<p>You have 2 issues: what to do about the inheritance AND (separately) what to do about motorcycles.</p>
<p>Re: the inheritance… its full worth requires extra work. You can pay your DH or you hire an outsider. Does DH resent having to do the work? Since his work will benefit more than just you two, I think you all chip in.</p>
<p>Re: the motorcycle…don’t do it! My dear friend’s husband died last Mother’s Day. He left 3 kids. Buy a bicycle instead. It may not be as macho, but it’s better for his cardio and for the long run. If you’re completely unsuccessful, pay up your life insurance, no kidding.</p>
<p>My H came from a wealthier family than me, except they weren’t very generous with us. When we first got married at the age of 21, making 30K combined, H wanted to spend close to $7-800 on a suit(Armani) because that’s what his parents used to spend on his suits, and that was over 30 years ago. It told him that he was out of his mind, but he wouldn’t settle for a Brooks Brother suit either. We decided to give each other a clothing budget. I bought multiple suits, shirts for work, and H bought one suit in 2 years. Even now, he will only buy one or two suits a year (if that), but he would only go to one tailor in Italy to have it made.</p>
<p>My vice is vacation. Over the years, I have spent a lot of money on travel, even when the money wasn’t quite there. I have dragged my kids to Asia, Europe since they were 6 months old. H has asked me to cut back a few times about travel when money was tight. We probably would be a lot better off financially now if we didn’t do all that travelling, but when D1 went away to college she made an album of places we have been to, and she said all of those trips were her fondest memories of our family. </p>
<p>I don’t know much about mortocycle, but if your H is dying to have one, would it make sense to let him buy a used one. Maybe in a little while, he will get over it and sell it. My girlfriend’s H really wanted a BMW 2 seater (the inexpensive one) when he turned 50. She said if it was going to make him feel better about life (and could help him perform better in certain area ) than it’s worth the money. Her H sold it in less than a year because it was not very practical(hard to transport a whole soccer team) and he was too big to get in and out of the car.</p>
<p>My wife left a well-paying high tech job ($120K+) to switch careers, and now earns 1/3-1/2 of what she used to. But she is much happier. Was she selfish? Should I be resentful? It’s a motorcycle x3 every single year… Would you be resentful if your spouse did this?</p>
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Maybe he is tired of you keeping a lid on him for the last 20 years, and has decided to put his foot down.</p>
<p>It’s clear here the couple looks at money differently, and that, simply, is the problem.</p>
<p>OP, this sounds like just one among many money issues you’ve had. Do you want to stay married to him? If yes, find a way to compromise. As you’ve told us, he seems to have a need for some material things while you are driven to save for the future. Can you involve a financial planner in outlining your joint financial future?</p>
<p>My ex husband was much more materially driven than I am. It resulted in many moves and his working 24/7. He needed to do it and no compromise was possible. I decided I didn’t want to live with it. </p>
<p>I have a good friend who recently inherited a lot of money. Her marriage has long been rocky. She has kept the money separate.</p>
<p>None of these options are unreasonable. You just need to decide which is for you, think through the consequences and get comfortable with what you choose to do.</p>
<p>People calling any option vile are not being fair. The husband here has a need for toys and the OP a need for security. Neither is wrong.</p>
<p>I think there is really only one issue and this is it, and I think it has been simmering in this marriage for a long time. OP says things like “I resent the sacrifices I have made…” “It has been a chore to keep on lid on him”. I would be interested in hearing the husband views on these issue. Could he be feeling that he has worked hard his whole life, but has been kept on a short lease and wants to rebel.</p>
<p>This is an issue that breaks up many, many marriages, but it doesn’t have to. There are ways to overcome what are very deep and ingrained ways of thinking about money, but it takes a lot of work and a good counselor. Perhaps the best use of the 25K would be marriage counseling.</p>
<p>A guy works hard all his life and has plenty set aside and some B is going to tell him he can’t do what he wants with a little money??? Time to tell her to hit the bricks. There are plenty of more understanding less messed up fish in the sea.</p>
<p>H has great job with great benefits and works on rental properties that are owned jointly, producing income, and your equity share of those increases every month. Sounds like he’s pulling his weight.</p>
<p>You both have good jobs. You stand to increase your net worth with an inheritance. You both have pensions and I suspect, based upon your post, will max out on your social security benefits. You’re sending your child to school and he/she will graduate without debt. You’ve given a gift greater than most children will get.</p>
<p>Sure it’s possible that you both could lose your jobs tomorrow, your pensions could become worthless, and social security will go bankrupt. In the sense that anything is possible, that could happen. On the other hand, have you considered what is likely? What is likely is that both of you will remain employed, or that in the event one of you becomes unemployed, that individual will find a job or do something new, exciting, and different because, let’s be honest, you’re two intelligent, hard working, industrious people. It’s likely that the real estate will not decrease much further in value and that you will continue to pay the mortgages and increase your net worth every month.</p>
<p>With respect, I think you might be too worried about the bad things that “might” happen. </p>
<p>It saddens me that this alone could “end (y)our marriage.” I can’t imagine that this and only this could break up what clearly has been a good partnership. I hope that isn’t the case. I wish you and your husband the best and hope you both find the empathy to work this out.</p>
<p>barrons- “he can’t do what he wants” with WHOSE money? It’s either their’s or hers. Remember she is inheriting the cash. He will do work worth about $10k, and he wants to spend $25k.</p>
<p>Tell him he can spend the $10k, but she won’t support the rest coming from her inheritance.</p>
<p>I have not read the posts since page 1, but am wondering, does Harley sell certified pre-owned? Can he get an amazing deal on a used one with a warranty? The economy is bad, is there someone out there who is upside down and needs to offload a great Harley?</p>
<p>If DH wanted a toy and the budget was more reasonable would that be acceptable? Like $5-10k?</p>
<p>My DH has had a motorcycle for over 10 years; where we live there is not much traffic and he is careful so I don’t worry much about the safety aspect, and yes, he would love a gorgeous BMW bike, but he got an affordable one for a great deal and derives a great deal of pleasure from it.</p>
<p>DH has always wanted toys more than I want toys and it has been a conflict over the years. I have lightened up a bit and he has backed off, too. Once we began what we call the tuition austerity plan we had no money for any toys! But he still yearned for them, so I understand how you feel OP. The smartest thing he did is have me do the pricing research before he buys anything. That way I am 100% convinced it is a good deal.</p>
<p>Now there’s the solution Barrons. He can go look for another fish while paying child support and having a new household. That shoal pretty much assure the Harley won’t happen.</p>
<p>My ex had the need to kill himself working to live large, he doesn’t live quite as large as he used to given the support and tuition he’s paying. I, on the other hand, retired because I didn’t need more than the support. See how well these things work:)</p>
<p>So, you are willing to humiliate him in front of your parents with something that is about as lighthearted as a train wreck?</p>
<p>I think the main issue is that the OP doesn’t like her job, and can’t get another one, but the husband likes his and isn’t suffering enough. That’s hardly his fault.</p>
<p>I think the main issue is that the OP doesn’t like her job, and can’t get another one, but the husband likes his and isn’t suffering enough. That’s hardly his fault.</p>
<p>I agree however- it is true that it can be hard not to note over time, that while both people are contributing roughly the same income to the partnership, it seems to be quite a bit more draining and difficult for one of them. Not too much of a jump to start to feel frustrated, especially if ( & I don’t know if this is true), there is an unspoken or even spoken agreement that the financial contribution from each is expected to match.</p>
<p>Money is touchier than family or sex- and while we often marry people with whom we share common interests- I know very few people who have an easy time dealing with money.</p>
<p>With his share of a million, the fact that she works and the kids are probably not that little sounds like a no brainer if she’s as bad in real life as she sounds here. A few years of support and FREE. And women wonder why some guys just decide to go out for a smoke and never come back. Half of the non-inherited money is his too, just as much as hers. He can spend it anyway he wants and does not need approval. He is being very reasonable. If he wants a new bike get it. No reason to buy somebody else’s trouble. You can get great financing on bikes today.
It’s not his fault she picked a bad job–if it really is all that bad. I guarantee 10 people would take it tomorrow. Most jobs have stress.</p>
<p>Keeping inheritance separate is a good idea. A know of a case where a sizable inheritance ended up with someone who the original owner didn’t even know (left to daughter, who left it to her husband, who left it to his new wife, who left it to her kids). The grandchildren (daughter’s kids) didn’t even get any keepsakes from grandmother – new wife’s kids liquidated everything – and they are still heartbroken years later.</p>
<p>Because of this, my mother has set up everything in trusts that go to her kids, then grandchildren. My husband isn’t happy about this, but it’s her money and it’s important to her that it stay in the family.</p>
<p>OP, it sounds like you & your H have two opposing outlooks on life, which is really the problem here, not the money. For you, it sounds like you will never feel ‘safe’ enough, and you will always sacrifice your own needs for the sake of your family. So, you feel resentful if he stops playing on your team, ie, does not prioritize saving for a rainy day, after all the sacrifices you are making.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t take sides here myself, but I’d like to point out that you could learn a bit from his outlook. I think any financial person would say you two are in pretty secure positions and have a good track record for saving. It’s OK to treat yourself. It’s OK to have some frivolous fun things in your life even if they cost money. Personally, I think they’re necessary. Life isn’t all about the grind. Well, I guess I have taken a side here.</p>
<p>I think you should let him get the motorcycle and let it go. Easier said than done --I know what accumulated resentment feels like, as do most people-- but if you can get there, I think it’s the place that will give you the most peace. So what if it’s a midlife impulse? A last grasp at youth. Heck, let him grab it. As a family of very modest means (heck, we’re dirt poor compared to you), my husband --the primary wage earner-- wouldn’t keep me from spending money we actually had on something that I deeply wanted. Neither one of us spend much, but when I want some little indulgence he encourages it. Life is to be lived. Not heedless of practical needs, but good heavens! you and your husband have built a life where you’re in an excellent financial condition.</p>
<p>My mother --may she RIP-- grew up in the Depression and she was obsessed with money and frugality all her life. He excitement came from finding $2 shoes at the thrift store when she could afford any shoes she wanted. After being so fixated on money all her life, it turned out that the shoes she really wanted were the $2 shoes just because they were $2! Yeah, perhaps an extreme example, but I saw what it did to her. She didn’t live life. </p>
<p>Heck, I think your husband should get the motorcycle and you should do something like it that’s your version of the Harley. You’ve both earned it.</p>
<p>Is it possible to satisfy H’s yearning by something cheaper than a brand-new Harley? For instance, can one rent or lease these things? Are there used ones on the market? And though I know Harley has a special mystique, might a less expensive brand allow him to tear around just as well?</p>
<p>I know how the OP feels. Fortunately with my husband his stupid purchases have been in the hundreds, rather than thousands of dollars. The exercise equipment gathering dust. The electric saws and other tools used once, now in the garage. And when I’m clipping coupons to go grocery shopping I still seethe every time I see them. </p>
<p>Since the OP and her husband have vastly different ideas on how to spend and save money, she should definitely keep his mitts off her inheritance money. She needs that as an emergency fund, a bit of insurance, and for her own peace of mind.</p>
<p>Is it really worth it? Is it really worth your marriage? My husband has done knucklehead things, but they have made him happy. I’m sure I have some some knucklehead things also. </p>
<p>In the long run, if it’s something husband really, really wants, and I have done my due diligence, then I’d rather have him happy instead of resenting me over the years, wondering what if. I am also positive that he has done the same for me.</p>
<p>Choose your battles wisely. If you win, will you really lose?</p>
) than it’s worth the money. Her H sold it in less than a year because it was not very practical(hard to transport a whole soccer team) and he was too big to get in and out of the car.</p>