<p>Many women actually enjoy riding with their significant other on a bike of that size. I don’t think marriage equals veto power over every decision. You don’t like it–noted. But individuals have rights too. It is their life too. Not yours to control. At their $$$$ level I do not think buying a Harley is that extravagent or will lead to any change in their lives. Just have to cut a few other luxuries a bit.</p>
<p>*At their $$$$ level I do not think buying a Harley is that extravagent or will lead to any change in their lives. **Just have to cut a few other luxuries a bit. ***</p>
<p>If you’ve been reading the OP’s post…the problem is this…</p>
<p>She doesn’t indulge in luxuries, but her H does (enjoys the finer things in life). And, he has always resisted attempts to cut back on luxury spending - because he felt “denied” as a child. Therefore, he’s not open to any cutbacks in spending on the finer things in life. That is one major facet of the problem. </p>
<p>I do agree that one spouse shouldn’t have unilateral veto power over all decisions, because that can lead to abuse, power struggles, and frustrations.</p>
<p>An attorney friend of mine who happens to be a divorce attorney says her clients acknowledge that there are two opinions, theirs and the a$$-oles. LOL</p>
<p>And to add to your post, mom2collegekids, the OP said her H was unwilling to give up any other luxuries, so thats the end of that plan. The OP has indicated she has conceded to virtually every one of her H’s extravagances, that included having to live in someone else’s house for a year. She is finally putting her foot down. Good for her. Maybe he should plan to fix up the soon-to-be inherited house with plans to live in it, and clean his own )(<em>#()#</em>& toilets.</p>
<p>I don’t believe everything one party says about another either. People have been known to bend the facts to suit their desires. You don’t get to their financial position being lazy and stupid. People who will work all day on their vacations to fix a place up are not all THAT selfish. Something smells in this whole story.</p>
<p>I agree with barrons in that we obviously don’t know whole story-
while my perception is that of a couple who are financially stable due to the hard work of both , although the male has a significantly less stressful job, than his wife & has a different attitude about spending.
One feels the need to save most everything, while the other feels the need to gift himself.
However- IMO, there already has been a tradeoff- or otherwise this marriage would have ended long ago, even though one is spending more, the other still felt they were getting something worthwhile in return, until this latest proposal. </p>
<p>The obvious solution was to have someone else refurbish the home. The complications and stress that are incurring because they don’t want to make that decision are avoldable.
Also avoidable is the stress that OP feels in her job, if she didn’t hate it so much, would she be so resentful and angry that her husband finds more pleasure in life?
Punishing him, isn’t going to make her happier.
She needs to find what she really wants to happen & make it so.</p>
<p>
Yes, yes, YES. Been saying this for days.</p>
<p>oops sorry I hadnt read the thread for a while. :o</p>
<p>No worries, EK. Was glad to see someone else come up with the same idea!</p>
<p>Not letting him do the project avoids the problem but doesn’t solve it. HCP is clearly bothered by a pattern of what she sees as selfishness. She needs to address the core problem.</p>
<p>My guess is if he doesn’t do the job he will be angry and the tension will just escalate.</p>
<p>Not having him do the project is a way of her setting some limits/boundaries. The anger and tension is already there. Relenting and capitulating just perpetuates the same pattern. You are right- it doesnt solve the problem-- but it puts it on page one,w here it has not been and needs to be. They can’t keep avoiding the elephant in the living room.</p>
<p>Well, there is another option besides capitulating/relenting to the Harley OR not having him do the project. She should not just give in and say, “do whatever you want with the money you earn.” So, it must be addressed in a way that is both fiscally responsible and addresses both people’s interests and concerns and find a solution. But I don’t think the answer is to have him not do the project because not only doesn’t it solve this ongoing problem, but he truly wants to do the project and her family also wants him to do the project. So, the issue is about how earnings will be used and for what purpose and how much and how to make that address both parties’ needs. So, no to capitulating, but also no to avoiding him doing a project he wants to do (and her family wants), but rather address the issue of the use of the funds in a fair, equitable, and financially responsible manner.
PS, and she should buy a toilet brush and put a bow on it and hand it to him as a gift. :D</p>
<p>But if he is as rigid as she describes and insists on the bike, then what?</p>
<p>Perhaps I’m missing something. Chilipepper’s husband is contemplating moving away from families to further his career. If so, Chilipepper will probably stay behind to sell the family home. Then she has to look for a job that pays a well as her current one. Meanwhile, hubby has to have an apt. in his new city, and a cleaning person. Lots of expenses!!! Is this really the time for an costly new toy? How can the OP not question his goals and motivation? Sure wish he’d give his input…</p>
<p>I really feel for OP.
She is very well off financially- both she and her spouse have well paying jobs with a high amount in saving and they live in an area with stable real estate.
Right there she is better off than many people in this country.
Except, she is freaked out because of future expenses like private school tuition and having an adult sibling who is disabled, not to mention internal pressure not to leave her job that is making her miserable.</p>
<p>I wonder what would happen if they just lived on one salary?
I am not going back to reread- but is the spouse against her quitting her job and going back to school or taking something that isn’t as prestigious/stressful?</p>
<p>It seems to me, that having a happier wife, would be worth less income, but perhaps being in the middle of it, makes obvious solutions more difficult to see.</p>
<p>I also don’t understand why a trust was not established long ago to manage the interests of the adult disabled child. A trust and a guardian will be needed to insure that her care is managed if she can’t do so herself.</p>
<p>Even if the parents and the spouse want to do the project- I would flat out tell the parents that right now- for the sake of their marriage- it wouldn’t be advisable.</p>
<p>In any case they need couples counseling to work this out & only when they can reach common ground should they attempt such a project. Keeping yourself busy to avoid work you need to do at home, isn’t going to make it go away.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Then it is a big problem for sure. And this may happen. But I don’t know how she can say, “you can’t work on the renovation.” In any case, this sounds like an ongoing problem and maybe seeing a counselor together would help if he’d go. </p>
<p>However, as you are a therapist, Jym, I certainly respect your advice. My post is more opinion only.</p>
<p>One other thought…if hotchilipepper is close to her parents, she could confide in them that while she’s fine with hubby doing their renovation, she is too concerned that he plans to use the funds to buy a Harley when they need some of it for other purposes and he will not budge and she desn’t want them to enable him to go ahead with that plan and it would just be better all the way around if they got someone else if husband won’t budge on using all the money up for a Harley. I’d think her mom and dad would want to support her in that.</p>
<p>Maybe she can get him a toilet brush with a Harley motif:) I might even have one custom made to look like a Harley.</p>
<p>Well, it ain’t a toilet brush, but I think the point would be made… 
[Harley</a> Logo Toilet Seat](<a href=“http://www.uniquedecoronline.com/harley-logo-toilet-seat.aspx]Harley”>http://www.uniquedecoronline.com/harley-logo-toilet-seat.aspx)
[Harley</a> Davidson Kids | Boy Bathroom Themes | Children’s Towels](<a href=“http://www.harley-davidsonkidshome.com/products_bath.html]Harley”>http://www.harley-davidsonkidshome.com/products_bath.html)
[H-D</a> Kids Bath Accessories](<a href=“http://martex.com/page/view/id/658]H-D”>http://martex.com/page/view/id/658)</p>
<p>CountingDown, now THAT is hilarious!!! </p>
<p>She could buy some of those Harley bathroom items and add a toilet brush with a bow and say, “honey, you really care about Harleys and you really care about having the bathroom looking just so, and so I got you some gifts to spiff up the decor and some cleaning items so you can keep it looking swell.”</p>
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<p>Maybe he would feel belittled and really lay into her?</p>
<p>Sorghum, how is that belittling him?? Please explain. She’d be buying him some gifts and also suggesting he keep the bathroom as he prefers since she is not so good at meeting his standards. Belittling is criticizing and putting someone down. Hopefully you see the difference.</p>
<p>The wife had a right to assert herself after being criticized when she was doing her husband a nice deed (cleaning the toilets he uses on her day off). He should have been thanking her instead. As far as the gifts go, again, he should be thanking her.</p>