Sure-we ALL used to complain about our parents when we were teens, didn’t we? But this isn’t that. This is a kid whose parents won’t even speak to them and who have expressed “disappointment” in them for the last year for not getting into colleges where the vast majority don’t even have a shot at acceptance. How less “black and white” can “my parents are not speaking to me” be?
Here’s a real world counterpoint to the OP’s story: my niece is a brilliant young lady, second in her very large class by hundredths of a point. She applied to several Ivies, did not get in. She chose a nice LAC where she excelled and triple-majored, graduating with honors ,with nearly a full ride. Her parents still had to scrape up the remaining costs-and they did it with joy. They supported her in every way possible all through college (with her help, she did work summers). They often tell her in person and on Facebook how proud they are of her. She in turn is very close to them and includes them in her life.
THAT’S what parents do-they support their kids, ESPECIALLY when they’re outstanding students with lofty goals. You don’t stomp on them for not being #1. Yeah, sure, I am judgmental on this. That’s because I see the difference that having loving, supportive parents can make, and the damage bullies can do.
Yes, but sometimes people don’t. Sometimes people get blindsided by an event they didn’t expect (even if more knowledgeable people could have warned them that it was a likely possibility).
In that case, it doesn’t make sense to beat yourself up for not having a pre-planned exit strategy. What makes sense is to start developing a new plan now.
Fwiw, if my child had applied to and been admitted to U of Michigan to study something like History or French, I’d be bragging all over the place. It’s not exactly known for letting just anyone in, even the CAS. UM - all of it - is considered pretty prestigious here in the Midwest.
This proves your parents don’t know everything, OP. I’m sorry they’re being so hard on you. I’m proud of you, too.
Computer Science is a great major! Best of luck to you and I hope things pan out in your favor.
There’s a difference between being disappointed for your child, and being disappointed in your child.
If you love Michigan and can continue in LSAT for CS, terrific.
Don’t focus on internships ’ " prestigiosity " in the hopes of proving something to your parents.
Do what you need to do to make yourself marketable and they’ll be bragging about you when you graduate with a terrific job that pays quite well. (bonus, it’ll uncouth to say how well so they’ll leave their ‘friends/competitors’ hanging, unable to up them.)
All is good.
You got into Michigan, a 'public ivy ’ - you did well, and now you’re going to study one of the best majors around because you love it. Congratulations
@Pizzagirl “These parents explicitly showed disappointment in their son when he didn’t make the Ivies. It’s clear as can be that these are the unsophisticated kinds of people who think the Ivies are the only game in town, and have no problem playing the “comparison game” with friends. Their true colors are blindingly evident here. I don’t know why we are beating around the bush or “trying to understand.” Their behavior is shameful.”
I have the impression that new immigrant parents are more likely to take this approach. I spoke with a parent like this last month. Her son is a student at Northwestern. The mother told me that he began as a premed, and is doing very well, but has decided he wants to switch to engineering or economics. I told her that those are excellent majors and he will have many options with either one. She replied that she is not speaking with him (just like the OP) because she is so disappointed that he does not want to be a doctor, and she feels like he is a failure. I tried to tell her that Northwestern is an outstanding school, and he can do very well for himself in either engineering or economics, but she replied, “But it is not as good as being a doctor.” There was not changing her mind.
<<<<
have the impression that new immigrant parents are more likely to take this approach. I spoke with a parent like this last month. Her son is a student at Northwestern. The mother told me that he began as a premed, and is doing very well, but has decided he wants to switch to engineering or economics. I told her that those are excellent majors and he will have many options with either one. She replied that she is not speaking with him (just like the OP) because she is so disappointed that he does not want to be a doctor, and she feels like he is a failure. I tried to tell her that Northwestern is an outstanding school, and he can do very well for himself in either engineering or economics, but she replied, “But it is not as good as being a doctor.” There was not changing her mind.
<<<<
Seems some here want more empathy for the parents and some are outraged. Thing is, there’s a middle ground. This is OP’s chance to learn to navigate this sort of situation. He/she can’t go through life entirely trying to please the parents, pick internship/work opportunities, a city to work in, a spouse, a home, etc, based on whether or not they’ll meet approval. At some point that becomes stifling and maybe counter-productive.
Of course, if they’re paying, they have a right to certain expectations- that OP pick a path, do well, build toward a solid future, be responsible and respectful. That’s what I hope he or she learns.
We are talking again - made some good progress. I explained my plan, and how will accomplish it. Despite the unfavorable Ross decision, I showed them that I did pretty well for myself my first year (GPA for the classes I took, extracurriculars I excelled in, etc.). We’ll see how it goes.
OP, I’m glad they are talking to you again. While you shouldn’t have to “explain yourself” for basically doing a great job but for a glitch in THEIR plans, hopefully they can get over their disappointment and simply support you for you you are. Good luck.
OP Glad you talked to your parents. With almost 30,000 undergrads at UofM it’s not easy and it is often underestimated just how competitive some programs are. But a degree from Michigan holds alot of weight in the world and hopefully you’ll settle into a major that works for you and helps you get where you want to go.
In my opinion, the only bad thing about you not being admitted to Ross is that you are disappointed. You said, “I tried basically as much as I could - and I learned a lot from the experience” that is all a reasonable parent can ask, and it is all that you can ask of yourself.
To me saying Ross rejected so you are “stuck” in CS is like saying that you planned to transfer to Spring Arbor college, and for some reason, they rejected you, so now you are “stuck” at U of M. It may be disappointing personally, but “stuck” is probably not the right word, and in the long run you are probably way better off.
In today’s job market, it is difficult to see why being in CS undergrad instead of a business undergrad is a bad thing. CS majors are in higher demand, command higher salaries, and have the option to add an MBA and switch to business later if they want to. CS majors can also compete effectively for business majors jobs, but business majors can’t compete effectively for CS jobs. CS is the major that the best students in the country are clamoring to be admitted to right now. The only reason that Ross is more competitive than CS for admission is that Ross only admits about 150 students. If the CS program only admitted 150 students, you would need an ACT score of 37 to get in, and would also require a personal reference from either Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates.
Even by the absurd standards of cc: posters, being a CS at Michigan is a tremendous success, even if it is not everything that you, or they, were hoping for. I tell my kids often that it is important to aim high because you may achieve your goal, and even if you fail you will probably have achieved something amazing. That is exactly what you have done. Congratulations!
All a person can do is their best. Michigan is a great school and 90% of the population would be overjoyed if they had a kid at Michigan. I would suggest you write your goals down in a journal and read that entry often.
Good move, @OP! You will find that when you open up voluntarily to your parents, show them you are serious about your own work and future, and care about how they feel, they will be appreciative of your effort. After all, how “bad” parents can they be, if they care so much? Granted, they can be misguided sometimes, but so can you right? Remember your parents are your loyalist alliance and certainly not your enemies. Like any other relationship, however, it takes work sometimes hard work. Good luck!
Oh for goodness sakes, I’m sorry, but I laughed a couple times. OP started the thread less than 24 hours after the decision. Maybe the parents were at work? Maybe they were on a hot date? Maybe they were disappointed and just wanted to be silent so when they did talk to their kid, they could be the best version of themselves?
Maybe they have mentioned the schools OP did not get into, but maybe in context it is not so nefarious. Do you remember being 18 or 19 and only hearing a certain version of what your parents were saying? Do you think your parents meant it exactly the way you heard it? Ditto now that I am a parent. I can tell my daughter she is a great driver 20 times, but when I tell her once she has made a mistake, she tells my husband, “Mom thinks I suck at driving.”
My 18-year-old was snarky with me this morning, so I didn’t talk to her. I went to work. She went to work. I went grocery shopping. She went on a date. We still haven’t talked, she’s not home, and I’m about to go to bed. We will have not talked for 24 hours. I still love her. To my knowledge, her has not shared her misery over my junky parenting on an anonymous internet forum, but I can’t be sure. She did do the dishes without asking, so I’m taking that as an apology.
Yes, I know the OP’s situation is different, but I have a hard time coming down on the parents with the full wrath of CC with the amount of facts currently in play. And sometimes, when you bankroll $50k, it buys you the right to be grumpy for a day or two.
@palm715 but these parents have been holding up their disappointment for an entire YEAR over OP not getting into Ivies. Remember, they didn’t express disappointment FOR OP, but AT them. Huge difference. And if this was the first such post by the first kid on CC with nearly the same story, maybe I’d feel differently, but every single spring, some first gen student comes on here to ask for help in dealing with parents who are punishing their DC in some way for having the gall not to make it into an Ivy. The pain these kids are in is real, and I’ve seen it play out in real life in person among my D’s friends, though on a smaller level. For these parents, nothing is ever good enough, what the kids want is less important than what the parents insist upon, and only one or two approved majors will do.
A minor tiff over breakfast isn’t what these posts year after year are about. Frankly, if my kid had gotten into college #9 instead of 1-8, I’d be doing handsprings. But not THESE people-that means their kid is a screw up. But they’re wrong. It’s the other way around.
@palm715 : I suppose it highly depends on an individual’s life experience. Giving your kids money and things, even paying for college, does not automatically make anyone a good parent. The OP may have prematurely jumped the gun with this thread, but he’s, what, 20 at the max? Other posters here are yammering about respect and the OP being a whiner, but I haven’t seen anything like that. The OP clearly holds his parents in high regard and is scrambling to “redeem himself” in their eyes for something that isn’t even really a mistake. Kinda speaks volumes about his relationship with his parents.
@sseamom, you know I think you are awesome, and I value your opinion. I re-read everything the OP said on this thread and a few others. He/she sounds like a bright, hard-working kid, but I’m not convinced the parents are anymore imperfect than the rest of us. I guess as strangers to the OP and their parents, barring the parents joining this thread, we will never know.
I don’t know everything or anything about the OP’s parents. I don’t like their behavior but no one on CC is telling the OP’s parents they are incorrect, shameful, jerks, etc. - they aren’t on CC. These negative posts are simply trashing the parents to the child. Saying all this to the child is less than helpful and well, I’m not sure reading all that would make the OP feel better. Luckily, yikes seems like a very mature person.
@yikesyikesyikes, I’m glad you and your parents are talking again. Sometimes (and this is usually when it first happens), the child has to lead the parents in the same way they did when you were much younger. They will have preconceived notions that clash with your goals, actions, values, etc. You did impressively well in keeping your cool, and laying out your accomplishments and plans. I think over the next year (or two, if they’re stubborn), they’ll realize you’re doing very well and they’ll be proud to be your parents.
Finally, there may come a time where you need to stand up and bluntly say or ask, “Why are you so negative?” or “I try my best, why can’t you be proud or happy with that?” Sometimes parents need to be pushed to see their “expectations” are hurtful. They may not see this, especially if they are with in a particular social group of successful immigrant parents whose kids tend to go to elite schools (although Michigan qualifies as one). The key is to believe in yourself. This is a difficult time but I believe in you - like I said, you’re doing impressively well.
