<p>We love our school. This is part of what’s difficult about the situation. Really appreciate the advice here.</p>
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<p>Agreed! I’m betting that his computer contains hundreds of photos of young ladies in speedos. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, you need a warrant to legally do so.</p>
<p>It’s worth pointing out that talking to a priest about the situation no longer ensures confidentiality, nor should it. (The exception would be conversations that take place during confession). Under the current system, a priest is a mandated reporter. sewhappy, I sympathize with your situation, but remember that your first priority is not to maintain community harmony; it is to protect the children.</p>
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True, but it depends on what is said and how it’s presented. In D’s school’s case, the priest would give general advice and let you make the final decision.</p>
<p>Please trust your instincts on this and your daughters. I am concerned about this man’s daughter. A case I’m aware of (from my prehistoric youth) was a father who I always felt was strange. I found out later that he had abused a family member and others.</p>
<p>Keep your D away from him.</p>
<p>The other thing you may want to do is to let someone know who can talk to the guy. When my son was in swimming, there was young instructor who I felt was too touch, familiar with the girls. The girls loved him and egged on the attention. To this day, I wish I had let this guy know somehow that he was heading for trouble because I truly do not think he was a pervert. Just not thinking, not aware and it got him into a lot of trouble. I don’t think he was guilty of anything inappropriate, but when someone did complain (a parent of a disgruntled girl), he was summarily dismissed and that was the end of his career. Not a team or pool would touch him after that. </p>
<p>I would still keep D away from him, but if there is anyone who could talk to him, just in case he is just thickheaded and unaware, and let him know that there are concerns of how he is interacting and touching the girls, he may curb his behavior. If he truly is a pervert, it may worsen the situation overall, as the outward warning signs are then gone. </p>
<p>When my son taught swimming, he was assigned the young girls group at the camp. I warned him about touching any of those kids. These days you just cannot be too careful and it goes for either sex. But young girls are touchy feely, naturally from what I could see. They love to jump on their counselors, get hugs, etc. That kind of behavior needs to be addressed too, as it just is not appropriate, puts them in a compromising position if someone cops a feel and endangers the adult if something is misperceived.</p>
<p>You might want to spend a couple of minutes on google. For obvious reasons, almost every Catholic diocese now has an office which accepts reports or complaints about sexual abuse and other misconduct. Its jurisdiction usually covers volunteers like this part-time coach. Even if you do use an attorney, this office might be a good place to start. Often, the website will have lots of links about what to do. (If you need help googling, I’ll gladly do it, just PM me the name of the diocese.)</p>
<p>If you report it to anyone at the school in most dioceses, (s)he is MANDATED to report it to this office anyway. I’d trust its anonymity WAY more than the school’s. </p>
<p>You might even “get lucky” and find that he has violated some of the rules already. (The rules are usually posted.) </p>
<p>If you can’t find anything using google, try contacting Voice of the Faithful. It has done a lot to stop sexual abuse of minors in the Church and may be able to give you good practical suggestions as to what to do/not do in your situation. </p>
<p>God be with you in dealing with this.</p>
<p>If you don’t want to create too much commotion (especially since his wife is a dear friend), confront the guy, and tell him that if this behavior does not stop, you’ll go straight to the police next.</p>
<p>Some men don’t understand that non-physical harassment is still harassment. They should be told that.</p>
<p>I believe the school would want to know about this. It would involve you and your daughter talking to the principal and/or the diocesan office in charge of schools. They will in all likelihood take action. If they don’t, go up the ladder all the way to the bishop if you must. </p>
<p>Obviously- keep your D away from him.</p>
<p>sewhappy, we all want to know what you decide to do and how it works out. Please let us know.</p>
<p>I’ve read through this with interest. When you look a the statistics for abuse in this country, you have to come to the conclusion that at least some of the posters here have been victims in the past.</p>
<p>I’m here to say that I have been a victim. I did not tell my parents at the time, because I truly believed that my dad would go too far in his reaction to the perp and get himself into trouble.</p>
<p>My biggest regret came just a couple of years later, when I realized that the perp had several granddaughters my own age. I know I cannot have been the only victim. I was able to remove myself from his presence (which was awkward because he was a distant family member), but his grandchildren may not have been so lucky. I still feel remorseful about not reporting him.</p>
<p>We MUST teach our kids to trust their instincts. Even at 11, I knew the difference between what made me uncomfortable and what was okay. I can promise you that your instincts are right.</p>
<p>When I was working, there was a man who could not keep his hands of the women. Whether it was a pass, or not, I don’t know, as he tended to be that way with ANY female, regardless of age, looks, etc. However, I did not like it, and I asked him to please not touch me. He backed off like he was shot. I said it nicely but firmly. Told him I really don’t like being touched on a casual basis, and that I make it clear to anyone when I don’t like to be touched so there are no misunderstandings. That was the end of that problem.</p>
<p>I agree about the practices that catholic church has in place now. Go and talk to the P immediately. You are not supposed to be an investigator, they should be.
I am curious thought if you have talked to other parents about it, since you are so close to each other. Did your daughter talk to her friends?
Am I reading more than there is in this story???</p>
<p>Sewhappy, Ive heard of similar occasions. The most disturbing part is that child predators, when confronted, often try dismissing the problem as a joking matter. They may even go as far as pretend to be upset and offended by your accusation. When you confront the man, be prepared for such response and be firm, dont let this scoundrel play mind games with you and portray you as a prudent church lady.</p>
<p>In my limited experience, this kind of perv is usually a total coward, especially where women are concerned.</p>
<p>When I was in my twenties, I participated in a community theater production and I was pretty sure that this skeevy old guy was grabbing my waist intentionally when he stood behind me in a production number. I mentioned this to one of the producers, who responded, “Oh, was it ‘Smith’? Yeah, he’s always all over the young ones.” I couldn’t believe they knew about this perv and just let him stay in the production every year!</p>
<p>Anyway, since I couldn’t get any help from the higher-ups, the next time we did that number and I felt a hand on my waist, I delivered a swift backwards kick to the shins of whoever was behind me. With the heel of my character shoe. On stage. Presto, problem solved! ‘Smith’ never even made eye contact with me again, just saw me and ran.</p>
<p>So I’m a fan of direct confrontation. Tell him he better shut the !*&@ up around your daughter or there’s going to be he!! to pay. I bet you won’t need that restraining order.</p>
<p>Do you have a lawyer you can consult? After reading the advice you’ve received on this thread, I think I would follow your instincts to ask for advice for legal advice. </p>
<p>These things can get turned around, and I think it would be very important to have all the documentation in your hands before you meet with anyone from your school or even the assistant coach. Of course, if you feel like you don’t have the luxury of time, I wouldn’t hesitate to report these incidents and worry about the fallout later.</p>
<p>“They may even go as far as pretend to be upset and offended by your accusation. When you confront the man, be prepared for such response and be firm, dont let this scoundrel play mind games with you and portray you as a prudent church lady.”</p>
<p>I’ve found this to be true also. Often these kinds of people ridicule others for not being “cool” or “with it” and accuse them of being prudish. It’s a great tactic, but it really shouldn’t fly. I’ve seen people like this turn around and accuse the accuser of prurient thoughts. Unfathomable, but true.</p>
<p>My husband went to lunch today with an old friend who is a labor relations attorney. He is still there - over two hours now. I am very anxious to hear the advice. </p>
<p>We have decided to talk to our daughter this evening and let her know the extent of our concerns. She is very defensive of her friend. These things are so complicated. She’s going to worry that we are going to end up hurting and humiliating her friend. I personally like the advice on the thread to just have me or my husband or even both of us confront him calmly and explain our concerns.</p>
<p>Hanna - I am the same way.
Grew up in big city so was on public transit all the time. You would not believe perverts on a public transit. Whenever I felt “the touch” on my (usually) butt I would turn around and just yell at the guy. I learned the hard way: public on the bus/subway has never helped and moving away from the person only prompted the following. So I learned to confront them 
I think every woman that uses public transportation a lot has been in my shoes.</p>