrontational and inflammatory). I am assertive, and in being so do address issues, sometimes gently, sometimes more directly. Sorry to disappoint you-- but I won’t be putting you on my dance card. But thanks for the invitation. Am happily married in a first, long-term and only marriage to a wonderful spouse who is kind, generous and thoughtful. We work wonderfully together as a cooperative team. Several cc’ers have met him. Thanks for asking. BTW, he is the one who taught me the term crotchrocket, and explained the derivation of the term. It is not an insult at all, so no need to try to make it one for purpose of an argument.</p>
<p>Go have your morning cuppa joe and lighten up. If you are looking for a fight, go pick one with someone else.</p>
<p>Most people who are still in their first marriage are the ones who have no problem stating what they want out of a relationship. I am not surprised jym is still happily married in her first marriage.</p>
<p>Thanks, oldfort. Yes, that is the foundation of a good relationship-- the ability to communicate–to discuss and work through differences and both hear and be heard. I address an issue if it needs addressing, and let it go if it seems unimportant. This likely contributes to my having remarkably low blood pressure (and before anyone makes a snide comment-- my DH has low blood pressure too). I hope you are happily married in a first, longterm marriage, and I hope you treat your wife with more respect than you seems to be suggested in the tone you take with some of the female posters here. Have to wonder if you are a bit authoritarian and don’t like to be questioned/challenged. Just an observation. I am not a doormat, and my DH would not want me to be.</p>
<p>Some men are incapable of standing up to their mothers, even at the expense of their relationship to their wife or their own family. It’s a strange dynamic, I don’t really understand how things get that way, but there it is.</p>
<p>I’m glad phone30 is getting the chance to vent and hope it makes her feel better, because I don’t really see the situation changing without drastic measures. I think she will have to seriously threaten (and convince her husband she means it) to blow up her and her husband’s family, and even then he may choose his mother.</p>
<p>I would start by calling the niece and having a heart-to-heart with her, and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she continues to drain your family of money your own kids will not be able to go to college, this is unacceptable, and the niece needs to tell the husband “thanks for all you’ve done, I’m not going to take any more money from you.”</p>
<p>Notrichenough-- I mean no disrespect, but that is actually very passive-aggressive.</p>
<p>What Phone needs to learn how to do is to speak directly to her husband and to expect to be treated with respect and dignity. This problem, believe it or not, goes far beyond the issue of the niece. The mother will age, the SIL will age, there will be neverending demands placed on this man’s time and this family’s finances. Whether the niece thanks the husband or not will not do a thing to stop the underlying issue.</p>
<p>There are about a million of them, but the ONLY one the poster can do anything about is herself. SHE needs to take responsibility for the way that she is communicating, for the situation she is “accepting,” for whatever else. The truth is that while he may have been allowing himself to be pushed around by his family, she is allowing herself to be slighted and pushed around by him. The only change she can make is with herself.</p>
<p>Also, long time married to first husband. Lucky guy. ;)</p>
<p>I don’t know if these relatives are his or yours - but I venture to say, a good man is not necessarily a good husband. A wife and mother need a good husband and a good father. I am not sure your H qualifies. Ignoring your needs and riding roughshod over your wishes is not loving or respectful behavior. </p>
<p>A husband and father is more than a meal ticket. </p>
<p>How is your children’s relationship with their dad ? Did you say there is no college fund for your own children while your husband paid for your niece’s and now her marriage or whatever fund ? </p>
<p>I don’t understand how some people can have such a warped sense of responsibilities and priorities.</p>
<p>Passive-aggressive? Maybe… I’m just trying to think of a way around the immediate issue. The niece may not realize what this is doing to the rest of the family. </p>
<p>
True, but unfortunately… if forced to choose between her or his mother… he could very well choose the mother.</p>
<p>Though, maybe he needs to be forced to choose. Perhaps the threat of losing his family, a big chunk of his income and savings, never seeing his kids, will turn him around. Certainly a divorce would prevent him from supporting the niece at the current level.</p>
<p>As the saying goes, “don’t point your gun at someone unless you are prepared to fire.” It’s a high risk strategy and phone30 has to be willing to pull the trigger.</p>
<p>NRE…It is interesting how the choice seems to be either confront the husband and threaten to leave him, or go around him, no? I see exactly why you would see this. Phone presents herself as completely powerless and “at the mercy of” her husband and his choices…</p>
<p>However, I believe we start with the little things. For example, it is good she is looking for a job. I believe we begin by changing our expectations…he may never change. If she chooses to stay with him? Then she is choosing to stay. But, I don’t think this is about divorce or “shut up.”</p>
<p>I really believe she could begin to open her mouth and talk about what she needs without even bringing UP the topic of the neice. As in, “I need to take a vacation.” Then, take a family vacation without him, instead of just waiting around. If she changes the way she is living her life, he will be forced to make changes as well.</p>
<p>If somebody spends thier entire life waiting for somebody else to change in order for them to be able to change, nothing’s gonna change. But, this does not have to be about divorce or “shut up.” IMO></p>
<p>Jym has said she’s in a long term marriage. I got out of mine but I agree with her. I just think it’s unlikely for people who’ve accepted the situation and see all options as bleak to change their approach.</p>
<p>I stayed in a bad marriage much longer than I should have and my life became much, much happier when I got out. This is not the first thread exploring unhappy unions, and based on the others, the vast majority stay and don’t demand change.</p>