<p>yep, jym, I’m with you there on hating bikes. It seems that everyone I know who has been killed (as opposed to natural causes) has been on a motorcycle or in an airplane. I read that if you drive a motorcycle, there is a 1 out of 50 chance that will be what kills you. The problem is, you just don’t see them when you’re driving. For some reason, even if you’re totally alert, they are just invisible!</p>
<p>Good luck to you two, I hope you work it out.</p>
<p>*In our marriage, anything over $500 takes two “yes” votes. *</p>
<p>I think many marriages have some dollar amount…whether it’s $100 or $500. I can’t imagine ANY non-wealthy family having a dollar amount of over $1000 (and certainly not $25,000) that doesn’t require two “yes” votes.</p>
<p>I guess the question should be…does Hot Chili Pepper and her spouse have any kind of money threshold that needs dual approval?</p>
<p>I agree with the idea that each spouse should have some “MOMO” money. That is “Money of My Own” which he/she can spend (or save for something later) without the other spouse’s judgments, comments, or approval. </p>
<p>Of course, a “non-rich” family wouldn’t have $25k in MOMO money. LOL But, each spouse might have $100 a month (more or less) of MOMO money…depending on each family’s income/budget.</p>
<p>Dr. Joyce Brothers advocated MOMO money for each spouse many, many years ago. it’s a good idea.</p>
<p>I don’t think a divorce is necessary in this case. We’re not talking about something that a well-respected 3rd party person or two couldn’t get some kind of agreement, compromise, budget worked out.</p>
<p>I think this family needs two different experts…a qualified counselor and a financial planner. The counselor should be one that’s trained to take a life-history intake (not all therapists are so trained.) </p>
<p>He grew up deprived.</p>
<p>That’s why a therapist who is WELL trained in looking at family history and doing a thorough family history intake is needed.</p>
<p>
That’s an interesting hypothetical, Pea. I can think of two scenarios:</p>
<p>1) He’s filthy rich. I sign a prenup which says in the event of divorce I get a nice $X dollar settlement depending on how long married (reasonable time, not days or anything like that). X has 7 figures. 'S all good.</p>
<p>2) He has moderate assets, say a middle class house that is paid for. We plan to live there. He wants total value of the house if divorced. In this case, I would expect there to be some kind of sunset on the agreement, maybe graduated in by so many percent per year, or something like that. Since there would not be other income coming in from this “house”, we would be living on what we made ourselves. After putting in 20 years of scrubbing, painting, papering, decorating, bailing water out of the sump trying to save the basement, battling to save trees in a snowstorm, paying for upgrades, insurance, taxes, etc. I would expect that I had earned the right to claim a share of it.</p>
<p>Just one divorce actually. Sold and split a nice house profit. I kept the dog and the car with payments as I made more money. I took us about 10 minutes and well under $1000 in legal. And a few girlfriends who did not share some of my non-negotiable interests. That’s fine as I did not share some of theirs either. Yet over the years I have had more than one phone call about–let’s give it another shot. Not interested. But nice about it. Guess it did work as my current wife was my HS girlfriend. But she waited the longest to get back in touch too–35 years or so. So far so good. She likes to gamble and spends around $5000-10000 a year on that less some winnings. Maybe $5000 net. Now to me THAT is a waste but it’s OK. We go to Vegas and I watch football games and bet $50/game while she plays. Then we have a great meal which we both love. We both come home happy.</p>
<p>Sylvan, are you living in these houses rent free?</p>
<p>hotchili might want to read–“dating someone 30 years older”. If a man is even moderately together and successful there are a fair number of much younger women who will find them just fine. Just saying.</p>
<p>^^^So, barrons, is your philosophy that a wife should submit to anything the husband wants, does, or controls, because after all, he can find a much younger woman just fine??</p>
<p>Only if he has money, Barrons, and in this case I don’t think the gold diggers will be swarming. Works both ways, she will have the same financial picture. It’s the age of the cougar, so I’m betting she’d have more fun:)</p>
<p>OP: I think you have to take this issue to marriage counseling. Your H is firmly on one side, thinking the $25,000 motorcycle purchase is fine despite having two Ds still in college and private school. You think it is not fine financially. The safety aspect is HUGE and should be discussed thoroughly in counseling. Life insurance should be upped and complete disability coverage in place before any ride on the motorcycle takes place.</p>
<p>You have a choice: you can try to accept your H is going to do this, and you will have to adjust and accept. Or, you can draw a line in the sand, and say, no, not acceptable and we as a team aren’t doing that. Then you may have to make some hard further choices. I think you are moving toward option B. </p>
<p>I feel it isn’t financially responsible or taking proper responsibility as a father to be on a motorcycle. I would draw the line in the sand over the safety issue myself.</p>
<p>
Red, I assume you mean the hypothetical from post #164? In which case, no, read the post. There’s always property tax, insurance, maintenance, repairs, upgrades, etc. to be paid for. Even if you own a property outright, you don’t live there for free.</p>
<p>I have no doubt once released from my clutches that quite a few women would find him just fine. That won’t factor in to whatever I choose to do.</p>
<p>Assume for the sake of argument that my prospects are excellent as well - because they are.</p>
<p>*Assume for the sake of argument that my prospects are excellent as well - because they are. *</p>
<p>Well of course they are…you’re a hot chili pepper! </p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>A few posters have asked about having a threshold for joint decisions…yes, we have. It’s around $500. I believe he is rationalizing the purchase without joint approval because he is obtaining the funds via side jobs.</p>
<p>I think you analogies to your potential use of a work bonus you earn, and the equal # of work hours (60), whether in one job or 2, are spot on. </p>
<p>I tend to be a bit of a worrier, like you seem to be. I do engage in “what if” thinking. But that said, your financial descriptions, with potential big college loan debt (is this current or predicted?) and potential financial/personal/time responsibilities for your sister, not to mention possibly caring for your parents too (this is time consuming-- I have been doing it for 6 years), and wanting/needing to have a comfortable nestegg for your own retirement makes any $25k expenditure, especially for an unnecessary toy, unjustified. Tell him you will support buying a bike-- if it has no engine but only pedals and a bell :)</p>
<p>Ah, you’ve thought about your prospects. I’ve gleaned from early on that you’ve been thinking of getting out of this marriage long before the bike. There is one foot out the door when you’ve sized up prospects.</p>
<p>As many have said, counseling is probably a good next step. For me it very much helped me see the prospects of my marriage becoming what I wanted were bleak. For others it puts the marriage back together. Either way, it will help you both not to live with resentment.</p>
<p>*A few posters have asked about having a threshold for joint decisions…yes, we have. It’s around $500. I believe he is rationalizing the purchase without joint approval because he is obtaining the funds via side jobs. *</p>
<p>Earnings from “side jobs” are still not “personal money.” Side jobs take time away from family and other household responsibilities.</p>
<p>Spouses who work 2 jobs or lots of overtime often cause the other spouse to have to work more hours at home or with the children (unpaid, of course), because the 2-job-spouse can’t do their share of home and child responsibilities.</p>
<p>Your bonus money is a good analogy because it’s payment for additional unpaid hours worked. </p>
<p>However, you could also use the argument that you could also take on a side job - which would mean that YOU would be at home less hours and therefore unable to do much/any of the things you now do at home (cook? laundry? clean? grocery shop? whatever). </p>
<p>Would he think it’s fair for you to take on a side job - which would cause him to have to do more at home - while you got to keep/spend your extra earnings however you wanted?</p>
<p>My H works a LOT of overtime, yet he knows that that extra money is NOT his. He knows that I have to do more at home because he’s not around to do anything. </p>
<p>As for the idea of a motorcycle… Early in our marriage, there were 2 things that I stated that I couldn’t handle…motorcycle riding and sky-diving. H understood that those activities are just too risky for a husband/father. Years later, my H’s 2 good friends were permanently paralyzed and brain-damaged from accidents…one on a motorcycle and one from a helicopter crash from a stupid maneuver that the friend made around power lines (my H was supposed to be on that flight!!). Needless to say my H painfully realizes that risky behaviors are not a good idea for husbands/fathers.</p>
<p>I didn’t take the OP’s comments about “prospects” to mean she was actively looking at new partners, but rather that in general, “prospects” were good (meaning perhaps that she has self confidence and feels she has a lot to offer). OP, can you clarify? I haven’t read every post in this thread, but I didn’t get the feeling you had one foot out the door, but rather that you were peeved at your H right now.</p>
<p>*** As an aside, I am not keen on sky-diving, but my H and both s’s took a “guys day” adventure and all went sky-diving together. I was not pleased, but they did it. Idiot here sent older s a coupon for 1/2 price off sky-diving at that same place. I thought (hoped) I’d <em>accidentally</em> sent him the link too late in the evening for him to buy the deal, but it made it in time, and he bought a voucher 
)</p>
<p>I didn’t take the OP’s comments about “prospects” to mean she was actively looking at new partners,</p>
<p>I thought it meant that if she were to divorce, she wouldn’t be some wallflower. I thought she meant that she’s pretty good looking and would likely have her share of male attention as well if she were to become single. I didn’t mean to suggest that she was prowling around now…LOL</p>
<p>An earlier post from someone suggested that many newly single guys easily have women throwing themselves at them which I thought was a suggestion that if the OP were to divorce, she might be upset to see how many women show interest in her husband. So, I thought her response was that she, too, would have interest coming from the opposite sex. </p>
<p>But…perhaps I read too much between the lines…LOL</p>
<br>
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<p>I have a 60-year-old friend that has been single for quite a while and, yes, there are
women that throw themselves at single men (he’s a millionaire, good-looking, athletic,
stable job, kids are grown and out of the house, paid-up house). But he’s short.</p>
<p>He’s tried the various dating scenes out there. The ones that throw themselves at
you aren’t the ones that he wants as they have issues (want someone to raise their
kids, haven’t taken care of themselves, emotionally stressed out, etc.) Women at that
age that are attractive and/or athletic without other issues or with minor issues and that have their act together (financially, educationally, kids, etc.) are taken. Successful men and women at that age are picky and that can also mean lonely.</p>