<p>[A</a> SPLINT](<a href=“http://www.asplint.com/]A”>http://www.asplint.com/)</p>
<p>I found this today MissyPie. Perhaps you are already aware of this organization.</p>
<p>Interesting site, #theorymom. Looks like more life/social coaching than academic. Son has actually made a decent number of friends. We even ran into one of the suitemates on spring break. It was funny because each commented on the radical haircut that the other had gotten.</p>
<p>I’m keeping up hope that Fang Jr will go back to college in the fall (but <em>with</em> an executive function coach, probably five days a week). I’ve been over at that other Aspie thread as the attorney for the defense and am glad to have Missypie join me. How tired I am getting of people who say, My son can do X, so your son should be able to do it too, and if he doesn’t he’s a bad, lazy person who deserves to fail because he’s just not trying.</p>
<p>In other news, Fang Jr’s therapist, on hearing Fang Jr talking about learning to program so he can analyze sports data, noticed how animated and excited he was. She suggested he try to find an internship this summer doing some kind of analysis. And we found one! A professor friend has several sets of data he wants looked at, so Fang Jr is going to work on that this summer. It won’t be a job at an office, but he’ll be working, and he might get a published paper out of it.</p>
<p>CF - VERY good news for Fang Jr.</p>
<p>Oh, Cardinal Fang, that is SUCH good news!</p>
<p>CF that is AWESOME. I wish I could find something like that for #TS.</p>
<p>CF - that is wonderful news about your S! I just took a peak over at that Aspie thread. for all the wonderful support and advice on CC, there are always some parents who are so incredibly judgmental - “if you would just parent your kid like I did, you wouldn’t be having these problems.” geez. </p>
<p>that’s why I love our little supportive, kind, non-judgmental corner of CC!</p>
<p>welcome back, missypie. I hope you and your S continue to untangle this situation and start to get clarity on next steps.</p>
<p>CF - that sounds awesome. However, while I have learned a great deal about kids with Asperger’s this year, I don’t think other people truly believe that just because one kid can do XYZ, any kid should be able to. What I do think is that it gets somewhat lost in the translation when really seemingly smart kids struggle and mostly just come off as awkward. They don’t mean to be insensitive, but at a certain point (such as college), a kid really needs to advocate for himself in such a way that he is just as confident in his weaknesses as he is to know how to play to his strengths. So just keep talking without becoming condescending and point out the backwards thinking and they’ll become educated as well. However, I’ve also come to understand too that most private institutions determine how much their willing to be helpful to different kinds of learners and its not federally mandated like primary and secondary education. It has really surprised me how much more support is offered at my son’s school vs. where his older sister started in college… and frankly, older D’s school probably had more middling learners where you’d think more kids would really need the help so there is a gap and I think it’s imperative to know what a kid needs to establish a really good fit.</p>
<p>CF–congrats. You have also given me a new idea. I am ready to retire as a part time private practice therapist. But do want to do something… I wonder if I could be an
“executive function coach”. We have a number of colleges around. Just a fun new thing to think about…I guess I don’t mean fun for the student or families but I do like to help people succeed.</p>
<p>Oregon… you would be swamped and I think it’s a great idea to look into!! H’s sister’s husband is a coach to ADHD kids and I imagine some learning disabilities fall to him as well, but mostly it’s about executive function and teaching strategies and coping strategies. Their son is high functioning autistic and SIL is a teacher. He is certified as a teacher, but also did a lot of outward bound stuff in college and post college, so it actually makes for a good fit as he is really good at lifting people up without propping. I think he is literally as busy as he wants to be after starting this probably not more than a year ago. However, my current therapist is part time and I think I would cry to lose our twice a month visits!</p>
<p>Oregon101, If Fang Jr was going to school in Oregon I’d call you in a flash. I’m going to need to find him a coach in Michigan, so if anyone knows someone PM me.</p>
<p>Thanks Modadunn and CF–I know I am feeling good as on of my ADD clients just PASSED THE TEST!! which allows entry to the PHD progam. Well–puff puff–so exiciting!</p>
<p>I don’t know how people can say that if one child can do something another one should be able to. I mean would someone typically say that my child got an A in calculus so your child should too and if not they are lazy. There are strengths and weeknesses if all of us. Some people are very good at somethings and not so good at others. It’s what makes everyone unique in their own way. Why would someone assume that all children with Aspergers or something else for that matter should be able to do what another child with the same issues can. I just don’t understand…</p>
<p>Great news, CF, and chin up, Missy Pie – I know what you mean about the fear so I totally get it. But I do think if MPSon was able to do well with your particular flavor of external executive function during high school, then that kind of success can be recreated with a scenario that has him easy-to-access to you, some kind of MP-style coach, and a school that gets it.
And Oregon – great idea. Teri Markel uses Skype for same. Just a thought. Then you could help MPSon ;)</p>
<p>By their behavior, I must conclude that some posters believe that Aspergers isn’t real, and if only we helicopter parents would let our children stand on their own feet, they would learn to succeed. This is particularly bad advice for parents of Aspies, because in their areas of weakness, Aspies typically don’t learn from failure. So leaving an Aspie alone to fail means failure and then more failure.</p>
<p>I learned some time ago that what my daughter needed most to succeed was some maturity and a recognition that no one could do it for her. I don’t mean she doesn’t need help or needs to do things all on her own, but it did mean that I couldn’t arrange her life and hope she would just plug in and do the rest. So perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle of being a helicopter parent and allowing the kid to find some maturity first. Obviously, there are some things that can be done organizationally that would prove helpful, but at some point I think having the parents do it becomes debilitating for the child. Isn’t that why there are professionals? Therapists? Advisors? Life coaches? At some point it is imperative that the kid lead his own life. Again, that doesn’t mean he does it alone, but it also doesn’t mean the parent does it for them. I think there is such a push to be on a time frame k-12, college, grad school, job etc that we get a little hung up on the “when” instead of the road. Look at some of your friends… mid-40’s and above. Do you really know how they came to be where they are? Where they all on this perfect schedule? I have friends that went to college for three years, took off two, finished undergrad, worked for two or three, went back to grad school, took another job, moved to live as Expats for a decade, came back to raise their family, etc etc. Does it really matter how they got here or that they got here at all? We all have unique trajectories and some of us have barely taken off quite yet or redefining ourselves, our roles, etc. At some point, the parent hat has to come off, but I agree that it doesn’t have to be today.</p>
<p>Also… I dont see failure as a negative. It’s only really bad if you learn nothing from it. That is surely not the case with Fang son.</p>
<p>That’s a great post, Moda. S will be leaving his inpatient rehab to go live in a “sober house” in a little over a week. No, it’s nothing like Dr. Drew’s “Sober House”. During therapy, he had to identify roles for each one of his family members- how he saw us in the family dynamic. S chose me as a “hero” - the one who always wants to and tries to make things right, to work things out, to “fix” things that go wrong. It is now time for him to be his own hero and lead his own life. By being his hero, I think I enabled him to continue abusing himself- because I would always try to fix things instead of letting him learn from the problems that arose because of his drinking. I think about the “perfect schedule”–well, I’ve come to the realization that there is no perfect schedule that fits each one of us. We’re all individuals who need to make our own way in the world.</p>
<p>Sabaray, sounds like your son is progressing in his treatment. Great news! I’m thinking of you, and sending out good thoughts for his continued sobriety.</p>
<p>Sabaray – I look at you as a hero, too – because you took your son’s acts as pleas for help, took them seriously and have helped to save his life. Yes, he now has the hard work to do, and he needs to learn to be his own hero (I like that thinking; will have to share it with my S), but you looked in the depths and did not flinch when it mattered most.</p>
<p>Good post Moda - but the best part was - Failure does not have to be negative.
There are several millionaires out there that went bankrupt a time or two before figuring it out. There are actors, singers, artists, writers - all of whom who have <em>failed</em> before they have or will succeed.
Bill Gates dropped out of college…
The worst thing about failure is for those who equate failing with BEING a failure. How many people would never ride a horse or a bike if falling off meant you you were a failure so could never ride one.</p>