Haha…this is the thing about the FB Parent groups that bugs me! A parent will ask a question or express a concern and 5 people will tell them their student is an adult and the parent needs to let the student figure it out themselves.
As the parent of a non-neurotypical kid who does need more support at 20 than I wish or ever imagined I’d need to provide, I want to scream, “Not all kids develop at the same rate or are ready for the same level of independence!” No one knows what scaffolding an individual student needs, or what painstakingly planned steps to independence a particular family is working through.
But overall so far I’ve found the parent groups for WPI (S23) and UMass Amherst (S24) to be really positive and full of helpful advice and encouragement on a really wide range of topics.
Agreed. I also think we, as adults, forget that often times these are the first times a student is encountering a specific problem/issue. They don’t have decades of experience to draw from that we (as parents) do to navigate all sort of issues.
With each of my children, I have provided what I considered appropriate scaffolding. That has ranged from telling them explicitly that their professors are very excited to see students at office hours and they should go at least once to office hours in every class, that it is ok to get teary with a professor if that happens (no professor anywhere will be upset to see a student takes their subject seriously), to suggesting how to write or revise an email, listening and giving feedback about how to tackle an issue, researching possible programs/internships and attending accommodation meetings via zoom as moral support.
I’m reminded of a quote I read years ago, “If you can’t imagine something, you can’t do it”. Scaffolding has helped my children understand there are ideas, solutions and options they (with their limited knowledge and experience) might not have been able to imagine. And also how to access assistance from lots of people other than me or DH.
Another quote (I think this might be from Grey’s Anatomy), “Watch one, Do one, Teach one”. The scaffolding isn’t forever, it is there to bridge the knowledge/experience gap. And it is amazing to watch the confidence develop as a student feels supported, sees progress and becomes more independent successfully. Both D20 and D23 have paid it forward with their friends by explaining how they solved an issue and who their friends might want to contact, what they might want to do.
I feel your pain. My son, who has just wrapped up his junior year, has had brain surgery to remove tumors twice in the past 5 years and another one is showing on scans, he takes heavy duty, black box warning side effect medicines 7x a day and is sufficiently unwell that he is usually in bed when not in class. Every day is a struggle. I wish people would cut other parents and students some slack - some kids need additional assistance. You never know what someone else’s situation is. Judge not. Scroll and roll is a great option.
Some people (many recently) have noted food as a serious concern.
It wasn’t for my kid until it was bad (or not great).
Others make fun or even insult people for using food as something in choosing a school - which is wrong - everyone chooses school for their own personal reason.
But there is no question that food and / or dorms for many - are important. And for some, they don’t realize its importance until it’s too late.
S24 has 4 more APs in the next 2 weeks and Spring sport is in full swing where his team has exceeded expectations and is in the top 5 in the state. He is a starter so the pressure is high. His college is offering a free course over the summer (limited to ED students) where he can knock off some credits and that just started too. Add to that being smitten with the new gf and spending time together at every chance. Oh and he is working hard on creating a nice promposal poster while getting inputs from his much more creative brother who is in college.
He has asked me to stop looking at Aspen for my own sanity.
The boy is getting a crash course in time management which he needed desperately!
Has anyone’s child made the choice to go to a school that isn’t the best academically ranked school? My son got off the waitlist at a highly ranked private school but decided to stick with the lower ranked public school he already committed to (both are OOS, cost isn’t a factor). As a parent, I’m letting him make his own choice, but I have to be honest, I’m having a hard time with the choice.
I just dropped off S24 for the AP lit test. He has been dreading it for the past 2 months, since he realized he had to hand-write his essays.
And it is possible he woke up with strep throat this morning. My non-verbal 11 year old was home over the weekend, and he always drinks from our cups, eats off our plates, etc. Monday morning his residential school let me know he has strep. This morning S24 & I work up with sore, swollen throats.
He would love to get a 4 on the test because it will get him out of a literature or art Gen Ed course, but given the circumstances that might be a miracle.
Both wanted lower ranked - for their reasons. One so he could have his own dorm room and was closer to mom. The other - I knew the minute we visited - it was game over. Just loved the vibe of the campus/community.
So far so good.
One employed with the same kids that go to much higher ranked schools - as he told me - only me and US News care . That I was wrong (I was like you)…That the companies don’t. He was right. Now his major is engineering and there’s an overall accreditation that companies want - so it may be different.
My daughter got into W&L and goes to a school not in the same hemisphere rep wise. She also got into top publics like UF, UGA Honors, U of SC - and still chose #16 of #17 rank wise she got into. So far an internship with the state and a top think tank. The future - no idea?
Kids are going to school and they have to be there four years day after day.
If they work hard and hustle, they can find opportunity anywhere.
In my daughter’s case, she works hard and stands out - she’s got lots of enrichment - whereas at a UF or W&L, etc. she’d just be one of the crowd.
Many many many kids choose safeties for various reasons - and it’s fine - they are the ones going to school. Not you and I.
Good luck to your student…no matter where you go, you, not the school, is going to make your success.
Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate your insight
I’m proud of my son for thinking it through and weighing the options and will 100% support him but it’s hard. I’m glad it’s his decision to own and like you said have told him that hustling and working hard the next four years are the most important thing.
Sort of, in the sense my kid chose WUSTL over Carleton, and I think at least some would see Carleton as the more rigorous academically.
And while I do think that is a valid consideration, my two cents is often your academic experience is more what you make of it anyway, within a wide range of colleges at least. Like if if you want to seek out challenging, interesting classes, you will be able to do that at many colleges. It may be a little harder to do the opposite at a Carleton, but even then kids will talk about easier profs, easier majors, you will be better at some things which you can stick to . . . .
So I don’t see it as a big deal, meaning I don’t think picking the more academicky college necessarily means a more academicky experience, it will mostly still be a matter of choices to come.
He was accepted to one initially. He was not accepted to the other.
He did what he should - he fell in love with the acceptance. Perhaps he met other kids or envisioned his four years.
That’s what the WL schools risk by not accepting a student. He pushed them to the side and when they came calling, he said -nope, I’m good.
One school loved me from the get go and after looking under the hood (and probably securing housing and or a roommate or at least connecting somehow), he fell in love / like - and as a parent, that should make you extremely happy.
PS - higher ranked doesn’t necessarily equal better education. And WL likely have low yields - so he won’t be the only turning down the school. The school said no. They used you for insurance - and they lost. Happens and will happen to many - and they’ll keep going til they get enough yes’s…
Mine did. He chose a lower ranked school that he got into with a small honors program of 100 kids, so he has access to best professors in 12-15 person seminar classes, research and summer opportunities with it through program, and other perks.
His main criteria was feeling “academicky”. He likes being around engaged and motivated students. His highest ranked school definitely felt that way on the visit, but it also had some yellow flags. The one he chose felt like a great fit and then he can make it even more academicky in the program.
Also, if he’s just a number at the higher ranked then maybe it won’t be more academicky in the end anyway.
My kid did make that decision. He came off the wait list at a super elite but chose a school that was arguably lesser rated but a peer.
It wasn’t an easy decision but once made he never looked back. He got very detailed as to the schools offering and opportunities and choose based on fit. The decision was made easier by all of his options being ones he felt blessed to have and never thinking of a WL as a rejection. He continued to consider the possibility he would get taken off WL and never gave up hope and did his diligence.
This is why wait lists shouldn’t be considered rejections and discarded but instead back burnered and instead considered based upon the available historical data and specifics of their situation.
I think your student should also consider the degree of disparity between the schools academics.
My daughter chose Mount Holyoke over “better” Bates and Hamilton. She knew when we visited that Mount Holyoke was the one. Ultimately, their college experience is what they make of it, and I know she will thrive there.
Both of my kids have done this. S22 took the NMF scholarship at Bama. To date, we have paid less than $5000 for his education there. He just wrapped his second year. Most of the cost was airfare for a summer aboard and a freshman meal plan. He is double-majoring in Computer Science and Geography. He is a project leader on the EcoCar team and working with the LGBT community on historical projects in Tuscaloosa. He is very much enjoying his time there. D24 focused not on the reputation of the school, but on the individual reputation of the program she was applying to. For example, she applied to Arizona because of its reputation in space and geoscience. She applied to Oregon State because of its reputation in oceanography. She applies to Mines because of its reputation in Mining Engineering. She wanted to find a niche that suited her. Ultimately, she chose NC State and Textile Engineering at its Wilson School. Frankly, I think her approach to applications was refreshing and inventive.
I really appreciate all the responses.
He definitely turned down a more prestigious school but it’s a school he’s never been truly excited about. He feels strongly about choosing his own path and being true to himself and I can’t fault him for that.
It seems like generally prestige of these schools matters less to these kids than it did to our generation.
As a parent it’s bittersweet, proud that he’s confident enough to stand on his own yet not sure his 18 years have given him the experience to truly understand what he’s passing up.
I’m very much turning the page and supporting him but appreciate being able to process and get advice here.
Very much student dependent - some choose a school solely because of the name and reputation. Many chance mes are Ivy or Top 20 - whereas the kids barely know anything about the schools other than what US News lists them.
It’s very much an individual thing - in how/why kids choose a school. Clearly, for your student, pedigree isn’t the top thing and for him that’s fine.
It’s always good to look deeper - at things like class size, enrichment opportunities, curriculums, strength in the major (which doesn’t always align with a school’s overall strength), sports, dorms, food, environment (city, suburban, rural), weather, greek life, distance from home, architecture/look of campus, costs - there’s just so many things. This way students can at least make an informed decision and if it’s solely based on rank - that’s ok too - if that’s what they truly want.
That your student was not into the school is enough reason not to consider it.
Best of luck to him - and this is one of many big decisions he’ll make in life - and it’s great he’s growing up and thinking things through.
If it is any help, decades of life experience after going to a generally prestigious college have just convinced me it does far less for you than some people are hoping. They have lots of resources and so if you make good use of those resources they can be good colleges. But they are far from unique in that respect, and people looking for some tremendous boost in life prospects just from the name on their college sweatshirt are very likely to be disappointed. The hustle really never ends, at least not for people who come from more or less ordinary families and who have to work for a living.
So I will personally always bet on the kid who understands that fundamental truth and is willing and able to chart their own path with purpose and enthusiasm over the kid who is de facto hoping for an external marker of merit to carry them through. Not that all the kids who go to fancy colleges are in the latter group, indeed I think they do a pretty good job finding mostly the former. But the kids in that former group are going to succeed because of who they are, not because of the exact college they choose.
My daughter just chose UGA over Emory and Macalester. She’s superexcited about her choice!
In other news, she’s taking AP Lit today and is cranky because she must face the bugbear of her-mother-the-lit-professor. But all of the pressure is coming from her own mind, not from me!
A parent will ask a question or express a concern and 5 people will tell them their student is an adult and the parent needs to let the student figure it out themselves.
