Parents of the HS Class of 2024 (Part 2)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
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Just wanted to pop in and say that it was this time of year that I got a very weepy call from my usually very even keeled daughter. She was lamenting how she didn’t feel like she made any “real” friends and that it all felt very superficial. She was definitely comparing it to her HS friend group who she had been with for years. I don’t think it was until February that she finally started to feel like she was truly fitting in and finding her people.

Hugs to all who are going through this with their kids!

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I found that to be true with my girls. The one who had a large tight knit group of high school friends has had a much tougher transition to college socially.

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@Thorsmom66 and parents of other kids who are struggling

First, I am sorry your child is struggling. It is so hard to watch our kids suffer, and it feels, to them, like they are alone in their struggles, but I truly believe the vast majority of kids struggle with some, and sometimes all, aspects of freshman year adjustment. Both my S24 and my D24 have struggled in their own unique ways.

Second, I am a huge believer in creating options. Applying to transfer is a far cry from deciding to transfer. For a kid who is struggling, maybe it would help them to consider transferring and fill out those applications. If things get better, they can always decide to stay. An application is not a commitment. But, on the flip side, if they don’t fill out applications to other schools where they think they may be happier, that will certainly mean they have fewer options at the end of second semester.

Unfortunately, for many schools, you have to complete a full year before you can actually transfer. One of my daughter’s best friends finished her fist semester of college last year, then went home, thinking she could transfer, but had to learn the hard way that the schools she wanted to transfer to required her to complete a full year of undergrad before she could be considered a transfer student.

That said, I also agree that, for most students, second semester will be better. When it comes to making friends and finding a group, I remind my kids that it take substantial time to really get to know someone’s character. Sure, some kids may be the life of the party and make connections quickly, but it takes time for someone to see that your kid is the one who can be trusted to keep a confidence, the one who will step up in an emergency, the one who will make sure their friends make it home safely, the one who is accountable, the one who is consistently kind.

Many hugs to everyone whose kids are struggling. I am reminded again of how much I value this safe space. It seems like, in “real life,” almost all my friends (except my very close friends) just put on the smiley happy face and rave that their kid is in the “perfect” place and that everything is “perfect.” We all know it’s not true, but we do it anyway.

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Quick update on my S24 who fell and busted his face. He arrived home yesterday evening and it appears to be worse than I had thought. :frowning: He has stitches in 3 places and he joked that he looks like a Parrot Fish because his lips are so swollen. His entire face is a swollen, bruised mess. I have a bad feeling he is going to need plastic surgery. I was able to get him in with his dentist to repair three minor chips in his teeth. I know he is dreading going back to school on Sunday and just wants to hide under a rock until the swelling and bruising subside. We were joking that he needs to be a bank robber for Halloween so he can wear a full face mask. :frowning:

Now, as bad as all of that is, I am incredibly grateful that two of his roommates and two girls who live across the hall all stayed with him at the hospital until 4 am and have been checking on him to make sure he is OK. It is heartwarming to know that he seems to have made some good, caring friends.

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Those conversations are SO hard. I have had a few with S24 struggling academically, wanting to change his major, and also with the exhaustion that comes with rush activities. It’s hard to want to just go there and hug them and make everything better but also know they learn and grow from these experiences. I think I have said many times over the last couple months- you can do hard things, you are never stuck, you will grow from this…but inside I am struggling myself. Big hugs to you and your son :pleading_face:

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At my D’s dropoff, a dean spoke to the freshman parents and mentioned that his office often gets calls from parents after kids call and vent to parents. In some cases, the Dean’s office said that when they talk to the kid, the kid is fine. They surmise that the kids use the calls with parents to vent/let out emotions, and often that helps them regulate. I don’t share this to minimize your S’s feelings - you know him best and he may in fact really be struggling – but maybe telling you difficulties helps him think about it and put it in perspective. That may lead him to consider transferring, or may lead him to think about staying. Either way it is tough for the parents, and I feel for you. But I like to keep this idea about being a “safety valve” for kids emotions in case they need it.

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I also think it’s super easy for us to hear the negatives more loudly than the positives. Maybe it’s because all conversations are more limited to start - like if my kid had a bad day in high school it was “oh man, what a bad day” but then you saw them at dinner and breakfast and the next day was fine and the bad moment was in the rear view mirror. But hearing about a bad day …. And then nothing, because they are far away … the bad day lingers longer for us, while they’ve moved on and had a great dinner and great breakfast and it’s all fine. That was my sense when we visited D24 a few weeks ago, she had had a bad day over Labor Day weekend, and I realized I had been worrying about he since then - and then we saw her and she was totally fine, having a great time, etc etc. Now she’s making plans for her spring semester, and is happy as can be (literally … still looking for close friends but happy with where she’s at regardless…). Those in person check ins help take the temp, I think!

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When my kids were going thru the college application process and it felt like life’s biggest decision, I would get advice from co-workers with much older kids and parents with older kids that I knew from our kids carpooling. The advice that sticks out the most

  • What to expect the first year of college - that it won’t be perfect. It’s a big transition. Don’t put pressure that it’s “the best time of your life” from day 1. Acknowledge it takes time and there will be up’s and down and growth.
  • Encourage them to go to office hours and not wait until in a hole to ask for help. According to my younger kid they covered this a lot in the online required orientation insert teen :roll_eyes:
  • The college decision is made with the best information you have in the moment, things change, and sometimes you find out more of what you want by finding out what you don’t want. A few co-workers had kids that transferred and they reminded me that you shouldn’t feel afraid to change a situation that isn’t working.
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My heart goes out to all of you whose kids are having a rough time. D24 seems quite happy, and I think that being a part of a program with 120 kids who live together and have the best community spaces of any dorm, and then doing a one week honors class before the semester started really helped her find friends. She’s started playing D&D, busy with choir, and seems to be doing well academically and socially.

It’s a relief because the transition to high school was so, so hard for her: starting during Covid at a new private school where she only knew two people who were both in the other half of the alphabet so they never saw each other because they were designated to be in person on opposite days, so she ate lunch by herself separated by a plexiglass partition for almost a whole year. It’s so hard to see your child struggling and to be able to help them. One thing that came out of that experience was that she really learned empathy and has mentioned now that the makes a concerted effort to reach out and include those she thinks may be struggling or lonely.

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D24 sent signs of life again today. To request $$. :slightly_smiling_face: She’s joined an off campus gym.

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We sent a Halloween care package to D24 today. Contents: Halloween card, little orange plush bear with image of bones, ghost earrings, light up pumpkin necklace, Night before Christmas pezhead, gel stickers for windows—all cheap from WalMart. Also, her favorite upscale chocolate bar from local farmer’s market, sugar drop sours, and dried mango pieces. It’s our first attempt at one of these—I think she’ll like it!

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I feel we have a NYT Bestseller on our hands. :wink:

Further updates have included a few scant details about adorable first dates (!!!) and while I would like a whole ream of additional information, I’ll have to make do with the scraps and be grateful for them! :rofl:

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This would be a fascinating sociological study to do. Mine have a tight-knit, long-term group of amazing friends BUT strongly disliked some pretty key aspects of their actual high school and they were counting the days til they could leave. The college transition so far has been ok (taking it day by day, one huge assignment at a time), but I wondered for that exact reason (the friends) if it wouldn’t be. Especially since the group is now quite far flung. No visits without $$$.

I totally agree October is when moods can dip that first semester. I’m kind of still half expecting it! It’s not easy parenting from far away!

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It has been a while since we got a detailed update from S24, but apparently he is at a weekend tournament for one of his club sports and having a great time. Again club sports seem to have really fast-tracked him to a better place socially and emotionally. We’ll have to see about grades . . . .

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C24 is home for fall break, and I’m soaking in every minute with them. They’re loving school so far, and I’m so glad – HS was a little difficult for my offbeat, nonbinary kid but at school they fit in perfectly. The only thing they don’t like is the food. And surprise of all surprises, my theater/sociology major loves their stats class so much that they’re considering trying to fit in a third major in data science (I don’t know what that is).

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That is likely a better career outcome :slight_smile:

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that’s awesome!

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Data Science is all the rage right now…similar to/same as Data Analytics majors. I work in healthcare IT and my employer has at least a couple of departments full of data science/data analytics people.

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D24 called this morning, reported that she’s brought her Biology grade up a lot, so that’s great news. We’re all looking forward to spending a week with her in a month when she’s back for Thanksgiving! Fall semester is going by quickly.

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Can’t believe that S24 has preregistration for the spring next week! Crazy how fast it goes

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