<p>Oh believe me missypie - you are not alone. So glad to see that things are looking up.</p>
<p>Just gave the news to H who was heading home after his workout. Now the two of them will be alone in the house together all afternoon. Son is SO going to wish he had a job to give him a legitimate reason to leave the house!</p>
<p>Y’all really are the absolute best. Time to get some lunch. Last night we were at our friend’s house - didn’t breath a word about the bad news we’d just received. One couple has a college sophomore and the other has a HS senior and we’ve all known each others’ kids literally their entire lives. During dinner the other couples started spontaneously praising Son for his maturity…made me feel sick all anew…I had to leave half a slice of perfectly wonderful cake on my plate.</p>
<p>Missypie - glad to hear there is a recovery plan. Look forward to the holiday’s!!! :)</p>
<p>Missypie, I’m so glad you were able to get some answers and reassurance from the school today. Now you and your son can move on from the disappointment and you can help him make a plan while he’s home.</p>
<p>I just have to tell you, too, how much I appreciate your openness here. It’s easy to be intimidated by all of the spectacular success stories; so much harder to open up about our fears and doubts. And it was wonderful to read the parents’ responses here - not a nasty one in the bunch, just support and helpful suggestions.</p>
<p>I know I have my fingers crossed as my son takes his last three finals this week!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Alright… stop right there. No need to go crazy on us! Let’s keep our priorities straight. If you’re given cake, it’s your right to have it and eat it too. End of story. :)</p>
<p>My advice, having been somewhat where Missy Pie is now, is to put in some safeguards with S for next semester. Somehow showing he is meeting with professors once a week or to the academic support center. It’s a good idea to go in with a system that holds him accountable to himself and to you. And perhaps discuss some strategies that he can employ when/if he feels paralysis coming on. What’s the deal with his room next semester and his roommate not coming back? </p>
<p>Son is sleeping. We gave him permission to spend the night at a friends because another friend was leaving today for the rest of winter break. He was home at 9am as promised and then promptly proceeded to take a “nap.” He said they actually all went to bed by about 1 - 1:30, so it’s not like it was anything more than a bunch of guys sitting around playing video games. I honestly wish his friends lived closer than they do, but i have to admit that even if there was absolutely no prospect of any kind of drinking, I still don’t mind the sleepover idea at this point because I hate waiting up and worrying that he’s driving so late at night. He absolutely wouldn’t drink and drive for fear of death (e.g. my killing him), but it was different in HS when he had a clear midnight curfew and sleepovers weren’t really allowed. Plus I had very good peripheral vision about what the kids were up to. However… I have to admit that I am torn between my appearing to condone the antics by saying, “go ahead and sleep over” when the only alternative is to say, “go ahead drive in snowy weather in the wee hours of the night.” </p>
<p>He sent his final paper in via email on Saturday and thinks of his four classes he’ll be in the two A’s and two B’s range. He says it really does depend on his final and the only thing he knows for sure is that whenever he thinks he’s aced it, he has not and whenever he thinks he bombed it, he’s come out on top. So basically, he knows nothing really. I will give him some kudo’s for his hearing us out on the whole appreciation lecture. H and he went to the football game yesterday and just knowing that he hurt his dad’s feelings (which are almost impossible to hurt) went a long way to understanding just how dismissive he’s come off. We’ll see how it goes!</p>
<p>:: hands Missypie a much deserved slice of wonderful cybercake ; )</p>
<p>Missypie – AWESOME news. Cake is definitely in order!</p>
<p>We went through the whole list of folks S could contact:</p>
<p>1) the prof
2) the TA
3) student health services (had him look at the online info), with the proviso that if he needed it, we could find off-campus resources
4) a friend in his dorm (and we asked him to identify specific people who he felt he could talk to – which actually led to the crux of his paralysis)
5) the resident heads in his dorm (a post-doc couple with a dog, very approachable folks)
6) his academic advisor
7) his parents
8) his doctor</p>
<p>He also realized over the summer that he needed to change some things about his social life and ECs, and that he really does thrive on a hectic schedule. Has started getting up at high school hours again (6 am) to do HW before his classes start (9:30-10ish) and finds he’s much more productive. This also gives him evenings to socialize and get heavily involved with some ECs with much less guilt. </p>
<p>He had another one of “those” classes this fall that we were worried about (it’s a three-quarter sequence, so he really needs to not tank it), and it looks like he will come through fine. Maybe even fine plus.</p>
<p>I thought I was keeping up and then all this . You have gotten wonderful advice and cybercake besides. Missypie you son has had alot to overcome and you should be proud of him. I remember at his age my parents moved away, and I basically lived on my own, I had problems in my freshman year and had to petition to stay in the program. I did nt have a clue, not that I was partying to much or anything. Once I got the clue I was on deans list, its all an adjustment. I did not tell my parents either. I was hoping to get out of the situation and eventually I did. You are a great mom with a great family, and such a big help here. I am sure it will all work out, prob at the same school he is at. usually they do everything to help, they dont like to see their kids leave it doesnt look good for them either. HUGS</p>
<p>More confessions have been forthcoming, now that the worst is known. The failing grade was at least in a subject that we thought might be trouble for Son. </p>
<p>The grade that I want to strangle him over is the C- that should have been an A. He liked the class, knew it all. There were 18 on-line quizzes he had to take for the class…he got easy 100s on the FOUR that he took. The 14 ZEROES for the ones he didn’t remember to take are what brought his grade down from an A to a C-. That behavior is so HIM…so impaired executive function.</p>
<p>I’m also irritated at the prof about the online quizzes. She’s his academic advisor so she knows all his “issues” yet never once reminded him. Plus, she’s a psych prof of all things…didn’t say a word when a kid with known Asperger’s does something so Asperger’s. Yes, he’s in college and no, it’s not the prof’s job to babysit him, but you’d think that a psych prof would take an interest and help a bit.</p>
<p>It is what it is.</p>
<p>Oh, and thanks for the cake…and hugs!</p>
<p>Our son begrudgingly let us know about a couple of bad grades in years past…
We called them “the October Surprise”.
“The grade that I want to strangle him over is the C- that should have been an A.” Yeah, something along those lines.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Gah! as my kids would say.</p>
<p>Missypie, it’s not funny, but I’m laughing about the 14 quizzes that your son forgot because I have one of those kids too. “Why didn’t you get the paper in on time, Fang Jr?” </p>
<p>“I forgot it.”</p>
<p>Fang Jr, you nitwit, I want to scream. You need to have a system to keep track of these things! You can’t do it in your head! You must write them down! Actually I do scream these things sometimes, but so far to no effect.</p>
<p>Fortunately the head of Counseling made a deal with the professor (who is also his advisor) that he could rewrite two papers over the vacation. So maybe he’ll be OK. He has the distinction of starting out as a freshman on academic probation, so he doesn’t have a lot of wiggle room.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’ve said it and screamed it. H has said it and screamed it. We’ve told him that there is a whole industry devoted to reminding people of stuff…PDAs, Daytimers, Outlook reminders…but you’re so right, so far to no effect.</p>
<p>I always think that Son’s memory is too good for his own good. He has close to photographic recall of things like poems and passages from books. Way back when, I’d read the Harry Potter books aloud to the kids…he would have already read them and would correct me if I changed a word. So I think that makes him think he can remember other things which he can’t. I keep telling him that I can’t remember a thing and neither can anyone else - that’s why we put reminders on our Outlook.</p>
<p>sigh…</p>
<p>it’s funny (not haha) how so many of us who seek solace and shelter and advice here on CC have kids like this, who forget to write a paper or do their online quizzes. That is what has me waking bolt upright in the middle of the night. I SO recall the things I had to do in HS to keep #theoryboy on task. I am not there to do this now and in fact S resents ANY attempt to nudge - so…I wait</p>
<p>Hoping my holiday present is the relative success of my child at school, but I have to say I am preparing myself for the worst.</p>
<p>Monday next we go to finish the psychological testing we started the last time he was home. If he can receive some accommodations next semester - when he realy starts having to take the classes that will be difficult for him - we may have a chance.</p>
<p>Meanwhile he says, “I am having fun…and learning” Let’s hope there is more of the latter than I am preparing myself for.</p>
<p>Like I said about my son, how do you forget to email in a basically finished assignment that is worth 20% of your grade? Knowing that the professor has a no late assignments accepted policy?</p>
<p>And my S does not have the excuse of Asbergers’.</p>
<p>All I know is that because I have a MAC and an Iphone I now forget things FAR FAR less than I ever did before. I do not have to remember to sync a thing. If I write it down one place, it shows up on the other. I can have it remind me the day before and two hours before. Heck, I even put Ellen’s 12 Days of Christmas on my calendar!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s always been such a problem with Son…if he learns the material, the rest (i.e. the grade) is immaterial. I think it’s that “perfect” Asperger’s logic that doesn’t apply in the real world…if I know the material cold, why should it matter if I didn’t take 14 out of 18 online quizzes? If I’ve learned all that I need from the class, why should it matter if the grade is an A or a C? [as Mom pounds head against desk]</p>
<p>
Good call on your part, missy. He’s spent the last six weeks living in this hell of his own making already, and he doesn’t need the added trauma to paralyze him further when he finds himself in a situation that pushes the same buttons. Better to treat it in a calm, matter-of-fact manner so that he’ll have the experience of meeting his fears and working through them. This too is a life lesson for him.</p>
<p>I’m so very glad to hear your positive news! Now, sit him down over the break – starting before Christmas if possible – and start working with him on his catch-up strategy for next semester. If using the Center for Academic Success is important for possible appeals, then he should become a regular there. And I know this may be a stretch for him, but he should ask enough questions and interact with the staff enough that any of them would recognize his name and say, “Oh yeah, I know kiddo-pie – he’s here like clockwork, at least three times a week!”</p>
<p>Whatever the class is that he failed, he should retake next semester, but he should also debrief on what aspects of the class gave him trouble so he can hit those things especially hard. Talk with him about what went wrong and what concepts he had the most trouble with. Did any outside factors contribute to his problems? Are there any accommodations he should request next time? Was the prof unsupportive, and if so, can he switch sections next time? Or if the prof was supportive, he can start asking for help now. What would the prof advise him to review as background material?</p>
<p>If his schedule will permit, he should also consider padding it with a class or two that he knows (and you concur!) will be easy for him. If a planned class will be particularly challenging and can be put off for a semester, have him put it off. He will need to be able to focus his energy on the retake. If he pulls an A on the retake, it will be like adding two A’s to his current GPA. So that should be his top priority – not that he should let the others slip, but he should arrange things as best he can to ensure success in the retake.</p>
<p>Edited to add this:
Well, now he has his answer: Getting the grade is his key to ensuring that he can stay at the school he chose on the basis that it would be the best fit for him. Having faced the specter of flunking out, he should be more receptive to this line of thought. It’s just another set of rules to follow.</p>
<p>Best wishes to him, and to you. If he wants it enough, with your wonderful support, it will work out!</p>
<p>missypie, just stopping by to give you a big hug. Thank goodness the school is willing to work with him on bringing up that GPA. </p>
<p>For some kids, if they would enter the info, Google calendar with e-mailed reminders might be a good system for things like online quizzes. My youngest depends on it for his homework.</p>
<p>Missypie - Glad that things worked out for your S. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>There is good logic in this. Our middle school principal recently told us that students would no longer be graded on homework (at least in the core subjects) because the object is for the students to know the material, not just see who turns in papers. Goes along with your S’s idea that learning the material is the key thing.</p>