<p>^^^I don’t understand…</p>
<p>^ you first post that you were upset that the wife expected you to pay…but then post that the wife wanted the bill split but her friends insisted otherwise. If you were upset at anyone, it should have been with the other friends, not the wife…unless I’m reading this wrong</p>
<p>In a thread back a few months ago I discussed a friend who changed the intent of a get-together, to make it about her husbands birthday instead of it being as a thank you for our hospitality, so it would have potentially ended up with our treating them instead of vice versa</p>
<p>As I mentioned in that thread, the “ladies” tend to go out to lunch and treat the birthday girl (though I somehow got shortchanged this year-- treated everyone else for their birthday and some other pseudo excuse for paying for someone elses meal, but mine got “skipped”) but we do NOT tradtionally take the husband out for his birthday and pay for his/their meal. I think its tacky to all go out to eat and then have someone pressure the guests to pay for someone elses meal when it had not been aranged in advance… But thats just me. I’d do it (i.e. I’d pay) but I’d not be happy with that scenario.</p>
<p>The wife expected us to pay for our meals, which was bizarre to me since she was throwing her husband a birthday party. When her friend suggested for all of us to pay for her and her husband, and she went along with it, that was just an icing.</p>
<p>I guess it is just what people are accustom to. I think it is gauche to expect guests to pay.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort. I think hosts of a gathering are expected to pay the bill and I think it was inappropriate and awkward for the other invitee to obligate oldfort to also take on the expense of the hosts’ dinners.</p>
<p>If I invite someone to lunch/dinner, I always insist on paying. Many times people want to split the bill, but I feel since I extended the invite, I should bear the costs. If that person wasn’t eating with me, they might be at home making a sandwich with fixings from their kitchen.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, other people don’t feel the same way as me. A wealthy cheap woman insisted we go to a restaurant while shopping for school things and ordered liquor, appetizers, and of course, said we should split the bill. I was not happy about having to pay 15 bucks for my 5 dollar burrito.</p>
<p>What irks me even more is that these people refuse to leave reasonable tips. They’ll spend 10 bucks on a margarita, but will give the waitress a dollar tip. Knowing that most wait staff make below minimum wage and rely on tips, H and I always tip generously. Only when we get poor service do we give the minimum suggested tip.</p>
<p>My DH has a tendency to pick up the bill and pay (as some cc’ers know). He is probably so used to being expected to pay for everything when he was growing up with and lived with his brother, that its second nature (but thats another story). </p>
<p>So this weekend a friend had a ladies night (Friday night) to celebrate her birthday. That was lovely. A mutual friend flew in from out of town to be with her for the week. They had a very nice visit. I suggested that we could all have dinner together last night (Saturday) and they agreed. So I cancelled dinner plans that my DH and I had with another couple. When it came time to finalize dinner plans last night, my friend tried to get me to ditch my DH again with some silly excuse that he wouldn’t want to hear the girls giggle. I decided to be a little firm and let her know I really was not comfortable excluding my DH both Fri and Sat night (there was NO reason to exclude him). And of course, not only did we have a very enjoyable evening (both of the other friends know my DH), but… of course… he picked up the tab. I hope my friend had a little egg on her face.</p>
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<p>I don’t disagree with this. However, it depends on how the invitation is extended. If a friend casually says “Let’s all meet for dinner Saturday night. It’s Bill’s birthday,” I wouldn’t go expecting to be treated. If she said, “I’d love for you to join us for dinner Saturday to celebrate Bill’s birthday,” then I’d expect something different. </p>
<p>My point was directed more at the reaction.I wouldn’t be so horrified by the awkwardness or inappropriateness of it that I would hold a grudge or not socialize with them as a couple again.</p>
<p>Just to clarify, I have lots of friends who say, “Wouldn’t it be fun to have lunch or meet for dinner?”. When we decide to do that, we pay for ourselves, but when I ask friends to join me for a celebration of “ME” then I think I’m paying for it and I make sure I do.</p>
<p>cartera–we cross-posted. I think it does depend on how it is extended.</p>
<p>Back to the original theme: At my best friend’s wedding, a husband and wife were each wearing a large pin with their young kids’ pictures on them. The couple seemed unhappy and many of us assumed the kids had been missing (a la an ad for missing and exploited children) or kidnapped. Nope. The couple were just angry their kids had not been invited to the wedding.</p>
<p>vitrac, that takes the (wedding) cake. Why do people feel the need to be so vindictive about others’ choices for their wedding?</p>
<p>@cartera45. I was the one who got the invite, and I knew how the invite was extended, and in that circumstance I expected to be a guest. On the other hand, if I liked the lady it probably wouldn’t be as big of a deal. </p>
<p>I am at a point of my life that I only sped time with people I like. It is no longer I do it because it is “the right thing to do.” I have no problem just saying no to some invites.</p>
<p>^^@ Vitrac - That is simply horrible! Way to take attention from the B&G and make it about the kids who weren’t invited. By wearing the pins it’s obviously and invitation for others to ask about them and give the guests and opportunity to complain/bad-mouth the B&G at their own wedding!! If they felt so strongly the appropriate choice would have been to RSVP “not attending”. If they really felt slighted they could include a note as to why (although I think that’s in poor taste, but certainly better then what they ultimately did).</p>
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The devil is in the details. You simply don’t care for her, and this didn’t help matters. You don’t owe anyone here an explanation. Absolutely your choice to choose not to associate with her further. It’s a shame as you do enjoy the husbands friendship, although I believe you said you still socialize with him individually.</p>
<p>Vitrac–I can’t imagine inviting someone to my wedding that would do that. they couldn’t have been friends.</p>
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<p>I think the main issues are the following:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>No agreement was set before the wedding and the wife’s friends effectively pressured oldfort to pay for their own meal and for the birthday couple. to act this way. </p></li>
<li><p>Most of friends and wife were relative/complete strangers to oldfort. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>While I normally would expect to pay for the birthday boy/girl, I’m also of the opinion that if there are some folks who are relative strangers/previously unknown to the majority of friends and one of the hosts, they shouldn’t be obligated to be pressured to pay…and it is wrong of them to impose this expectation on her. </p>
<p>In situations where friends do treat the birthday boy/couple, it is usually done only after some sort of understanding was made beforehand and all the friends are close longtime friends with each other.</p>
<p>There are lots of people who are offended if their dogs aren’t invited everywhere.</p>
<p>I find it annoying when guests ask if they can bring a friend along to a dinner party, especially if this is done at the last minute. This is not outrageous, just annoying. :)</p>
<p>This is another situation where the devil is in the details - formal dinner party vs casual, close friend vs casual acquaintance, unexpected out of town visitor, etc. Of course the host can always say no, that she only planned for the guests who were invited, but that can appear petty and cause hurt feelings.</p>
<p>One person I’m thinking of in particular does this frequently, so she has gotten the impression the host doesn’t mind. In this case the guest is single and her circle of friends do lots of things spontaneously. So if one of her friends calls her up to get together at the last minute, instead of saying she already has something planned she’ll just ask the host if her friend can tag along.</p>
<p>^^^That’s different. It’s last minute, and she already has plans with someone. Asking if she can incorporate the someone into the new plans isn’t offensive. If the answer is no, she can just continue with her old plans.</p>