Parent or Student - Who "actually" drives the college admissions process?

My kid was absolutely not ready to start thinking about this until junior year, and even then, only because it was REQUIRED.

At our public HS the counselor only has enough time for each kid to get 1 or 2 meetings, so they are very efficient. The kid has a required, scheduled meeting, and has to fill out a detailed form beforehand. My kid was still not ready to start on the process at that point, and wanted me to think of the colleges. “Mommmmmm, I have to come up with some colleges to put on this list before my meeting, what should I put…” The list of colleges we came up with that day did not end up having any relationship to later lists that he made. He did not become engaged in the process at all until quite late in junior year, when all his friends started talking about it.

The only problem we had with waiting that long is that some teachers limit the number of LORs they agree to write. By the time he was ready to start asking teachers, his math teacher was not taking any more LOR requests. He had to scramble around a little bit for LORs.

That is great advice, too.

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I took the role of the kick-starter to the interest by nudging my older D to do tours at driveable instate options: William &Mary and UVa. Her school took her on a tour of a smaller college in the state a few weeks later(private HS that sends 35-40% of kids to T30ish unis/T15 LACs ). This was fall 10th grade—the school encourages tours in this exploration phase in 10th grade. WM was the favorite , she had concrete reasons for it , so then I did research to find similar size and feel schools with different levels of competitveness based on the school’s naviance. Almost every school on the final list of 10 had a lot of overlap with what WM offers and overlap in vibe with strong performance in history and humanities as well as science in case she changed her mind . The counselor meets with families fall of junior yr and helps flesh out the list with other ideas as well as do a preliminary assessment of likely/match/reach.
I set up tours based on my days off , and more time to grab the tour date slots quickly (some fill in a day of being opened). We finished all but 2 planned tours before the covid shutdown that happend at the end of spring break junior yr.
Our other D had much more of a list built based on wanting stem plus dance and also being younger and seeing a sib go through it. We went everywhere to try to figure out campus and academic fit. She had very specific boundaries of regions she hated, but we definitely investigated ones likely to not make the final list just to leave no viable option unvetted. We also knew she would need a longer list based on her goals.
So my heavy lifting was tour coordinator and chauffeur, and i loved every minute. I tried to never comment on visits and let them decide. Usually I could tell by their face or questions/comments. I never read any emails or had the ability to login to portals or email(they use their school email which worked great and is the common practice there, as it is part of daily school life to manage emails from teachers and admin about classes and clubs). Portal management , common app, essays, keeping track of deadlines was all on them, other than some last-minute-pre-submission proofreads and paying the fees on my card.

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Our kids definitely drove the process, but not until Junior year, and really second semester Junior year, when they were really ready.
The one thing we did before that was tell them that we wanted to visit a couple of schools that were very near our home. Not because we wanted them to apply to these schools, but as a learning process about what visiting a college was like, so that they would know what to expect when we visited schools that they were very interested in.
This was helpful, and helped them to begin to think about what they liked and wanted.
My oldest was applying in 2020/2021, and the visit we scheduled in the fall of her junior year (2019) was the only one she got until she was admitted and we were able to visit.
We also gave clear financial guidelines, and told our kids to run the NPC (we helped with this), and consider what merit would likely be available when applying. This took a few schools off the list for our younger child.
We also attended virtual visits together when we could.
But, our kids made the lists, wrote the essays and completed applications on their own. We helped with proofreading, and minor editing suggestions, and they would confirm before pressing submit.
They both had enough time to research schools late Junior year and summer before senior year, write essays in late summer and early senior year and turn applications in without cutting it to close for deadlines.
This was also the timeframe most of their friends were on, and they all talked about the process and that helped them to feel motivated to steer the ship.

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We kinda started with it, but not really. My wife does trips to give talks or work together with colleagues, so she started taking our kid with her to visit colleges late sophomore year. Not formally, but just to get a feel for what other colleges are like - she grew being on UIC a lot, so we wanted her to see other colleges. So the ones she visited were just those that happened to be an my wife’s calendar. Sometimes she would join the official college tours, and other times would get a private one with whoever was hosting my wife. She enjoyed them because she loves university campuses.

Once she started thinking about looking at colleges, during her Junior year, She was the actual driver, but, like with @Lindagaf 's #1, she wanted me as a copilot. Yes, I know, mixed metaphors. Sue me.

She was overwhelmed with choices (ADHD FTW), and needed somebody to help her narrow them to manageable numbers, and also needed somebody to help keep her on track. So I was there mostly as a resource and a sounding board. She would give me a list of criteria for colleges, and I would give her a list of colleges that met those criteria. She would choose and talk to me while she chose. I also used my prerogative as a parent to give her unsolicited advice. She was actually pretty good about considering the advice and pretty polite when she rejected it…

Her high school was a large public one, but they have good counselors, and had a very well set up system for college counseling, with info evenings for parents, college callers, and teachers who were pretty experienced at writing letters. She had a great relationship with her counselor, and he really helped a lot. He was also the one who submitted her name for Posse, and that changed the trajectory of her college search a lot.

In that, she was 100% in charge. She went to the interviews, she chose the colleges based on her criteria, and we just helped provide her with the paperwork she needed, went with her to the parent’s meeting, and looked over her application and essay. It was over in the second week of December.

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As is evidently common in many immigrant families, I was given a list of the only “acceptable” colleges to apply to (T20s + my state school) and that was that. No more research needed.

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In an ideal situation, the student should be driving the process, with some guidelines from parents, about things like affordability, as well as providing information, support, and encouragement when helpful. However, the reality should be more dependent on the specific student and specific situation. Some students are more or less knowledgeable and motivated than others. Some will make better or worse decisions than others on their own.

I expect you’ll get a biased sample group, regardless of which you sub you post in. Parents who choose to hang out on a forum related to college admissions are likely to be more involved in the college admission process than typical. Students who choose to hang on a forum related to college admissions are also not typical, but there can be different driving forces for different students.

I’ll list 3 completely different scenarios for myself, my mother, and my father.

Father – He was first gen. He had no support from parents in any way, including financial. Instead his parents actively discouraged him from attending college and thought he should get a job instead. He ultimately attended a nearby public flagship, mostly to follow some girls from his HS that he liked, who were attending the college. He paid himself by taking various part time jobs.

Mother – Her mother (my grandmother) was the driving force. She told my mother where to apply (she applied to 3 colleges, which were all among the most selective colleges in the US at the time), how to apply, which college to attend, etc. My mother was fine with following instruction like this, but it didn’t work out as well her younger sibling, who was not as obedient. There were some big fights, and he ultimately ended up paying himself, without parental support.

Me – I spent many hours researching about different colleges, years before I would actually apply. I initially considered every somewhat selective college in the US that offered an electrical engineering major, then gradually narrowed the list from there, ultimately coming up with a list of colleges to apply to and order of preference. This order of preference was based on wide variety of criteria about both the individual colleges, and my personal interests. Essentially what I thought would be a good fit.

My parents were far less knowledgeable. They generally gave me free reign about where to apply, with a few vetoes based that seemed to based on outdated stereotypes such as… Nobody hires Berkeley grads because of their protests , or Rice is too racist (I think this stemmed from believing entire deep south is racist). My father also believed “Brown is the Ivy League for airheads”, yet this seemed to be a positive for him, and he actively encouraged me to apply to and attend Brown.

A similar type of pattern occurred in certain other aspects of the application process. For example, I filled out all sections of the application myself without parental review. Rather than focusing on the application text/content, my parents instead focused on things like I need to wear a suit to interviews, which I disagreed with, but ultimately compromised and agreed to. My parents also offered financial support, with no financial restrictions on where I could apply to or attend.

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I would be wary of advice about what the kid “should” be doing. It really varies from kid to kid, and you know your own kid best. My son was not at all interested in the process, he was far more focused on school, sports, friends, etc. To be fair, it was also harder for him, as we were living in Tokyo and a lot of his classmates were from the UK and Europe, so not much talk about US colleges and the US application process. As a starting point, I came up with a list of questions based on what I found in some book, and one weekend, I sat him down and tried to get him to think through the basics - big or small, urban or rural, class size, etc. Around that time, there was a big college fair near our home, and based on his responses, we met with the reps from some schools I thought he might be interested in. He had a strong negative reaction to some schools - Wesleyan, Middlebury, Hamilton, Grinnell - and a positive reaction to others - Carleton, St. Olaf, Bates, Davidson. Hard to read those tea leaves, and lot of that had to do with how he reacted to the people representing the schools, but it gave us a starting point. At least it seemed clear he didn’t really like the ex-Maine Northeast vibe, so we broadened out geographically. Then we did a college tour in the spring of his junior year that mostly knocked another bunch of schools off the list. By the summer after his junior year, he was informed and interested enough to begin working on the Common App essay. I was really still master of the list, but I had a lot more insight into what he might like. When we did a tour of the schools where he’d been accepted in the spring of his junior year, he had clearly taken ownership of the process and the finally decision was entirely his own. So, in any event, I don’t think there really are many “shoulds” involved here, it’s more a matter of following your child’s lead.

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I know this is common in certain circles but it makes me so sad. So many missed opportunities with lists like this. But I guess this thread is showing it can take a lot of informed work on the part of parents to help a kid explore options outside of a box like that.

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I forgot to mention S24 and I attended the college fair hosted by his HS both his sophomore and junior year. And come to think of it, I probably had some input on choice there because I helped guide him to tables I thought he should check out. He also had his own ideas, though. Mostly I think for US colleges that probably did not have a lot of impact in putting colleges on his list, although I think it helped him eliminate quite a few. But those college fairs are basically how St Andrews got on his radar, which is potentially a big deal as that is one of his two offers so far.

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I envy those of you who had heavily involved kids. I am currently helping our third and last child S25 and he has shown more interest than the other two combined. But I’m still driving the process — making the list, doing high level research, setting up tours.

I will caveat by saying that we are in a rural Title I district and 95% of kids go to in-state publics (the same 4 or 5 universities). So, researching and visiting colleges is not really in the culture and I suspect that’s part of the reason my kids have been disinterested in exploring things on their own.

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DS attended BS and they discouraged thinking about college before second half of junior year, when kids started working with their assigned CCs and got access to Naviance. My kid was happy not to engage on this topic until then, and started off willing to do only what was required.

I came up with the list of 7 schools to tour over spring break junior year based on a preference for LACs. The goal was to have a mix of vibes, and for all of them to be ones at which, even if they were reachy, he would have a shot. He shared his impressions with his CC at school, and together, they built the rest of the list and managed the rest of the process. (Folks here know that I wanted to build a shrine to the woman – she had a wonderful relationship with DS and they got it done with us simply writing checks for fees and planning visits to schools they’d picked.) He toured those other schools mostly over the summer, with a few closer ones happening toward the end of junior year. Worth noting the most that did interviews only allowed that after May junior year, so that could not be part of the spring break trip. I recall we had a Fiske guide too!

Personally, I think that’s a great timeline for the kids. It allows them to focus of high school and figuring out who they are and then finding schools that fit them. You’ll know your test scores (or general range if you’re taking again.) It IS hard to get visits in with school and sports, and our school was strict about # of permitted absences for this.

AND I think you’re wise to be doing your research, without involving your kid, earlier. So much has changed since you did this, not just in the application process, but at the schools themselves. There is so much excellence out there! Being clear about financial constraints is key too.

But my kid was never consumed by this. He was loving senior year. He was making final decisions, after acceptance, right up to the final weekend to do so. In some ways, not surprising because they all were great options and he’s pretty easy-going. Perhaps harder on me!

Lastly, for perspective, how interested would you have expected your 6th grader to be in high school?

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My child was totally uninterested in thinking about college even through junior year. Suddenly, as a senior, her guidance counselor reported to me that she was the first student done with her common app, she knew what she wanted. I was suspicious and rightfully so :rofl:. The kid had simply taken the first 5 supposed “match schools” from Naviance and was ready to apply to them. Naviance had decided my child belonged at Catholic schools in Connecticut. My child is neither Catholic nor in Connecticut. These schools didn’t necessarily have my child’s likely major. At that point I became involved lol. We hadn’t visited anywhere up until that point as the suggestion, alone, was enough to stress my child. At this point we did a few fun visits to schools with my child’s likely major. We researched together and realized my child would love an open curriculum. We came up with a list entirely different from the original Naviance list. State schools, open curriculum schools, nothing in Connecticut and all but one in our state within a 90 minute radius as the student doesn’t feel ready to be far from home.

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For a '26 I am not surprised they aren’t that interested yet, that seems pretty normal to me and I live in a high-performing area with lots of kids at highly selective schools…Also, here, the school doesn’t start talking about it until jr winter so I think that also made kid think I was a bit off for talking about it earlier…

Soph spring we started by bring my kid to a local campus on a tour just to get idea of it- it wasn’t necessarily going to make a final list (due to major offerings) but it was a school they had a chance of getting in to). That did spur a little bit of interest…

Right now, my 25 is doing a lot of soul searching on majors and what they want, which does take a lot of mental energy. I am doing a lot of researching schools and setting up tours, etc… Doing both these things would be a LOT to manage and given jr year coursework and ECs, I think this is OK for our family. I would rather have them spend time on class and deciding major than scouring naviance and acceptance rates.

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I’m a class of 2024 kid and my sister is a 2026 kid who doesn’t really care about college yet at all. We have a limited budget, but she does not really want to go to our state school. She hasn’t started studying for the PSAT and I don’t think she’ll take it seriously either. She’s smart, she just cares more about her sports and having friends than worrying about college yet. Which isn’t really a bad thing since she’s only a sophomore.

Eventually after she wouldn’t, I made a list for her of places I would guess would fit her. Hopefully she’ll start to narrow it down from there and think about some before junior year. For me, my parents really didn’t help me with the list making. They tried to influence it and did push a few schools, but they mostly let me handle it. I kept track of application deadlines on my own. My mom read over my essays the night before I submitted them, but I pretty much completely wrote them without parental guidance.

So, it’s possible for the student to completely drive the process. However, with my sister, my mom may have to drive the process a bit more. I’m hoping becoming a junior will make it seem a bit more real and make her start caring. So, in short I think it depends on the student. For some, little parental involvement is okay. Some may need a little pushing. I think for my sister and maybe your daughter, she’ll care once college becomes a real thing that’s coming up and not some far off event in her mind.

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S24 came up with his list and over time we discussed it as a family. He came into the process knowing he didn’t want the West Coast, the Deep South (south of NC) or NYC (we’ve been there often and it is fine too visit but for college it was out). He knew he didn’t have any financial constraints which makes the process much, much easier. The main areas of parental involvement were arranging college visits as that meant flights/hotels (and needed to be scheduled around our work) and reviewing his essays upon request. I don’t have access to any of his accounts/the common app etc. Other than providing advice and feedback I’ve tried to make this about him and let him lead.

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I am sure you are right about that. The college search was a big deal in my S24’s peer group, and they really internalized the idea each list should be highly personalized. Made it easy as a parent to support rather than have to motivate that process.

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The norm at my kid’s school is to apply to in-state schools only. A subset of kids throw in a few RD apps to top schools (almost none get in). The rich kids might apply to non-selective privates or OOS non-selective publics. On average, 1 or 2 each year get into top schools and attend. But most of them stay in state whether that’s what they want or not, because that’s their only acceptance. The college advising is almost nil.

So my own kid was just going to apply to 1 in state public and to parent employers and call it good. Because that’s what everyone else does. We had the tuition exchange wrench to deal with, and a very small budget. We helped with the whole process, and our kid appreciated the help. He complained that we made him get all his apps done in October, but then he was grateful when his friends were still in app misery months later, while he already had several great acceptances in hand.

Some of his classmates were pretty disappointed with their outcomes and I think regret that their only viable acceptances were to in-state schools (but are doing well). Like they apply to Michigan or Yale with no clue about how hard it is to get in, nor how they’d pay for it. Their lists are the trope of like 1 or 2 safeties they don’t love and a handful of super reaches. This varies tremendously by school, but that’s how people at our HS mostly do it.

We would have loved if our kid had done everything himself. But I don’t see how he would have had the perspective or guidance to navigate the college search without a lot of help from us. He was an active participant and was really pleased with how his college search went. Only one of his friends left the state for college, and more of them would have liked to do so but just didn’t know how to make it happen.

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Ha, that was almost exactly my S24’s list (except he didn’t really want interior West either, Minnesota is as far west as he considered). I made one brief pitch for the idea that getting to live in NYC on his parents’ dime was a potential opportunity, but he was very firm on that.

This again makes me sad to hear. Educationally, they will likely be fine anyway, but they very likely would have been able to have affordable, exciting opportunities out of state too. However, as you imply, finding those takes an awareness of what is possible, and how to look for it, that many kids and families don’t have, and are not given by their school.

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@beefeater , it might help if you could tell us what your school does/provides, what kids from your school normally do for college, and what your hopes/goals/concerns are.

There is such a wide range of possibility on these isdues, and that could have a huge impact on how informed and involved you may need to be as well as when.

A kid at a boarding school, where everyone goes to college all over the country and that has a staff of professional college counselors will have a different experience without parental involvement than a kid at a large public school where guidance counselors are also college counselors and who have a whole host of other issues to deal with, that sends most kids to the state universities.

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More anecdotes for you @beefeater.

The droids were invited by a cousin to visit her at her college during the spring of their sophomore year (cousin was a senior, about to graduate, so it was the last opportunity). That really kicked things off for the droids and made it “get real.” But, I’ll add that they’re at a BS where pretty much everyone is gunning for top colleges. So it’s very much in the ether regardless. Can’t be avoided even a little bit. So to @gardenstategal 's comment above, that’s the situation we’re in.

From there, we did local visits that spring, subsequent summer (bt sophomore and junior year) and fall of junior year when able. We’re in the Boston area so there are obviously scads of school within a short drive. I guess it’s fair to say that we were driving the process (and the car) at that point. We weren’t really trying to create a list however. We mostly used that opportunity to address as many of the general questions as possible: big/small, urban/suburban/rural/remote, LAC/university. That sort of thing.

One thing we did where I was absolutely positively driving the process was a west coast swing. We did that spring break (March) junior year. The droids’ school has a fair # of kids from CA. They were firm that they had no desire to attend school in CA. Like, NFW. I dragged them out anyway.

Not only did the trip pretty well cement the large/university/urban general preferences, in the end they applied to roughly a half dozen CA schools each lol. Also, from there, once they really knew their general preferences, they they really leaned into the research to create their lists. So that was spring junior year when that stuff really came together. And note that there were exceptions to these preferences on their lists, but, the reasons for the exceptions were well understood, as were the tradeoffs inherent in each.

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