Not speaking to your children is emotionally abusive. We do the children who post here a disservice for not calling it as we see it. It’s not okay. If OP were a young woman complaining that her boyfriend was giving her the silent treatment to get his way, we’d all tell her to dump him.
OP is doing an amazing job handling the situation. He should be proud; he’s attending a great school and doing very well. I hope that if he has children he’ll treat them differently. Maybe the parents will learn from his example. For now, all he can do is to continue communicating in a calm, adult manner and focus on his goals. Parents who hold on so tightly to their dreams for their children that it makes it difficult for the children to create their own dream aren’t doing them any favors.
So you didn’t get into Ross…how were your grades?
If they are good, then perhaps your plan for college was not ideal, but you are still going to get a degree.
Yes, it can be emotionally abusive. But OP wants to “restore their faith” in him, cited the sacrifices they made. And though he’s aware some of this is competition with the Joneses, he still feels he needs to prove himself to them, etc. That can be heavy baggage.
When you’re caught in a control cycle, it’s good to try to see it for what it is and take some steps. When they’re still paying, some respect is called for. We all want him to stay on a solid path. But sometimes the growth needed is going to be personal, not continuing to try to “please” them or appease them. It happens in small steps, learning to rely on your own best judgment. We all wish OP the best.
“Not speaking to your children is emotionally abusive. We do the children who post here a disservice for not calling it as we see it. It’s not okay. If OP were a young woman complaining that her boyfriend was giving her the silent treatment to get his way, we’d all tell her to dump him.”
EXACTLY. Well said. We have seen more than enough of these posts on here – immigrant parents, convinced that the Ivies are the meaning of life and anything else dooms one to “do you want fries with that,” making their children feel bad for not getting in these highly selective schools. These are children that any parent should be PROUD to have – smart, hardworking, good kids, well-behaved, lots of initiative – but it just so happened they didn’t make a 5% cut. It’s nonsense, it’s terrible, it’s emotionally abusive, and you have to say it like it is.
At a certain point, the open minded run the risk of becoming the close minded. Judging someone you’ve never met and who have never had a chance to speak one word for themselves so harshly just because they sound like they fit a certain stereotype Of yours is terrible and abusive.
It’s not the stereotype. It’s the actual behavior. Is there any possible way you can defend being angry at your child for not getting into an Ivy? A parent’s job is to provide comfort and solace and wipe away the tears. Not create new ones.
I probably missed OP’s parents posting here that they are angry with OP for not getting into Ivy. I only see OP post about this. What happened to the presumption of innocence?
I really hope OP is not following this thread anymore.
Sigh. The OP posted in post #1 that his parents are still angry with him / bring it up to him that he didn’t get into Ivies, an entire year ago. You’re welcome to think that that’s just “cultural differences” / good parenting. I don’t.
No one is advising OP to cut off relations with his parents. I think that I was the first to suggest that OP detach to some extent because the attitudes he has absorbed from hus parents are, simply, wrong. I also advised him to have the best relationship possible with them. I’ve had difficulties in my life and in all cases, what helped me the most was learning to see things clearly. And I learned to do this from people who told me what was going on.
There may be some projecting going on by the OP. The parents are most likely paying alot of money for the OP to attend UofM and perhaps the burnish of a degree from Ross was a tilting factor in spending that money. The OP was deferred but then accepted so Ross was always going to be a “sophomore year” transfer and had a few other options for universities which may have been in the long run less expensive and deliver the same degree. But the parents have signed on so to speak to UofM and it appears that while the OP has always had an interested in CS, Ross was probably a brass ring and maybe the money issue is driving anything that is bothering him, perhaps they feel he could finish a degree in CS at a far less expensive college.
This isn’t court and the children aren’t required to provide evidence. We take them on faith. If they say they asked their parents what they can pay for college and report that the were told $45k/year, we don’t ask the parents to log onto CC and confirm it. When students post that they have a 2350 SAT, a 4.0 UW GPA, and stellar subject test scores with interesting ECs, we don’t require proof before suggesting colleges to add to their list. These students are, for the most part, young adults. I trust that they know the difference between “my parents are purposely ignoring me” and “my mom and dad haven’t discussed this with me because they’re not home from work yet.” It’s an insult to OP’s intelligence to suggest that he’s reading the situation incorrectly.
If you want to believe that the OP is lying, then fine…that’s you’re right.
However, the story rings true, particularly when the past is considered (parents upset that he didn’t get into Ivies). And, yes, we’ve repeatedly seen immigrant parents (particularly ones from a few countries) be ridiculously annoyed/angry/upset when their child has denied them bragging rights by not getting into some school that they perceive to be tippy top and validating. We’ve seen immigrant parents only allow their kids to choose about 5 majors/careers…engineering, physician, pharmacist, and a couple others.
This student has been a member of CC since 2014. He hasn’t shown a history of crazy posts or histrionics. We often can tell when we’re hearing an unfair version on one side of the story.
Just “do you.” At the end of the day, it’s your life and ultimately your education. If you’re happy where you are, then that’s all that matters. For your parent issue, give them enough time and they’ll get over it.
No one is lying. It’s called “perception”. The Perception of one party of a conflict doesn’t make the whole picture. More importantly, reinforcing that perception is not helpful to OP.
You seem to believe pretty strongly that the OP (who does live with and know his/her parents, while none of us do) is simply wrong about what is going on in his/her family. I find that very odd.
I don’t think there’s a misperceptions that Ross decisions came out last Thursday, and the parents gave him the silent treatment until Monday. Unless the parents were on a trip without access to phones, they weren’t speaking to him purposely.
How does one misperceive that they’re still being “called out” for not getting into any Ivies last year?
If the parents went all-in with the costs BECAUSE of Ross, then there is bound to be disappointment at sunk costs. We don’t know what kind of conversations took place prior to the OPs freshman year. But if the OP is talking and laying out the plan and the parents are still on-board with the costs for this uni then it will work out. The OP was most likely disappointed, most likely did not enjoy telling his parents about the Ross decisions and the parents were probably disappointed for the OP. Time will most likely heal some of this.
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the parents went all-in with the costs BECAUSE of Ross, then there is bound to be disappointment at sunk costs
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I agree…that’s why I wondered if the parents would change their minds about paying. The student is a rising sophomore, now going to be a LSA CS student. They may think…he could go elsewhere for that for a lot cheaper.