<p>It sounds like both you and your husband are working hard and sacrificing for the kids and for the future. Spending $300,000 to send kids to college makes sense somehow but spending 8% of that amount for enjoyment seems impossible. Something is seriously wrong when you work that hard for the future but have no room for today’s fun. </p>
<p>Even though it is a large expense, getting between your husband’s dream and reality is not likely to work out well. A mid life crisis may be an overworked cliche, but it is common for us to re-examine our lives during our 40’s or 50’s. If it only costs $25,000 consider yourself lucky.</p>
I think this is probably true, but only if you can forgive him. My husband and I made a financial decision 21 years ago that haunted us for about 15 years because it wasn’t really what I wanted and I couldn’t forgive him. I carried that rage around in countless ways every day for all that time. It took me letting go and forgiving before we could move forward. We talked about this recently and he surprised me by saying that it had absolutely not been worth it to him because on balance, at the time of decision making, it was so much more important to me than to him that my feelings should have been given priority. I will live with those regrets for the rest of my life because it was the wrong decision for the person I am and he would have gotten over it. If you really can’t live with it, I mean really can’t, after digging into your deepest soul and priorities, then don’t let him do it because it will be poison.</p>
<p>re “inheritance”…aren’t the parents still alive? the “family” wants h to work, mostly his labor, now. but the 100 g won’t come in until they’re both gone, unless gifted tax-free but slowly, or paid and taxed for services rendered. and even then it’s not really his (he’s clear on this by now). and the parents won’t need the money themselves before they die? and the sister who appears to be more in trouble than you two - parents won’t decide they should bequeathe according to her special needs? yeah </p>
<p>re use of money…h has done a lot here and may feel he’s entitled; wife needs to get a life. better the new (not used) harley (not bicycle) he really wants than another woman willing to help him spend his half of your marital assets. things get funny when it’s down to the money.</p>
<p>if you can’t show h this discourse (sure not), tell him the “family” has decided to hire the work out, and is keeping their money by putting it in trusts. he has been upfront with his wants (new harley while he can still do it); so do him the favor of being upfront with your needs (future security more than work you really like).</p>
<p>re priorities…with a few years of parenting yet to go, do what you have to do to finish the most important job you’ll ever have. hard to do this right while you’re in divorce court.</p>
<p>How about sayiing, “Honey, I know you really want that Harley, but I just can’t wrap my mind around spending 25k on it when we have 300k+ in college tuition due in the next five years. Why don’t we plan to get that bike for you as your my-kids-are-off-my-budget prize five years from now, and I can celebrate by quitting this job I hate. That way we have common goals to look forward to. Maybe we could even drive up to that last graduation with me on the bike and you in the sidecar.”</p>
<p>I was all for letting him spend what he made till I heard it was a motorcycle. H has came home twice with stars in his eyes over a bike. It is the one item he would have to purchase knowing I would not come around to support it. Also if he is only going to make 10 I think he should only spend 10.
I have a friend who has a similar marriage to yours. Only her spouse works very little. She has put up with a lot of opinions from her family about her spouse. We recently talked and she said she could focus on the things she isn’t happy about with her spouse or she could focus on the positive. She has chosen to focus on the good parts of him and realized for her the good outweigh the bad.</p>
<p>Sylvan, about 5 years ago I caught my (now ex-H) cheating with a woman he had dated from before we were married 23 years before. The fact that I was able to effectively trace and prove gifts from my parents during our years of marriage saved me tens of thousands of dollars during my divorce, but there were tens more that I had to split the assets for because I had not actually kept separate accounts. I also had an inheritance from a sibling that I fortunately kept separate, so he could not get at it. It has helped pay my kids’ tuition (ex-H has not contributed one dime to either child’s tuition). So you can think it is a “vile” as you want to, but taking these steps has saved the opportunity for my kids to go to a much better college than they would be able to attend otherwise. And if I had gone further, it would be even better. Since the OP’s marriage is clearly not rock solid (and take it from someone who was blindsided by a cheating spouse, it can happen to ANYONE), it is prudent advice to keep her non-marital assets separate.</p>
<p>I have no problem with my children spending money I give them on ANYTHING they want to. Cars, trips, tuition, credit card bills, mortgage payments, vacation homes, etc. Stuff that benefits their whole family, including the spouse, they can go to town. But there is no legitimate reason other than greed on the part of the spouse, in my opinion, for the money to be placed in the spouses name or in a joint account. As much as I am sure I will love my kids-in-law (and I believe I will), I wouldn’t be giving them large financial gifts if they weren’t married to my kids. Any spouse who someone thinks they are entitled to assets of their spouse’s parent or assets that parent gifts to their child is dreaming.</p>
<p>OP, at least make sure you up your H’s life insurance if he goes through with this plan.</p>
<p>I see no reason on earth to even connect what he might earn on this job and the bike. He earned the right to buy himself something many times over. Connecting one to the other is just not logical. He does not need a windfall to get a bike. It will open up an entire world of new friends, activities and fun for him. She can come along–or not.</p>
<p>Aaack, not a motorcycle, I was picturing a boat…I would put my foot down, absolutely no motorcycles, but it probably wouldn’t be an issue with my husband who doesn’t even use hedge clippers, climb a ladder or play catch because he needs his hands to work. I have a high school classmate who lost her husband last month to a motorcycle accident and he was a very skilled rider.</p>
<p>However, the fact that it is a motorcycle does not seem to be the issue here, so I’ll just keep thinking of it as an “unspecified luxury item” and I have to go along with your husband. I think you are way undervaluing the contribution he has made with his renovation skills and also that you might be suffering from some depression or anxiety from your job situation. I also think that your parents should not be involved in any of these discussions about what to do with this money even though they are paying for the renovations. That should remain between you and your husband. (Sorry, a lot of thinking on my part there.)</p>
<p>You also seem somewhat bitter that you were not able to stay home with your children but that needs to be water under the bridge since that time is over. Think about now and how you have honed your job skills and should be in a good position to find your ideal, less stressful job when the economy gets better (hopefully). I stayed home and am glad I did but at this point in my life, my options are very limited. I’m glad we don’t keep score in our marriage because I wouldn’t even have toothpaste.</p>
<p>*It sounds to me like your husband REALLY wants this item, enough to continue stubbornly to insist on it even though you believe it’s an unwise purchase. It is, arguably, “his” money since he is making it via his renovation efforts. *</p>
<p>It is not “his money”!!!</p>
<p>Any money that he earns from labor is community money in the marriage. If the wife took a second job, those earnings would NOT be “her” money.</p>
<p>If he’s going to selfishly insist on spending $25k of earnings on some luxury item for him, there’s NO WAY I would put any inheritance money in joint account. Keep it all separate!!! Never mingle that inheritance money and it will stay the wife’s. </p>
<p>The wife has made it clear that she has been the one sacrificing and he’s the one who blows money on the “finer things in life”. He sounds like a selfish jerk.</p>
<p>Well, I think the OP is getting the full spectrum of responses here. It’s interesting to see how one’s life experiences color the advice:</p>
<p>‘She’s a controlling b*’
‘He’s a selfish jerk’
‘He could be cheating’
‘Let him enjoy some of his earnings now’
etc.</p>
<p>I liked the advice posted previously that they consult a financial planner. That way their financial picture will be more concrete to both of them.</p>
<p>And if money issues (and perhaps other issues) are causing marital strife, then marital counseling also.</p>
<p>“It is not ‘his money’!!!
Any money that he earns from labor is community money in the marriage.”</p>
<p>And his vacation time doesn’t belong to her parents … who (inadvertently) kicked off this whole mess by suggesting Son-in-Law renovate someone else’s house in exchange for what now appears to be a 529 Plan contribution. (That’s pretty much what HCP intends to use his renovation contribution for, isn’t it?)</p>
<p>I have a friend who was killed crossing the street, hiking, eating dinner blah blah blah. My wife sees people every day who are finding out they won’t live another year and many are well under 60. If you want guarantees in life buy insurance. </p>
<p>And it’s not her money either. Community property does not equal veto power. It means she owns half a Harley.</p>
<p>barrons, if you wanted to do something and your spouse not only disagreed but said “I understand where you’re coming from and I’ve given it a lot of thought and have tried my best, but I simply can not live with this decision” what would you do? I’m not talking about something small like growing a beard but something that you knew was such a huge issue for your wife that you believed her when she said that she couldn’t live with it, and you also believed that she was generally not a control freak or abusive spouse but that whatever it is that you wanted was just too much for her to handle.</p>
<p>Here’s a similar one. My brother and sister-in-law always lived near her family (they’ve been married for 30 years) and about ten years ago built their dream house in the area. My brother loved the house and the area and so did his wife, but about three years ago my SIL’s son moved down south and she was determined to follow. She pushed and harassed my brother and they were able to sell the house very quickly and moved down there. My brother didn’t want to go but decided to do it for her. They generally have a good marriage and are both wonderful people. But he hates it there so much that he’s having all sorts of health problems, and the son they left up here is having problems so they travel constantly. It turned out to be a terrible mistake for them and I wonder if it wouldn’t have been better for him to have refused because I think she would have gotten over it sooner. My brother was, at the same time, both the person with the strongest feelings and the most willing to give in to his wife. If she had known then how unhappy he would be, I wonder if it would have been worth it to her.</p>
<p>I’m not understanding the math. The OP said the house needs 15,000-20,000 work and much of that is labor and that husband plans to do some of it and subcontract out some of it. I don’t know how much “some” equals. But perhaps he will only net $10,000 in pay for doing the in-laws’ renovations. How does he pay for a $25000 Harley with that? Does he want to use some of wife’s inheritance for this purchase? Some of their marital assets from other sources prior to the renovation payment? If that much of marital earnings go into a personal purchase for husband, and it is a significant chunk of change, is he proposing that $25,000 be set aside for wife’s personal use? Does husband feel entitled to wife’s inheritance funds to use for personal use?</p>
<p>And what has gone downhill? Hubby has been doing lots of hard renovation work and contributing to the family wealth. This time he wants to enjoy some of it. That sounds like a good, healthy idea (aside from the risk of driving a motorcycle).</p>