D24 feels the same as she “thinks” she has the toughest course load that everyone else in her college leaving her no time for non-academic stuff and that she is “missing” out on the typical campus living experiences 
I think it is more on the lines of “this girl is not easy to please” as she is more of an anxious introvert especially in social situations and doesn’t take the initiative to get involved in fun things without being forced to.
So sorry to hear that!
Tough conversation with S24 tonight - he is really unhappy at his school. Other than the typical parental cheerleading, I’m at a loss about what to say. So tough.
Obviously that must be very tough to hear.
You are going to be the best judge of when to have what conversations. But I personally think sometimes a transfer ends up the right call, and there is nothing wrong with that if so.
What does your gut tell you?
What are the issues?
Yea but many kids are struggling two months in. I had to fly mine home. Yet she’d never go anywhere else.
Each situation is different but likely way too early to pull the plug.
Kids are in a new situation - academically, socially - now responsible for selves.
If everyone who felt like this went to transfer, probably 25-50% of kids wouldn’t go back second semester.
I think listen. Understand. Hug. Make light suggestions are in order.
I spoke with a dear friend who just hosted a bunch of kids home for break from different schools all over, none are very happy and definitely still adjusting. I seem to recall the charting of the first year calling this the lowest time, rush of start over, midterms, homesickness, etc.
S24 is doing well, his initial friend group has disbanded as he suspected it would, knew it was more temporary. He’s really been putting himself out there networking which has been amazing, been invited to a few events that are rare for undergrads. Math midterm was a bit of a shock to the system.
Hearing about everyone’s kids has been a bit helpful for D25’s plans. She’s a lot more competitive at her new school, but faves are still likelies. Occasionally I get a pang of should she apply to some reaches, but seeing how difficult the transition can be, I should just be thankful she’s found a fit that’s great for her interests. She is not at all prestige driven and is better to be a big fish versus feeling inadequate like she did at her last school. This thread is helpful for keeping me focused on what really matters.
Feel so guilty we will not be there for parents weekend. He doesn’t mind, but miss him terribly. Roommate’s parents texted and insisted he join them for dinner which was so kind. Reminded me of funny roommate story I was told yesterday. They’ve become accountability partners, mine wants to ensure up by 6am every day and he wants to limit screen time to under 7 hours a week (impressive!). They have a little bet for week and make new goals.
I’m sorry to hear this. As someone who decided by October of my first year at school that I was transferring, I wish someone had told me that I wasn’t the only one who felt the way that I did, and that if I kept putting one foot in front of the other, things would get better, and not to consider any other options except staying, at least until sometime in the spring semester.
FWIW, I transferred and was very happy where I landed, but truthfully, by the end of that first year, I had adjusted and was finding my place there, although knowing I was transferring also kept me from getting too invested in finding my home at that school. I’m not sure I would have been happy at any school the first semester, as I think it was really the adjustment to college (any college) that was the issue.
Today we signed a lease for an apartment for next fall. October timing is what’s required if you want a decent one bedroom near campus, especially if you want a local apartment management company with good service and not some cheap apartments thrown up across the country in college towns by private equity that really only has a leasing office and very little management on site.
D24 doesn’t want to have to have a car, so we got her a bougie apartment an 8 minute walk from her current dorm and less than a block from the grocery store. Not the cheapest, but honestly not much more than it would have been if she lived further away and had a car. Tuscaloosa can be rough when you get away from campus and the FB group has had a rash of cars broken into or catalytic converters stolen while parked at their apartments. And let’s just say there’s a complex called RedPoint that is colloquially called ‘GunPoint’.
She’s planning on applying to be an RA, but it’s incredibly competitive. In any case, one bedrooms near campus fill up first, and I am confident we could sublease it.
So my two cents is every kid is different, and every situation is different, and I would not presume to be able to handicap the odds in this case without actually knowing this kid and knowing the situation.
But Thorsmon66 is in a position to make informed judgments about what her child actually needs to hear at this point. So, for example, whether it would be productive to at least start discussing options like transferring, the pros and cons, and so on, is I think very much up to her.
Agreed and noted above:
Each situation is different but likely way too early to pull the plug.
But the reality is - a “transfer” decision this early may result in a transfer decision next year too - no way to know.
Yes, each is different - but kids put a lot of time in getting to this place - and mid October - which for some is 4-6 weeks in, is likely too early to pull the plug but I did note each situation is different.
The situation in which talk of transfer at this stage is necessary is if the student’s values and interests are a big mismatch for a specific type of college. Over 30 years ago, this experience rendered me dangerously depressed. I’m so grateful my daughter’s college is a better match. But mental health issues are always hard for us parents. 
Thanks for all the kind remarks. I am doing my best to support my son. It has been frustrating because he has made great efforts to be involved - is on a club sports team, a member of the poker club and has gone on a couple of trips through the outing club. He just isn’t feeling part of things - part of it is likely unrealistic expectations about what college life will be (and not accepting the fact that it takes time to make real friends) but he has also reported a kind of cliquey-ness that reminds him too much of the negative aspects of high school. I am encouraging him to hang in there and also to speak with a mental health professional to share some of his feelings. We’ll be seeing him next week and I’ll be better able to gauge how he is doing. Transfer is not off the table, but it isn’t a panacea and comes with its own set of issues - primarily starting from square one socially.
I fed harlan cohen videos enough to my kid that she started following him on her own - he talks a LOT about this. And I had shared a while back the W curve model for adjusting to college, which has helped my own remember it’s Not Just Her.
Here’s Harlan on transferring: Harlan Cohen on Instagram: "College Tip 1260: If you are thinking of transferring, here are 3 questions to ask #college #transfer"
And the W Curve: https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/the-w-curve-theory
I would tend to agree.
Not to oversimplify, but when I went to college, and then over the years hearing various stories, it is clear there are many of us who experience some sort of rough aspects during our transition to college. But for many of us, that isn’t so much about the specific college, it is about that being such a big transition, and one which is really hard to completely and accurately envision in advance.
So, we may like some things that are happening, but we are disappointed that other things are not going as we hoped, and so on. This of course is extremely normal and with good support we get through it, and find a way to make our college experience a good one, possibly in ways that are quite different from what we originally imagined.
However, I did not experience but have witnessed other cases which were much more serious, much more specific to that college versus other viable alternatives, and where at least discussing a transfer might make sense early on. There were lots of variations. Like, I knew a student from Europe who was absolutely miserable being in the US, the culture shock and distance from home was just too much, and she was quite right to transfer back to her home country ASAP. Kids sometimes pick a college for a specific program, or maybe a specialist college, then realize it is not for them, and the alternatives at that college are not appealing. So they want a restart at a college more suited for those alternatives. As you said, while I think it can be harder to define, institutions and communities can have values that just don’t match your own in a way that is not going to be resolved with time. And so on.
So I just think everyone has to evaluate carefully what is the source of discontent, and whether it is something that is more just a common transitional issue, or if it is a more fundamental mismatch that could be best resolved with a transfer. And there is no rush at this stage, but nor do I think it is too early to be thinking about these issues.
You are, as usual, very insightful. I haven’t been able to suss out whether there is some kind of fundamental mismatch here or if it is something more transitory - the move to college is unsettling on a lot of fronts and a certain amount of discontent is to be expected. But is it more than that? I think I’m going to have to wait and see.
Which I gather is so often the right answer with adult children, even if it is not the easiest one for us parents.
Something I’ve been pondering since I spoke with my friend that hosted the group that reported they weren’t very “happy”. They are a very tight crew, big shoes to fill on the social front, and I wonder how that impacts? Conversely, my kid went to a different high school from the K-8 crew and was all business so didn’t have the same social ties. Made me sad at times, but also has possibly made his transition easier? I don’t know, just some thoughts.
It is beyond difficult. I just feel so heartbroken for him - at the same time, I do realize that in the scheme of things this is just a blip on the radar so it is important for me (and him) to keep it in perspective.