<p>Amazing thread. Talking about expectations.</p>
<p>Wow zoose. Just wow… I hope no one hurt themselves on the glass :/</p>
<p>This was a NYC club-going crowd and I think the fact that this was a wedding escaped them.</p>
<p>Years ago we were invited by a sibling and family to spend a weekend at their lake house for a family reunion. We happily accepted, not knowing that while most of the family was to be put in the big house, we and another sibling’s family were to be sent to a tiny island accessible only by boat. We had nothing to do, no way to go anywhere (the boat stayed at the main house), and had to keep a constant watch on our kids, the youngest of whom was 18 months. To top it off, the house had white carpeting, even under the kitchen table, and the host pulled a total fit when he arrived and found two cheerios on the floor. The host didn’t understand how we could possibly decline his invitation the next year. “But it was so much funnn!” Uh, no, it wasn’t.</p>
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We were "invited’ to join friends at their kids only bar mitzvah party. They made it sound like they were inviting just few special friends. Turns out we were brought in to chaperone.</p>
<p>A different twist on children at weddings: My cousin and his bride had a black tie wedding. It was out of state for the groom’s family; about 8 hours from his hometown. His 5 year old niece is the flower girl. No one told the parents of the little girl ahead of time that she couldn’t come to the reception. No babysitter was lined up. The parents and the flower girl left right after the ceremony. Bride and groom were puzzled as to why they were so upset. I think they thought that the little girl could just stay in the hotel room (the reception was in the hotel). I have no problem with excluding children from a wedding (although I like having them there) but please…some consideration for your wedding party.</p>
<p>Sue22, it sounds like you were exiled!</p>
<p>Thank you 3bm103. Your SIL story made me feel so much better. She sounds like a real winner. Mine are in good company.</p>
<p>We planned a post-service luncheon for our D’s Bat Mitzvah, and invited about 40 people. At my FIL’s special request, we included his widowed first cousin, someone we hadn’t seen in years. I included “and guest” in the invitation in case he was seeing someone. Next thing you know, I get a call from him, asking if he can bring his two adult sons and their girlfriends as his “guests”. Now we hadn’t set eyes upon the sons, or even heard anything about them, since they were little boys (I don’t think we even knew their names), and certainly didn’t know their girlfriends. I politely explained that we didn’t have room for three extra guests and that other second cousins (or cousins once removed, or whatever they were) had not been invited, so it would sow family discord to include some and not others. He seemed okay with that, then proceeded to inform that entire side of the family about what a nasty bi%ch I was…Sorry, but when you are hosting a relatively small event to mark a milestone in your kid’s life, you want close family and friends to be there, not total strangers. But what do I know–I’m a nasty bi%ch!</p>
<p>I was the rude guest once. When I was in law school, my boyfriend and I and two other couples were fairly inseparable. The guys were lifelong friends. One of them was getting married and the other two guys were in the wedding. The wedding was local. My boyfriend and the other groomsman made the mistake of asking the bride and groom if we (the girlfriends) were invited to the rehearsal dinner. They said “of course” without even thinking. I made the mistake of not questioning it. I didn’t know what had been planned for the dinner. The dinner was a fancy sit down dinner at the Officer’s Club. When we got there, there was no place for us. It was just family and the wedding party. I was mortified. They had to squeeze us in and set places at the table, while all the other guests watched. The host and hostess were incredibly gracious and made us feel very welcome. We knew everyone very well and I think they felt sorry for us when they saw the look on our faces. I would have been happy to sit under the table. I will never forget how embarrassed I was. I was also furious with my boyfriend and the groom for being so nonchalant about it.</p>
<p>I have to add one to this thread and it’s a doozy, involving the same couple three years apart. At our wedding, a grad school classmate’s fiancee walks up to my wife and asks if she can have her wedding gown for her own wedding which was three months after ours. It wasn’t a financial thing as her family was well to do. She was just very cheap and wanted to save on the cost of the gown. My wife respectfully declined begging off that she was saving it if she had a daughter ( we have since had only boys)…and let’s just say if she gave it to her, it would have required lots of altering…(she didn’t mention that part)
Fast forward ahead three years and we get invited (fancy invitation etc) to classmate’s 30th birthday party at nice restaurant. This was before we had kids of our own and we get seated with this couple who had three of Satan’s disciples, about ages 5, 7 and 8. The older one ordered his food, didn’t like it so he ordered another dish and when he didn’t like that, the parents let him order a third dish. His brother did the same…I would never let my kids do that but to each their own. I had a feeling they were going to make us pay for our own meals ( despite the invitation with no mention beforehand) and my lovely wife thought I was joking. Sure enough the bill comes and the other couple ( three kids and 7 kids’ meals) pipes up " let’s split it evenly".
I couldn’t say ," I don’t think so" fast enough. We paid our portion plus tax and tip and left… We knew then why they were friends with the guest of honor. Needless to say, luckily they live 100 plus miles away now and we haven’t socialized in 20 years. But my wife reminds it that it was one of my friends who was the ultimate cheapskate…</p>
<p>Also had last minute requests from cousins. We had a small wedding (75 people). Sit down dinner. The night before my wedding, a female cousin (not one we were close to at all) called my mother and told her she and her family were in town (husband and 3 kids if I recall) and asked if they could attend the reception. My mother was the type of person that had trouble saying no but luckily she held her ground with that one. It is amazing that people feel they can just invite themselves to formal events like weddings .</p>
<p>My wife is a teacher so her days are filled with outrageous requests - often demands - from parents. Like she should essentially make the child a lunch from scratch given ingredients in a container. That’s always a favorite: my child deserves special care and I want him/her to have a freshly made meal so you do it. I know there’s a thread about how students cause stress. Reality is parents cause stress, followed by administration (meaning lack of support and heavy-handed interventions for no reason), with students a distant third. When kids have problems, the issue is less the kid than the parental inability to deal with reality. Teachers are supposed to deal with kids’ problems but they have to deal with parents’ problems.</p>
<p>In the rest of our lives, I guess I’m so used to ridiculousness I don’t even think about it anymore. No, I won’t board my animals so you can come to dinner. Take an antihistamine or don’t come. The levels to that one made me laugh: I’m supposed to cage my pets, spend time taking them to a boarding place, pay for that place and then reverse the process because you don’t like animals. No, you can’t park a truck in my driveway for 3 weeks. Or your friend’s motorcycles. It isn’t my problem. No, I won’t cut down my tree because the leaves blow over the fence. </p>
<p>When my kids were younger, we’d get requests to have special meals made for their kids because they wouldn’t eat otherwise. As my wife would say, the parents inflict eating problems on their kids. We’d tell them, “Feel free to bring something.”</p>
<p>The RSVP’s are incredibly stressful! What are people thinking? 
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<p>They’re coming, they’re not coming, they MAY be here, not sure. There’ll be 3 coming, no wait…5…no wait, just 2. Plans have now changed…can we come and include so and so too?</p>
<p>How about people that respond yes and as we sit down to eat, they have to leave? How about people that leave a message on your answering maching that they can’t come while you are at the event?</p>
<p>How about people that don’t write thank you notes or any thank you of any kind? How about people that send a picture of themselves with the words thank you, but nothing else?</p>
<p>How about having to call people to see if they’re coming? Unfortunately it goes on and on and on!</p>
<p>Oooh Oooh I have one! My husband and i were married for two years and I was six months pregnant with our first son. My MIL came to visit from thousands of miles away, from a country that was then (and still is!) in turmoil. She arrived at night, and I took her to her room, stood in the doorway, and told her this was her room. I made the mistake of asking how long she would be staying with us. My husband said quickly, “Don’t ask”. She never left and died fifteen years later. But we learned to have a good relationship, and made it work. I learned enough of her language, and she mine, to get by. The kids learned about their other heritage. But 15 years! Sheesh!</p>
<p>^^^NO WAY!!! Oy…</p>
<p>OK, I want to play! While there’s no way in this world I could top Zoosermom’s bullriding wedding story, I wanted to comment on my own “black tie required” wedding. All the male guests were required to wear tuxedos, and the women had to wear either black or white. Bride and groom made a huge deal about the fact that a major rock star was coming as a guest, and a football star was a potential guest (groom was a lawyer,they were clients). My lovely, tiny, ladylike 13-year old daughter was excluded, although her older teen cousins were invited. DD was highly offended, but that’s the way it goes.</p>
<p>It was an evening affair,and the guests at the church had to wait for over an hour, listening to a trio of violinists run through a very limited repertoire at least five times, while the wedding party got high in their stretch Hummers. The officiating priest had been removed as pastor of the parish, apparently for using bad language on the pulpit, and the actual ceremony consisted of joking about the fact that the groom really didn’t want to get married, but the bride had “hooked him”. Lots of winks and nudges and hahas. It was lovely.</p>
<p>Flash forward to the reception, where after a very nice cocktail hour, we waited for over two hours for dinner. We were instructed not to approach the rock star. Lots of people getting drunk. The “football star” never showed. The rock stark got drunk and passed out, smacking his head on a urinal. The grooms old frat boy friends (and I do mean old, because both bride and groom were pushing 40) got into a huge foodfight with the wedding cake. The MOG remarked, “Aren’t those boys mischievous?” My DH is a blue collar contractor, and these “boys” are lawyers, so of course everyone was worried that WE would not know how to behave. </p>
<p>Like early_college, my daughter ( who is actually hanging out with some true celebrities, who will most likely be invited to her wedding if she ever has one) will not invite this couple to any important event in her life. It was fun for us, because we didn’t get drunk, we caught up with the other lowly relatives, and we had fun dancing with the potty mouthed priest. We knew we were being insulted because of the detailed instructions on how do dress and behave, but we were all way to old to care. </p>
<p>And I must commend eyemamom for the incredible way in which she can convert vulgar language into acceptable forum posts. Seaword? Awesome!</p>
<p>Speaking of RSVPs: At my son’s Bar Mitzvah, a certain boy had RSVP’ed his regrets. </p>
<p>He showed up.</p>
<p>:eek:</p>
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<p>Wow. Kudos to you. I would have ended up divorced. Love my MIL, but…no.</p>
<p>Threekids-
You win.</p>
<p>Speaking of thank you notes, is it common to send printed generic unsigned notes? We recently returned from a Long Island Bat Mitzvah (it was a 13th birthday party with no religious service, although I understand you don’t have to have a religious service to become a Bat Mitzvah). We would not have attended had we known. The thank you note didn’t mention the gift ($$$ and jewelry). I would have appreciated one sentence written by the Bat Mitzvah.</p>