<p>“Parents are supposed to set high goals.”
Hi? yes? But they should be reachable, should they not?
is it reasonable for a parent to be so disappointed if their HS baseball prodigy does not become a major league player? no because only a small % accomplish that.
Same goes for admission to HYPS- only a very small % accomplish that.
And when that goal is not reached due to circumstances beyond the applicants control, the reaction should NOT be- My parents are so disappointed in ME! But too many times we have read posts that Asian parents are ashamed of the student or blame the student.
How healthy is that?</p>
<p>Seriously, “Indian parents don’t care how people raise their kids”??? What the heck is this ridiculous thread about then, IP? Look at your original question!! What a riot.</p>
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<p>Because the nature of the beast is that bright and deserving kids get turned away from the most elite colleges all of the time, because there simply isn’t enough room for them to accommodate all their talented applicants. Therefore, it is inappropriate and mean-spirited to make someone who has worked hard and tried his / her best feel “bad” for not having made the luck of the draw. </p>
<p>Especially when making the most elite colleges isn’t necessary for success in this country. This is the biggest cultural assumption / divide I see between America and some other cultures – it’s really hard for some other cultures to take the leap of faith and realize that you can do just fine in life in America if you’re a hard worker, good with people but only have a degree from Decent Flagship University. They don’t believe it, because it’s not what they grew up with. But it really is true over here. Economy and all, we still are the land of opportunity, and not just limited opportunities for certain credentials.</p>
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<p>Why is 6 hours of piano and squash a matter of personal whim and unacceptable, but 6 hours of school a completely different matter? It’s simply a matter of social norms. I don’t force my kid to take out the trash or call grandma. But I don’t claim that you kept your kids under your thumb because you did so. I understand that in your cultural more those are important things. </p>
<p>But we have been talking past each other for a long time now. You will never understand that things that you can’t fathom because of lack of openness to other cultures may just be fine. But you do realize how negatively people respond when their culture is criticized, don’t you? Witness this thread.</p>
<p>If there was no law, then would you let your kids not go to school?
OH for gods sake IP!
This is a COLLEGE FORUM! It’s for parents who have an interest in COLLEGE, I.E EDUCATION for their children! Do you never edit anything you type? Do you never stop and think before you post something as stupid as that was???
Stop asking questions just to get a rise out of posters.
When you grow up and are ready to treat us with respect and not just those you can verbally joust with, then you may earn respect from us.</p>
<p>IP - my kids (twins) happened to have both applied Early Decision to two particular colleges, both generally considered elite by CC standards. In the minutes before the decision was posted, H and I made a point of telling our kids that we were proud of the effort that they made in putting their applications forth, and all of the work that went behind it, both in terms of academics and extracurriculars, and in our book it didn’t matter if they got into these places or not, because a) they’d already shown their character by the hard work they put in, and b) if they didn’t get into these schools – which were their dream schools – they’d likely get into some other good schools and do just fine in life. And I can say that we were not just saying this to pre-empt anything – we genuinely meant what we said.</p>
<p>Would you have said that, while waiting for your son to hear from his top choice college or conservatory? Or would you have communicated to him that he needed to reach his goal otherwise you’d be disappointed in him?</p>
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<p>I look around me and see not a single person from a Directional State U. Now, I know what your response would be. You would just redefine success. Thing is, you can’t define success for anyone but yourself. If others have a different metric of success, as much as it upsets you, you have to open your mind to it. It is the same thing people told me on this thread, that I need to open my eye to the possibility that success for some may be waiting tables, and that’s just fine. If you told my son, for example, that graduating from a second rate conservatory will be fine for him because he can become a music teacher, you would be doing him a disservice, as the kid wants to be the next Emmanuel Ax. Is there luck involved in it? Absolutely. But the goal needs to be set at an even higher level, because if you aim for the stars you reach the treetop. If OTOH you tell yourself every day that it is a crap shoot and cut yourself slack in advance to accommodate the possibility that you don’t make it, you for sure won’t make it. </p>
<p>But we have talked about this a lot before. We are just talking past each other at this point.</p>
<p>Because your 6 hours of piano and squash is on top of the 6 hours of school, that’s why. Because a good life motto is everything in moderation. There’s a time to focus on schoolwork and / or practice, and there’s a time to just let a young boy be a kid and goof off and climb trees and ride bikes and watch TV. Too much of either side isn’t healthy.</p>
<p>IndianParent - </p>
<p>What I perceive with the problem here, is that you have come to this website, with the intention of debating parenting styles and choices. Almost everyone here is here because they have questions about the college application process and find that the collective wisdom of CC is invaluable, even if they don’t always agree with each other. I really can’t think of any other member who has come to this site, without the intention of expanding their resources about colleges. Some trolls do come, just to start trouble, but certainly haven’t engaged this community with thread after thread like you have. </p>
<p>Can you not see why CC members are frustrated with your participation here? Your child is way too young to be worrying about most of the issues most of the members here are posting about. There are lots of websites out there, specifically for parent issues across the board, that do not focus on the college application process. We are here to help one another out, offer suggestions, lend an ear, commiserate, congratulate and celebrate. While I don’t have an exact figure, I’d bet that 90% of what goes on, on CC, is related to colleges. Of the 10% that isn’t (or whatever that figure is), it comes from people who arrived here with a different purpose than you have. Which makes some of us feel like pawns in a chess game - like we’re here for your entertainment. And that’s insulting and offensive. </p>
<p>Parents (I can’t speak for high schoolers, since I’m not one) on this board have different values, expectations, and goals for their kids, but they can almost always find someone else who can validate their situation. That’s the beauty of this board; I can respect and honor that four different kids were accepted at a top school, but each took very different paths to get there based on their family of origin’s values. I might even take a little insight from this kids path, and a little insight from that kids path and offer them as options to my own kid. But it’s my kid that has to make the final decision, in collaboration with us as her parents. </p>
<p>Perhaps if you had come here, as the majority of us do, looking to learn more about the college application process, offering back the things you learned while on your own path with your kid (which you really can’t do since you’ve made it clear that he has no intention of going to college - in fact, I think someone - may have been me - suggested you check out the music major forum; have you even been there yet?). While we are all mostly parents here (in the Parent Cafe and Parent’s Forum), it is not a forum to debate parenting styles. Yes, occasionally it comes up, usually in the context of applying to schools, but that was never the intended outcome of this website. </p>
<p>Like I said, just about everyone here, is here to discuss the college search process, and only then, do they then wander into the Cafe or Forum… heck, I think I was here for over two years before I found the Cafe and Forum.</p>
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<p>Really? Well, then you haven’t really been exposed to much of America, or many career paths outside your own, which apparently is heavily dependent on specific colleges. Trust me, I can drive down a street of million-dollar homes and plenty of their owners went to State U or even Directional State U. Because if money is the end definition of success for the sake of argument, there are lots of career paths and ways of making money, and only some of those are ones in which having an elite degree and / or being a STEM major is necessary. I think you just don’t have a lot of experience outside your own given field.</p>
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<p>Neither. My parents were not holding my hands when the IIT entrance exam results came out. I was too old for that nonsense. I was having girl trouble at that time and was in no mood to check results, and had actually taken off the city to go visit one of the Indian reserve forests with some other friends. Some friends saw my name and came and told my parents. I found it out a week later via postcard that I collected from the park ranger. </p>
<p>Oh the memories.</p>
<p>Seriously, when my son is that age I don’t expect to be doing anything for him. My job is to make sure that he he doesn’t stray from the path that has been laid out my his teachers and coaches. There is a Sanskrit saying that you have only right to your work, and not to the results. My goal is to make sure that he does his work. The result? That’s irrelevant. It’s the hard work that matters. Results usually follow. I am a firm believer that people make their own luck.</p>
<p>In my youth a friend who wanted to become a journalist was told by his father to major in business or find college funding elsewhere. He capitulated, had an unhappy college experience and is marginally employed in business to this day. His friends majored in Philosophy and English and became judges and attorneys. The issue then was process versus product. Those who followed process and studied what interested them ended up enjoying the process and obtaining success. We didn’t care about job planning but knew if we could read and understand Kant, Shakespeare, Aristotle and the other masters, a career or job would find us-and that’s what happened.</p>
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<p>My kid wants to be president of the United States. And I’m not kidding. OK, he’s off to a good start doing extracurricular activities and internships that relate to politics, and he’s off to a fine university. But how, precisely, am I supposed to facilitate that goal, and is it my job as a mother to tell him that his goal, indeed, should be president?</p>
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<p>I, too, am a believer that people make their own luck – see, common ground? There’s another saying to the effect of “The harder I work, the luckier I seem to get.” I get that.</p>
<p>However, so much of the tonality of your posts sounds like the metaphorical whip. You keep saying that certain goals of his are true, authentic, generated-by-him … proficiency in math, music, and squash. But if those are his goals, why wouldn’t he naturally want to put in whatever time it takes to increase proficiency? Why does it require a taskmaster? </p>
<p>I have found my kids do their best work – in anything – when they set their own minds towards a goal – then they are unstoppable. But me pushing my goals for them down their throats? Doesn’t work at all.</p>
<p>hey IP, I wonder how many permutations of this thread you can make. I’ll bet that you could start 10 more and just cut and paste from your previous 1200 posts, you should try it.</p>
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<p>IP, I’m done “discussing” things with you because while claiming others “just don’t get it,” you repeatedly twist what others say. </p>
<p>I didn’t make ANY claim WHATSOEVER as to whether or not Indians care how others raise their child; I think you realize that. Indians may not care how American ex-pats in India raise their children. I certainly don’t care how international ex-pats in NYC (where I live) raise their children. </p>
<p>But that’s quite different than an American living in India going onto a message board in India designed for Indian parents and bashing the way the way they raise their children and claiming that no Indian school anywhere in India has adequate educational standards or is rigorous enough to challenge my child and that my child is vastly superior to theirs. In other words, there’s a big difference between caring how Indian ex-pats here choose to raise their children–I don’t–and getting offended when someone from another country criticizes Americans generally and me specifically for how I raise my child in remarks directed to me and/or Americans, not their fellow ex-pats from the same country. </p>
<p>You’re not a stupid person–you must “get” the difference–and so I can only assume you just enjoy provoking people for the sake of provoking them. In other words, you’re a ■■■■■.</p>
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<p>We have gone over this before as well. Of course he doesn’t know what it takes. If he did he wouldn’t need a coach.</p>
<p>Lima, Want to do a permutation problem? By the way the geometry homework is done and I will go to bed soon. So ask me quickly if you want one.</p>
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<p>That’s where I disagree. Moderation is for the average. Besides, we have gone over this before. Not all kids want to goof off or climb trees or ride bikes. Shocking, isn’t it?</p>
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<p>It’s a great goal. I like your kid. That’s the kind of goal kids should have. Nurture him. I don’t know how, but drop everything and nurture him. That’s your role as a mother.</p>