<p>DS agreed to a weekly phone call (arranged in advance, he calls). We’ve started to switch these over to iChat and must say that’s much more satisfying – almost like he’s sitting in the family room with us. We’re certainly on a learning curve with this whole long distance communication thing. Need an immediate response: text. Something he’ll need to reference later or plug into his calendar: email. Sometimes I’m on Facebook and he’ll pop in with an IM and we’ll have a little “chat”. (But I never ever post anything on his Facebook wall or about him on mine.) I think it’s harder with boys, but at least with us this multifaceted approach seems to work.</p>
<p>Hello new friends from sunny Zim flooded with endorphins from pounding the aerobics floor this am, determined to be a grown up this week. Thanks for the input ref contacting Ss profs privacy rights ye Gods forgot he was a legal adult. I mean I knew it but hadnt gottt it. I also am a friend of Son fb and do turn to it daily, not always much there, but a comment from his GF today cheered me up no end that if he was reading it then he wasnt doing HW so turn it off and WORK! Hooray someone else cares! Bit weird that I dont know this person but its all good. In Zim our teenagers dont have the get a part time job culture at all, and I had pre-agreed with S that he would get an on campus job, so that he could experience the novelty of expending energy (often inconveniently!) to receive payment, and also earn pocket money. The last time we communicated almost two weeks ago, he had done nothing, but his D mentioned last weekend that apparently S now had something lined up in the catering dept. Muffled mirth I guess, and hope that the time management angel is hovering</p>
<p>Oh and I have made a promise to myself that next year I will be in NY at Parents weekend - the mist of hazy information can be best adressed by being there to see and hear for myself!</p>
<p>Actually, he did call me. Unfortunately, I think it might have been prompted by a phone call from his sister with some not-so-good personal news. I know that there are a few different factors telling me it was just a bad phone call, and not really indicative of his having a bad experience in general, but I definitely hung up that phone with a cruddy feeling inside. (OK - it just hasn’t been the best weekend in my life…I might be a little predisposed to reading bad things into everything right now.)</p>
<p>Thanks to all for your suggestions and thank heavens Parent’s Weekend is only about 10 days away!</p>
<p>China, my s. hates phone too as others have mentioned but we’ve set a system where he calls each week at time of his election and connect. He calls when dorm is quiet and most are at football, and I’ve noted increase in candor and fewer “fine” style comments (eg. the roomie is not there). But I think b/c he knows the call is coming he has time to think about the things he wants to tell me. Like others, I likely still get better quality info from FB chat at times but I figure it’s good exercise for him to polish two way phone comm skills. I have found that a “structure” of info seems to be developing. Eg. how are classes, coolest thing you’re working on; money/how it’s holding out, anything I need to know; job, how’s it going; health; social, any awkwardness; balance with courses-work-girlfriend-social-new people, getting time with gf; how’s gf adjusting, etc., what’s your biggest concern this week or source of agitation…
Sometimes a question such as" “Tell me about someone new you’ve met who you like…” or “Any good parties this week…”
(Sometimes I feel like Barbara Walters or a shrink but it yields good results and gives us more to talk about ultimately that he might not think to tell because in truth, there is just SO MUCH to tell when you’re whole world has changed that it’s hard to focus in on specifics, I think. That’s when FINE becomes a standard response -so don’t ask how, ask WHAT : )
Hope that helps.
Cheers,
K</p>
<p>Would second the Skype recommendation for China & other parents. It’s been a huge help for me. Last Skype convo, son looked happy (skin totally clear - a sign of less stress), has been working out regularly and looked healthy & not tired. Of course, a few FB posts and I’m worrying like crazy, but the Skype is big asset (easy to install–super easy to use).</p>
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<p>Other possibility is that he knows someone for whom school is easy. There is a lot of posturing and bravado w/freshman, like ‘I don’t need to study, go to class, etc.’ ‘I don’t have to break a sweat’. For some kids this is true; for others it is not, and they’ll either have an epiphany or flunk out.</p>
<p>I think the desire to keep up with the ‘see no effort’ crowd or the party crowd can drag others down. If he has to go to class, he should go and not worry about being seen as a ____ whatever derogatory phrase.</p>
<p>All this is especially true if the kid is majoring in a hard subject, surrounded by people taking relatively easy subjects.</p>
<p>I’m actually the one who dislikes talking on the phone…I guess it is because I do so much of it at work. As I’ve mentioned a couple of times, Son will descibe stuff in incredible detail…Husband likes it but I find myself wishing I had a magazine to page through or something. I’m horrible with my own parents. I don’t call them nearly often enough and when I do, I DO have a magazine in front of me to page through. Some of us are phone people and some of us are not.</p>
<p>Please get skype, ichat, whatever you can. It made a world of difference when communicating with S for the past 3 years and with D for the past month - being able to see the facial expressions, body language, general appearance can tell you so much and usually reassure you so much.
D will phone, text, email , ichat, (even write an actual letter!!) so communication has always been a-ok. S - not so much. This year we’re relying almost exclusively on phone conversations with him and -after 3 years - it’s much better.</p>
<p>PS- D had an actual date the other night. Boy took her out to dinner - off campus no less. When she offered to split the bill, he said she wouldn’t think much of him if he allowed her to do that. I thought this kind of dating was no longer happening. I must admit - I like the guy already!</p>
<p>Missypie - Yup, I too hate talking on the phone. That’s why I love caller ID so much. I actually don’t answer the huge majority of my phone calls at home 'cause I don’t want to talk to most people (at least on the phone!) I guess the combination of my son not liking it and me not liking it is just a bad thing!!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the suggestions for Skype. We actually have iChat, and have done it once (a three-way call set-up by my daugher/his sister.) That was definitely better. The problem is I don’t want to “call” him because I don’t know a good time, don’t want to interrupt, etc. I think I’ll just ask him to use iChat next time (with him “calling” me, maybe at a pre-set time).</p>
<p>I definitely feel better today…usually everything’s a little better in the morning, right? Thanks to all.</p>
<p>Wow, woody. I didn’t think that happened anymore either. Interesting though, because at this stage of life, there are no structural differences that would mean female college students have less money than male college students.</p>
<p>I suspect my son will be like his cousin who graduated from college a year ago. My nephew is tall, smart (he’s at Oxford this year after working for a year), a serious athlete (silver medal in the Maccabiah Games), and in fabulous shape but girls didn’t really fit into his busy life (great student, training hard twice a day, serious nutritional regimen, …) until a very nice girl sat across from him on an outdoor club trip and talked (and probably talked and talked and talked to keep the conversation going). She called him the next day with a suggested activity. And called again regularly and soon he discovered he was in a relationship. She’s said, “Well, he was my project.” She’s well liked by the family and friends.</p>
<p>China, how about texting to set up an ichat time. Texting is what works with my kids. I’ve got both kids class schedules on a Google Calendar so I know when they have open blocks but I typically text and ask if they want to call.</p>
<p>[ quote ] I guess it’s just the adjustment to being so in the dark about what’s really going on in his day to day life. Let’s face it, when they live home you see them every day. Even if he’s not actually verbalizing everything he’s feeling, you can pick-up alot of info just by physically seeing him. Man, that Parent’s Weekend can’t come fast enough. [ / quote ] </p>
<p>I can confirm that kids (especially boys) absolutely do NOT get the maternal need for details. I suffered too when my first (the boy) was away; getting to Parent’s Weekend and actually seeing some of the random details of his life really helped. I was also able to explain to him that I was NOT trying to micromanage or intrude on his life–it was just that for 18 years I had know pretty specifically where he was sleeping and what he was eating and that it had been my job for awhile early on to actually ensure his survival by knowing those things and so I was in a kind of “withdrawal” from that. We agreed that I would periodically ask for “random details” in an email. He would send a list of six or seven extremely minor details and that would be my fix. And it is also part of their separation and survival the first year to be so focussed on themselves and sort of “turned away” from us I think. Then when they’ve made the transition they “come back.” The non-communicative first-year now actually sends letters in the maill sometimes! Hang in there!</p>
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<p>except for the “a kid who loves to write” part, I thought I had written this and changed my name to China!</p>
<p>I do miss the after-school or evening “how was your day dear?” conversations I used to have with my S. We really shared a lot. Excitement over the music competitions and details with the whole college application process. My DD - the HS junior - isn’t as forthcoming on how her day is. “same as yesterday”… UGH!</p>
<p>After the last 4 weeks of mostly short phone calls and brief amounts of information, we actually had an hour-long phone call with D yesterday. We’ve left the time and length up to her and that has worked well. It was so nice to have a nice chat with her and fill in some of the details that I’ve wondered about. It made me miss her a lot! </p>
<p>I wonder if it has been long enough that some of the novelty of college has worn off and whether she might be a bit homesick. I have a friend whose daughter called her around the 4 week mark and was feeling very lonely and distant. I’m happy that H is heading out for parent’s weekend in a few weeks and can spend some time with her.</p>
<p>Every now and then, maybe 10-20% of the time, S will be chatty on a phone call. But even then it’s not “Guess what I did with the guys” but rather “Guess what I made my game character do”.</p>
<p>Got back from parents weekend with S last night. I have a very mixed review of the whole experience. Part of me wants to write him a letter and give him a little lesson in manners/respect and part of me wants to ignore him completely until he calls of his own accord. And of course, part of me just wants to know anything and everything he wants to tell me.</p>
<p>I learned from other parents (with sophomores and up) that freshman parents weekend is really off putting for a lot of them. So even though there were open classes on Friday, not many freshman parents were welcome in the same class with their kids. However sophomores and up, this seemed to be a resolved issue and it seems like it’s ok to be seen with your parents after freshman year. Still, even with slightly lowered expectations because I recognize he is still finding his way, I felt a little like we only saw him when he absolutely had to… like for dinner. D15 did get to tag a long most of Friday after his classes and we allowed her to hang out with him and spend that night (H picked her up kind of early the next morning), but on Saturday he barely made it over to sit with us during the 4th quarter of the football game and in the end, we never had any real one on one time that wasn’t slightly clouded by his “too cool for you” type of mood. Like I said, I cant pinpoint it exactly. Even on Sunday morning when we were leaving and asked to meet him for breakfast at 10am, it was clear he was not there in spirit in the least. I don’t know what the word is I am looking for, but it would have been nice to have him engaged in the visit in the least. While our complaints are not singular, I did feel our son took it to another level. </p>
<p>H says to just let it go and to not call him or talk to him until he calls us. And part of me thinks if you just accept the behavior it will become the norm. Part of me thinks if I ignore it, he’ll think it’s fine to be dismissive and distant all the time. He loves the school, so he could have minimally acknowledged that he is getting quite the education on our dime AND APPRECIATE some of the sacrifices we make to make his dreams possible. But lets assume that’s a more mature concept and not in the mode of most self-centered 18 year olds. So how about We flew across the country and drove over 3 hours to see him? Suck it up! But like I said, there are mixed reviews because we also had dinner with his roommates parents, his roommate and another suite mate that was a lot of fun. But as for attending ANY of the events on campus at anytime? Nope. Nothing except for the fourth quarter of the game…and even then he didn’t necessarily talk to us. I drove three hours yesterday just wanting to say to him… who the hell do you think you are? But then again, he does seem to have some great friends and I had D15 definitely confirm this. </p>
<p>Maybe it will be better when he comes home, but I have a feeling when that time comes he will be running out the door to catch up with all his HS friends. I feel like I am in some weirdly twisted Cats in the Cradle type thing. </p>
<p>However, fall in new england is absolutely stunning. H&I took some hikes, went for some walks and all in all enjoyed the view. Just wish S would have wanted even the least little bit to hang with us.</p>
<p>First–I noticed a few newbies over the weekend. Welcome.</p>
<p>Jolynne–I have absolutely no problem occasionally reminding D of the GPA she needs to keep her scholarship. It’s not just her future, but our finances that are involved. This is also explained to her. </p>
<p>In agreement that ichat(or skype), at a designated time, is the way to go along with texts and some facebook IMs. Details are lacking at times though. I’m prepping younger child (soph) now for the time he goes off to college and have told him it’s a bit hard not knowing what’s going on when I generally knew it all for 18 plus years with his sister. I’ve got 3 years, more or less, to train him 
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<h1>theory–glad son is feeling better. Same for you NMMom.</h1>
<p>modadunn-I’ve been trying to anticipate some “bad” behavior by DD at the winter break so have been thinking about it. I always go back to my “pendulum/equilibrium” theory of parenting/understanding my kids: things will swing to both extremes for awhile, but will always settle back into the norm for that child/personality. A gentle word at his next visit isn’t so out of line I think. I’m glad you enjoyed the area though. </p>
<p>DD’s visit was nice. My house felt whole again, and I most loved hearing her and younger brother laugh downstairs as I did my thing upstairs. I tried to not take over her time completely and let DH and DS have time alone with her. She did report that she always feels like she has more work to do. She just gets caught up and then is back at it. She even spent several hours reading while at home. Her grades seem to be good so far. She did four or five loads of laundry, and was thrilled to take back a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies. She planned to share in the lounge. No boys in the picture, but she’s getting out and doing things with classmates, floormates, roommate, and a friend from HS. The odd thing about the HS friend is that they dated for a year. She broke it off. They just recently became friends again. DH and I both have warned her to be careful he’s not reading something into this new relationship. I “think” they are good on that front.</p>