<p>We just heard that my husband’s cousin took his own life last night. We don’t know many details. Cousin had a troubled life (a child of alcoholics; issues of substance abuse; probably other kinds of abuse); was not someone the family particularly liked or sought out; I hardly knew him. But no one saw this coming or wished this on his wife/family. H is feeling guilty for not having somehow tried to reach out more, not having sought him out …</p>
<p>H is making the drive to pick up son. Not sure if he yet has any ideas about storage. I gave him some info, but then am leaving it up to him. I have a feeling we’ll be having to make the trek to take him back in the fall! Yesterday he sent a photo via text - gotta love technology - of his final project in his studio art class. It truly is pretty cool and I am glad H is picking him up so he can bring it home. The professor was hugely complimentary and then asked if he was ready to change his major since he has such an obvious talent. Can’t you have talent and not major in it? I think it’s a great outlet and I am happy to be supportive, but I do not want him to change his major.</p>
<p>I sent my mom one of those edible bouquets, but now that I think about it, she lives very near to nashville and so I wonder if the company is even open! Off to check that out. I am not a huge fan of Mother’s day. And given that my 16 year old has been “in a mood” of late, I am not sure there will be sincerity behind whatever she says or does. Not a good attitude to go into the day. However, I did watch the Middle the other night where she compared Mother’s Day to Father’s Day… and it was true! All I really want for Mother’s day is to be treated like it’s father’s day. Is that terrible?</p>
<p>So sorry for all this terrible news. Zetesis’s tragedy and CF’s story of lonely aunt are so sad. {{Hugs}} to everybody…
I took the day off assuming H would do the same so we could get an early start to pick up S. Really, what was I thinking…H now says he’ll be home by 4.(HAHAHA!) We’ll be lucky to make it to Montreal by 1AM.</p>
<p>Moda - What does that mean? Father’s day/mother’s day thing…</p>
<p>Zetesis and CF: so sorry about all of these sad things. I just wish life didn’t have to be so hard and hurtful at times. </p>
<p>PRJ, I remember rounding up boxes and hauling things across campus to store. I happened to see an ad for a box service…and actually considered it…but as we are so close to D we’ll be making the trek over to load up and bring it home. I left D with flat boxes and a tape gun last weekend so we’ll see how she does in the packing department. Probably shouldn’t hold my breath there.</p>
<p>Not missypie, but since I have a son with similar difficulties, only worse, let me take a crack at it. </p>
<p>We have to choose among the choices we have. I wish I could choose for my son not to have Aspergers, but that choice is not available to me. So we need to figure out what will be the best life path for him, given his reality.</p>
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<p>That’s the issue. Well, actually, maybe it’s not the issue for my family, because my son is so good in some academic areas, and so bad in some other areas, that if he were trying to get a job based on his life skills, no one would hire him. (I didn’t even know anyone ever reported a point three, yes 0.3, percentile until I saw it on my son’s assessment. And yet he’s 99th percentile in math ability. Why yes, that is a difference of five standard deviations.)</p>
<p>He’ll never be a diplomat, or a secretary. He probably couldn’t work at a fast food counter or customer service. We hope that eventually he’ll be so good at what he’s good at that people will hire him for it. We try to remediate the weak areas to move him up to bare acceptability, knowing he might always need help and hoping people will think he’s worth helping.</p>
<p>I’m not clear on what you think your lawyer relative should have done instead. Now he’s a lawyer, and although he can’t work as fast as other lawyers, he can do law. If he hadn’t gone to law school, he still wouldn’t be fast. What was the choice that was better for him?</p>
<p>Glad you went first, Cardinal Fang.</p>
<p>The first analysis is college vs. no college. As Cardinal Fang said, fast food or customer service would be a disaster. His fine motor coordination is poor, so a trade in which he works with his hands would not be a good career path. (Plus, he would defintely be the plumber you would fire because he forgot your appointment.)</p>
<p>So the analysis comes out in favor of a college degree. In my mind, having a degree puts one in a better position for future employment than not having a college degree. </p>
<p>I do remember someone posting somewhere on CC about knowing a young man with Asperger’s who earned multiple degrees in history but is now working at a grocery store. That is always a scary possibilty, but my very bright friend from high school who doesn’t have Asperger’s has earned multiple degrees in psychology and is now working at a grocery store. People with Aspergers have a huge problem with un- and under-employment, but lots of other people do too.</p>
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<p>Yes, Temple Grandin is a prime example. Her area of expertise is very narrow…but she’s made a great contribution to the world.</p>
<p>One other thought - one hopes that one’s child would receive a *good education *in college, whether he graduates with a 4.0 or a 2.0. Son has mastered *the material *in the two courses for which he received a C due to not completing on-line out of class work. I’ve always admired Son for valuing what he has learned in the class over the grade he made.</p>
<p>Thank you for responding. Cardnal - I don’t know what my family member could have or should have done differently, if anything at all. I didn’t mean to sound like I thought he should have done something differently. What I do know is that HE is unhappy with his life right now. He says it’s like he saw a certain life, but he understands now that he’s not going to have that life (lawyer, climbing up corporate ladder, becoming CEO…). He is seeing his own limitations that while he was in school, he didn’t really see. He worked hard and he met his goals. In the working world, it’s different. </p>
<p>I think what I’m hearing from both of you is that you and your children are somewhat pioneers. With very few exceptions, in the past these life paths were not open to children with differences. Now they are, however there is no guarentee that the out come will be “better” or different. But there is hope that it will be. </p>
<p>As for my own daughter, I will have to think about this for awhile. She does not have Aspergers, so her issues although in many ways similar, are not as extreme. Thank you both for your perspective. I hope the best for you and your children. You are both wonderful advocates for your kids!</p>
<p>cpeltz and zetesis, those deaths sound very hard. </p>
<p>In uplifting news, S1 just forwarded me a news account of one of his friends (they played on the same basketball team in high school) who is expected to be drafted next month to play major league baseball. The nice thing about the story is he was not considered to be much of a player in high school and only got a walk-on position in college (no scholarship) at a small school not even well known for its baseball. He will only be the 8th player in the school’s history to be drafted by a major league club. According to the coaches, he progressed through sheer effort and their coaching skills. Interestingly, they are not admitting they made any mistake in their initial assessment, but say he is now probably the best player ever produced by the school (and is on scholarship now).</p>
<p>Father’s Day around here consists of my making breakfast. Mother’s Day is kids making breakfast. I will admit that this is evening out over the years because the kids have become better cooks. Father’s day is dad watching golf, playing golf or both. Mother’s day is usually some type of family activity that only I want to do OR it’s about everyone asking me what they can do for me, but don’t necessarily mean it. I have on standard request on this day and my birthday – please clean your rooms. It never happens.</p>
<p>Zetesis, I’m so sorry about the terrible loss to your family. Suicide, more than most things I can think of, probably brings up regret for those left behind. Analyst, what a great story.</p>
<p>Mother’s Day for me this year will be golfing and going with my fabulous hubby to my favorite neighborhood Italian for their fabulous tricolore salad and vino!</p>
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<p>The working world is really hard for most people with disablities. If you look at the stats, blind people, for example, also tend to be underemployed or unemployed. Even with the ADA, it’s not easy for most folks with disablities to get challenging, fullfilling jobs. But as I said before, lots of people can’t find challending or fullfilling jobs. We all just have to do our best, keep trying, and try to make intelligent decisions.</p>
<p>I have a relative with what would be considered “low normal” intelligence - never been classifed as mentally challenged, but pretty darned close. His parents have never gotten out of the denial stage…they’ve just always acted like he is college material and never had a plan B and now he is the stereotypical 23 year old living in his parents’ basement. In my view, they did not make intelligent decisions.</p>
<p>^^ missypie, we have a relative in nearly the same situation: parents refused to acknowledge that child had (diagnosed) LDs and needed a special track or special help throughout school. The result is that child has had repeatedly unhappy academic experiences and refuses to go to college at all …</p>
<p>Z- My thoughts, prayers and sympathies to you and your family. How very sad.</p>
<p>Analyst-your story is indeed uplifting. Good for that young man for sticking it out when others didn’t see his potential. Good luck to him in the draft.</p>
<p>Z – My sympathies too. There are so many ripples outward from suicide. Very, very sad.</p>
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<p>I definitely worry about how my son will perform once he hits the “working world”. He is very good at learning, and extremely bad at demonstrating what he has learned. Actually that is not quite accurate. He is a great test taker, but (due to extremely low processing speed) is very slow to produce a “work product”. Maybe he should be a professional test taker, hum, is that legal :)?</p>
<p>I guess I’ve decided to adopt a “hope for the best” attitude. In this perfect future that I envision, he will find a job that suits his particular abilities, and isn’t too horribly impacted by his areas of weakness.</p>
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Yep, we’ve got that wide disparity here too: 0.4 percentile (processing speed) to 99.8 percentile :eek:.</p>
<p>First of all, ((group hug)). Way too much sorrow in the space today. Nature sympathizes with all her rain!</p>
<p>Secondly, Geogirl, just something to consider: what if a) your brother is actually BETTER OFF now for the stimulation that education gave him and b) could find a way to GET FASTER and compete. Or just bill less per hour. Or work 1.5 hrs for each individual hour in private practice. Sounds to me like what he’s up against isn’t the phenom of his speed/capability – which ultimately can be accommodated by a willingness to take more time for a little less money and still do what one loves. What he’s up against might be his idea of himself – since many kids with ADHD or LDs suffer low self esteem, whether outwardly triggered or internally triggered. So maybe with your D, just make sure she feels good about wherever she’s at and guide her to define her own goals without limitation but with a view to overcoming obstacles.</p>
<p>I am the parent of a recently diagnosed ADD-Inattentive kid who in particular has auditory and visual scanning issues. Right now I am reading a book by a fellow (google Dr. DR. Amnon Gimpel) who purports the entire ADHD game has essentially changed since 2004, and that in reality, the root cause of ADHD symptoms can actually be mitigated by Brain Exercise Therapy and cerebellum exercises per DORE program (as we’ve now discovered the brain is far more plastic than we thought; able to generate new connections and increase synaptic activity and volume.) (FYI, he so far seems like the most “straight up common sense” popular author who actually ‘jives’ with the current research, as opposed to personal profiteering like some.)</p>
<p>His advice based on your observation would be to encourage and guide a child to follow their dream, ASSUME they’re capable (even if they’re not capable now) and then coach them in all the inputs (aerobics 5x week, nutritional management, brain exercise therapy, cerebellum specific therapy, collaborative problem solving, etc. – all things that unlike the meds, actually cause a permanent physiological improvement long term) required to get there.</p>
<p>The meds do a great job (apparently, my son is not presently on them) but they relieve symptoms as opposed to addressing the actual underlying functionality. Sometimes you need the meds to be in a coachable condition (several authors acknowledge this.) But it’s not the end of the road, or at least doesn’t have to be.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure jumping jacks and drawing triangles with both hands at the same time will not necessarily “cure” ADHD (although wouldn’t it be cool if it did?). </p>
<p>And I understand the wondering, because I do the wondering too (eg. should he really be in such a challenging environment? He says yes he should, because it’s IMPROVING his self-management skill and capacity to focus…) </p>
<p>The authors of Delivered from Distraction (Edward M Hallowell, John J Ratey) maintain that the two most important things for an adult with ADD is to find the “right” job that plays to their strengths and marry the “right” partner who will accept them for who/how they are. The principal author, btw, has ADD, graduated med school, became a psychiatrist – in other words, achieved his dreams despite the obstacle of the precise procrastination/busywork-avoidance proclivity that a few of our sons around here seem to share. </p>
<p>Gotta run, just thought I’d throw my hat in the ring too.</p>
<p>Happy Mother’s Day to you all.
McSon is up north, so if I’m terribly bored on a Sunday read-munch-sleep-look-at-the-rain, I might post about the Mother’s Day from Hell when I lost my then-6-yr-old McSon in the swampy woods.</p>
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<p>Now that is a story I definitely want to hear. I’ll counter with the tale of the phone call I got from my husband when on bed rest for D…took S on a walk to visit a relative…where S may or may not have eaten medicine left on the table. Epic Mother’s Day in Children’s Hospital.</p>
<p>I have been on the same conference call for over 6 hours…just sayin’…I am about to scream!!!</p>
<p>Oh I’m sorry missypie. Sounds agonizing.</p>
<p>I will confess that I’m tempted to post something so hysterically funny that you will burst into uncontrollable giggles and snorting guffaws at some particularly inappropriate time in the call.</p>