<p>CF, S2 doesn’t have any disabilities. He is bright and works hard when he wants to, but also can be lazy and becomes extremely stubborn when pushed. He needs to learn not to “cut off his nose to spite his face” as my mother would say. And the reason I know my mother would say this is because she said it to me all the time when I was growing up, so I have a feeling I know where his stubborness comes from. If he doesn’t learn, it just means his head is so hard the knocks don’t hurt enough.</p>
<p>S1 on the other hand is ADD-inattentive and I worry about him all the time. I wouldn’t be surprised if he woke up in his hotel room in California, forgot why he was there, and decided to spend the day at the pool. I am absolutely amazed he has managed to graduate because his head is always in the clouds. But he has been on his own since high school and seems to have gotten by one way or another. It pays not to inquire too closely into his activities, however, or I would have a heart attack. If you have ever seen the movie The Man Who Knew Too Little with Bill Murry you have a good visual of his lifestyle.</p>
<p>I resemble BOTH of those remarks! However, when it comes to your S1, if he loves what he is doing (and it certainly seems that he does), he will be awesome. in fact, his ability to hyperfocus will be a strength because while he might not pay attention to things he finds mundane, those that he loves will hold his attention far longer than a “typical” hard worker. I am rooting for him through this interview marathon he is on. I find the inattentive kid to be far more flexible when things are thrown at them. Compare this to my son who balks at any kind of last minute change… he’s got a plan and he’s sticking with it.</p>
<p>CF, I’m with missypie: you should start a thread asking about Landmark’s programs for ‘visiting college students’. They actually have 2 different programs: a 5-week summer program, and a semester-long program during the regular school year. We are considering both options.</p>
<p>I think it is unfortunate that CC has the forum about LD issues under ‘pre-college’. It’s not like the problem goes away once they get to college .</p>
<p>I started the thread, but it sank without a trace, except someone PMed me that a young friend of their family had an unsuccessful experience at Landmark. According to my respondent, Landmark offers plenty of support, and I guess instruction on how to get the support, but expects students to go and seek it out. The young friend of the family didn’t seek help at Landmark and therefore crashed and burned. </p>
<p>So-- you hear this from me, and I hear it from the other person, who heard it from the mother of the actual student.</p>
<p>Analyst, I wasn’t suggesting that your S2 has any disabilities. He does undoubtedly need to learn not to sabotage himself. The question is, what is going to promote that learning? We imagine that once someone makes a serious mistake, they will learn not to make that mistake again. It seems so obvious. But just because something is “obvious” doesn’t make it true. </p>
<p>Often a person just keeps making the same mistake over and over again. If we are that person’s parent, we’d like to find a way to stop that repeated failure. Maybe a policy of non-interference is the right answer, but then again, maybe it isn’t; maybe interfering would work out better in the long term.</p>
<p>CF, I hear you. I was clumsily trying to acknowledge that I know you have said in the past your S doesn’t learn from his mistakes, which I thought you had attributed to his disability. I see now you were pointing out that it is possible to not learn from mistakes, regardless, which is a good point. </p>
<p>I’m pretty free with offering my help. When S2 said he couldn’t contact his advisor and had to physically stop by because he didn’t have a phone number or email address for him, I told him, “If you give me his name, I will look it up right now and text his number and email to your phone so you can make an appointment, which is what I recommend you do.” He said, “No, I’ll handle it.” His last message indicated he had met with the advisor and things were progressing although still not clear if he could register tomorrow. Not sure what he has learned, but he sounded less stressed.</p>
<p>On a related note, there have been a lot of threads where parents are advised to not offer any opinion unless asked and even then to tread lightly. I’m not sure I’m capable of that. If either of my boys sends me an email or picks up the phone, they get an earful of opinions every time–no special request needed. They call and email a lot when things aren’t going well or they are stuck with a decision (much less when everything’s great), so I take it that is their way of asking, even if they seem to ignore what I have to say more often than not.</p>
<p>S1 sent a text message last night right before his exit interview that said, “its goin well.” I can’t wait to get the details. I’m hoping he calls sometime today between flights but we might not get a full debrief until tonight when we pick him up (midnight).</p>
<p>S2 sent an email this morning that he was able to register and got the classes he wanted/needed.</p>
<p>When to give advice can be a fine balance, especially as our kids get older. I try really hard to listen, ask questions, and let them talk it out, instead of just jumping in with “the answer.” This process works much better with D, simply because she actually talks! S never has much to say, so sometimes i revert to telling him what to do – which I’m sure he tunes out. I can actually relate to the tuning out, though – H is off the charts in the “telling you what to do” department. He does it with all of us, even in cases when we’re not really asking for answers/advice/opinions. I’ve learned to just let him say what he thinks, and then ignoring it, or not. D & S get noticeably defensive, which makes H angry, and the spiral continues.</p>
<p>My mother refuses to offer her opinion on anything and I process that as a sign that she doesn’t care. It is one of my pet peeves. When H was asking me which of these two jobs I preferred for S, I told him I just don’t know and he jumped all over me, saying I was being just like my mother. I will reach an opinion after I have more information and I will let S know that opinion. At the same time, I will draw out his ideas and ultimately he will reach his own conclusion. My opinion is just one piece of information for him, not a mandate. H will have an opinion too (although he is also on the fence until we have more info about how this last interview process went). Everybody in the family is strong enough to be able to handle different points of view without being overly influenced or upset.</p>
<p>CF - several years ago it seemed to be “common knowledge” on the Asperger boards that Landmark was NOT friendly to LD students who also had an AS diagnosis, although they did welcome ADD students. Parents reported at that time that Landmark was upfront about this, but perhaps with the growing use of the AS dx, their attitude has changed?</p>
<p>Analyst… aint it a *itch! Good for S2 for getting it done! </p>
<p>There are currently 3 spots in the class S wants for summer school. I have not heard from him and so I am guessing he’s not interested… and if he is, there will be a lot more hoops to jump thru.</p>
<p>My issues however are more with D16 who is really quite a rude little snit in the morning (let alone the rest of the day). Part of me would like to completely ignore her, but I have a feeling that is what she is hoping for! So another part of me feels like her punishment should be to spend every moment with me! </p>
<p>H and his “opinion.” My joke (not sure if it qualifies as that or just sarcasm) is that he is the only one who is allowed one. He pontificates to the point where it’s no longer opinion but a mandate. Such a burden to always be right. Ha!</p>
<p>We had a chance to stop by DS’s school a couple weeks ago and he let us into his dorm room for about 5 minutes. Here is what we saw, in piles on the floor unless noted:</p>
<p>His Halloween costume
Parts of the cookies I sent for bd (on desk)
Unopened box of contacts we ordered because they were needed “right away”
A graded paper from last semester’s Calc class. Various other stacks of papers and notes.
4 boxes of organic cereal (roommate’s and located on floor in geographic center of room)
2 guitars and a bass (bass belongs to ??)
Several changes of clothes and 1 shoe all belonging to roommate
A bottle of Tide, a coke can, part of something once edible in a fastfood wrapper
But none of DS’s clothes were on the floor! They were wadded up in laundry basket or on bed.
That’s my boy</p>
<p>Another time when I wish CC a “like this” button! I too have a more-than occasionally rude little snit D16. And an H like CBBBlinker’s who gives waaaay too much advice and then gets hurt when the kids react badly. He comes by it honestly - my FIL can be a bully in the advice giving department.</p>
<p>eggmom - only one coke can?! LOL! this is why I am soooo glad D’s college is a 12-hour drive away. I imagine her dorm room to be very similar, including the unopened packages that we express mailed to her because they were so <em>important</em>.</p>
<p>Re: the H opinion/mandate thing.
I think it goes back to the Men are from Mars, Women from Venus thing. Whenever I talk with about a problem with H, he really needs to provide an answer. On the other hand, I really need just to talk about it. Such is life…</p>
<p>TheAnalyst - So do you think this is EDM*? Perhaps this is the new “past behavior” that will be the template for new “future behavior”.</p>
<ul>
<li>Remember Evidence of Developing Maturity?</li>
</ul>
<p>My H is the same way and he comes by it honestly - in his family, there’s THEIR way to do something and the wrong way. They know the only correct way to do everything. My poor niece with the newborn is having trouble with breastfeeding…poor thing…I’m sure that if she’d just listen to my father in law’s advice, it would go perfectly…(not).</p>
<p>Funny you mentioned that about Landmark not being so welcoming of students with Asperger’s. I’ve spent a lot of time on their website, looked at their You Tube videos, and checked out ther varous Facebook pages, and I noticed that there was never a mention of Asperger’s.</p>
<p>LOL, eggmom. We went ahead and brought home the extra sheets, knowing that there is no way they’ll be used before the semester ends.</p>
<p>Eggmom’s description of the room has my head spinning slightly. My kid has brought nothing home from the start of the year, we’ve actually sent him more stuff and what he took originally was taken in those vacuum bags! I honestly think a road trip option is probably necessary. I’ve asked about summer storage to no reply. These things of which there is no reply are starting to build up and frankly, making me anxious. </p>
<p>I can just see any FIL giving breastfeeding advice! Too funny. But it is the way of my H to think if you bring any issue to him in any context, it is now his job to “fix” it. And one time I said, you know… sometimes I just want to verbalize and get a hug. He looked at me as if this was the most pointless use of time he’d ever heard of. Truly dumbfounded. He, on the other hand, ruminates over things silently and then comes to a decision/conclusion that has somehow become chiseled in stone.</p>
<p>PS I remember evidence of developing maturity - I just haven’t seen it lately!</p>
<p>My FIL had very strong opinions of where the flower arrangements at our wedding reception should go…so strong that when I arrived at the reception, they were in the place HE wanted rather than the place I wanted. What FIL even NOTICES the flowers at a wedding reception, much less moves them?! And just in case you haven’t figured this out after all these years, the only parenting advice anyone ever needs is in the book of Proverbs…don’t know why we even bother to post on this board…we should just be reading Proverbs.</p>
<p>Too funny re: breastfeeding advice. Like, do they think they REMEMBER??? Equally hilarious to me are men who insist on recalling classes/prenatal instruction while in the delivery room. Not a hit, shall we say ;)</p>
<p>
The Analyst, both we and our sons must be related.
Like you, I suspect McSon calls/shares when he is either seeking an opinion, a call to action OR a confrontation of sorts just to get his own adrenalin pumping or sort out his own ideas via vigorous argument or occasional therapeutic active listening. I actually think he’s developed this tactic to deal with ADD-Inattentive, because he doesn’t seem great at the internal dialogue of decision-making without some kind of impending drama/doom/consequence or other stim et al.</p>
<p>With respects to opinions, of which I have an abundance, I personally prefer people willing to express theirs to me (which seems more authentic, because let’s face it, everyone has one), but increasingly have just come to the point of asking first before I launch into mine, eg: Are you interested in hearing my opinion about that? or You might not like my opinion about that, would you still like me to share?
It helps remind them and me that it IS just an opinion, and not the gospel ;)</p>
<p>And PS I too had a mother who did not express opinions, and I didn’t like it. I also knew she actually HELD opinions. It was always the unspoken disapproval or apparent apathy that I hated. I preferred to talk things out.</p>
<p>When I delivered S via C-section, H was dumbfounded, truly speechless for the first time in his life. Second time around with D, he thought he was Chief of Surgery at Mass General.</p>
.</p>