Parents of the HS Class of 2024 (Part 2)

[sbinaz]

So I’ve been dealing with something…different…interesting…I don’t know what to call it.

Reader’s Digest summary question:
How do you deal with well-intended but pushy relatives who want you to bug your college student about stuff that isn’t any of your business?

Over the past,like, year and a half, my sister has been asking me more and more often about D24’s dating life. Today it was pretty intense. My kids are close with my sister and she’s a really good aunt to them.

However, for some reason, she really really wants me to urge D24 to have a bunch of one-night stands. She thinks that this is how one should ensure a solid marriage later on.

Keep in mind that this is advice from a person who’s never been married and has never had a serious long term relationship. We love my sister very much. But on this particular topic, I’m staying far away from it with D24.

During senior year, D24 asked DH and I to not ask about her dating life and once somebody reaches SO status, she will let us know. I myself had all kinds of issues with my own mom in this dept and do not want to repeat all of that nonsense with my own kids. So DH and I respect our kid’s boundaries on this 100%.

Meanwhile, every couple of months, my sister brings this up with me and grills me about it and urges me to advise D24 to hook up a lot with people. Since I have refused to do that AND because D24 hasn’t told us anything about her dating life, my sister assumes this means that D24 will be 30 before she has any “extracurricular adult activities” (my term for it, not hers. lol).

To which I am .

Today, she was pretty intense about it. It’s D24’s life. It’s her choice. What she does or doesn’t do in the dating dept is none of my business. I’ve done my part and educated my kid about making safe choices and all of that related stuff (purposely am not going into detail here on that but you all get what I mean).

Besides, if D24 wants dating advice, I’m pretty sure the last people she’d ask would be her mom and her aunt.

So I told my sister again today that I absolutely will not discuss it with my daughter because I’m respecting the boundary, but if she (sister) wants to talk to D24 about it, go ahead.

…and if she does that, D24 will be polite about it and then roll her eyes with her friends afterwards when she tells them about it.

I mean, good grief. The kid is only 18. Why is everybody suddenly worried that she’s going to end up an old maid? Give her some time to figure herself out first, for Pete’s sake!

If you all have any suggestions on how to handle people like this, I’m all ears. I ended up cutting the phone call a little short because I got frustrated with being pushed so much on this.

[tsbna44]

Yeah please don’t encourage my child to have casual sex. Their romantic life will be as they want it but I certainly don’t want anyone encouraging that kind of behavior.

Please stop. Don’t discuss with me. Don’t discuss with her.

It’s all you can really do.

After that cut her off but she is your sister so that’s not good.

[DeeCee36]

D24’s spring break was wonderful. We all (big sis joined us from Boston) went to Puerto Rico for six days of desperately-needed SUN and relaxation. It was a great trip, really enjoyed being together and everything that beautiful island had to offer. We returned late Thursday night, and then D24 and a group of her HS friends all home for spring break took a road trip to visit another friend at UDel for St. Patty’s day weekend festivities. She arrived home yesterday afternoon, napped, showered, packed and we headed off the airport for her late night (10pm) flight back to Rochester. . She boarded the plane at 9:20, and then they sat on the tarmac until 11:30 due to terrible weather. I was really a wreck until her plane landed (thankfully, once in the air it is just a quick 1 hour flight). Needless to say, I’m tired this morning!

She was much more enthusiastic about going back than she was in January. The sorority activities have been great and keeping her very busy and social. The boy she was “dating” is now officially her boyfriend, and she’s looking forward to attending her first fraternity formal in a few weeks. Classes continue to be a ton of work (she did have to spend a few hours on our vacation writing up a lab report), but she’s still managing them.

We’re going to go visit her over Easter weekend, in part to take a car load of her stuff home before we have to move her out a couple of weeks later. Seven weeks and she’s home for summer. Hard to believe!

[Thorsmom66]

Spent a nice (but quiet) Spring Break week with S22 & S24 (their breaks overlapped). S24 took the first few days to go skiing with a friend from HS while S22 hung out with us and played a lot of guitar. Neither has secured a summer job yet and will most likely need to settle for something customer service/retail/food service. S24 did apply to several finance internships that didn’t specifically state that you need to be a junior+ but nothing so far. Unfortunately, the employment landscape looks pretty bad. Glad neither is graduating this year - several friends have kids that are graduating this May that have found nothing (and these are CS/Engineering kids with good grades from good schools).

[NiceUnparticularMan]

I mean, obviously your sister is being super weird about all this.

How to deal with family being weirdly pushy about something is a common problem without (to my knowledge) a common guaranteed solution.

But hopefully you have the kind of relationship where you can at least express yourself bluntly, like, “Sis, you are being super weird about this, you are entitled to your opinion but having expressed it you now need to let it go.”

If that doesn’t work I think often the best you can do is let them say their piece (again), not engage, and try to move on yourself. Like, “I hear you, now let’s talk about . . . .”

If that doesn’t work, I think you can in fact say something like, “Look, I told you that you need to let this go, you are refusing to do it, so I am going to hang up now and hopefully next time we talk you can move on.”

Again, all this is predicated on the assumption you have the sort of relationship where an episode like that is not an existential threat.

[Momof242729]

TBH, I’d go aggressive with your sister: “You do know your obsession with D24’s sex life is weird and inappropriate, right? Kindly get out of her pants.” Her behavior is beyond creepy and pushy, and she doesn’t seem to be taking your subtler hints to back off.

[Luanne]

So odd! I don’t know what I’d do/say. I can’t imagine someone telling me to encourage my kids to hook up with others. Others had advice that seems totally reasonable. I hope something works.

[shawk]

“Hmm, you’ve mentioned this topic before and I need you to know something. My kid’s sex life is really none of my business, and certainly not yours either. She’s 18 and will make her own decisions. I’m here to support her make healthy decisions; we get to live our lives and she gets to live hers. Having random hook-ups, especially a lot of them as you’re advocating, isn’t something I’m going to encourage. I find this whole topic super uncomfortable and I need you to know you’re crossing a line by repeatedly bringing it up. Her body, her choice, her life.”

If she continues to bring it up in subsequent calls, I’d cut the conversation short. I’d shorten my response every time it happens with “hey, crossing the line!” Or “boundaries!!” And then not engage, change the subject. If it continued, I wouldn’t take phone calls with her until she agreed to stop.

[helpingthekid73]

Yeah. This is really gross. Sorry that you have to deal with it. Hopefully she isn’t talking to your D about it.

[sbinaz]

In yesterday’s phone call w/my sister, I ended up going with replies to her like:

• I hear what you’re saying. (Long pause) But I am NOT going to bring that up with D24. I am NOT going to push her one way or another on this topic.
• I am going to respect my daughter’s boundary. That means I’m not discussing this with her.
• That’s one point of view. There are other points of view also. I know people on all ends of this spectrum and different people have had both success and not with the different paths they chose.
• It would be really inappropriate for me to advise D24 like that. I am just NOT going to do that. If you feel strongly about it, you’re welcome to bring it up directly with her and see how it goes.
• (after she kept harping on it) Ok, well, I’ve got to go. I’m at the grocery store now (I was!), so I’ll talk to you later. Bye! (and then I hung up)

I’m going to give myself a time out from talking to her for a couple of days so I can get some emotional distance from the topic with her. Because even the morning after, I’m still pretty frustrated about it.

However, after thinking about it more, I’m pretty sure that my sister will end up not saying a word to D24 about any of this…which I guess kind of explains why she keeps trying to go the flying monkey route (eg, bugging me about it) instead.

I really appreciate everybody’s suggestions. Those are all great and I’m going to use them the next time she brings it up!

[sarahbrown24]

Another perspective is to be curious about it – “it’s interesting that you care so much about my daughter sex life. Why is that?”

In my experience, when someone has such an unusual take on something, it’s usually a projection of their own issues - Has nothing to do with a person they are targeting.

Very, very challenging to handle, but your daughter is lucky to have you have her back!

[NiceUnparticularMan]

So S24 reached out set up a regular day and time he could call us each week.

I am not sure what inspired that, and we did not want to impose such a thing on him, but we could not be more thrilled.

[sbinaz]

Next week, D24’s college is hosting a business etiquette dinner. Free to any student who wants to sign up. You have to come dressed in business casual. I texted her to suggest that she & Roommate sign up. Here’s how the rest of that exchange went:

D24: A dinner where I’m being lectured about manners?
D24: I’ve had enough of that from Gram
me: Hey, it’s free food. Might be better than the dining hall.
D24: not worth the lecture

me in my head:

[sbinaz]

D24 earned a new badge in the Land of Adulting. Her login password to All Things College IT Related apparently expired. She didn’t know this until she tried to print an English paper late last night to a networked printer in her dorm. Tried this morning to print it in the library and had same problem. Then had to walk across campus to the IT office and got their help to have her password reset/changed. She’s super frustrated that there were no “Hey your password is expiring in X days” alerts or anything like that.

Welcome to Adulting, kiddo! These things always happen at the most inconvenient times.

[sbinaz]

D24’s 4-day choir trip is this weekend. A couple of days ago, she called and read us the list of rules/instructions from the choir director/professor. The choir director definitely has a sense of humor. It was hilarious.

[coastal2024]

That’s fun- are they going anywhere exciting?

[sbinaz]

No. Just to places around TX.

[NiceUnparticularMan]

Off to St Louis for a tournament. S24 asked if we could host some friends for dinner. Sure! And then getting details in terms of number, time, transportation, and so on has been like pulling teeth . . . .

[Vin76]

So good to come back after a few months away and see all these wonderful updates about your kids. Can’t believe our kids are almost done with their first year! S24 was here for a short visit for Spring break. It was so good to hug him after 2 months. He chilled at home for a few days and then volunteered with a local organization from 7-7 helping them run a HS event that he is/was very dedicated to. When they find something they love, it is all in all the time! He is very happy at college, working hard and doing a couple of club activities. Infact, he is going to FL with his club for their end of season competition for 10 days right after the spring semester ends. I am happy that he seems to have found his people.
He did land an internship all the way in CA (we are on the east coast) for 10 weeks. I am happy for him as first year internships are hard to land but sad that he won’t be home for the summer. I guess this is our new reality.

[sbinaz]

D24 called briefly last night. The choir was doing “home stays” last night. She and 5 other choir members stayed last night “in this huge house.”

…”like, there’s something like 5 guest bedrooms. And a whole fridge just with waters. And then another fridge downstairs in the ‘movie theater room’ full of other drinks,you know, flavored ones not water. Like, I’ve never seen a house this huge before. They’re super nice and yes I’m using my please and thank yous.”