<p>
Just to be perfectly clear on your views, you think it would be perfectly fine for one spouse to set up a situation where they got 100% of the assets from a divorce and the other spouse got nothing, and the spouse who would be getting nothing would be greedy if they objected to this arrangement while the spouse getting everything would be smart? Ok, then.</p>
<p>Barrons, about five minutes after our son graduated from college (2007), my husband looked at me and said “can I buy the Porsche now?” When I met him in 1982, there was a framed photo of a Porsche on his office wall which he said then “reminds me why I’m working so hard.” </p>
<p>I was just glad he waited until the kids were both out of college.</p>
<p>LOL, newhope. You are my kind of “extravagant” spender.</p>
<p>A toy is a non-essential item- purely for hobby or sport. Doesn’t matter if it cost $5 or $500,000.</p>
<p>thanks everyone for your responses, whether I am fundamentally in agreement or not!</p>
<p>I would definitely be willing to compromise on a lower priced bike there have to be some deals out there. The safety issue still worries me. We are both properly insured though, so if there was a tragedy, things would be taken care of financially. I may look into better disability coverage though. Interesting that some say 25k is not enough! eeeek!</p>
<p>Notrich not keeping score, but providing factual background information, about the source of the joint income and assets that have allowed us to purchase rental properties the first one with cash.</p>
<p>Id also like to provide a little additional information on the rental property venture this is something he had wanted to do all of our lives (his big dream), but it was not possible until around 5 or 6 years ago when we actually had enough money saved. I said show me the numbers and found that what he was finding 5 and 6 years ago were not investments. They were overpriced and not in line with the normal theory of what an investment property should be (pays for itself in a reasonable period of time, has a good rate of return, has capital appreciation potential). I told him that the price was a factor of the availability of easy mortgage money, and there would be a correction that there had to be. I was the naysayer and the evil wife who never let him have any fun. It was a bitter battle. The only reason I had any leverage was that he needed joint funds and for me to sign off on a loan I said no because I didnt believe in it. A weaker or less informed person would have probably done it because he can sell shoes to snakes which is something we all love about him.</p>
<p>The homes that he was presenting to me then are now worth ¾ to ½ of what they were selling at 5 years ago. The correction happened and now we are able to jump in and take advantage of it. So, that was his dream #1 we achieved that together through compromise. It benefits us both, but it was a leap and a risk. It still is.</p>
<p>Unchecked, his whims can be dangerous, believe me. Im in a house I never wanted, but gave into because he would never be happy in the one we had before, and there are other smaller examples. So Barrons, yes, I suppose I am the b* that wont give in to the bike. Your comment was a bit vicious.</p>
<p>Id like to make sure you all know that he is far from deprived this is just the biggest thing he has ever wanted. He has done poker tourneys, fly fishing, golf, and loves fine furniture and clothing. He has every tool imaginable and he should since he puts them to good use. He is very impressed with the appearance of wealth. </p>
<p>He has never been interested in a motorcycle until this year. Perhaps it is a good advertising campaign! My therapist said shes talked to 3 families this month about this same thing.</p>
<p>To those of you who said something along the lines of he should be supportive of my changing jobs hes not if it affects him financially. So of course I am allowed to, as long as I make the same amount of money so his lifestyle is in tact. We dont have similar material wants, and I am not impulsive, whereas he is please believe me.</p>
<p>Just to reiterate he might only earn 7-10k from this job I dont know. And he really wants to do it. This is his passion. Ive seen him do it from 7 in the morning until 10 at night. Some of you seem to be devaluing my career and time you seem to believe that this is truly his extra effort. If I work 60+ hour weeks at my job, and he works 35 at his but 25 on renovations who is to say his additional 20 hours are more valuable than mine? Do I have the choice of putting my year end bonus toward tuition or a large purchase for myself?</p>
<p>To answer another poster the home does not belong to my parents estate they are involved in settling the estate. DH will not be the only one working and slaving on it we all are. It is quite a mess. His effort will be paramount though.</p>
<p>Re: my sibling he is willing to have her live with us, which I think is a big thing, probably bigger than he knows. But, he also believes she will have a certain amount of financial support behind her I think he envisions creating an apartment for her so her space can be separate. I am not sure that will work depending on the level of care required. She may or may not have financial support. Things look good at this point, but nursing homes for parents can eat that right up. I might not outlive any of them who knows. </p>
<p>There have been other dreams, but none of them have come with sacrifice from him. He wanted rental properties earlier in life I said fine…but only if our mortgage is X. He didnt want a house on that side of town, or that small, or to wait for large down payment. D1 is at OOS public a compromise between high private tuition (his wish) and low in-state. D2 is at private middle and HS same as D1 public not good enough for him. Mind you our 150 thousandth dollar just went to that school. I do like the school very much my mother went there, and the kids thrived there. I went to our public, which ranks high in our state.</p>
<p>I think of dollars as life energy. 25,000 is 50,000 of income. How much time of ours is that?</p>
<p>Coach bag? I take my cousins hand me downs. Lily Pulitzer? Second hand. Prom and other formal gowns for D1? Not one was new. But that is sport for me. Its fun. Fortunately, D1 thought so as well, and is drop dead gorgeous so she would look good in a burlap bag with a pretty ribbon.</p>
<p>Very ironically, the woman whose estate we are inheriting had a spend thrift husband. I rode on the back of his short lived Harley. I am now looking through the papers of his failed business and their personal bankruptcy. It was a business that could have been successful had he made a few sacrifices (not buying the building but renting at first, and other things). Her voice echoes in my head but he was my husband, I should support him through anything. The voice in my head says not if hes a numb nut. He left her at age 60 for another woman. She died of cirrhosis.</p>
<p>Ive had another ironic flashback when we married, rather young we had negative nothing, plus his college debt. I think we had 3k in wedding gifts. He wanted a $700 mountain bike. I objected. He bought it anyway. </p>
<p>It is about the bike, and its relative value to our liquid net worth. It is also about the energy it has taken to fight the whims.</p>
<p>Let me ask you this sylvan. What is your position on prenuptual agreements in a case where one of the partners has significant assets, a paid off house for instance?</p>
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<p>But they aren’t a Harley…I don’t know what it is about Harleys but it seems that a surprisingly number of people my age (grew up in the 60s and 70s) pine for one desperately and often get one when they become, well, my age now. </p>
<p>Could you get a used Harley or lease a Harley or buy a Harley that has been returned at the end of its lease. I was driving down the freeway yesterday and noticed that Harleys are now being leased for $XXX/month.</p>
<p>So from the OP’s original post, it sounds like this has been a problem from day one:</p>
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</p>
<p>And 20 years of this behavior must result in a great deal of resentment. </p>
<p>My ex was more materialistic than myself. As a previous poster alluded to, he valued inantimate objects over my own feelings. But the thing is, he would have never spent the money if I didn’t approve. Yes, it wasn’t financially prudent, but I wanted him to be happy, and his main way of getting a short term fix of happiness was to acquire something. Alas, it was a bottomless pit, and no amount of things would have made him a happy person.</p>
<p>Money issues did not end our marriage (well, part of it was his refusal to give up a business that was hemorrhaging money while I continued to support the family). I would have been extremely upset if he spent those kinds of sums without my ok.</p>
<p>The OP has not resolved this issue in 20 years of marriage. The choices are: continue to put up with it and stew about it, insist on counseling, or planning, or divorce. It will take some doing for OP’s H to understand that what he’s been doing for 20 years is no longer acceptable. If that is the OP’s goal.</p>
<p>NEM, So, please excuse me if this is too personal but why don’t your H and his friend alone? It would cut the cost greatly.</p>
<p>Of course, if you cannot afford it then that is that.</p>
<p>
How many time you been married, barrons???</p>
<p>HPC, pardon me if this seems harsh, but your posts just teem with pent up frustration and resentment. At the same time you seem to acknowledge that your husband’s good points. He is a hard worker, he is creative. I find the notion that he wants and ASSUMES that your sister will live with you incredibly touching. His notion of building a separate apartment suggests that he is looking for a way to care for her while respecting her privacy and her needs. I suspect he wants to do the work – maybe he sees it as a gift to her. One thing in your posts that made me really sad was this statement
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You seem to be saying that you know and understand his deepest issues,but you don’t care enough to help him with them. I don’t know that that is true.</p>
<p>From everything you have written it sounds like you have a good husband, a man willing to work, with a great capacity for love. But you have an issue and one I suspect has been running deep in your marriage. I think couples therapy may in order here, you appear to have a good thing mixed with deep frustration. There is hope.</p>
<p>For me, the big issue would be the bike. There are enough reasonable risks in life already, and enough great things you can buy with 25K. To use that kind of money when you don’t have a tremendous amount to spare, to buy a toy to go kill yourself on…would create alot of resentment for me. If it was a car, a boat, a hot tub, a great vacation, I’m okay with it. A bike is just purely selfish. As you can see, we’ve had this discussion.</p>
<p>lololu, at a certain point, a person has to want to help themselves. We’ve discussed it, and he won’t do anything. He feels it’s ok to be this way.</p>
<p>Your voice is particularly poignant and valid on this topic, busdriver, since your profession has its inherent risks associated with it. I respect that you consider bikes dangerous, speaking as one who flies big birds. That is powerful to me (again admitting I hate bikes. Did I mention I hate bikes??)</p>
<p>pugmadkate, I actually suggested that DH goes without me. He’ll know a few people there in a addition to his friend. He dismissed this idea. I think that he’ll feel guilty about it. BTW, of course paying plane fares are expensive, but if the friend wants this so much, then he should pay for it. I feel like I am being twisted to pay a lot of money for something that I won’t enjoy.</p>
<p>
Would that compromise in this case be a mobile home? ;)</p>
<p>HPC, He may be okay with it, but your not. If you want this to last you may have to take a risk and fight for it. I’m just saying that even you seem to acknowledge that while there is this HUGH issue, there are good points to the man and the marriage. Are you sure you want that to just fade away? You need to find a way to tell him you want to work on this, but you need his help. I don’t know how to go about this, it is not something I’ve had to do, but it really does appear from your posts that you are looking more for a way to fight for a good thing then to just give up.</p>
<p>Maybe the question you want to asking on this forum is
“Someone who fought through a big issue to save a marriage, how did you do it?”</p>
<p>Only if that mobile home can pop a wheelie at 70mph.</p>
<p>This is starting to remind me of the thread about sticking with your man no matter what.</p>
<p>I think the OP is taking abuse because she framed this as a problem with the Harley. The problem is clearly much bigger and has been festering. The Harley sounds like the last straw.</p>
<p>Clearly barron’s divorces went better than most–almost all I know who are not wealthy took big financial hits. So in a marriage where you make equal money, the irony here is a divorce will probably leave you
less financially secure.</p>
<p>Sounds like some marital counseling is in order. See if you can resolve the conflicts and the unhappiness with your job situation. I do understand that the Harley seems Insulting when you’d like the support to quit.</p>
<p>Maybe you can work it out or maybe you need to move forward with someone who is a better match for your secure future. Despite what’s often written here, there can be much happy ess after divorce:)</p>
<p>Actually, I was picturing it doing donuts in the mobile home park.</p>
<p>DH also has the motorcycle bug, I think its an age thing. You can get a Harley for 16-18k new. Use the rest to up the life insurance and let him have it. JMO</p>